Zach Sherwin - Duck II (Defended) lyrics

Chapter two I thought, “Sacre bleu!" Unless the duck's adopted soon The webfoot will get his neck put on a block And lopped in two! They'll cleave and hew him Leave him in ruins Like music from Houston He'll be chopped and screwed And since Ben the farm director told me None of the shelters in New Mexico Would give him a rescue home I thought “I'll get my phone and start Tracking down a**istance Acting like a phallic cornea.” (A private eye.) I began in Acton, California “Hi, you've reached the Farm Sanctuary This is Theresa.” “Yeah, hello. My name is Zach It's nice to meetcha. Can I beseech ya On behalf of a creature that I just met? A duck who eluded brutal canine attacks But still will be hacked up and dined on? It's unfair, and unkind, and honestly, an anticlimax!” Somehow He gave the slip to fangs that dripped With drops of dog saliva He's an awesome improviser like MacGyver Made it out the frying pan But still they plan to toss him in the fire Even though he's like a barnyard Holocaust survivor!” Theresa said, “I'm sorry! He really sounds impressive But male ducks a.k.a drakes are too aggressive Yeah They can be very, very aggressive And we have chickens we wouldn't want him to mess with We got peace to keep We don't need your duck and our hens Going beak to beak Yeah I bet that you could find Some other rescue that would help ya But New Mexico isn't known for having too many shelters No So when we hang up the phone I am gonna Send over a list of sanctuaries out in Arizona These, places might be willing to adopt him He's, special. Gotta get the point across to 'em Please, take my suggestion when you talk to 'em: SAY THAT THING ABOUT THE HOLOCAUST TO 'EM! I'm serious. Tell everybody else you talk to he's like a Holocaust survivor, it's gonna seal the deal." "Wait, I can't tell if you're joking right now." "I'm 100% serious." She sent the list I called a likely-seeming candidate A spot close to Flagstaff In the Grand Canyon State “Hello this is Cody." "Hi, I met a duck who's slated to die After evading a violent fate.” Then what the hell, I gave it a try I said “He basically survived the Holocaust?” And crossed my fingers, then Cody said “We'll take him! You can go ahead and bring him in." Theresa KNEW that line would keep these people from declining! I'm no fan of WWII but that's a tiny silver lining Cody went on, “You're lucky to connect with me Lots of places won't take a drake; They can be aggressive s**ually.” Whoa. The plot had just heated up and thickened Was THAT what Ben had meant when he said “Beating up the chickens?” I said, “Full disclosure: I won't bluff or pretend I've been told that this duck tends to be rough with the hens.” I thought Cody's offer might be shredded to confetti But instead he said, “Ha! I like this guy already.” Direct quote from Cody! Animal folks are quirky I didn't question too closely Cause now I had a haven that Brutus would be safe in I could save him If I could just arrange some transportation 'Cause Flagstaff is six and a half hours' drive From the barn where Brutus was stashed at Not close, no sir And I wasn't so sure I could find a chauffeur Of whom I could ask that So although Ben had said that all those local sanctuaries were Wary of the duck like he was hazmat I thought it couldn't hurt to take a second pa** at So I called a place smack dab in Santa Fe to have a chat “Kindred Spirits, this is Ulla.” “I'll get down to bra** tacks I met a duck who's on the execution fast track He's a Holocaust-surviving s** offender Think Schindler's List meets Clockwork Orange meets Aflac.” “HE SOUNDS FANTASTAC! We'll take him!" Of course that's a comedically heightened exaggeration But after all his trials and tribulations Brutus was in the clear! “Except,” Ulla said “We can't pick him up You'll have to bring him here." That was no prob I called Nate You recall Nate I said “Good news! The duck's saved We stopped d**h. We stalled fate I found him a home close by He'll be in good hands like Allstate But he is gonna need a ride there Could you help out? Could you haul freight? It's right outside of Santa Fe.” And Nate went, “Nice. Yeah, okay I could probably drive thataway Maybe like Friday or Saturday?” I won't deny, I felt deflated I hoped he'd understand and say "I'm so inspired, I can't delay! I leavin'! Arriba! Andele!” But he was my only chance to save the day! So I said, “Great! Sure That rocks! What would you plan to transport him in? Pet carrier? Cardboard box?" And you will not believe his reply: "Oh. I don't know... I guess I'd throw him in my trunk and drive slow That's not a lie, though; It's unembellished fact What the hell would have happened if I HADN'T asked? Brutus clings to life like Superglue and then En route to New Jerusalem His pooch is screwed in the boot of this dude's Subaru?! “Ahem,”I said, “Gosh, Nate, that kinda sounds not great Maybe ask around and see if someone has a dog crate? And PLEASE keep me posted.” “For sure,” he a**ured me But I heard nothing Wednesday and not a word Thursday I could feel the momentum melt, slip, and drop Tick tock, close to twelve on the apocalypse clock Gloom bloomed darkly. Doom loomed starkly To be concluded. Stay tuned for Part III