You will need to arrive at a quarter to five If your plane is departing at ten When you called for a seat, we advised you to meet At the gate and we'd let you know then. The seats are so teeny you'll sit like Houdini Be quiet and listen to this If we should fall in a fiery ball Kiss your own a** good-bye, then your kids. On the plane, on the plane You will do exactly as we say You'll remain in your seat With your bags at your feet Till the speech is complete on the plane. If we sit on the runway from now until Monday Well, all we can say is "too bad" Up front there's free liquor and they get there quicker So those folks are not quite as mad. You've paid your dinero, this movie's just fair Oh, but here comes the part that's so good Then the pilot will cut in; "We can't see Cleveland But if it weren't cloudy, we could." On the plane all is well Just think of it as practicing for hell I'm in five, you're in four You lean back anymore you'll be shoved out the door of the plane. We are not responsible for... anything And everything can go wrong We really don't know where we'll go or when And you may never see your bags again Such a shame, on the plane. Your carry on stuff has to fit in this box If it doesn't and you make us wait You'll be pulled from the line with a hook from behind And then beaten and shot at the gate. The air that you're breathing's been re-circulating Since Orville and Wilbur were boys If you should choke, here's a thimble of coke You do realize that coughing annoys? On the plane, on the plane People are we perfectly insane The skies are not so friendly Delta isn't ready I prefer the bus USAIR begins with US It's truly torturous On the plane... on the plane.