Shane Hawley - Rules For The Functioning Alcoholic lyrics

Do not drink before work It is too fun You will enjoy everything And everyone will like you more Which means they will want you to work more And no one likes more work Except people who drink before work You can see how this could be problematic Do not drive a car It's dangerous And much slower than biking Which becomes a form of teleportation after your eleventh drink The only side effect of which Is occasionally waking up in the hospital With hazy memories of flying Do not drink around children It puts your right at their sticky little level Which will result in meandering conversations about Blocks or dinosaurs or potties or whatever-the-f**-it-is kids talk about Everyone will think you're great with kids And BAM! That's how it happens You sober up one afternoon and realize You're a child psychologist …Or dating a single mom Do not keep hot pockets or pizza rolls in your freezer This only ends in one of two ways Waking up with 3rd degree burns on every part of your face Or perishing in a house fire Also, you're a functioning alcoholic, learn to cook drunk! Do not cook drunk Everything will taste wonderful You will wake up in the morning With amazing new recipes That you will make in the future for the single mom you are dating Like pickles and cheddar cheese wrapped in croissant rolls and pan-fried in bacon grease Or steaks seasoned with coriander and d** These recipes taste terrible to sober people And she will tell you that And you are too delicate to take criticism from someone who had kids on purpose Do not order delivery It seems like a good idea But let's think about how this plays out Scenario one, you pa** out before it arrives And are not roused by the delivery person's throttling of your front door This strikes you permanently from the list of favorite pizzerias and sandwich shops Which you will have to explain to the single mom you are dating The next time she wants to stay in and watch a movie Scenario two, you remain semi-conscious and tip the delivery driver a solid six-hundred percent Which you will have to explain to the single mom you are dating When you can't longer afford the pizzas and sandwiches that arrive at your apartment in record time Do not freestyle You're not better at it when you're drink And no matter what you may think It does not turn anyone on Not even single moms Do not tell anyone you love them You most likely do not And if you do, that's none of their business Keep it to yourself in that place where you keep your feelings Locked up tightly deep inside of you in your shame cage It's hard enough being a single mom Without some drunk dumping all sorts of romantic vows all over you Like a college kid might puke tequila all over the sidewalk Amateur move dude Do not fall in love It will make you begin to question your commitment to slowly k**ing yourself It will motivate you to emerge from your booze-soaked haze For just long enough to stare into the eyes of another person and admit In moments, they are more important to you than all the laughter And attention And teleportation And hot pockets that this life choice has afforded you It will be a concession that there are maybe some memories you want to hang onto For longer than an evening It will force you to make decisions That you might not regret