(spoken)
September 15th, 1955, for Julian Batey Jr., on his 39th birthday
(sung)
You look flashy, you look sporty
You look almost as dashing as Morty
Well, you're only as old as you look
And you look forty
You look blasé, you look nifty
But when they ask you your age, you look shifty
Well, you're only as old as you look
Let me look again: fifty
On your ravaged face
Are more lines than they say on the stage
It's not a sign of sorrow or disgrace
It's age!
Happy birthday, Jerry Batey!
May your problems be less and less weighty
Well, you're only as old as you look
And you look eighty... five!
You're practically alive!
Of your in-laws you've a crawful
The demands that they make are unlawful
Well, you're only as old as you look
And you look awful
You should feel just like a baby
You've decades ahead of you, maybe
Well, you're only as old as you feel
What's your ulcer like, J.B.?
You've a rich, full store
Of memories in that brain
Won't you tell us your adventures in the war
With Spain?
You look punchy, you look drowsy
The Greeks had a word for it: lousy
Well, you're only as old as you look
But you can't be as old as all that!
Happy birthday! Don't regret it!
'Cause we'll all go right home and forget it
Old friend, old pal, Old Faithful, old paint, Old Greenwich
Old crow, old shoe, old hat!