Vlogbrothers - 31 Jokes for NERDS! lyrics

Part 1: Intro (0:00 to 0:11) Good morning, John. I think by now you know, and the people who are watching this know, that I like funny stuff, and I like nerdy stuff. And so today, I'm going to do a video about funny, nerdy stuff. THIS is 31 jokes for nerds. Part 2: Jokes (0:12 to 3:15) 1. This is hilarious, and also true: if a pizza has a radius 'z' and a depth 'a' that pizza's volume can be defined Pi*z*z*a. 2. Knock knock. Who's there? To. To who? No, no, no. To whom. 3. As my chemistry teacher always said, if you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate. 4. Argon walks into a bar. The bartender says, "We don't serve noble ga**es here!" Argon doesn't react. 5. The past, the present, and the future all walk into a bar at the same time. It was tense. 6. How many computer programmers does it take to screw in a light bulb? Whoa, no, that's a hardware problem. 7. I'll be honest, particle accelerators totally give me a hadron. 8. Oh yeah? Well electronegativity totally gives me a permanent dipole. 9. Humanities Major: "Hi, nice to meet you! What do you do for a living?" CompSci Major: "I work with Unix." Humanities Major: "Oh my god! That's, that's horrible. We have to organize some kind of rally to help those poor men!" And now it is the time for some nerdy pick up lines. 10. Hey baby, if I were a particle and you were a quantum potential, would you let me penetrate your cla**ically forbidden regions? 11. Baby, I wish I was your derivative so I could lie tangent to your curves. 12. Having been a chemistry major, I can a**ure you that this is the only one that actually works. Um. Hey, does this smell like chloroform? Yeah, that might've gone too far. 13. Hey baby, why don't we go back to my place and I can show you the exponential growth of my natural log? Nerdy pick up lines end here. 14. Man walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "Give me ten times the number of drinks everybody in here is drinking." And the bartender says, "Now that, my friend, is an order of magnitude." 15. How many ears does Spock have? Three: a left ear, a right ear, and a final frontier. 16. What do I have in common with neutrinos? Uh, we're both constantly penetrating your mom. 17. Even though, you know, your mom's so fat, that her Patronus is a cake. 18. And she's so ugly not even fluorine would bond with her. 19. Now you might think that the gla** is half full, and you might think that the gla** is half empty, but engineers know that the gla** is actually two times larger than it needs to be. 20. Politicians, on the other hand, have a**ured me that the gla** would be more empty if the opposition were in charge, 21. while surrealists think that the gla** is half of a slowly rotting lemon. 22. And physicists, well they happen to know that you can never know how much water is in the gla** because just by measuring it you've changed the outcome. 23. How many Freudians does it take to change a light bulb? Two, one to screw in the light bulb and the other to hold the peni- the ladder, THE LADDER! 24. René Descartes was drinking some beer in a bar, and the bartender asked him, “Would you like another?” and René Descartes said, “I think not.” Wait no! Wait, ohhh noo… 25. The majority of people have an above average number of legs. Think about it! It's true. 26. How did the constipated mathematician solve his problem? He, uh, he just worked it out with a pencil. 27. A Higgs-Boson particle goes into a church and the preacher says, “Higgs-Boson's aren't allowed in here. You call yourself the God particle; that's sacrilegious! The Higgs-Boson particle says, “If you don't allow Higgs-Boson particles, how do you have ma**?” 28. There are two types of people in the world: those who can extrapolate from incomplete data… 29. What do the Force and duct tape have in common? Well, there's a dark side and a light side, and they both hold the universe together. 30. Heisenberg and Schrödinger are driving in a car and they get pulled over. The police officer asks, “Do you know how fast you were going?” Heisenberg says, “Well, not really but I can tell you exactly where I was.” 31. The officer thinks that this peculiar response is grounds for a search, and he finds a dead cat in the trunk, and he says, “Do you guys know that there's a dead cat in your trunk?” and Schrödinger says, “Well, I do now!” Part 3: Outro (3:16 to 3:51)= There you have it! 31 Jokes for nerds in less than 4 minutes. John, I will see you on Friday. End screen! Please let me know what your favorite joke was. They were numbered; you can just leave the number. And if there are any that you didn't get, which is likely, please ask in the comments. Probably somebody will come along and let you know, uh, the nerdy thing you do not know about. It's all about self improvement here at the Vlogbrothers, becoming more nerdy every day of your life. That's actually a really good tag line. And if you have any other jokes, nerdy or otherwise, please leave them in the comments because I do like making these videos, and I do like stealing your jokes. And of course, there are videos around. If you liked this video, chances are you will enjoy those as well. ​DFTBA.