Tripod - The Homophobic Christmas Tree lyrics

once upon a time, a kindly woodsman was searching the forest for the perfect Christmas tree for his family when he found one it was tall and strong, a handsome tree you might say Oh how wonderful said the woodsman You'll be perfect this year at my house this Christmas of course i will have to garland you with all sorts of bows and ribbons and frilly things Suddenly and to the woodsman's complete surprise the tree spoke What the f** are you talking about? No-one's gonna f**ing dress me up this year No-one's gonna f**ing get me up in that gear thats for fairies and for f**ing little Christmas poofs There's not gonna be any h*mo stuff around here Yes the Christmas tree was h*mophobic it had a problem with gays Oh Christmas tree pleaded the woodsman think of the wonderful times you'll have at my house this Christmas think of the merriment think of the gaiety BANG! No-ones gonna put a star upon this head (bub-bub-i-dub, bub-bub-i-dub) all that f*ggotty gold and silver and red (aah-aah-ahh-aah) if you don't stop singing like h*mo's I'm going to go down on you so hard That cotton wool snow sh** and tinselly f**ing stuff you can keep your balls away from me (he said) and one more thing you're not going to up-root me (no-no) you're not going to up-root me(no-no) as much as you might enjoy using me as some perverted Christmas toy I'm not gonna be your little bummer boy Now Scram ...and so the woodsman moved onto a more open-minded part of the forest and what of the h*mophobic Christmas tree well he was earmarked for wood chipping turned into paper pulp and used to make flyer's for gay Mardi Gras, papier mache bu*t plugs and cigarette papers some of which were smoked by gays. He basically supported the gay cause in every way possible, Merry Christmas