Will Ferrell - AUSTIN POWERS: INTERNATIONAL MAN OF MYSTERY lyrics

EXT. LAS VEGAS (STOCK FOOTAGE) - NIGHT GRAPHIC: 1967 - SOMEWHERE IN NEVADA It is set against the obvious skyline of Las Vegas INT. DR. EVIL'S PRIVATE QUARTERS - DAY The lair is 1960's high-tech. We see a huge oversized Conference table with six scary-looking EVIL ASSOCIATES Including a Latin American REVOLUTIONARY in a field jacket And turtleneck, TWIN NORDIC DOCTORS, and a METER MAID ANGLE ON: A RING WITH DR. EVIL'S INSIGNIA ON IT. THE RINGED HAND IS STROKING A WHITE FLUFFY CAT DR. EVIL (face always unseen) Gentlemen, are we all here? Good As you know, my plot to high-jack Nuclear weapons and hold the world Hostage has failed. Again. This Organization will not tolerate Failure He presses a bu*ton. The Revolutionary, the twin Nordic Doctors, and the meter maid's chairs tip Back and fall into a pit. Their chairs return empty and Smoking DR. EVIL Mustafa... ANGLE ON: MUSTAFA, an Arab with a red Fez DR. EVIL Frau Farbissina... ANGLE ON FRAU FARBISSINA in a severe Salvation Army uniform DR. EVIL I spared your lives because I need You to help me rid the world of the Only man who can stop me now. We Must go to London. I've set a trap For Austin Powers! EXT. CARNABY STREET - DAY MUSIC: Soul Bossanova by QUINCY JONES We start on a pair of BEATLE BOOTS and peg-top crushed velvet Pants walking down the street in rhythm, à la Saturday Night Fever We pan up to reveal AUSTIN POWERS, International Man of Mystery. He's a swinger, with Medium-length Mod hair and sideburns and he wears National Health Services gla**es Austin walks along Carnaby Street taking photographs. It is That perpetual bright sunny day you see in Sixties movies Austin, bursting with life, gives a two-handed handshake to A MOD FREAK, who's just gotten off a red double-decker bus Austin salutes a strolling BOBBY, then comes across TWO BEAUTIFUL MOD GIRLS who are excited to see him. They all Start to twist to the music, including the Bobby FREEZE FRAME - TECHNICOLOR BLUE TINT - TITLE CARD (PRODUCTION NOTE: ALL TITLE CARDS WILL BE DONE IN TECHNICOLOR FREEZE FRAMES À LA SWEET CHARITY.) In the middle of the street, THREE MODELS wait impatiently To be photographed in a makeshift photo shoot area One wears a short-skirted Stewardess outfit. One wears a Metallic silver pantsuit with matching cowl. The other wears A see-through Mary Quant dress AUSTIN (taking photos) Alright, luv! Love it! Turn...pout For me baby. Smashing! We see that AUSTIN HAS VERY BAD ENGLISH TEETH. The model in The stewardess outfit foes on all fours AUSTIN Crazy baby. Give me some shoulder Yes! Yes! Yes! (beat) No. No Show me love. Yes! And...done. Here you go, luv. I'm Spent Austin throws the camera in the air behind him. An ASSISTANT Scrambles and catches it before it hits the ground AUSTIN Get these off to Fab Magazine right Away SUPERMODEL 1 Austin, you've really outdone yourself This time AUSTIN Thanks, baby SUPERMODEL 2 (suggestively) We could have another photo session Back at my flat AUSTIN (coyly) Oh, behave! SUPERMODEL 3 Austin, I love you! AUSTIN So many women, so little time A gaggle of MOD GIRLS come towards the shoot site. They Recognize Austin and SCREAM hysterically MOD GIRL 1 It's Austin Powers! Austin runs away. The mob chases after him a la Hard Day's Night EXT. CARNABY STREET Two BAD GUYS attack Austin. He JUDO CHOPS them AUSTIN Judo chop! Judo chop! The mob of girls catches up to Austin and he runs away EXT. PHONE BOOTH Austin's in a phone booth with his back turned. The mob Runs by. He steps out, disguised only by a beard EXT. GUARD STATION - LONDON - DAY Austin is jiving down the street and comes across a stoned- Face red-coated BUCKINGHAM PALAM GUARD standing at attention Just outside his guard box Austin mugs for the guard, trying to get him to crack up But to no avail. Finally, he pulls a big sixties FLOWER From behind the guard's head and presents it to him. They Both crack up EXT. PHOTO BOOTH The girls run by a Sixties-era photo booth with somebody Inside. Austin steps out ANGLE ON THE FILM STRIP Panels 1-3 show Austin with various exotic MODELS. The fourth Panel shows Austin with the QUEEN EXT. CARNABY STREET Austin spots a VERY PREGNANT HIPPY GIRL with a placard that Says "PROTEST!" in a funky font AUSTIN You might want to protest a bit louder Next time, luv The both laugh 2L FULL SCREEN INSERT - AUSTIN'S PASSPORT The pa**port opens. We see Austin's dour photo. Then he Gives an insane grin, showing his bad teeth. The page flips And we see visa stamps from all the exotic places he's been EXT. CARNABY STREET - DAY Austin flips a coin into a BLIND MAN's cup. The blind man Obviously sighted, moves the cup to catch the coin. Austin Wags his finger in a "oh, you" fashion, and then proceeds to Knee him the balls EXT. CARNABY STREET - DAY Austin is being chased around the corner by a GAGGLE OF SCHOOLGIRLS After a moment, Austin returns from around the corner with a Baton, followed by a MARCHING BAND The schoolgirls pick up his trail again and he begins to Run A 1967 Jaguar XKE convertible, which is decorated with a Large Union Jack, pulls beside Austin He jumps over the door into the moving convertible, racing Off just ahead of the crowd EXT./INT. JAGUAR - STREETS OF LONDON - DAY The driver of the Jag is Austin's a**ociate, MRS. KENSINGTON A beautiful woman in her thirties They drive against obvious REAR PROJECTION of 1960's London AUSTIN Hello, Mrs. Kensington MRS. KENSINGTON Hello, Austin Just then, a FLASHING RED LIGHT goes off and we hear a Distinctive PHONE RING MRS. KENSINGTON That'll be Basil Exposition, Chief Of British Intelligence The glove compartment revolves to reveal a picture phone ANGLE ON: PICTURE PHONE SCREEN. We see BASIL EXPOSITION a Distinguished older man. A desk plate reads: "Basil Exposition, Chief of British Intelligence." BASIL EXPOSITION (on picture phone) Hello, Austin. This is Basil Exposition, Chief of British Intelligence You're Austin Powers, International Man of Mystery, and you're With Agent Mrs. Kensington. The year is 1967, and you're talking on a Picture phone AUSTIN We know all that, Exposition BASIL EXPOSITION I just wanted to be extremely clear So that everyone knows what's going On at any given time. We've just Received word that Dr. Evil, the Ultimate square, is planning to take Over the world AUSTIN Dr. Evil? I thought I put him in Jail for good BASIL EXPOSITION I'm afraid not. Earlier this week Dr. Evil escaped from Zedel Edel Prison in Baaden Baaden and now he's Planning a trap for you tonight at The Electric Psychedelic p**ycat Swinger's Club in Picadilly Circus Here in swinging London A panel revolves to reveal a map of London with lights showing Austin's position and the location of the club AUSTIN Just where you'd never think to look For him. We'll be there BASIL EXPOSITION Good luck, Austin AUSTIN Thank you BASIL EXPOSITION Oh, and Austin&emdash; AUSTIN Yes? BASIL EXPOSITION (pause) Be careful AUSTIN Thank you (to Mrs. Kensington) Let's go, baby! EXT. STOCK FOTTAGE - PICADILLY CIRCUS - NIGHT On top of one building is a three-story high BOB'S BIG BOY figure EXT. ELECTRIC PSYCHEDELIC PUSSYCAT SWINGER'S CLUB - NIGHT The Jaguar pulls up in front of the swinging nightclub Mrs. Kensington steps out of the car, dressed in a tight Leather fightsuit. She looks fabulous INT. ELECTRIC PSYCHEDELIC PUSSYCAT SWINGER'S CLUB It's a swinging club. FREAKS abound. In one corner, there Is a PRESS CONFERENCE in progress MICK JAGGER Hey Austin Powers, it's me, Mick Jagger AUSTIN Hey, Mick! MICK JAGGER Are you more satisfied now s**ually Austin? AUSTIN Well, you can't always get what you Want MICK JAGGER (thinking) "You can't always get what you want!" That's a great title for a song! I'm Gonna write that, and it'll be a big hit AUSTIN Good on ya, man MICK JAGGER Groovy! FULL SCREEN INSERT A vinyl 45 of "You Can't Always Get What You Want." 9 FULL SCREEN INSERT - BILLBOARD CHART "You Can't Always Get What You Want" at Number One INT. ELECTRIC PSYCHEDELIC PUSSYCAT SWINGER'S CLUB In one corner ANDY WARHOL sits in front of his multi-colored Elvis (or equivalent). He body paints a bu*terfly on the Thigh of a MOD GIRL wearing a metallic miniskirt outfit ANDY WARHOL Austin Powers? Hi, I'm Andy Warhol AUSTIN Hey, how are you? ANDY WARHOL Hungry AUSTIN Here, have this can of Campbell's Tomato Soup Austin hands Andy a can of soup ANDY WARHOL I'm going to paint this can of soup And become famous and not give you Any credit for it AUSTIN If you can become famous, everyone Will have their fifteen minutes of Fame, man ANDY WARHOL "Fifteen minutes of fame?" I'm going To use that quote and not give you Any credit for that, either AUSTIN Smashing! FULL SCREEN INSERT Andy Warhol's famous Soup Can painting INT. ELECTRIC PSYCHEDELIC PUSSYCAT SWINGER'S CLUB HER MAJESTY, THE QUEEN is giving Austin a Victoria's Cross Like the Lyndon Johnson scene in Forrest Gump. Behind them Are two COLDSTREAM GUARDS and the DUKE OF EDINBURGH QUEEN Austin Powers, Britain owes you a Debt of gratitude Austin gives a cheeky look to Mrs. Kensington QUEEN I understand you were wounded. Where Were you hit? AUSTIN In the but-tocks QUEEN That must be a sight. I'd kind of Like to see that Austin turns around, drops his pants, and shows his wounded Bum (matching Gump's) to the queen The queen walks away QUEEN (laughing) Nice bu*tocks In the line-up we also see FOREST GUMP. He has to pee very Badly MRS. KENSINGTON We've got to find Dr. Evil! AUSTIN Wait, I've got an idea He PUNCHES a PRETTY MOD GIRL in the face, knocking her out Cold EVERYONE Ohhh! MRS. KENSINGTON Austin, why in God's name did you Strike that woman? AUSTIN That ain't no woman! It's a man Man. It's one of Dr. Evil's Assa**ins Austin pulls off the mod girl's wig. She is a MALE ASSASSIN The a**a**in comes to and leaps to his feet Mrs. Kensington knocks his feet from under him. The a**a**in Hits the ground and pulls out a dagger. Mrs. Kensington Kicks the knife out of his hand and Austin gets him in a Head-lock from behind AUSTIN Where's Doctor Evil? ANGLE ON: A FINGER WITH DR. EVIL'S INSIGNIA ON IT. THE FINGER PULLS THE TRIGGER OF A SPEAR Gun. The a**a**in falls forward. A spear protrudes from His back. Austin sees Dr. Evil as he runs through a door They give chase INT. CLUB - BACK ROOM They enter. Dr. Evil climbs into an egg chair AUSTIN I've got you again, Dr. Evil! The chair fills with a WHITE MIST DR. EVIL (unseen, through mist) Not this time. Come, Mr Bigglesworth! (calling out) See you in the future, Mr. Powers! Before the doors close, the white CAT jumps in the egg chair A sign on the egg reads "CRYOGENIC FREEZING BEGINNING." MRS. KENSINGTON My God! He's freezing himself Austin begins FIRING at the egg chair. The ceiling opens up And the egg rises through the opening. Everything begins to RUMBLE. Rocket exhaust pours out of the ceiling EXT. ROOF - NIGHT The Bob's Big Boy rocket begins to LIFT OFF EXT. CLUB - SIDEWALK - NIGHT PEOPLE outside the club react to the rocket EXT. EARTH FROM SPACE The Bob's Big Boy rocket leaves the atmosphere. Mr Bigglesworth is pressed to the window like one of those Stuffed Garfields DR. EVIL (V.O.) (shivering) I'll be back, Mr. Powers, when free Love is dead, and greed and avarice Once again rule the world EXT. NORAD - COLORADO SPRINGS, COLORADO GRAPHIC: 1997 - NORAD - COLORADO SPRINGS THIS SCENE IS SHOT IN THE MULTIPLE SPLIT SCREEN STYLE, LIKE THE THOMAS CROWN AFFAIR: 16 FULL SCREEN - INT. NORAD TRACKING ROOM A BLIP appears on the radar screen RADAR OPERATOR (on phone) Commander Gilmour? 17 SPLIT SCREEN 2 - INT. COMMANDER GILMOUR'S OFFICE COMMANDER GILMOUR, a distinguished man in his fifties RADAR OPERATOR (on phone) Commander, this is Slater in SoWest Com Three. We have a potential bogey With erratic vectoring and an Unorthodox entry angle COMMANDER GILMOUR (on phone) Is it one of ours? RADAR OPERATOR No. Log Com Bird Twelve says its Metalurg recon an*lysis is a standard Alloy, not stealthy, not carbon- Composite (pause) It does have an odd shape, sir COMMANDER GILMOUR What are you saying, son? RADAR OPERATOR It appears to be in the shape of Bob's Big Boy, sir 18 SCREEN 3 - THE BOB'S BIG BOY ROCKET The rocket is dirty and battered from thirty years in space COMMANDER GILMOUR Oh my God, he's back DRAMATIC STING RADAR OPERATOR In many ways, Bob's Big Boy never Left, sir. He's always offered the Same high quality meals at competitive Prices COMMANDER GILMOUR Shut up RADAR OPERATOR Should we scramble TacHQ for an Intercept? COMMANDER GILMOUR What's its current position? 19 SCREEN 4 - A RADAR MAP OF NEVADA On the radar screen it says "NEVADA." RADAR SCREEN It was over Nevada, but...oh my God! It's gone! COMMANDER GILMOUR Listen son, I want you to forget What you saw here tonight RADAR OPERATOR Commander, I have to log it&emdash; COMMANDER GILMOUR That's a direct order. You didn't See a thing! He hangs up and picks up another phone COMMANDER GILMOUR (into phone) Philips 20 SCREEN 5 - SERGEANT PHILIPS AT HIS DESK SERGEANT PHILIPS picks up the phone COMMANDER GILMOUR Call the President SCREEN 6 - THE WHITE HOUSE COMMANDER GILMOUR Prepare the jet... 22 SCREEN 7 - AN AIR FORCE JET ON A RUNWAY COMMANDER GILMOUR Get my overnight bag 23 SCREEN 8 - AN OVERNIGHT BAG COMMANDER GILMOUR Philips, do me a favor and feed my Fish SCREEN 9 - FISH IN A TANK A hand enters and sprinkles fish food COMMANDER GILMOUR Not too much! The hand re-enters and scoops up some of the fish food COMMANDER GILMOUR I'm going to London, England EXT. MINISTRY OF DEFENSE - LONDON, ENGLAND GRAPHIC: LONDON, ENGLAND - MINISTRY OF DEFENSE MUSIC: "RULE BRITANNIA" INT. M.O.D. - HALLWAY (OUTSIDE CRYOGENIC STORAGE FACILITY) Basil Exposition (now aged 30 years), Command Gilmour, and NICOLAI BORSCHEVSKY, a Russian General, put on extreme-weather Gear over their uniforms BASIL EXPOSITION As you know, gentlemen, Dr. Evil had Himself frozen in 1967. Soon after Austin Powers volunteered to have Himself frozen, in the event Dr Evil should ever return. We believe Dr. Evil has begun yet another plot To take over the world. And that Gentlemen, is why we're here COMMAND GILMOUR Outstanding re-cap, Exposition Command Gilmour opens a vault door. COLD MIST escapes INT. M.O.D. - CRYOGENIC STORAGE FACILITY They pa** a row of cryogenic holding berths, each containing A naked PERSON in suspended animation, a la Demolition Man They pa** GARY COLEMAN, EVEL KNIEVAL (with cape), and VANILLA ICE, all in suspended animation. They pa** a now-empty berth With a plate that reads "JOHN TRAVOLTA." BORSCHEVSKY Who is this Austin Powers? Is he a British operative? BASIL EXPOSITION No, he worked freelance, an Internationally renowned swinging Photographer by day and the ultimate Gentlemen spy by night Finally, they come across Austin Powers: He is naked. His Hands cover up his private parts. The look on his face Suggests 'Oh my God, my bits and pieces are cold'. His Gla**es are frosted over. He is very hairy FEMALE ANNOUNCER (on PA) Attention, Stage One, laser cutting Beginning Lasers begin to cut Austin out of the ice in one huge cube FEMALE ANNOUNCER (on PA) Laser cutting complete. Stage Two Warm liquid goo phase beginning A ROBOTIC ARM lifts the cube out of the berth and places it Into a high-tech melting vat of warm liquid GOO FEMALE ANNOUNCER (on PA) Warm liquid goo phases complete Stage Three, reanimation beginning Austin comes to life out of the goo on a draining platform FEMALE ANNOUNCER (on PA) Reanimation complete. Stage Four Cleansing beginning INT. EXAMINATION AREA Technicians lead a half-asleep Austin to a screened area Where only his feet and head are visible. He's washed off With a series of hot-water jets FEMALE ANNOUNCER (on PA) Cleansing complete. Stage Five Evacuation beginning He's given futuristic inoculations and then led to a screened- In toilet area. We can hear the sound of PEE ENTERING THE BOWL He PEES for a while, then a little longer And then EVEN LONGER STILL The stream seems to be subsiding...then begins STRONGER than Ever He is still PEEING Finally, it STOPS FEMALE ANNOUNCER (PA) Evacuation com... He begins PEEING again A little LONGER Then in short staccato BURSTS The it STOPS. Pause Two DRIPS FEMALE ANNOUNCER Evacuation... (waiting) Complete! The cryogenic state of Austin Powers is now completed Austin lies in a bed tilted up in an extreme angle à la Dr Frankenstein's lab. NURSE TECHNICIANS administer injections And monitor electrodes, IV's, and other biological sensors AUSTIN (weakly) Where am I? BASIL EXPOSITION You're in the Ministry of Defense It's 1997. You've been cryogenically Frozen for thirty years AUSTIN (shouting) WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE? BASIL EXPOSITION The shouting is a temporary side- Effect of the unfreezing process AUSTIN Yes, I'm having trouble Controlling&emdash; (shouting) THE VOLUME OF MY VOICE! BASIL EXPOSITION You might also experience a slight Fever, dry mouth, and flatulence at Moments of extreme relaxation Austin, this is Commander Gilmour Strategic Command, and General Borschevsky, Russian Intelligence AUSTIN Russian Intelligence? Are you mad? BASIL EXPOSITION A lot's happened since you were Frozen, Austin. The cold war's over AUSTIN Thank God. Those capitalist dogs Will finally pay for their crimes Against the people Hey Comrades? BASIL EXPOSITION We won, Austin AUSTIN Groovy. Smashing! Good on ya! (to Gilmour) Nice tie. Yea capitalism! COMMANDER GILMOUR Mr. Powers, the President's very Concerned. We've got a madman on The loose in Nevada BASIL EXPOSITION It's Dr. Evil AUSTIN When do I begin? BASIL EXPOSITION Immediately. You'll be working with Ms. Kensington AUSTIN You mean Mrs. Kensington? BASIL EXPOSITION No, Austin, Mrs. Kensington has long- Since retired. Ms. Kensington is Her daughter VANESSA KENSINGTON, Mrs. Kensington's daughter, beautiful Mid-Twenties, English, enters. She is wearing a very Conservative, business pantsuit. Her hair is up and she Wears gla**es. Austin's breath is taken away She sets down a huge stack of files BASIL EXPOSITION Vanessa's one of our top agents AUSTIN (out loud, to himself) My God, Vanessa's got a smashing Body. I bet she shags like a minx How do I tell them that because of The unfreezing process, I have no Inner monologue? (pause) I hope I didn't say that out loud Just now There is an uncomfortable SILENCE VANESSA Mr. Powers, my job is to acclimate You to the Nineties. You know, a Lot's changed since 1967 AUSTIN Well, as long as people are still Having promiscuous s** with many Anonymous partners without protection While at the same time experimenting With mind-expanding Drugs in a consequence-free environment, I'll be sound as a Pound VANESSA My mother's told me all about you AUSTIN If it's a lie, goddamn her. It it's The truth, goddamn me (pause) God, I hope that's witty. How's Your mum? VANESSA My mother's doing quite well, thank You very much BASIL EXPOSITION Yes, well...Agent Kensington will Get you set up. She's very dedicated Perhaps, a little too dedicated (aside to Austin) She's got a bit of a bug up her a** Good luck, Austin, the world's Depending on you AUSTIN Thank you, Exposition BASIL EXPOSITION Oh, and Austin&emdash; AUSTIN Yes? BASIL EXPOSITION Be careful AUSTIN Thanks Basil exits INT. M.O.D. - QUARTERMASTER'S WINDOW Austin and Vanessa wait at the window VANESSA Let's gather your personal effects Shall we? A CLERK brings out a locker-basket and reads off a list CLERK (reading) Danger Powers, personal effects AUSTIN Actually, my name's Austin Powers CLERK It says here, name Danger Powers AUSTIN Danger's my middle name CLERK OK, Austin Danger Powers: One blue Crushed-velvet suit. One frilly Lace cravat. One gold medallion With peace symbol. One pair of Italian shoes. One pair of tie-dyed Socks, purple. One vinyl recording Album: Tom Jones, Live at Las Vegas One Swedish-made penis enlarger pump AUSTIN (embarra**ed) That's not mine CLERK (reading) One credit card receipt for Swedish- Made penis enlarger pump, signed Austin Powers AUSTIN I'm telling you, baby, that's not Mine CLERK (reading) One warranty card for Swedish-made Penis enlarger pump, filled out by Austin Powers AUSTIN I don't even know what this is This sort of thing ain't my bag Baby CLERK (reading) One book: Swedish-Made Penis Enlarger Pumps and Me: This Sort of Thing Is My Bag, Baby, by Austin Powers The clerk shows the book to Austin, who is humiliated AUSTIN OK, OK man, don't get heavy, I'll Sign. Just to get things moving Baby VANESSA Listen, Mr. Powers, I look forward To working with you, but do me a Favor and stop calling me baby. You Can address me as Agent Kensington We have to leave immediately. We've Preserved your private jet just as You left it. It's waiting at Heathrow Airport AUSTIN (excited) My jumbo jet? Smashing baby EXT. PLANE TAKING OFF - DAY We see a plane taking off in silhouette EXT. PLANE IN FLIGHT - DAY A multi-colored psychedelic jumbo jet with Austin's logo on the tailpiece INT. PRIVATE PSYCHEDELIC JET The inside looks like Hugh Heffner's jet&emdash; rust shag carpet, brown walls, and beads. Austin and Vanessa sit on beanbag chairs. Vanessa works on her lap top AUSTIN Pretty groovy Jumbo Jet, eh? How Does a hot chick like you end up Working at the Ministry of Defense? VANESSA I went to Oxford and excelled in Several subjects, but I ended up Specializing in foreign languages I wanted to travel -- see the world In my last year I was accepted into The M.O.D. in the Cultural Studies Sector. I thought I was off on an Exciting career, but my job was to Read everything printed in every Country. It's very boring. My whole Day is spent reading wedding Announcements in Farsi. If I do Well with this case, I finally get Promoted to field operative... AUSTIN That's fascinating, Vanessa. Listen Why don't we go into the back and Shag? VANESSA I beg your pardon? AUSTIN I've been frozen for thirty years Man, I want to see if my bits and Pieces are still working VANESSA Excuse me? AUSTIN My wedding tackle VANESSA I'm sorry? AUSTIN My meat and two veg VANESSA Mr. Powers, please. I know that you Must be a little confused, but we Have a very serious situation at Hand. I would appreciate it if you'd Concentrate on our mission and give Your libido a rest AUSTIN Have you ever made love to a Chigro? VANESSA A Chigro? AUSTIN You know, a Chigro&emdash; part Chinese, part Negro&emdash; Chigro VANESSA (offended) We don't use the term 'Negro' anymore It's considered offensive AUSTIN That's right. You're supposed to Say 'colored' now, right? (spotting the flight Attendants) Here's the stewardesses! Bring on The s**y stews! The STEWARDESSES enter. They're not dressed very s**ily One of them is a man and another wears braces FLIGHT ATTENDANT Excuse me, did you say 'stewardess'? We're called 'flight attendants' Now, thank you very much AUSTIN Oh, I get it, it's like 'I'm not a who*e, I'm a s** worker', baby FLIGHT ATTENDANT My name is Mrs. Wilkenson. There Are a few things we need to discuss First of all, we're not wearing these She holds up some skimpy, lingerie-type flight outfits FLIGHT ATTENDANT ALSO, I HAVE SOME QUESTIONS ABOUT THE ITINERARY. IT SAYS HERE, '4:30 - DINNER, 5:30 - Everyone Gets Naked and Covered with Baby Oil, 6:00 - Orgy'? AUSTIN Seems pretty straightforward, don't You think...listen darling, I think You're a fabulous bird. Can I get Your telephone number? FLGHT ATTENDANT (mock s**y) Sure, it's easy to remember (writing on his hand) It's 777-FILM. We have to prepare The craft for take-off now AUSTIN Smashing! When we land I'll give You a tinkle on the telling bone The flight attendant gives him a chilly stare and then exits AUSTIN Brrrr! She must be frigid. There's Two things I know about life: one Americans will never take to soccer Two, Swedish girls and stewardesses Love to shag! They're shag-mad, man! Let me ask you a question, Vanessa And be honest VANESSA Sure AUSTIN Do I make you horny? VANESSA What? AUSTIN Do I make you horny? Randy, you Know. To you, am I eros manifest? VANESSA I hope this is part of the unfreezing Process AUSTIN Listen, Vanessa, I'm a swinger&emdash; That's what I do, I swing VANESSA I understand that, Mr. Powers, but Let me be perfectly clear with you Perhaps to the point of being Insulting. I will never have s** With you, ever. If you were the Last man on Earth and I was the last Woman on Earth, and the future of The human race depended on our having Sex simply for procreation, I still Would not have s** with you Austin is oblivious AUSTIN What's you point, Vanessa? EXT. PLANE IN FLIGHT - NIGHT Austin's plane. Time has pa**ed IINT. PRIVATE JET - NIGHT Vanessa's lap-top BEEPS COMPUTER VOICE You've got mail! ANGLE ON: the computer screen. It's Basil Exposition BASIL EXPOSITION Hello Austin. Hello Vanessa. This Is Basil Exposition, from British Intelligence There's a company in Las Vegas called Virtucon that we think May be linked to Dr. Evil. Many of the Virtucon executives Gamble at the hotel/casino where you'll be staying. That's The first place you should look. Well, I'm off to the chat Rooms AUSTIN Thank you, Exposition BASIL EXPOSITION Oh, and Austin&emdash; AUSTIN Yes? BASIL EXPOSITION Be careful Vanessa closes her lap-top PILOT (over loudspeaker) Ladies and gentlemen, we're beginning Our final descent into Las Vegas International Airport. Flight Attendants will be coming by to Collect your drinks, and I'll ask You at this time to please return to The main cabin and put your Bean-bags in the upright position Austin and Vanessa fasten the seatbelts on their bean bags EXT. AIRPLANE LANDING - NIGHT We see a plane's lights landing at night ZOOM CUT TO: INT. PSYCHEDELIC SCENE BREAK MUSIC: Psychedelic Wa-wa Pedal Funky Drummer Beat TITLE GRAPHIC: The Trip Using a sequence of snap-zooms, colored Projections, and flashing lights, we see Austin dance crazily à la BOB FOSSE with a GO-GO GIRL in a bikini with the Austin Powers logo body-painted on her midriff The sequence lasts five seconds and is very groovy EXT. LAS VEGAS MONTAGE - NIGHT Sights and sounds of Las Vegas icons at night: "Welcome to Las Vegas" sign. Luxor. The giant cowboy whose arm waves Caesar's Palace. The montage ends on the modern skyline of Las Vegas GRAPHIC: 1997, SOMEWHERE IN NEVADA INT. DR. EVIL'S PRIVATE QUARTERS DR. EVIL (face again unseen) Ladies and Gentlemen, it's been a Long time, but I'm back. It's all Gone perfectly to plan except for One small flaw. Because of a Technical error, my right arm was Not frozen. I was therefore by Definition only partially frozen ANGLE ON EVIL ASSOCIATE MUSTAFA. He is terrified and sweaty Eyes darting left and right MUSTAFA But my design was perfect! Your Autonomic functions were shut down And even though your arm wasn't Frozen, the aging was retarded Therefore your right arm is only Slightly older than the left DR. EVIL Can't you see I'm only half a man? Look at me, I'm a freak! He holds up his older right arm, which looks normal MUSTAFA But Dr. Evil, all you need to do Is&emdash; (holding up tennis Ball) --work with this tennis ball. Squeeze It for twenty minutes a day. A few Months of that and it'll be just as Strong as the other arm... DR. EVIL And look what you've done to Mr Bigglesworth! ANGLE ON MR. BIGGLESWORTH Who is now totally hairless, with a fringe of white hair Around it's ears, like Dr. Evil himself MUSTAFA We could not anticipate feline Complications due to the reanimation Process&emdash; DR. EVIL (face unseen) Silence! ANGLE ON A HAND WITH DR. EVIL'S RING ON IT Dr. Evil presses a bu*ton. Mustafa's chair tips back and he Falls backwards into a pit MUSTAFA (blood-curdling scream) Ahhhhhhhhh! DR. EVIL (face unseen) Let this be a reminder to you all That this organization will not Tolerate failure MUSTAFA'S SCREAMS ECHO FAINTLY ANGLE ON: DR. EVIL FOR THE FIRST TIME. HE IS IN HIS EARLY FIFTIES AND IS BALD, WITH A HIDEOUS Scar on his cheek DR. EVIL Gentlemen, let's get down to business More muffled SCREAMS DR. EVIL We've got a lot of work to do MUSTAFA (O.S.) (muffled) Someone help me! I'm still alive Only I'm very badly burned DR. EVIL (slightly distracted) Some of you I know, some of you I'm Meeting for the first time MUSTAFA (O.S.) (muffled) Hello up there! Anyone! Can someone Call an ambulance? I'm in quite a Lot of pain DR. EVIL (very frustrated) You've all been gathered here to Form my Evil Cabinet. Excuse me He picks up a white phone and MURMURS into it MUSTAFA (O.S.) (muffled) If somebody can open the retrieval Hatch down here, I could get out See, I designed this device myself And...oh, hi! Good, I'm glad you Found me. Listen, I'm very badly Burned, so if you could just&emdash; SFX: Muffled Gunshot MUSTAFA (O.S.) (muffled) Ow! You shot me! DR. EVIL Right. Okay. Moving on MUSTAFA (O.S.) (muffled) You shot me right in the arm! Why Did&emdash; SFX: Muffled Gunshot Dr. Evil waits. Nothing DR. EVIL Let me go around the table and Introduce everyone. Frau Farbissina... ANGLE ON FRAU FARBISSINA DR. EVIL ...founder of the militant wing of The Salvation Army. Random Task... RANDOM TASK is a large Korean man in a butler's uniform DR. EVIL ...a Korean ex-wrestler, evil handyman Extraordinaire. Show them what you Do He stands up, bows, then takes off his shoe and THROWS it. It knocks the head off a sculpture across the room DR. EVIL Thank you, Random Task. Patty O'Brien... PATTY O'BRIEN, a small, wiry Irishman with fiery eyes DR. EVIL ...ex-Irish a**a**in. His trademark? Around PATTY O'BRIENS WRIST is a charm bracelet DR. EVIL A superstitious man, he leaves a Tiny keepsake on every victim he k**s. Scotland Yard would love to Get their hands on that piece of Evidence PATTY O'BRIEN (heavy Irish accent) Yes, they're always after me lucky Charms! Everyone in the room tries to keep a straight face PATTY O'BRIEN What? What? Why does everyone always Laugh when I say that? They are After me lucky charms They cannot contain their LAUGHTER PATTY O'BRIEN (angry) What? FRAU FARBISSINA (through suppressed Laughter) It's a television commercial with This little cartoon Leprechaun who Is a benevolent imp who is very Concerned that these children will Steal his lucky charms which are Foodstuffs fashioned into various Shapes&emdash; hearts, moons, clovers What have you... (pause) It's a long story DR. EVIL Finally, I come to my number two Man. His name: Number Two NUMBER TWO, a good-looking 40-year-old man with an eye-patch DR. EVIL For thirty years, Number Two has run Virtucon, the legitimate face of my Evil empire He hits a bu*ton. The conference table slowly rotates to Reveal a large, illuminated map of the United States dotted By various miniature models NUMBER TWO Over the last thirty years, Virtucon Has grown by leaps and bounds. About Fifteen years ago, we changed from Volatile chemicals to the Communication industry. We own cable Companies in thirty-eight states The thirty-eight states illuminate on the map NUMBER TWO In addition to our cable holdings We own a steel mill in Cleveland A steel mill miniature illuminates in Cleveland NUMBER TWO Shipping in Texas A ship off the coast of Texas illuminates NUMBER TWO Oil refineries in Seattle An oil refinery illuminates in Seattle NUMBER TWO And a factory in Chicago that makes Miniature models of factories The miniature model factory lights up in Chicago NUMBER TWO We also own the Franklin mint, which Makes decorative hand-painted theme Plates for collectors (holds up plate) Some plates, like the Gone With The Wind series, have gone up in value As much as two-hundred and forty Percent, but, as with any investment There is some risk involved DR. EVIL Gentlemen, I have a plan. It's called Blackmail. The Royal Family of Britain are the wealthiest landowners In the world. Either the Royal Family Pays us an exorbitant amount of money Or we make it look like Prince Charles, the heir to the throne, has Had an affair outside of marriage And, therefore, they would have to Divorce There is an uncomfortable silence NUMBER TWO Um, Dr. Evil, Prince Charles did Have an affair. He admitted it, and They are now divorced, actually DR. EVIL People have to tell me these things I've been frozen for thirty years Throw me a bone here (pausing) OK, no problem. Here's my second Plan. Back in the Sixties I had a Weather changing machine that was in Essence a sophisticated heat beam Which we called a "laser." Using This laser, we punch a hole in the Protective layer around The Earth, which we scientists call the "Ozone Layer." Slowly But surely, ultraviolet rays would pour in, increasing the Risk of skin cancer. That is, unless the world pays us a Hefty ransom There is another uncomfortable silence NUMBER TWO Umm, that also has already happened DR. EVIL Right (pause) Oh, hell, let's just do what we always Do. Let's hijack some nuclear weapons And hold the world hostage (pause) Gentlemen, it's come to my attention That a breakaway Russian Republic Called Kreplachistan will be Transferring a nuclear warhead to The United Nations in a few days Here's the plan. We get the warhead And we hold the world ransom... (dramatic pause) ...FOR ONE MILLION DOLLARS! There is an uncomfortable pause NUMBER TWO Don't you think we should ask for More than a million dollars? A Million dollars isn't that much money These days DR. EVIL All right then... (dramatic pause) ...FIVE MILLION DOLLARS! There is another uncomfortable pause NUMBER TWO Virtucon alone makes over nine billion Dollars a year DR. EVIL (pleasantly surprised) Oh, really? (slightly irritated) One-hundred billion dollars (pause) OK, make it happen. Anything else? FRAU FARBISSINA Remember when we froze your semen You said that if it looked like you Weren't coming back to try and make You a son so that a part of you would Live forever? DR. EVIL Yes FRAU FARBISSINA Well, after a few years, we got sort Of impatient. Dr. Evil, I want you To meet your son DR. EVIL My son? FRAU FARBISSINA Yes (calling out) Scott! SCOTT EVIL walks out. He is fifteen, grungy, and wears a Kurt Cobain T-shirt SCOTT EVIL Hi DR. EVIL Hello, Scott. I'm your father, Dr Evil (emotional) I have a son! I have a son! Everyone, I have a son! (gesturing to globe) Someday, Scott, this will all be Yours SCOTT EVIL I haven't seen you my whole life and Now you show up and want a Relationship? I hate you! EXT. JAGUAR - DRIVING - VEGAS - DAY Vanessa and Austin drive in his perfectly-preserved Jag AUSTIN You've preserved my Jag! Smashing! VANESSA Yes, we've had it retrofitted with a Secure cellular phone, an on-board Computer, and a Global Geosynchronous Positioning Device. Oh, and finally This The glove compartment revolves to reveal a display of various Dental hygiene products&emdash; floss, toothpaste, toothbrush Dental mirror, and cleaning tool AUSTIN Let me guess. The floss is garotte Wire, the toothpaste contains plastic Explosives, and the toothbrush is The detonation device VANESSA No, actually. I don't know how to Put this really. Well, there have Been fabulous advances in the field Of dentistry AUSTIN Why? What's wrong with my teeth? EXT. VEGAS HOTEL - NIGHT The Union Jack-emblazoned Jaguar pulls up to the front door INT. VEGAS HOTEL ROOM Vanessa carries her compact flight attendant bag and Austin Takes his two bright red oversized leatherette Samsonite Suitcases AUSITN Which side of the bed do you want? VANESSA You're going to sleep on the sofa I'd like to remind you, Mr. Powers That the only reason we're sharing a Room is to support our cover story That we're a married couple on Vacation AUSTIN So, shall we shag now, or shall we Shag later? How do you like to do It? Do you like to wash up first? Top and tails? A who*e's bath? Personally, before I'm on the job, I Like to give my undercarriage a bit Of a how's-your-father AUSTIN (off her angry reaction) I'm just joking, Vanessa. Trying to Get a rise out of you They both laugh VANESSA Let's unpack HER LUGGAGE: In the inside flap is a types list of contents All of her items are in separate, labeled plastic bags AUSTIN Gor blimey, nerd alert HIS LUGGAGE: He pulls out a Nehru jacket and a huge Remington Shaver with huge English plug HER LUGGAGE: She pulls out a compact clothes steamer/travel Iron and a Braun blow drier HIS LUGGAGE: He pulls out a vintage 1967 Playboy and a bottle Of Jurgens lotion HER LUGGAGE: She pulls out Wet-Naps, her underthings in a Plastic baggie marked "Underthings" and her shoes in a baggie Marked "Shoes." HIS LUGGAGE: He pulls out a miniature meditation gong and Hai Karate cologne HER LUGGAGE: She pulls out a dossier labeled "Dr. Evil - Top Secret." HIS LUGGAGE: He pulls out the Swedish penis enlarger pump Vanessa sees it AUSTIN Hey, who put this in here? Someone's Playing a prank on me! Honestly This isn't mine VANESSA (suffering) I'm sure AUSTIN I think I'll give that stew a ding-a- Ling Austin casually dials the phone while looking at his palm After a beat we hear a loud MALE VOICE coming through the Handset MOVIE PHONE VOICE (through handset) Hello! And welcome to 777-FILM! Austin covers the mouthpiece and whispers to Vanessa AUSTIN I got her answering machine INT. CASINO Austin and Vanessa walk through the casino. Austin gives PEOPLE two-handed handshakes. They stare like he's a freak AUSTIN I love Las Vegas, man. Oh, I forgot My x-ray gla**es VANESSA Here, use mine AUSTIN I'm going to use a cover name. It's Important that it be a generic name So that we don't draw attention to Ourselves INT. CASINO Austin and Vanessa join the high-rollers table. Number Two Is there, complete with eyepatch. On one side of him is a Beautiful ITALIAN WOMAN (a la SOPHIA LOREN) in a white dress With a white kerchief on her head. On the other side of him Is an extremely large-breasted BIMBO AUSTIN Do you mind if I join you? NUMBER TWO Not at all The DEALER deals DEALER Seventeen Zoom in on Number Two's eyepatch NUMBER TWO'S MONOCULAR POV GRAPHIC: "X-RAY EYEPATCH". We see everyone at the casino In their underwear. He looks at the next card in the shoe It is a 4 NUMBER TWO Hit me DEALER You have seventeen, sir. The book Says not to, sir NUMBER TWO I like to live dangerously The dealer draws a card from the card shoe DEALER Four. Twenty-one Everyone at the table applauds. The dealer deals to Austin And Number Two DEALER (to Austin) Eighteen (to Number Two) Sixteen NUMBER TWO'S POV GRAPHIC: "X-RAY EYEPATCH". He looks at the shoe at the Shoe and sees that the next card is a ten NUMBER TWO I'll stay DEALER (to Austin) Sir? Smugly, Austin puts on Vanessa's x-ray gla**es AUSTIN'S POV GRAPHIC: "X-RAY SPECS". Everyone is in their underwear But it is completely blurry DEALER (to Austin) Sir? VANESSA (quietly) What's wrong? AUSTIN (quietly, to Vanessa) I can't see a bloody thing VANESSA Oh, I forgot to tell you, they're Prescription X-ray gla**es. I have Very bad astigmatism DEALER Sir, the table is waiting AUSTIN (panicking) Uh, hit me The table MURMURS DEALER On an eighteen, sir? AUSTIN Yes, I also like to live dangerously The dealer deals him the ten NUMBER TWO You're very brave AUSTIN Cards are not my bag, man. Allow Myself to introduce...myself. My Name is Ritchie Cunningham Vanessa is mortified AUSTIN (indicating Vanessa) This is my wife, Oprah NUMBER TWO My name is Number Two (indicating Italian woman) and This is my Italian confidential Secretary. Her name is Alotta... Alotta f*gina AUSTIN Come again? ALOTTA Alotta f*gina AUSTIN I'm just not getting it. It sounds like your Name was a lot of...never mind What exactly do you do, Mr. Number Two? NUMBER TWO That's my business AUSTIN If you'll excuse me, I have to go to the little boys' room. You keep your eye on the Italian bird. We'll rendezvous back at the hotel suite.. Austin and Vanessa leave INT. CASINO VANESSA Why did you leave so soon? AUSTIN That cat Number Two has an X-ray Eyepatch. I get bad vibes from him Man. Listen, we should go back to The room, but first I have to go to The naughty chair and see a man about A dog He heads to the rest room INT. HIGH ROLLERS TABLE - CASINO Number Two has been watching them. He presses a bu*tON INT. BATHROOM - CASINO Austin enters to see a gregarious TEXAN in a huge cowboy Hat. Austin enters a stall. The Texan enters the adjoining Stall TEXAN Good luck, buddy. You don't buy Food, you rent it AUSTIN Too right, youth INT. BATHROOM STALL Austin sits down. Behind him, a panel SLIDES OPEN, revealing Patty O'Brien. His charm bracelet JINGLES. Austin looks Back. Patty's bracelet is now garotte wire. He wraps it Around Austin's throat. Austin gets his thumbs between the Wire and certain d**h AUSTIN (grunting) Uh, uh! INT. TEXAN'S STALL The Texan can only see Austin's feet, which are moving about Frantically. He can hear the GRUNTING TEXAN Hey pardner, just relax, don't force It! Use some creative visualization INT. AUSTIN'S STALL Austin GRUNTS and snaps his head back into Patty O'Brien's Crotch. Patty O'Brien GROANS in agony PATTY O'BRIEN (groaning) Ughhhhh... Austin breaks free of the charm bracelet/garotte, grabs Patty O'Brien's head, and pulls it between his legs so that it Hovers above the toilet bowl AUSTIN Who does Number Two work for? Who does Number Two work for? INT. TEXAN'S STALL TEXAN That's right! Show that turd who's Boss! INT. AUSTIN'S STALL AUSTIN Who does Number Two work for? PATTY O'BRIEN (quietly, straining) Go to hell Austin drops Patty's head into the toilet and FLUSHES. We Hear MUFFLED GURGLING SOUNDS from Patty O'Brien INT. TEXAN'S STALL The Texan hears all of this, and is now concerned INT. AUSTIN'S STALL Austin reaches into Patty O'Brien's wallet. We see his Dr Evil ID card and Alotta's Virtucon business card with her Address INT. BATHROOM Austin is leaving his stall. The Texan can see Patty O'Brien's dead body head-first in the toilet TEXAN Jesus Christ, what did you eat? ANGLE ON THE FLOOR OF AUSTIN'S STALL Patty O'Brien's lifeless hand hits the floor. The charms Come tumbling out: a heart, a moon, a star, and a clover. A second later, a blue diamond falls out INT. PSYCHEDELIC SCENE BREAK MUSIC: Psychedelic Wa-wa Pedal Funky Drummer Beat TITLE GRAPHIC: Love Power Austin and the go-go girl dance crazily EXT. VEGAS HOTEL - MORNING INT. HOTEL SUITE - DAY Vanessa is on the phone on the bed sifting through photos And files on Dr. Evil, Virtucon, etc In the background, through an open door, we see that Austin Is asleep on the couch VANESSA (into phone) Hello Mum? INT. MRS. KENSINGTON'S HOUSE - LONDON An older Mrs. Kensington sits in her suburban English front room MRS. KENSINGTON (on phone) Oh, hello Vanessa. How was the Flight? VANESSA (V.O.) Great MRS. KENSINGTON How's Austin? VANESSA (V.O.) He's asleep MRS. KENSINGTON You didn't... INT. HOTEL SUITE VANESSA Oh, God no, I made him sleep on the Couch In the background, we see Austin get off the couch. He is very naked and very hairy. A strategically placed vase of flowers blocks his naughty bits from view MRS. KENSINGTON (V.O.) I'm proud of you VANESSA Why? MRS. KENSINGTON (V.O.) Because you managed to resist Austin Power's charms Austin moves towards the bathroom away from the flowers. Right in the nick of time, Vanessa holds up a photo of Number Two and looks at it, blocking his naughty parts VANESSA Well, God knows he tried, but I've Been rather firm with him, Mummy You didn't tell me he was so obsessed With s**. It's bizarre MRS. KENSINGTON (V.O.) You can't judge him by modern Standards. He's very much a product Of his times. In my day he could Have any woman he wanted VANESSA What about his teeth? SPLIT SCREEN - HOTEL ROOM/MRS. KENSINGTON'S HOUSE MRS. KENSINGTON You have to understand, in Britain In the Sixties you could be a s** Symbol and still have bad teeth. It Didn't matter VANESSA I just don't see it MRS. KENSINGTON Just wait. Once Austin gets you in His charms, it's impossible to get Out VANESSA Did you ever... MRS. KENSINGTON Of course not. I was married to Your father VANESSA Did you ever want to? MRS. KENSINGTON Austin is very charming, very Debonair. He's handsome, witty, has A knowledge of fine wines Sophisticated, a world-renowned Photographer. Women want hin, men Want to be him. He's a lover of Love&emdash; every bit an International Man of Mystery We hear the TOILET FLUSH. Mrs. Kensington WIPES off the screen Austin re-enters from left to right, still NAKED. Vanessa holds up Austin's Fab Magazine shoot from the Sixties, and in perfect timing blocks his crotch from the camera VANESSA You didn't answer my question, Mum MRS. KENSINGTON (V.O.) I know. Let me just say this: Austin Was the most loyal and caring friend I ever had I will always love him AUSTIN (V.O.) Good morning, luv, who are you on The phone with? VANESSA (to her mother) Do you want to talk to him? MRS. KENSINGTON (V.O.) No, it's been too long. Best to Leave things alone VANESSA (to Austin) I'm on with a friend! (to her mother) Look, I'd better go. I love you MRS. KENSINGTON (V.O.) I love you, Vanessa Vanessa hangs up. Austin enters wearing an "Austin Powers" Robe AUSTIN Good morning, Vanessa! I hope you Have on clean underwear VANESSA Why? AUSTIN We've got a doctor's appointment&emdash; an evil doctor's appointment EXT. VIRTUCON MAIN ENTRANCE - DRIVEWAY - DAY THROUGH BINOCULAR POV CUT-OUTS We see a black limousine pull up in front. Random Task and Another BODYGUARD exit the limo and secure the area EXT. LAS VEGAS - BUSHES We see that the binoculars belong to Vanessa. She and Austin Are on a stakeout. Austin's Jag is in the background VANESSA A limousine has just pulled up AUSTIN Let me see Austin pulls into frame an extremely long telephoto lens Attached to his vintage camera EXT. VIRTUCON MAIN ENTRANCE TELEPHOTO LENS POV Two more BODYGUARDS leave the building and approach the limo Number Two exits the building Holding Mr. Bigglesworth, the hairless cat. He's not happy About this, and has a scratch on his cheek FREEZE FRAME. SFX: Camera motor drive EXT. BUSHES AUSTIN Hello, hello. That's Dr. Evil's Cat VANESSA How do you know? AUSTIN I never forget a p**y...cat EXT. FRONT ENTRANCE TELEPHOTO LENS POV Number Two hands the hairless cat through limo's window FREEZE FRAME. SFX: Camera motor drive The limousine speeds off EXT. BUSHES VANESSA Let's go get him! AUSTIN He's too well-protected right now VANESSA We can't just sit here, Austin AUSTIN Let me tell you a story. There's These two bulls on top of a hill Checking out some foxy cows in the Meadow below. The young bull says 'hey, why don't we run down the hill And shag us a cow?', and the wise Old bull replies, 'no, why don't we Walk down the hill and shag all the Cows?' VANESSA I don't get it AUSTIN Well, you know...cows, and shagging VANESSA Unfortunately, while you told that Stupid story, Dr. Evil has escaped AUSTIN No worries, luv. We'll just give Basil a tinkle on the telling bone... He notices the way the desert light catches her beauty AUSTIN My God, Vanessa, you are so incredibly Beautiful. Stay right where you Are Austin changes lenses and begins SNAPPING PICTURES VANESSA I hate having my picture taken AUSTIN You're crazy. The camera loves you Vanessa Vanessa does a few coy poses AUSTIN Go, Vanessa, go! Vanessa lets go a little bit more WHITE CYC Austin and Vanessa are in the midst of a full professional Photo shoot, and she's loving it Austin begins SNAPPING pictures, all the while changing her Look, touching her hair AUSTIN Alright, luv! Love it! Turn...pout For me Vanessa. Smashing! Crazy Give me some shoulder (pause) Yes! Yes! Yes! He motions to her two top bu*tons of her blouse. She nods No. Austin nods yes. She sheepishly undoes them. A MONTAGE Of her in various gowns, one more exotic and exciting than The other AUSTIN Show me love. Yes! (beat) Smashing! Vanessa is flanked by two buff MALE MODELS à la Madonna AUSTIN Great! Great! Smashing! (beat) Yes! Yes! Yes! (beat) No! No! Love it. Give me love. Give me mouth. Give me lips (BEAT) Going in very close now He goes in closer AUSTIN Give me eyes (closer) Give me cornea (closer) Give me aqueous humour (closer) Coming in closer. Give me retina Vanessa (closer) Even closer. Give me optic nerve (beat) Love it! (beat) And...done He throws the camera down AUSTIN I'm spent. What say you we go out On the town? EXT. LAS VEGAS STREET - BUS - NIGHT Austin and Vanessa are on the top deck of an open air double- Decker English bus having a full-course formal dinner They're drinking champagne Austin is cutting sausages into ever-smaller pieces, holding His cutlery very English. He has cut one piece to the point To which it's a speck. H puts it on the fork and offers it To her AUSTIN Fancy a nibble? VANESSA I couldn't have another bite They laugh. They drink. It's TOM JONES, serenading them They begin to dance Austin gives her roses. Austin is wooing her EXT. LAS VEGAS STREET - NIGHT They walk along the brightly-lit streets, laughing, enjoying Each other's company. Austin gives Vanessa a pet rock. She Graciously accepts 64 LAS VEGAS - SUPERIMPOSITION MONTAGE Austin and Vanessa stroll against a changing series of Backgrounds&emdash; neon signs, Vegas icons, dice showgirls Etc INT. HOTEL ROOM Sounds of MOANS and GROANS. We see Austin's backside sticking Out above a piece of furniture, then Vanessa's high-heeled Leg straining upwards VANESSA (O.S.) Watch out, you're on my hair! AUSTIN (O.S.) Sorry. Move your hand to the left There you go. Gorgeous VANESSA (O.S.) Go! Just go! We hear a SPINNING SOUND AUSTIN (O.S.) Left hand, blue We now see that Austin and Vanessa are playing TWISTER. She Reaches for left hand blue and they fall over, laughing AUSTIN Wait a tick, I forgot something in The lobby (moving behind the Couch) I know what. I'll take the stairs Behind the couch, Austin mimes going down stairs AUSTIN Maybe I'll take the escalator Austin mimes the smooth descent of an escalator AUSTIN Why take the escalator when I could Take a canoe? Austin mimes rowing a canoe behind the couch VANESSA I haven't had fun like that since College AUSTIN I'm sorry VANESSA Why? AUSTIN I'm sorry that bug up your a** had To die She laughs too much, making a SNORTING sound VANESSA Always wanting to have fun, that's You in a nutshell AUSTIN No, this is me in a nutshell Austin mimes being trapped in a nutshell AUSTIN Help! I'm in a nutshell! What kind Of nut has such a big nutshell? How Did I get into this bloody great big Nutshell? Vanessa laughs again, SNORTING, tipsy AUSTIN You're smashed, Vanessa VANESSA I am not AUSTIN Oh, yes you are VANESSA I'm not. I'm the sensible one. I'm Always the designated driver They are both on the bed. She looks at him. He looks at Her. There is an awkward silence She's about to kiss him, then he pulls away AUSTIN I can't. You're drunk VANESSA It's not that I'm drunk, I'm just Beginning to see what my Mum was Talking about (pause) What was my mother like back in the Sixties? I'm dying to know AUSTIN (sentimental) She was very groovy. She was so in Love with your Dad. If there was One Other cat in this world that could have loved your Mum and Treated her as well as you Dad did, it was me. But Unfortunately for yours truly, that train has sailed Austin hears SNORING. He looks over and sees Vanessa asleep A distinctive PHONE RINGS and a RED LIGHT FLASHES Austin opens one of his funky suitcases to reveal a PICTURE PHONE. It's Basil Exposition, on an airplane BASIL EXPOSITION (on the picture phone) Hello, Austin, this is Basil Exposition from British Intelligence Thank you for confirming the link Between Dr. Evil and Virtucon. Find Out what part Virtucon plays in Something called Project Vulcan I'll need you and Vanessa to get on That immediately AUSTIN Right away, Exposition BASIL EXPOSITION Where is Vanessa, by the way? Austin looks over at Vanessa's sleeping figure AUSTIN She's working on another lead right Now BASIL EXPOSITION Then you'll have to go it alone Good luck AUSTIN Thank you, Basil BASIL EXPOSITION Oh, and Austin&emdash; AUSTIN (knowing) Yes? BASIL EXPOSITION Let me remind you that because of The unfreezing process you might Experience flatulence at moments of Extreme relaxation AUSTIN Oh, yes. Thank you BASIL EXPOSITION There's one more thing, Austin AUSTIN Yes? BASIL EXPOSITION Be careful AUSTIN Thank you Austin looks at Alotta's Virtucon business card INT. ALOTTA'S JAPANESE STYLE PENTHOUSE Austin is in a dark penthouse suite. Austin pa**es a piece Of art that is very suggestive of the female anatomy AUSTIN Paging Dr. Freud He goes over to a credenza where there is a briefcase. He Opens it FULL SCREEN - DOCUMENT Austin's photographing the dossier with his miniature Camera/pendant AUSTIN (photographing) Give it to me baby. Super We now see that the document outlines all of Virtucon's Holdings in a flow-chart fashion AUSTIN Pout for me, luv. Smashing. Yes! Yes! Yes! No! No! One side of the chart is labeled "Secret Projects." Under That we see "Human Organ Trafficking", "Carrot Top Movie" And in CLOSE-UP&emdash; "Project Vulcan." We see schematics for some sort of subterranean probe and a Cross-section of the earth labeled "Crust, Mantel, Core." AUSTIN And I'm spent The front door opens. It's Alotta AUSTIN You seem surprised to see me ALOTTA I thought you'd quit while you were Ahead AUSTIN What, and watch all my earnings go... (smug) Down the toilet? ALOTTA What do you want, Mr...Cunningham Was it? AUSTIN Call me Ritchie, Miss f*gina. May I Call you Alotta... (pause) Please? ALOTTA You may AUSTIN Your boss, Number Two, I understand That cat's involved in big underground Drills ALOTTA Virtucon's main interest is in cable Television, but they do have a Subterranean construction division Yes. How did you know? AUSTIN (smug) I didn't, baby, you just told me ALOTTA It's for the mining industry, Mr Cunningham. We can talk about Business later. But first, let me Slip into something more comfortable AUSTIN Behave! MUSIC: "The Look of Love" by SÉRGIO MENDEZ AND BRAZIL '66 Alotta goes behind a Japanese screen. In silhouette she Takes off her clothes and puts on a robe. She opens a pair Of sliding doors to reveal an elaborate Japanese bath grotto INT. JAPANESE BATH She slips off her robe, revealing a DR. EVIL LOGO TATTOO on Her shoulder, and enters the water ALOTTA Come in AUSTIN I'd rather talk about Number Two ALOTTA Don't you like girls, Mr. Cunningham? Come in, and I'll show you everything You need to know Austin takes off his clothes. He is extremely hairy. He Goes in. Alotta produces a soapy sponge and swims over ALOTTA May I wash you? AUSTIN Groovy She washes his back. Behind his back, she pulls out his Wallet and looks through it. ANGLE ON HIS IDENTIFICATION It reads "AUSTIN POWERS, INTERNATIONAL MAN OF MYSTERY." ANGLE ON HIS VARIOUS CARDS: CHARGEX, PLAYBOY CLUB, ETC SHE PUTS HIS WALLET BACK IN HIS Trousers ALOTTA In Japan, men come first and women Come second AUSTIN Or sometimes not at all ALOTTA Care for some saki? AUSTIN Sak-i it to me! Alotta pours them saki. Alotta unscrews the diamond in her Ring. A sign on the inside of her ring reads "Relaxation Pills." She drops two PILLS into his drink Austin takes a sip. His eyes glaze over. He's instantly Woozy ALOTTA How do you feel, Mr. Cunningham? AUSTIN Mmmm...I feel extreme relaxation A big BUBBLE comes to the surface, right in front of Austin AUSTIN (reciting poem) 'Pardon me for being rude, It was Not me, it was my food It just popped up to say hello, and now it's gone back down Below.' ALOTTA That's very clever. Do you know any Other poems? AUSTIN (reciting in a lofty Tone) 'Milk, milk, lemonade Round the corner fudge is made Stick your finger in the hole, And out comes a tootsie roll!' ALOTTA (genuinely moved) Thank you, that's beautiful. To Your health AUSTIN To my health ALOTTA Kiss me They go to kiss. She notices HIS TERRIBLE TEETH, CLOSE-UP ALOTTA Do you mind if I ask you a personal Question? AUSTIN Is it about my teeth? ALOTTA Yes AUSTIN Damn. What exactly do you do at Virtucon? ALOTTA I'll tell you all in due time, after We make love. But first, tell me Another poem AUSTIN I think it was Wordsworth who penned This little gem: 'Press the bu*ton Pull the chain, out comes a chocolate Choo-choo train.' ALOTTA Oh, you're very clever. Let's make Love, you silly, hairy little man She glides over to him INT. PSYCHEDELIC SCENE BREAK MUSIC: Psychedelic Wa-wa Pedal Funky Drummer Beat GRAPHIC: The Party Austin and the go-go girl dance crazily INT. DR. EVIL'S PRIVATE QUARTERS - DAY Dr. Evil, Number Two, and Frau Farbissina sit at the large Conference table DR. EVIL Austin Powers is getting too close He must be neutralized. Any Suggestions? FRAU FARBISSINA Ya wohl&emdash; I mean, yes wohl Herr Doctor. I have created the Ultimate weapon to defeat Austin Powers. Bring on the Fembots! MUSIC: Sexy Matt Helm-type theme THREE FEMBOTS enter. They Are beautiful buxom multiracial girl/robots in Sixties clothes And white go-go boots DR. EVIL Breathtaking, Frau. These automated Strumpets are the perfect bait for The degenerate Powers FRAU FARBISSINA These are the latest word in android Replicant technology. Lethal Efficient, brutal. And no man can Resist their charms. Send in the Soldiers! SEVEN SOLDIERS come in. They are immediately attracted to The FEMBOTS. They throw down their guns and come to the Girls zombie-like When they get within range, guns POP out of the Fembots' Bras and begin FIRING, k**ing the guards DR. EVIL Quite impressive FRAU FARBISSINA Thank you, Herr Doctor DR. EVIL I like to see girls of that caliber By caliber, I mean both the barrel Size of their guns and the high Quality of their character...Forget It SFX: 60'S ELECTRONIC BUZZER NUMBER TWO That would be the video feed from Kreplachistan Dr. Evil and Number Two watch a large screen. We see stock Footage of a Russian warhead. We cut into a close-up of RUSSIAN SOLDIERS being taken prisoner by VIRTUCON SOLDIERS In the front of a Military vehicle DR. EVIL Gentlemen, Phase One is complete The warhead is ours. Let Phase Two Begin! Patch us through to the United Nations security secret meeting room INT. UN SECRET MEETING ROOM REPRESENTATIVES of various countries in their traditional Garb around a large UN-style meeting table. The BRITISH are Dressed in bowler hats. The AMERICANS all look like JFK The CANADIANS are dressed as Mounties. The ARABS are dressed In ceremonial robes, etc DR. EVIL Gentlemen, my name is Dr. Evil They all look up at the SCREEN DR. EVIL In a little while, you'll find out That the Kreplachistani warhead has Gone missing. Well, it's in safe Hands. If you want it back, you'll Have to pay me...ONE MILLION DOLLARS! The UN representatives are confused. Number Two COUGHS DR. EVIL (frustrated) Sorry. ONE-HUNDRED BILLION DOLLARS! The representatives ARGUE amongst themselves UNITED NATIONS SECRETATY Gentlemen, silence! (to Dr. Evil) NOW, MR. EVIL&EMDASH; DR. EVIL (angry) Doctor Evil! I didn't spend six Years in evil medical school to be Called 'mister' UNITED NATIONS SECRETARY Excuse me. Dr. Evil, it is the policy Of the United Nations not to negotiate With terrorists DR. EVIL Fine, have it your way. Gentlemen You have five days to come up with One Hundred billion dollars. If you fail to do so, we'll set Off the warhead and destroy the world UNITED NATIONS SECRETARY You can't destroy the world with a Single warhead DR. EVIL Really? So long. The screen goes BLANK DR. EVIL (to evil a**ociates) Gentlemen, in exactly five days from now, we will be one-hundred billion dollars richer (laughing) Ha-ha-ha-ha (slightly louder) Ha-ha-ha-ha EVIL ASSOCIATES (laughing with him) Ha-ha-ha-ha DR. EVIL & ASSOCIATES (LOUDER AND MORE STACCATO) HA-HA-HA-HA-HA! (louder again, and even more evil and maniacal) HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA! (PAUSE) Ohhhh, ahhhhhh... (pause, quieter) Ohhh, hmmmm (pause, very quiet) Hmn There is an uncomfortable pause, because clearly we should Have FADED TO BLACK. The evil a**ociates look around the Room, not knowing what to do with themselves DR. EVIL Okay...Well...I think I'm going to watch some TV EVIL ASSOCIATES Okay. Sure They exit the frame awkwardly INT. BRITISH MAKESHIFT HQ Austin and Vanessa enter past two BRITISH MILITARY POLICEMAN There is a communications center, a makeshift armory, bunks Etc We see Basil, dressed as the Vegas-era Elvis AUSTIN Hello, Exposition BASIL EXPOSITION Austin, Vanessa, let me bring you up To speed. Dr. Evil has high-jacked A nuclear warhead from Kreplachistan And is holding the world ransom for One-hundred billion dollars. If the World doesn't pay up in four days He's threatening to destroy the world AUSTIN Thank you, Exposition. Only two Things, scare me, and one is nuclear War BASIL EXPOSITION What's the other? AUSTIN Excuse me? BASIL EXPOSITION What's the other thing you're scared Of? AUSTIN Carnies BASIL EXPOSITION What? AUSTIN Circus folk (shudders) Nomads, you know. They smell like Cabbage BASIL EXPOSITION (suffering him) Indeed...If we could get back to the Business at hand. It's one thing to Have a warhead, it's quite another Thing to have the missiles to launch It AUSTIN Maybe these photographs are the last Piece of that puzzle (hands him the photos) I've uncovered the details on Project Vulcan. It's a new subterranean Warhead delivery system BASIL EXPOSITION Good God, and underground missile We've long feared such a development VANESSA When did you find that out, Austin? BASIL EXPOSITION Austin did some reconnaissance work At Alotta f*gina's penthouse last Night VANESSA Oh BASIL EXPOSITON Our next move is to infiltrate Virtucon. Any ideas? VANESSA Yes, Virtucon runs a tour of their Facilities every hour. I suggest we Pose as tourists and do site-level Reconnaissance BASIL EXPOSITION Top drawer, Kensington. Oh, Austin I want you to meet somebody Basil waves to an extremely frail ELDERLY BRITISH LADY BASIL EXPOSITION Austin, this is my mother, Mrs Exposition. She's in from Tunbridge Wells In Kent. Can you believe, she's ninety-two years old? Austin hauls off and PUNCHES the lady in the face BASIL EXPOSITION My God, Austin, what have you done? AUSTIN That's not your mother, that's a Man! Austin begins tugging on her hair MRS. EXPOSITION Owww...my hair! BASIL EXPOSITION Get away from my mother! VANESSA Austin, have you gone mad? The two guards come over and help Mrs. Exposition to a cot MRS. EXPOSITION (through pain) Who is that man? Why did he hit me? BASIL EXPOSIION Don't worry, mother. Lie down Austin, you have a lot of explaining To do AUSTIN I'm sorry, Basil, I thought she was A man BASIL EXPOSITION Damn it, man! You're talking about My mother! AUSTIN You must admit, she is rather mannish No offense, but if that's a woman It looks like she's been beaten with An ugly stick VANESSA Really, Austin! AUSTIN Look at her hands, baby! Those are Carpenter's hands BASIL EXPOSITION All right, Austin, I think you should Go AUSTIN I think if everyone were honest They'd confess that the lady looks Exactly like a man in drag BASIL EXPOSITION I'm leaving! (pause) Oh, and Austin? AUSTIN Yes, Basil? BASIL EXPOSITION Be careful AUSTIN Thanks Basil escorts his mother out VANESSA Austin, may I have a word with you? AUSTIN Of course, luv VANESSA Listen, I know I'm just being Neurotic, but I can't shake this Suspicious Feeling about that Italian secretary, Ms. f*gina. I mean, I Don't want to sound paranoid, but I've had some bad Relationships in the past, and I have some jealousy issues You went to her penthouse. It makes me feel so small to Give into these insecurities, but I can't help but feel this Weird, irrational, unfocused...well, jealousy. I'm sorry AUSTIN Don't be sorry. You're right to be Suspicious. I shagged her. I shagged Her rotten VANESSA (stunned) I can't believe you made love to her Just like that. Did you use Protection? AUSTIN Of course, I had my nine-millimeter Automatic VANESSA No, did you use a condom? AUSTIN Only sailors use condoms, man VANESSA Not in the Nineties AUSTIN Well they should, filthy beggars They go from port to port. Alotta Meant nothing to me VANESSA (pause) Well, it means something to me. If You want us to have a relationship You've got to be a one-woman man AUSTIN It was just a shag, Vanessa. You're Everything to me VANESSA You just don't get it, do you, Austin? Good night. Welcome to the Nineties You're going to be very lonely INT. HOTEL ROOM - NIGHT MUSIC: "What the World Needs Now" by BURT BACHARACH Austin Looks at his address book. ANGLE ON THE PAGE: We see a List of names crossed out, with Comments written in beside them. Beside Jimi Hendrix we see "Deceased, Drugs"; Janis Joplin, "Deceased, Alcohol"; Mama Ca**, "Deceased, Ham Sandwich". Austin looks at his old pair of Sixties-era canvas sneakers He picks up his new pair&emdash; REEBOK SHAQ CROSS-TRAINER PUMPS. He pumps them too much and they explode Austin looks out his window at the lonely city below. We See the CDs he's just purchased, including SERGEANT PEPPER'S And BURT BACHARACH'S GREATEST HITS Austin goes over to the kitchenette and puts a can of unopened Campbell's Tomato Soup in the microwave and turns it on. It Explodes in a shower of sparks and soup He puts the CD on a record player and drops the needle. The NOISE is awful Austin plays MORTAL COMBAT III. His fighter gets his head Ripped off, and blood spews out Austin is genuinely frightened by this INT. BATHROOM Austin attempts to use the Water Pik, but the head is too Loose and water shoots all around the bathroom EXT. CAR - STREETS OF LAS VEGAS - NIGHT Austin drives alone and sad against the rear-projection of Las Vegas INT. CASINO BAR - NIGHT Austin drinks by himself while a gaggle of EIGHT CONTEMPORARY YOUNG PEOPLE IN LOVE cavort. They look at him like he's a Freak Austin raises a bottle of ZIMA as if to say "hey, I'm down With that". They shoot him sarcastic peace signs. Austin Is pleased INT. HOTEL ROOM - DAY Austin sits watching the TIME-LIFE The Last Thirty Years Video on TV. Vanessa enters AUSTIN Hello, luv VANESSA Thirty years of political and social Upheaval. The fall of the Berlin Wall, a female Prime Minister of England, the abolishment of Apartheid A fascinating tapestry of human strum Und drang AUSTIN Yeah, I can't believe Liberace was Gay. Women loved him, man. I didn't See that one coming VANESSA Basil was very concerned to know Where you were last night AUSTIN Out and about, doing odds and sods VANESSA I'll tell him. By the way, I've Decided we should keep our Relationship strictly professional INT. THERAPIST'S OFFICE - NEXT DAY We're in the middle of a group therapy session, containing Six or seven FATHERS with their teenage SONS. It is Emotionally charged. A lot of pained expressions and coffee In Styrofoam cups SON 1 (crying) I love you, Dad DAD 1 I love you, Son They hug. Everyone APPLAUDS. We see Dr. Evil and Scott THERAPIST That was great, Mr. Keon, Dave Thank you. OK, group, we have two New member. Say hello to Scott and His father, Mr....Ehville? DR. EVIL Evil, actually, Doctor Evil GROUP Hello, Dr. Evil. Hello, Scott SCOTT EVIL (into it) Hello, everybody THERAPIST So, Scott, why don't we start with You. Why are you here? SCOTT EVIL Well, it's kind of weird THERAPIST We don't judge here SCOTT EVIL OK. Well, I just really met my Dad For the first time three days ago He was partially frozen for thirty Years. I never knew him growing up He comes back and now he wants me to Take over the family business THERAPIST And how do you feel about that? SCOTT EVIL I don't wanna take over the family Business DR. EVIL But Scott, who's going to take over The world when I die? SCOTT EVIL Not me THERAPIST What do you want to do, Scott? SCOTT EVIL I don't know. I was thinking, maybe I'd be a vet or something, cause I Like animals and stuff DR. EVIL An evil vet? SCOTT EVIL No. Maybe, like, work in a petting Zoo or something DR. EVIL An evil petting zoo? SCOTT EVIL (shouting) You always do that! (calm) Anyways, this is really hard, because You know, my Dad is really evil THERAPIST We don't label people here, Scott SCOTT EVIL No, he's really evil THERAPIST Scott DR. EVIL No, the boy's right. I really am Evil THERAPIST Don't be so hard on yourself. You're Here, that's what's important. A Journey of a thousand miles begins With one step SCOTT EVIL I just think, like, he hates me. I Really think he wants to k** me THERAPIST OK, Scott, no one really wants to "k**" anyone here. They say it But they don't mean it The group LAUGHS DR. EVIL Actually, the boy's quite astute. I Am trying to k** him. My Evil Associates have cautioned against It, so here he is, unfortunately Alive THERAPIST We've heard from Scott, now let's Hear from you DR. EVIL The details of my life are quite Inconsequential THERAPIST That's not true, Doctor. Please Tell us about your childhood GROUP Yes, of course. Go ahead, etc DR. EVIL Very well, where should I begin? My Father was a relentlessly self- Improving boulangerie owner from Belgium with low-grade narcolepsy And a penchant for buggery. My mother Was a fifteen-year-old French Prostitute named Chloe with webbed Feet. My father would womanize, he Would drink, he would make outrageous Claims, like he invented the question Mark. Sometimes he would accuse Chestnuts of being lazy. A sort of General malaise that only the genius Possess and the insane lament. My Childhood was typical Summers in Rangoon, luge lessons. In the spring we'd make Meat helmets. If I was insolent, I was placed in a burlap Bag and beaten with reeds. Pretty standard, really. At the Age of twelve I received my first scribe. At the Age of fifteen, a Zoroastrian named Vilma ritualistically Shaved my testicles. There really is nothing like a shawn Scrotum. At the age of eighteen, I went off to evil medical School. From there... ANGLE ON THE THERAPIST AND THE GROUP. They are stunned PSYCHEDELC SCENE BREAK MUSIC: Psychedelic Wa-wa Pedal Funky Drummer Beat TITLE GRAPHIC: Sock It To Me Austin and the go-go girl dance Crazily EXT. VIRTUCON HIGH RISE - NEXT MORNING INT. HALLWAY - VIRTUCON A TOUR is in progress. Austin, Vanessa, and other TOURISTS Ride on an electric tram AUSTIN Since I've been unfrozen, I've had a Rancid taste in my mouth. Do you Have a piece of gum? VANESSA (in her own world) Do you think she's prettier than I? AUSTIN Who? VANESSA You know who AUSTIN No! Don't lay your hang-ups on me Vanessa. You're being very trippy VANESSA I'm looking at you, and the whole Time I can't help thinking you had Your willie inside her hootchie-kooch AUSTTIN Well put. Listen love, we can't Keep having this fight. I'm an International Man of Mystery Sometimes in the course of my work To save the world I have to shag Some crumpet. It's all part of the Job TOUR GUIDE Welcome to Virtucon, the company of The future (pointing to large Display window) Virtucon is a leading manufacturer Of many items you'll find right in Your own home. We make steel Volatile chemicals, petroleum-based Products, and we also own the Franklin Mint, which makes decorative hand- Painted theme plates for collectors (holds up plate) Some plates, like the Gone With The Wind series, have gone up in value As much as two-hundred and forty Percent, but, as with any investment There is some risk involved The people on the tour APPLAUD TOUR GUIDE Coming up on the left, we have the Virtucon gift shop, offering a wide Range of Virtucon licensed products On the right, you'll notice a door That leads to a restricted area Only authorized personnel are allowed Beyond that point INT. VIRTUCON GIFT SHOP AREA All the tourists head for the gift shop. Austin notices a SEVEN-FOOT-TALL SCIENTIST leaving the "RESTRICTED AREA" with A FOUR-HUNDRED-POUND FEMALE SCIENTIST. They both wear Virtucon coveralls AUSTIN I'll take him, you take her The seven-foot-tall male scientist goes to the men's room; The four-hundred-pound woman goes to the ladies room. Austin And Vanessa follow We hear from inside either washroom the sound of PEOPLE BEING KNOCKED OUT Austin and Vanessa exit wearing the scientists' coveralls Over their clothes. Magically, the coveralls fit perfectly They go through the doors into the restricted area INT. HALLWAY - RESTRICTED AREA They approach the security GUARD VANESSA Austin, we don't look anything like Our photo badges AUSTIN Don't worry, baby. I picked up a Mind control technique during my Travels to India. I learned it from My guru, the late Guru Shastri, a Chaste man who mysteriously died of A disease that had all the hallmarks Of syphilis Just watch me. Watch me, now They reach the guard GUARD Hi, folks. You're entering a Restricted zone. Can I see your Security badges? AUSTIN Sure They deliver their security badges to the guard. The two people look nothing like Austin and Vanessa GUARD There seems to be some kind of problem ANGLE ON AUSTIN, WHO's REMOVED HIS GLASSES. WE PUSH IN SLOWLY AS AUSTIN CONCENTRATES RAISING ONE EYEBROW AND THEN THE Other, back and forth MUSIC: Mystical Indian sitar AUSTIN (hypnotist-like) Everything seems to be in order GUARD (trance-like, in Austin's English Accent) Everything seems to be in order VANESSA That's fantastic. Let's go! Austin again does his mind control trick AUSTIN (mind-controlling) I'm going to go across the street And get you some orange sherbert GUARD I'm going to go across the street And get you some orange sherbert VANESSA (irritated) Austin, we have to go! Austin again does his mind control trick AUSTIN Here, have a piece of gum GUARD (in trace) Here, have a piece of gum He hands Austin a piece of gum AUSTIN Don't mind if I do Austin and Vanessa walk away. They come to a door marked "PROJECT VULCAN - TOP SECRET." They walk through INT. PROJECT VULCAN RESEARCH ROOM Inside, SCIENTISTS wearing head-to-toe radiation suits Surround and inspect a huge diamond-encrusted drill bit SCIENTIST This is the strongest, sharpest drill Bit ever produced by man. It weighs Fifteen metric tones and can bore Through a mile-thick bedrock of solid Granite in seven seconds INT. VIRTUCON GIFT SHOP AREA - TOUR TRAM A SECURITY GUARD and the tour guide take a head count. They Notice Austin and Vanessa's empty seats on the tram. The Guard speaks into his walkie-talkie INT. PROJECT VULCAN RESEARCH ROOM SFX: ALARM GOES OFF ANNOUNCER (on PA) Attention, there are intruders in The complex All the radiation suited scientists turn to look at Austin and Vanessa SCIENTIST Get them! The scientist approach. Austin knocks two of them out cold with judo chops AUSTIN Judo chop! Judo chop! Vanessa knocks two of them out using roundhouse kicks SECURITY GUARDS flood into the room from the hallway. Austin And Vanessa take off through another side door which reads "VIRTUCON STEAMROLLER TESTING FACILITY." INT. STEAMROLLER TESTING FACILITY It is a room the size of a large gymnasium overseen by a Large observation booth. Six STEAMROLLER go around a test Track very slowly Austin and Vanessa hide behind one of the slowly moving Steamrollers. Security guards enter the facility and begin Fanning out in a search AUSTIN Our only way out of here is to drive Out! They climb up the back of a steamroller, KNOCK OUT the DRIVER Push him off, and a**ume the controls P.A. (O.S.) There they are! Two SECURITY GUYS jump on either side of the steamroller Vanessa wrestles the machine gun off on and pushes him away Austin punches the other one off AUSTIN Hang on! I'm going to floor it! He engages a lever. It goes only slightly faster TWO SECURITY GUARDS jump in front of the steamroller. They Are acting like they're frozen, ad if in the headlights of a Fast-approaching car GUARD Noooooooooooooo! AUSTIN Where did you learn to shoot? VANESSA Where did you learn to drive? ANGLE ON THE GUARDS. ONE OF THE GUYS JUMPS OUT OF THE WAY AS IF "IN THE NICK OF TIME." THE Steamroller is now 8 yards away. The other army guy is still Frozen in the path of the oncoming steamroller GUARD Noooooooooooooo! VANESSA Austin, watch out! AUSTIN (looking around) Where? Where? ANGLE ON THE GUARD. HE'S BATHED IN THE HEADLIGHTS OF THE STEAMROLLER, WHICH IS STILL 3 YARDS Away GUARD Noooooooooooooo! ANGLE ON AUSTIN AND VANESSA. AUSTIN IS FRANTICALLY JERKING THE STEERING WHEEL AND TRYING TO Downshift. SFX: Metal grinds. The shifter breaks off along With a gaggle of wares. He desperately jams on the breaks ANGLE ON THE GUARD. HE IS FINALLY RUN OVER BY THE STEAMROLLER... INT. KITCHEN - SUBURBAN HOUSE - LOS ANGELES ... and then we see a rolling pin over some pie dough.A pleasant-looking LADY is doing this, and we hear a PHONE RINGING. She answers. HOUSEWIFE Hello? EXT HOUSE It is a pleasant, Marcus Welby-like ranch-style house. A kid arrives with his bike, and enters. HOUSEWIFE (VO) (pause) Yes, this is Mrs. Harwin. (pause) INT Kitchen MRS. HARWIN Yes, my husband is a henchman In Dr. Evil's Private Army. Cut to a framed picture of the just-crushed henchman in his uniform. MRS. HARWIN (pause) What? (pause) Oh my God. Thank you for calling She HANGS UP. The kid enters, opens the fridge. FOURTEEN-YEAR-OLD Hi Mom! MRS. HARWIN Sit down, Billy, I have some bad news. Your stepfather was run over by a steamroller BILLY But mom, since Dad left, Steve's been like a father to me! He hugs her, crying. MRS. HARWIN People never think how things affect the family of the henchman. INT. HALLWAY Austin and Vanessa run out the door. They run out into the hallway. VANESSA Thank God, Austin, we made it. AUSTIN Allright. Stay very cool, baby. From behind, Random Task bumps their heads together, they fall unconscious. EXT. VEGAS - HIGHWAY We see a Virtucon electric minivan humning along INT. BACK OF ELECTRIC MINIVAN Austin and Vanessa are unconscious EXT. HIGHWAY The electric minivan turns onto a dirt road that leads to a Boulder EXT. DESERT - BOULDER The boulder lifts up and the minivan drives into it INT. UNDERGROUND TUNNEL The minivan enters a long cylindrical tunnel INT. FREIGHT ELEVATOR The minivan is being lowered on a high-speed elevator INT. DR. EVIL'S MAIN CHAMBER VIRTUCON ARMY MEMBERS keep watch. SCIENTISTS check Clipboards DR. EVIL Frau Farbissina, check on our guests The electric minivan pulls up right next to the immense table All the evil a**ociates are present. Dr. Evil squeezes a Tennis ball repeatedly. Frau Farbissina opens the rear hatch Of the minivan and pulls out Austin and Vanessa DR. EVIL Welcome to my underground lair, Mr Powers. Mrs. Kensington's daughter How lovely. I believe your name is Vanessa? I'd shake your hands, except For obvious reasons VANESSA I don't understand DR. EVIL My hand, dammit! Look at it! AUSTIN What's wrong with your hand? DR. EVIL Don't try to s** up to me! It's a Little late for that. I'm a freak! Look at it, it's been rendered useless He moves his arm around to show them, but it's virtually Normal, just slightly aged AUSTIN I'm sorry, baby, I'm just not grocking Your head space DR. EVIL Oh forget it. As a fellow player on The international stage, Mr. Powers I'm sure you'll enjoy watching the Curtain fall on the third and final Act A large telescreen comes on, showing the United Nations Secret Meeting Room DR. EVIL Gentlemen, I give you the Vulcan He presses a bu*ton on his chair panel. A giant canvas falls Unveiling an ultra-high tech diamond-bladed subterranean Bore&emdash; the VULCAN. It is rather phallic AUSTIN (under his breath to Vanessa) Does that make you horny? VANESSA (under her breath) Not now, Austin DR. EVIL The world's most powerful subterranean Drill INT. UNITED NATIONS SECRET MEETING ROOM ON SCREEN: Stock footage of volcanoes erupting and animated Charts of magma squirting through the Earth's layers DR. EVIL (voice over) So powerful it can penetrate the Earth's crust, delivering a 50 kiloton Nuclear warhead into the planet's Hot liquid core. Upon detonation Every volcano on the planet will Erupt The various representatives are ABUZZ. Behind the British Delegation sits Basil Exposition. To his right, sits Mrs Exposition with a hideous BLACK EYE AMERICAN UN REPRESENTATIVE Why should we pay him the money? He's only got one warhead and he's Going to detonate it deep underground BASIL EXPOSITION (the light shifts Towards dramatic as He speaks) My God, man, don't you understand? It won't just be active volcanoes Inactive ones will erupt as well Seven-eighths of the Earth's land Ma** will be deluged with hot magma Tectonic plates will shift, causing Ma**ive earthquakes. Imagine no United Kingdom. Think of it, no Cricket, no tea, no freshly toasted Crumpets smothered with Devonshire Clotted cream, the diving mystery of Stonehenge. Imagine severing forever The continuity of Britannic majesty The demise of this sceptered isle This j**el, this England... BRITISH UN REPRESENTATIVE Any word from Powers? BASIL EXPOSITION (back to normal) I'm afraid we've lost contact with Him BRITISH UN REPRESENTATIVE I see UNITED NATIONS SECRETARY Dr. Evil, it seems we have no choice But to pay your ransom INT. DR. EVIL'S MAIN CHAMBER DR. EVIL Gentlemen, your deadline is in three Hours. You have your instructions Good-bye The screen goes BLACK DR. EVIL Come join us for dinner, won't you Mr. Powers? INT. DR. EVIL'S PRIVATE QUARTERS Austin and Vanessa are seated at a table with Frau. WAITERS Serve food MUSIC: Sexy Matt Helm-type theme DR. EVIL I think you'll enjoy the food. I Have the best chef in the world His name is Ezekial. He's made of Seventy-five percent plastic Scott enters DR. EVIL Scott my boy, come here. How was Your day? SCOTT EVIL Well, me and a buddy went to the Video arcade in town and, like, they Don't speak English right, and so my Buddy gets into a fight, and he goes 'hey, quit ha**ling me cause I don't Speak French or whatever', and the Other guy goes something in Paris Talk, and I go 'um, just back off' And he goes 'get out' and I go 'make Me' DR. EVIL (trying to hide Contempt) Fascinating. What are your plans For this evening? SCOTT EVIL Thought I'd stay in. There's a good Tittie movie on Skinemax DR. EVIL And that's how you want to live your Life, is it? SCOTT EVIL Yeah. What? ANGLE ON A PANEL OF bu*tONS THAT HAS EVERYONE'S NAMES ON IT DR. EVIL'S HAND HOVERS OVER THE bu*ton labeled "SCOTT." Frau Farbissina slaps his hand away DR. EVIL Scott, I want you to meet Daddy's Nemesis, Austin Powers SCOTT EVIL Why are you feeding him? Why don't You just k** him? DR. EVIL In due time SCOTT EVIL But what if he escapes? Why don't You just shoot him? What are you Waiting for? DR. EVIL I have a better idea. I'm going to Put him in an easily-escapable Situation involving an overly- Elaborate and exotic d**h SCOTT EVIL Why don't you just shoot him now? Here, I'll get a gun. We'll just Shoot him. Bang! Dead. Done DR. EVIL One more peep out of you and you're Grounded. Let's begin A PRIVATE ARMY SOLDIER grabs Austin and Vanessa. Dr. Evil Hits a bu*ton. One whole wall slides out to reveal a tank DR. EVIL Mr. Powers, Vanessa, some friends of Mine are joining us for dinner They're quite delighted you'll be part of the meal The soldier takes Austin and Vanessa to the tank and puts Them in the dipping mechanism AUSTIN Dr. Evil, do you really expect them To pay? DR. EVIL No, Mr. Powers, I expect them to Die. Even after they pay me the Money, I'm still going to melt all The cities of the world with hot Magma DR. EVIL Release the sharks!Mr. Powers, all the sharks have had laser beams attached to their heads. I figure every creature deserves a warm meal. NUMBER TWO (clearing his throat nervously) Dr. Evil? DR. EVIL Yes, what is it? You're interrupting my moment of triumph NUMBER TWO It's about the sharks. Since you were frozen, they've been placed on the Endangered Species List. We tried to get some, but it will take months to clear up the red tape DR. EVIL (disappointed) You know, I have one simple request... and that is to have sharks... with fricking laser beams attached to their heads! Evidently, my cycloptic colleague informs me... that that can't be done. Can you remind me what I pay you people for? Honestly, throw me a bone here. What do we have? NUMBER TWO Sea ba** DR. EVIL Right NUMBER TWO They're mutated sea ba** DR. EVIL Really? Are they ill-tempered? NUMBER TWO Absolutely. DR. EVIL That's a start. (to guard) All right, guard, begin the Unnecessarily Slow-Moving Dipping Mechanism. The guard do so. Austin and Vanessa begin to descend slowly Towards the surface of the water DR. EVIL Close the tank! SCOTT EVIL Aren't you going to watch them? They'll get away! DR. EVIL No, we'll leave them alone and not actually witness them dying, and we'll just a**ume it all went to plan. SCOTT EVIL I have a gun in my room. Give me five seconds, I'll come back and blow their brains out. DR. EVIL No Scott. You just don't get it, do you? You don't. It's no ha**le. -Knock knock. -Who's there? Let me tell you a little story about a man named shh!" Even before you start, that was a preemptive shh!" Just know I have a whole bag of shh" with your name on it. Dr. Evil presses a bu*ton; the wall closes back over the Tank INT. TANK AREA Austin and Vanessa slowly descend towards the water. They Can see the WATER BUBBLING beneath them, and a sea ba** jumps by them. VANESSA What's your plan? AUSTIN First, I plan to soil myself... then I'm going to regroup and come up with a new plan. Any thoughts? VANESSA Wait a minute. I always have this with me, just in case. She pulls out a container of dental floss. AUSTIN All right, I get it. I have bad teeth. VANESSA No, Austin. The floss is to swing ourselves onto the ledge. AUSTIN All right. Hold on. Austin takes the container and throws it to an upward pipe. It wraps around like a grappling hook. AUSTIN All right, toothpaste! Vanessa places a tube of toothpaste in his hand. Meanwhile The guard is reaching to undo the floss. Austin places the Open tube on his palm, aimed at the guard. Vanessa WHISTLES At the guard loudly. He turns around AUSTIN Judo chop! Austin JUDO CHOPS the toothpaste tube, sending a stream of Toothpaste into the guard's eyes GUARD (screaming, rubbing His eyes) My eyes! My eyes! Austin folds the tube across the top of the wire, grabbing Both ends AUSTIN Hold on, Vanessa! She grabs onto him and they slide down the floss to safety Right as the dipping mechanism goes under the water Meanwhile, the guard waits for them with toothpaste smeared All over his face He and Austin STRUGGLE The guard manages to get Austin pinned to the ground, Austin's Head dangling over the water. SEA BASS circle. The water boils, dangerously close to Austin's Head VANESSA (shouting) Austin, watch out! Austin FLIPS the guard over. The SEA BASS chew the guard's Head off like a blender AUSTIN Not a good time to lose one's head. VANESSA Indeed AUSTIN That's not the way to get ahead in life. VANESSA No AUSTIN It's a shame he wasn't more headstrong. He'll never be the head of a major corporation. VANESSA OK, that will do. AUSTIN OK. They head out a door. ANGLE ON THE HEADLESS TORSO. The name tag reads "JOHN SMITH." EXT. HOOTERS RESTAURANT - DAY It is a sports bar-type restaurant that has scantily clad BUSTY WAITRESSES INT. HOOTERS RESTAURANT At a table we see fifteen or so TWENTY-SOMETHING GUYS Scouting chicks, drinking mugs of beer GUY 1 I can't believe John Smith is getting married tomorrow! GUY 2 Where is Smittie anyways? It's not like him to be late for anything.Especially his own stag party. GUY 3 Well, you know he's a henchman for Dr. Evil. Sometimes they work late. Can I just say something that may sound a little sappy? I think it's such a testament to our friend John that so many of his buddies showed up to honor him. There's a lot of love in this room. They cheer and clink their gla**es. A large-breasted WAITRESS approaches. WAITRESS Hi, I have a phone call here for the John Smith party. GUY 1 I'll get it. Guy 1 is at the phone. GUY 1 He's dead? (pause) Decapitated by an ill-tempered mutated sea ba**? (pause, as he gets sadder) Yes. OK. He hangs up and walks back to the table. GUY 2 What's wrong? Was that John? Is he coming late? GUY 1 John Smith is not coming GUY 2 Why not? GUY 1 He was decapitated by an ill-tempered mutated sea ba**. GUYS (upset) Oh no, oh my God, etc GUY 1 All right, to Smittie! Everyone raises their gla**es GUYS To Smittie! INT. PSYCHEDELIC SCENE BREAK MUSIC: Psychedelic Wa-wa Pedal Funky Drummer Beat TITLE GRAPHIC: Out of Sight Austin and the go-go girl dance Crazily INT. CORRIDOR Austin and Vanessa drive a Dr. Evil golf cart down a brightly- Lit, narrow corridor to a doorway marked "Emergency Exit." VANESSA What do we do now? AUSTIN We've got a freaked out square and World annihilation is his bag. You Go get help. I'm gonna stay here And keep an eye on the bad Doctor VANESSA I'm not going anywhere. We're a Team AUSTIN Too right, youth. That's why I need You to lead the troops VANESSA I'll hurry back AUSTIN Listen, Vanessa, whatever happens, I just want you to know that I feel bad about shagging that Italian girl I had a sip of sake and all of the sudden, I don't know what happened The whole time I was shagging Her&emdash; I mean really shagging Her, I mean it was crazy, I was like A huge mechanical piston, in and Out, IN and OUT!&emdash; VANESSA (cutting him off) Austin, what's your point? AUSTIN Anyways, what I'm trying to say is that if you want me to be a one-woman Man, well, that's just groovy Because...I love you VANESSA Oh, behave! Vanessa goes out the door INT. LADDER Vanessa starts climbing up the ladder INT. CORRIDOR Austin tries to turn the cart around in the narrow corridor He begins a twenty-seven point turn INT. DR. EVIL'S PRIVATE QUARTERS Dr. Evil, Scott and the evil a**ociates finish dinner DR. EVIL Come, everyone, let us repair to the Main chamber. Project Vulcan is About to begin. Scott, are you Coming? SCOTT EVIL I don't want to DR. EVIL Don't you want to see what Daddy Does for a living? SCOTT EVIL (under his breath) Blow me DR. EVIL What did you say? SCOTT EVIL Show me They all go towards a giant door with the radiation symbol Painted on it INT. CORRIDOR Austin's still trying to turn the cart around. PULL BACK TO REVEAL&emdash; The cart is completely wedged perpendicularly In the corridor. Austin jumps out and starts Running down the hall. Austin comes to a T in the hall and Goes around the corner. He sees two GUARDS and ducks into a Door INT. FEMBOT LAIR Inside are SEVEN FEMBOTS lounging in various seductive poses On Sixties furniture&emdash; egg chairs, trapezes, round Furry bed, etc MUSIC: Sexy Matt Helm-type theme AUSTIN Hello, hello FEMBOT Hello, Mr. Powers, care to have a Little fun? AUSTIN (looking at his watch) No, actually, I have to save the world. He runs towards to door to exit. Suddenly, A PAIR OF FEMALE LEGS drop and wrap around Austin's neck and lift him up His feet leave the floor Another FEMBOT cartwheels up to Austin. Nozzles pop out of The tips of the Fembot's bra AUSTIN Is it cold in here? A cloud of multicolored gas spews from the nozzles. Austin Is overcome. The room starts to spin INT. DR. EVIL'S MAIN CHAMBER - CONTROL AREA Dr. Evil sits into his chair with his radiation suit on DR. EVIL Arm the probe! A small electric flatbed comes in carrying the nuclear Warhead. A PHALANX of Dr. Evil's soldiers run beside it The cart approaches the subterranean probe and the warhead Is loaded up into its tail INT. FEMBOT'S LAIR Austin is on the bed being held down by the Fembots Psychedelic music plays. Projected colored swirling lights Flash. The Fembots swirl around seductively AUSTIN (delirious) I've got to get Dr. Evil! (eyes closed, fingers In his ears) Margaret Thatcher naked on a cold Day! Margaret Thatcher naked on a Cold day! Margaret Thatcher naked On a cold day! INT. DR. EVIL'S MAIN CHAMBER The (very phallic) Vulcan droops to its down position DR. EVIL Probe in place TECHNICIANS in "VIRTUCON" lab coats scurry about, being Technical DR. EVIL Five minutes to go. Let the Penetration countdown begin Dr. Evil presses a bu*ton marked "PENETRATION BEGIN." Next To it is a large bu*ton that says "ABORT." ANGLE ON AN EASTERN EUROPEAN TECHNICIAN at a microphone EASTERN EUROPEAN TECHNICIAN (on PA, very slowly With very thick accent) Five minutes and COUN-ting EXT. DESERT Vanessa leads fifteen COMMANDOS on ATCs across the sand INT. FEMBOT LAIR Two Fembots guard the door and five are on the bed in come- Hither poses FEMBOTS You can't resist us, Mr. Powers! Eventually you'll give in! AUSTIN Au contraire, I think you can't resist me! MUSIC: Sexy Matt Helm-type theme Austin starts his seductive Dance. He does a quick head count of the Fembots, reaches Out of frame, pulls out eight cigarettes, put them in his Mouth and lights them with a blowtorch He throws seven cigarettes one by one. Each cigarette lands Perfectly in a different Fembot's mouth. Austin smokes the Remaining cigarette Austin begins to do a seductive striptease. The Fembots are Aroused. He takes off his shirt, revealing his hairy chest And focuses his s**ual energy on one Fembot She begins to shake violently, her head shaking back and Forth like in Jacob's Ladder Eventually her head explodes. Austin is now stripped down To his Union Jack bikini briefs and Turns to another Fembot. Her head explodes He takes off his shoes and throws them away cavalierly Then he tosses down his lit cigarette and grinds it with his Bare foot. He gives a look of disguised pain He mouths "I love you" to another Fembot. Her head explodes He does the 'I'll call you' hand signal to yet another Fembot Whose head explodes Austin does a hip-thrust to another and her head explodes Austin leans over and wags his rump to the two remaining Fembots AUSITN Oh, I fell over Their heads explode simultaneously. All the Fembots are Lying on the floor, smoking. Just then, Vanessa enters Flanked by a COUPLE OF COMMANDOS. She surveys the scene and Looks at Austin in his briefs. She's hurt. The commandos Salute Austin AUSTIN It's not what it looks like, Vanessa (to the commandos) At ease, boys VANESSA (glancing down) Likewise AUSTIN I can explain. They attacked me Gas came out of her...well, and then They...and I... VANESSA I believe you, Austin. Let's go AUSTIN Hold on a tick, let me put on my Togs INT. MAIN CHAMBER Austin and Vanessa lead FIFTEEN COMMANDOS into the chamber And GUNFIRE breaks out. Two CATWALKS run the length of the Chamber, meeting at the door to the control area The commandos split into two groups and lob grenades at the PRIVATE ARMY SOLDIERS who are guarding the stairs leading to The catwalks. They go flying INT. CONTROL AREA The ALARM goes off DR. EVIL Activate the blast shutters! Metal shutters automatically cover the windows overlooking The probe mechanism DR. EVIL Launch the subterranean probe! The giant probe engine begins to throb and whirl. The tip Of the spinning probe suddenly strikes the floor of the Chamber and burrows into the earth with atomic force. Smoke And debris explode upwards. The entire chamber quakes Violently&emdash; eight on the Richter scale EASTERN EUROPEAN TECHNICIAN We have penetration. Subterranean Detonation&emdash; two minutes and COUN-ting INT. DR. EVIL'S MAIN CHAMBER Austin, Vanessa, and three commandos are pinned down behind Several VIRTUCON BARRELS INT. CATWALK Another FOUR GUARDS block their way. Austin goes to shoot But he's out of bullets SFX: CLICKA-CLICKA Austin and Vanessa run along the Catwalk towards the control room They're directly in the path of TEN CHARGING PRIVATE ARMY SOLDIERS AUSTIN Follow me! We're going to have to Jump over the rail! VANESSA Are you crazy? AUSTIN Don't worry! ANGLE ON SIDE SHOT OF CATWALK They continue to run towards the guards behind some STACKED BARRELS. Two OBVIOUS STUNT DOUBLES run out from behind the Barrels in a continuous motion instead of Austin and Vanessa And diver over the rail ANGLE ON THE OTHER TEAM OF COMMANDOS They are making progress on the other catwalk ANGLE ON AUSTIN AND VANESSA They have landed safely, but are surrounded by FIVE PRIVATE ARMY SOLDIERS, armed to the teeth&emdash; One has a bazooka, one has a flamethrower, one has a Gatling Gun, etc. They see Austin and throw down their weapons Pulling out KNIVES One of the private soldiers runs at Austin and he stabs him Another soldier runs at Austin, and Austin also stabs him A third private army soldier runs at Austin. Austin does The stabbing motion SFX: CLICKA-CLICKA AUSTIN Blast! Out of ammo Vanessa unleashes a series of kicks, knocking them all out INT. CONTROL ROOM Austin begins to enter VANESSA Austin, I'm coming with you AUSTIN I'm going it alone this time, Vanessa I have a follow-up visit with the Evil Doctor VANESSA I'll secure the perimeter INT. CONTROL AREA Austin enters the control area. A VIRTUCON ARMY MAN fires At him. Austin returns fires, shooting up some electrical Equipment. Live wires dangle dangerously. Austin sees Mr Bigglesworth running out a read door DR. EVIL (O.S.) Come, Mr. Bigglesworth! Austin heads for the door until he smacks into AN INVISIBLE FORCE FIELD. He turns and sees a bank of old-fashioned Computers labeled "DESTRUCTACON 5000" DESTRUCTACON (V.O.) Good afternoon, Mr. Powers, I'm the Destructacon 5000. I'm programmed To prevent you from progressing beyond This point. You might as well Surrender. Resistance is futile Your odds of survival are 23,763,273 To AUSTIN Well, Destructacon 5000, you have Quite a head on your shoulders, I Dare to coin DESTRUCTACON (V.O.) Yes, I am programmed to answer any Question AUSTIN Really? Let me ask you this. What Is love? DESTRUCTACON (V.O.) That does not compute AUSTIN Why not? It's a question DESTRUCTACON (V.O.) Love is...love is...love is... The computers begin to smoke. Alarm bells ring DESTRUCTACON (V.O.) Remjack! Remjack! (singing) Daisy, Daisy... (faster) Remjackremjackremjack! There is a muffled explosion. The computer goes dark. Austin Pa**es through the force field and heads for the door until He hears&emdash; EASTERN EUROPEAN MAN (on PA) Subterranean detonation&emdash; one minute and COUN-ting He begins looking furiously for the abort bu*ton AUSTIN (to Eastern European Man) Where's the abort bu*ton? The Eastern European Man holds up his finger as if to say 'give me one second.' EASTERN EUROPEAN MEAN (on PA) Forty-five seconds and COUN-ting (to Austin) It's right over there Austin sees the abort bu*ton. It is across the room. Austin makes his way across the room to the bu*ton EASTERN EUROPEAN MAN (on PA) Fifteen seconds and COUN-ting Random task blocks Austin's way to the bu*ton. He stands There, menacing, missing one shoe EASTERN EUROPEAN MAN Three...two...one... A 50 kiloton explosion from deep in the earth rocks the Control area EXT. STOCK FOOTAGE MONTAGE - VOLCANOS ERUPTING Different volcanoes around the world. Lava spews and flows INT. CONTROL AREA Austin dives in SLOW MOTION towards the abort bu*ton. He Flies through the air for an inordinate length of time AUSTIN (slow motion distortion) Nooooooo! His hand lands on the bu*ton EASTERN EUROPEAN MAN (on PA) Abort EXT. STOCK FOOTAGE MONTAGE - REVERSE VOLCANO ERUPTIONS Lava, smoke and debris s**s back into volcanoes around the World. (Eruption footage run in reverse.) INT. CONTROL ROOM Having saved the world, Austin picks up a MACHIEN GUN from a Fallen Private Army guy and runs to the door at the back Chasing Dr. Evil INT. CORRIDOR Austin chases after Dr. Evil INT. DR. EVIL'S PRIVATE QUARTERS Austin bursts in, catching Dr. Evil packing a suitcase AUSTIN I've got you, Dr. Evil! DR. EVIL Well done, Mr. Powers. We're not so Different, you and I. However, isn't It ironic, Mr. Powers, that the very Things you stand for&emdash; Free love, swinging, parties are all now, in the Nineties, considered to be...evil? AUSTIN No, man, what we swingers were Rebelling against were uptight squares Like you, whose bag was money and World domination. We were innocent Man. If we'd known the consequences Of our s**ual liberation, we would Have done things differently, but The spirit would have remained the Same. It's freedom, baby, yeah! DR. EVIL Face it, freedom failed AUSTIN No, man, freedom didn't fail. Right now, we've got freedom and responsibility. It's a very groovy time DR. EVIL There's nothing more pathetic Than an aging hipster AUSTIN All right, baldy.Shut your cakehole. Come on. Let's go Alotta enters. She holds a gun to Vanessa's head ALOTTA Not so fast DR. EVIL Well, it seems the tables have turned Mr. Powers Alotta keeps pushing Vanessa into the room VANESSA Go ahead, Austin. Don't worry about me Just then, Scott Evil enters SCOTT EVIL I can take my Sega, right, Dad? Austin grabs Scott and puts the gun to his head AUSTIN It seems the tables have turned again Dr. Evil DR. EVIL Not really. k** the little ba*tard See what I care SCOTT EVIL Dad, we just made a breakthrough in Group! DR. EVIL I had the group liquidated, you little sh**. They were insolent SCOTT EVIL I hate you! I hate you! I wish I Was never artificially created in a Lab Scott breaks from Austin's grip and runs away DR. EVIL Scott, that hurts Daddy when you say that, honestly Number Two enters with two briefcases, one of them with a Fembot inside DR. EVIL Number Two. Your timing is impeccable. Go ahead. Take Mr. Powers away Number two drops one case, points his revolver at Dr. Evil NUMBER TWO No DR. EVIL What? NUMBER TWO Dr. Evil, I've spent turning this two-bit evil empire... into a world-cla** multinational. I was going to have a cover story in Forbes. But, you, like an idiot, wanted to take over the world... And you don't realize there is no world anymore. It's only corporations DR. EVIL Silence, Number Two! NUMBER TWO No. I've had enough of you pushing me around Number Two takes a chair NUMBER TWO Mr. Powers I have a business proposition you might find very interesting As Austin is approaching... DR. EVIL All right. I've had enough Dr. Evil presses the trapdoor chair bu*ton, Number Two falls into the fiery pit Vanessa gives Alotta a judo chop VANESSA Judo chop! Meanwhile, Dr. Evil runs towards a bu*ton in the wall A timer reading 0:30 is seen EASTERN EUROPEAN MAN (O.S.) (on PA) The complex will self-destruct Dr. Evil runs to the egg shaped rocket. Austin SHOOTS and misses. The rocket closes (the words CRYOGENIC FREEZING BEGINNING are seen in the doors) and begins to lift up through A HOLE IN THE CEILING AUSTIN Let's split! Let's go! This place is going to blow! Austin and Vanessa run out the door EXT. FOOTAGE The Big Boy rocket lifts off again INT. CORRIDOR Chaos as explosions go and everyone tries to run away EASTERN EUROPEAN MAN (O.S.) (on PA) The complex will self-destruct Along the way Austin and Vanessa are met by someone.... GUARD I brought you your orange sherbert Austin smiles as he takes the sherbert pot, and Vanessa drags him away INT. MAIN CORRIDOR They jump over the wedged-in cart, to the escape ladder AUSTIN Come on, let's go! They begin to climb INT. MAIN CHAMBER Explosions, debris, the cavern begins to collapse EXT. DESERT VANESSA This way, Austin AUSTIN Come on, baby! It's gonna blow! Let's go. Move it! Austin and Vanessa run towards the Shaguar, some mooks running after them. Austin jumps doing cartwheels into the car... landing in a way his crotch hits the shift stick. Close-up as he groans in pain - and again, when he changes the transmission to first gear. The Shaguar drives away INT. MAIN CHAMBER The timer gets to zero STOCK FOOTAGE - DESERT FLOOR - MERCURY TEST SIGHT Ground caving in from an underground nuclear explosion CUT TO BLACK. TEXT READS "Three Months Later" EXT. HOTEL Austin is heard offscreen as a hotel at night is shown INT. HOTEL ROOM A messy bedroom. Austin and Vanessa are eventually seen cuddling in bed VANESSA I love you, Mr. Powers AUSTIN And I love you, Mrs. Powers His now clean teeth shine. Austin's communicator is heard AUSTIN That'll be Basil Exposition VANESSA Ignore it, Austin. Come back to bed AUSTIN Duty calls, baby Austin grabs the Casio scheduler, brings it to a desk in front of the bed, and opens it - the thing conveniently covering Austin's privates. Basil's face is seen on the screen BASIL EXPOSITION Hello Austin. [cringes] I hope I'm not interrupting your honeymoon Vanessa is stretching in the background. She lies down again AUSTIN No, not at all, Basil BASIL EXPOSITION Did you get that fruit basket I sent you? Vanessa rises, holding two pineapples in front of her breasts VANESSA Yes, we did, Basil, but you sent too much. I'm gonna have to send some to my mother Austin grabs something in front of him... AUSTIN Oh, Don't forget these Austin hands two melons, which cover Vanessa's... you know BASIL EXPOSITION Did you get my other gift? Vanessa rises, a rack of spice shakers in front of her chest VANESSA We did AUSTIN Yes, Basil, nice rack Austin grabs something in the table... a painting of two naked breasts AUSTIN But who in the world gave us this drawing? It's bizarre He lifts the painting in front of Vanessa. She puts it in front of her b**bs, and stares BASIL EXPOSITION As you know, Dr. Evil has escaped in his rocket... which has disappeared from our tracking system Vanessa, gift box in her chest, sits besides Austin AUSTIN Hold on. Coffee? VANESSA Yes, please Austin runs away, covering his junk with the box BASIL EXPOSITION And, Vanessa, by the way, you have been made a full agent VANESSA That's fantastic, Basil! Thanks! AUSTIN (O.S.) Milk? VANESSA Yes, please Austin, the coffee pot in front of his junk, turns the milk jugs in front of Vanessa's... you know, into the coffee cups BASIL EXPOSITION And, Austin, Her Majesty the Queen informs me... that you are to be knighted AUSTIN Very shagadelic! Austin sits in the bed besides Vanessa BASIL EXPOSITION The best of luck to both of you! AUSTIN Thanks, Basil! BASIL EXPOSITION (waving) Goodbye! Screen turns off. Vanessa puts a balloon in her mouth AUSTIN You know, Vanessa... I'll never forget the first time I saw you With ellipsis, Vanessa blows the balloon, which grows increasingly phallic in front of Austin's crotch AUSTIN You were so incredibly beautiful... so incredibly s**y... I knew I had to have you... right then and there.Did you feel the same way? She takes the balloon off her mouth VANESSA Actually, I couldn't stop staring at your teeth AUSTIN Oh Vanessa releases the balloon, which deflates Knocking on door AUSTIN I ordered some champagne. Come in! The waiter enters, we only see his feet as he pushes the cart. VANESSA (o.s.) Lovely, Austin AUSTIN (o.s.) Right over there's fine. Thank you Austin and Vanessa are now in bathrobes VANESSA Let's go out on the terrace. It's a beautiful night. We can look at the stars. They kiss. The plate on the cart is opened... it's a shoe. AUSTIN (o.s.) Smashing idea, baby. Look at you Eventually it closes on Random Task's face. He cricks his neck, Austin and Vanessa look. She gasps and runs. VANESSA Look out! Random Task THROWS HIS SHOE ANGLE ON SHOE SPINNING IN THE AIR The shoe HITS AUSTIN IN THE HEAD. Austin pauses. The shoe has not k**ed him. It has just hurt him AUSTIN Ow! That really hurt. I'm going to Have a lump there, you idiot! Who Throws a shoe? You fight like a Woman Random Task starts approaching. Austin does a Karate Kid crane stance, and goes for him. It stops as he grabs his throat and starts strangling Austin, pushing him towards the wall. Vanessa approaches with the 'Swedish-Made, Penis-Enlarger Pump'. VANESSA Austin! She hands him the Pump. AUSTIN (choking) Honestly, it's not mine! VANESSA No, [pointing downwards] use it Austin attaches the pump to Random Task's crotch, he groans. Austin pumps , making Random Task uncomfortable and eventually scream. Vanessa hits his over the head with a champagne bottle, and Random Task falls to the ground, smile on his face Austin pushes Random Task down the hallway on the food cart he came in with (The pump still attached), with a large crash. A scream is heard. Austin slams the door behind him AUSTIN Smashing Vanessa goes to the balcony, Austin follows. Both holding champagne gla**es AUSTIN Look how beautiful the night sky is VANESSA Isn't that the Big Dipper? AUSTIN Yeah, and that looks just like Uran*s. [laughs] VANESSA Austin... VANESSA I've never seen that big star before AUSTIN Yeah, what is that? He stretches out a pocket telescope TELESCOPE POV A shiny thing is moving in the night sky. AUSTIN (V.O.) Good God! Star Wars-like cut to &emdash; EXT. SPACE We see THE BIG BOY ROCKET in orbit around the Earth INT. DR EVIL'S CAPSULE Dr. Evil is covered in ice DR. EVIL I'm gonna get you, Austin Powers! It's fricking freezing in here, Mr. Bigglesworth! Mr. Bigglesworth, equally frozen, meows. END CREDITS ROLL, and show first Austin photographing Vanessa and then playing "BBC" with Ming Tea.