once upon a time, a kindly woodsman was searching the forest
for the perfect Christmas tree for his family when he found one
it was tall and strong, a handsome tree you might say
Oh how wonderful said the woodsman
You'll be perfect this year at my house this Christmas
of course i will have to garland you
with all sorts of bows and ribbons and frilly things
Suddenly and to the woodsman's complete surprise the tree spoke
What the f** are you talking about?
No-one's gonna f**ing dress me up this year
No-one's gonna f**ing get me up in that gear
thats for fairies and for f**ing little Christmas poofs
There's not gonna be any h*mo stuff around here
Yes the Christmas tree was h*mophobic it had a problem with gays
Oh Christmas tree pleaded the woodsman
think of the wonderful times you'll have at my house this Christmas
think of the merriment think of the gaiety
BANG!
No-ones gonna put a star upon this head (bub-bub-i-dub, bub-bub-i-dub)
all that f*ggotty gold and silver and red (aah-aah-ahh-aah)
if you don't stop singing like h*mo's
I'm going to go down on you so hard
That cotton wool snow sh**
and tinselly f**ing stuff
you can keep your balls away from me (he said)
and one more thing
you're not going to up-root me (no-no)
you're not going to up-root me(no-no)
as much as you might enjoy
using me as some perverted Christmas toy
I'm not gonna be your little bummer boy
Now Scram
...and so the woodsman moved onto a more open-minded
part of the forest and what of the h*mophobic Christmas tree
well he was earmarked for wood chipping turned into paper pulp and
used to make flyer's for gay Mardi Gras, papier mache bu*t plugs
and cigarette papers some of which were smoked by gays. He basically
supported the gay cause in every way possible, Merry Christmas