[WEBBY'S AGENT:] Web you got the CD?
[WEBBY:] Course I got the f**in' CD man, f**in' big meeting and sh**... we're pretty late though, you think we're gonna be good?
[WEBBY'S AGENT:] I think we're gonna be all set man, just pick up your pants a little bit. No talking about Adderal, no talking about banging this guy's wife like keep it real good
[WEBBY:] Of course, of course... Oh sh**, is that that f**ing BarsTaLoan dude again?
[WEBBY'S AGENT:] Man that guy e-mails me every day...
[BarsTaLoan (to bodyguard):] Yo get your hands off me man, stop I got rights! Stop get, off me!
[BODYGUARD:] f** your rights, you need to evacuate right now
[BarsTaLoan:] I know I scared this bodyguard, man... Oh, oh, you got Chris Webby up in this motherf**in' office? That's who your next appointment is, Chris Webby?! Y'all don't want BarsTaLoan but you're gonna f** with Chris Webby up in this b**h?!
[BODYGUARD:] Will you get out of here?
[BarsTaLoan:] Get the f** off me man!
[BODYGUARD:] What?
[BarsTaLoan:] Chris Webby f** you, f** Homegrown, f** all that other bullsh**! Get the f** off me man! f** you Chris Webby
[WEBBY:] f** me? f** you! f** you buddy!
[BarsTaLoan:] What old a** copy machine is that? BarsTaLoan I got ink jets boy! Like a motherf**in' sauna up in here man, that's what b**hes say when they get in my car n***a. "It's like a motherf**in' sauna up in here damn BarsTaLoan" yeah b**h cause I'm f**in' hot!
[BODYGUARD:] C'mon let's go...
[BarsTaLoan:] Nah get your f**in' hands off me, yo. It's all conspiracy my n***a, I'm telling you. It's trilluminati or illuminati, something like that, my boy told me look at the You page, no I mean the YouTube page, it was something but... f** you, I know y'all n***as is part of that sh**, I see all these piramids when I'm walkin' in, yo
[KENNY:] Get the f** out of here!
[BODYGUARD:] Let's go... And don't come f**in' back here!
[WEBBY (to secretary):] Hey, how you doin'
[SECRETARY:] I'm really sorry about that
[WEBBY:] Nah, it's cool... I keep seeing that f**in' guy everywhere
[SECRETARY]: He's been in here about four times this week
[WEBBY:] Really? Interesting... Anyways, I have a meeting today, with Marty?
[SECRETARY:] Chris Webby?
[WEBBY:] Yeah, yeah, uh, that would be me
[SECRETARY:] He's down the hall, first door on the left
[WEBBY:] Oh I see it, uh thank you, thank you, appreciate that
[MARTY:] Lisa, where are my fax messages? I asked for those ten minutes ago, let's get it together. That' not what the f** I asked for, I asked you to do something, you do it right, otherwise you're fired
[WEBBY:] Hey, Marty, Marty?
[MARTY:] Oh mister "thirty-minutes-I'm-late" guy, how you doin'?
[WEBBY:] Uh I'm, uh... good
[MARTY:] Well, know you've got five minutes to impress me, so sell me yourself, you got videos? Can you rap?
[WEBBY:] Yeah, I mean, did you like... research?
[MARTY:] I don't have time for the internet
[WEBBY:] Alright, uh, yo, f**. Kenny, you wanna just beatbox real quick?
[KENNY (in robot voice):] Beatbox activating
[WEBBY coughs]
[MARTY (referring to Kenny):] Is that coming out of his mouth?
[Freestyle: Chris Webby]
I'm an untrained dog, no collar
Had loose screws since I was a toddler
Yo don't bother
Up in this b**h drinking vodka like water
Do you read me? Roger, I am a monster
All you young buck white kids put the mic down, I am your father
Still be drinking like I did when I was up at Hofstra
Taking more shots than I did playing Contra
Hold up, hold up, hold up, wait
Let me take a sip of water, I don't know if I'm straight
Lost track of all the LIT's that I drank
And I'm feeling like I just might faint
But I lace my sneakers, eat a piece of pizza
And throw another bottle right up on the Visa
Bangin' out those speakers
Going hard in the paint like I f**ed Mona Lisa
Where the chronic B?
My short term memory is chronically
f**ed up, cause I burn down constantly
How could I shape up? I forgot geometry
But they gon' learn CT in geography
Cause I got the whole damn world watching me
It's hard to even keep up with it honestly
Let's gettin' it muthaf**in' poppin' B
We're losing brain cells
I don't think I'm leaving this
Motherf**er, 'til somebody takes away my keys and sh**
I haven't been trained well, I'm so disobedient
Got that verbal dope, so just holla if you need a fix
Drop a freestyle, daily fire
Lighting up a bong up that'll take me higher
Crazy rhymer, that's known to cross the line like a stereotypical Asian driver
Web so sick that I make 'em nauseous
Go balls out, never play it cautious
Went from a dorm room to rapping to muthaf**ers wearing suits in a label office
I'm a beast on the mic with a beatbox flow
Anybody steppin' after he rocks, no
He got flow, I'm an animal, follow my name with an e-i, e-i, e-i-o
Seat ride low when I'm cruising in
With a cup full of brown like Julian
With a trailer park boy and some hooligans
Got bars, yeah kid I got a few of them
It's C Web
[MARTY:] Mc Donald's, Coca Cola, Chris Webby, in lights... Billboard, Times Square, you'll be holding babies on ad commercials
[WEBBY:] That's cool. Babies, why babies? I don't understand this
[MARTY:] You know what, you wanna make money?
[WEBBY:] I mean...
[MARTY:] A million dollars
[WEBBY:] That's cool, I... don't know...
[MARTY:] Five albums, eight years
WEBBY, WEBBY'S AGENT, [KENNY:] What? Five albums, damn! Nah nah...
[WEBBY:] I...
[MARTY:] So no deal?
[WEBBY'S AGENT:] Yeah, we're not gonna...
[WEBBY:] I... I mean, I'm just not so sure...
[MARTY:] Get out of my office. Leave the pen here too
[WEBBY:] Damn, alright...
[MARTY (from the distance): ]Lisa, next meeting! And bring me a coffee and my f**ing granola bar!