Do not drink before work
It is too fun
You will enjoy everything
And everyone will like you more
Which means they will want you to work more
And no one likes more work
Except people who drink before work
You can see how this could be problematic
Do not drive a car
It's dangerous
And much slower than biking
Which becomes a form of teleportation after your eleventh drink
The only side effect of which
Is occasionally waking up in the hospital
With hazy memories of flying
Do not drink around children
It puts your right at their sticky little level
Which will result in meandering conversations about
Blocks or dinosaurs or potties or whatever-the-f**-it-is kids talk about
Everyone will think you're great with kids
And BAM!
That's how it happens
You sober up one afternoon and realize
You're a child psychologist
…Or dating a single mom
Do not keep hot pockets or pizza rolls in your freezer
This only ends in one of two ways
Waking up with 3rd degree burns on every part of your face
Or perishing in a house fire
Also, you're a functioning alcoholic, learn to cook drunk!
Do not cook drunk
Everything will taste wonderful
You will wake up in the morning
With amazing new recipes
That you will make in the future for the single mom you are dating
Like pickles and cheddar cheese wrapped in croissant rolls and pan-fried in bacon grease
Or steaks seasoned with coriander and d**
These recipes taste terrible to sober people
And she will tell you that
And you are too delicate to take criticism from someone who had kids on purpose
Do not order delivery
It seems like a good idea
But let's think about how this plays out
Scenario one, you pa** out before it arrives
And are not roused by the delivery person's throttling of your front door
This strikes you permanently from the list of favorite pizzerias and sandwich shops
Which you will have to explain to the single mom you are dating
The next time she wants to stay in and watch a movie
Scenario two, you remain semi-conscious and tip the delivery driver a solid six-hundred percent
Which you will have to explain to the single mom you are dating
When you can't longer afford the pizzas and sandwiches that arrive at your apartment in record time
Do not freestyle
You're not better at it when you're drink
And no matter what you may think
It does not turn anyone on
Not even single moms
Do not tell anyone you love them
You most likely do not
And if you do, that's none of their business
Keep it to yourself in that place where you keep your feelings
Locked up tightly deep inside of you in your shame cage
It's hard enough being a single mom
Without some drunk dumping all sorts of romantic vows all over you
Like a college kid might puke tequila all over the sidewalk
Amateur move dude
Do not fall in love
It will make you begin to question your commitment to slowly k**ing yourself
It will motivate you to emerge from your booze-soaked haze
For just long enough to stare into the eyes of another person and admit
In moments, they are more important to you than all the laughter
And attention
And teleportation
And hot pockets that this life choice has afforded you
It will be a concession that there are maybe some memories you want to hang onto
For longer than an evening
It will force you to make decisions
That you might not regret