Zach Sherwin - Duck I (Discovered) lyrics

Here's the plan today: I'm going to tell a tale in an Expansive way, three parts, but before we start I'm going to bow my head and fold my hands and pray "Grant I may share my narrative as well as I can relay An anecdote. Help me spread my wings like a manta ray As Superman would say, Up, up and away!" ...Okay, my friend teaches At a boarding school about an hour out of Santa Fe I went to see him there and on the final day of my Campus stay, he suggested visiting the farm to See the animals they had living in the barn This guy, Nate, provided a guided tour He said, "These are our new chickens." I asked about the previous batch of birds. He said "There are these wild dogs living in the hills and they Raided the farm and every last feathered hen was Ma**acred by those blasted curs A bloodbath occured! It was nasty and brutish." We moved on to the next stall Nate pointed and he said "That is Brutus." I looked. There was a duck. He was Sitting on the floor, dirt-packed and dusty Nate said, "He's the only survivor of the Dog attack. Yep, miraculously, not a Single hair on him was harmed." That's not the miracle. Ducks don't have hair But what this duck did have was balls A gigantic ironclad pair Nate said, "He'll be dead soon though." I asked, "Why?" The duck just sat there And Nate goes "Oh, we're gonna cook him and eat him." What? How is that fair?" Fate had spared this lucky duck If he were human instead of a creature He'd become a national hero Or at least a motivational speaker Or a preacher who believed fervently The eternal had called upon him To serve a holy purpose But all the duck was gonna be served was "À l'orange" Brutus: Named for a traitor who heart was Impure and scheming, bruh, but now he was Being betrayed by his human caretakers? That's so ironic it could cure anemia I felt like screaming, UGH But then I had a thought, KERPOW! A lightbulb flash, an idea "Nate," I said, "Could I sponsor this waterfowl? Could I donate some dough in exchange for you Keeping and lodging and feeding the duck?" Nate said he'd check with the farm director, but was Certain that some agreement could be struck Well, yay! So on my way back to L.A., I gave the situation some Consideration and decided to insist on Making a deal with three stipulations One: Brutus could never be slaughtered He'd live in the barn 'til he died of old age Two: Each week they'd have to send me a Photo of somebody holding a page of That day's paper up next to his face so I Know that he hadn't been whacked. Curtains And Three: I can't resist closing on a pun They'd have to change his named to Quack Sherwin So I'm patting myself on the back, smirkin', thinking "How humanitarian of you." I even Regaled the friend that I ran into with all the Details of all that I planned to do But he emailed me the next day and he wrote Quote, "I think that duck having to live until the End of his natural life with no other Ducks around is going to be rough." So I googled it, and sure enough, ducks get Dejected unless there's a friend. Next step was to Send a request to protect and defend him from Harm to the Farm Director, Ben I wrote "I hope I'm not too late, but I want to save that Duck at the farm from becoming a meal Ideally, I'd arrange to take it somewhere where it could Live around water and other duck." He replied "Hi, Zach Thanks for your note. I have called all of The farm sanctuaries in our area None of them will take a male duck, because They are so aggresive. The reason He was confined in the first place was because He was beating up our chickens. You are Welcome to see if you can find someone Willing to come and get him. We have fed Him a long time and he's had a decent life with Us until recently. We plan to Slaughter him soon and eat him unless other Arrangements can be made shortly Thanks, B." I had to move quick, be a swift arranger Brutus was in the grip of danger. And don't be Miffed or angered or flip the 'fanger' but I'm Stopping here on a cliffhanger To be continued....