Albert's got a crazy eye
That strays to the right
He's got thin crooked lips
That he constantly licks
He lives in a house
That looks like a wound
To a good neighborhood
Albert stuck his hand
Down the blouse
Of Sammy's gal's shirt
She slapped his face
She said do it again
I won't tell Sam
Your best friend
Ease on up
Ease on up
Albert changes his plans
Ease on up
Ease on up
Albert's the perfect friend
Albert's got your wallet
In his back pocket
Albert's got a cheesy smile
On his face
It's the s**ers who lose
And the losers
They win
Like Albert
The perfect friend