Albert's got a crazy eye That strays to the right He's got thin crooked lips That he constantly licks He lives in a house That looks like a wound To a good neighborhood Albert stuck his hand Down the blouse Of Sammy's gal's shirt She slapped his face She said do it again I won't tell Sam Your best friend Ease on up Ease on up Albert changes his plans Ease on up Ease on up Albert's the perfect friend Albert's got your wallet In his back pocket Albert's got a cheesy smile On his face It's the s**ers who lose And the losers They win Like Albert The perfect friend