Upgrade HipHop - Side Effects lyrics

[Verse 1] Minutes pa** and the time went on as I'm looking back on the wasted year Alone in my room with the torment of doom And a case of beer couldn't face my fear With these four walls that I called home While I'm painting the windows black On the wrong medication, thoughts started racing Chest bursting heart palpitations Gone numb my limbs started shaking And it seemed that I can't go escape it Cause my doctors and therapists are telling me this sickness I created With a year of the preparation and the cost of my desperation I was lost and my friends mistaken, asking "How was my vacation" Like the time away from work, tied away, and hurt was recreation Suicidal thoughts and panic attacks all social separation But I'm forced to pose and fake it Wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy Suddenly I had gone heavenly talking about God can you please just grant me serenity Like yeah, I'm suddenly religious but honestly who was I kidding Father Jewish, mother Christian who married a Mormon, fate non-existent Went to church to steal from collection plates, taking money stuffing my pockets Went to shul when I'm forced to And shove bobby pins in the electric sockets I'm thinking the doctors tests are not correct, my opinion's irrelevant They say it's a chemical imbalance, but there ain't no scientific evidence But it's evident, that I never been the same Just got better hiding the pain My reflection, I wouldn't frame My complexion, I could erase I couldn't make the mold of this mask any better, holding a flask Trying to cope with the past alone in the hope it could last Boulder on my shoulder growing too fast Heart getting colder frozen grew black Still I find peace in the boom-bat Why do I rap with a crew full of new jacks never lose that, uh [Hook] I'm tryna live my dream in private jets But I can't get past all these side effects I smile and nodded, I try to hide it best But I can't get past all these side effects But I'm hoping that I can be wrong, that I could find a reason that I suffered this long And I'm hoping that I could move on And I could find beauty in the words of this song [Verse 2] Locked behind these xanny bars, drowning inside this alcohol Depending on these chemicals, only thing that I found compatible Any problem I choose to tackle, I would do it two tone capsule Being stuck in a lose-lose battle Going coo-coo, I was scared of my shadow Paint over the pain no spacle Take chance on my brain, no raffle I stand in the rain as I soak til I'm carried afloat, like a boat, no paddle Getting tired of blaming genetics but I know the machine is defective So are we imperfectly perfect? Or excusing ourselves for depression All the time that I'm wishing to be someone else Could have used to improve myself All the personal flaws and the falls, I was cursed by it all, I could use your help But I'm move through hell with a few screws loose and a past I'd dwell And in fact I failed in regrets, in career to attract my sales Relationships I'm destroying, swollowed pride to collect employment Escaped in the play so imagine the day When a show was delayed and avoided All because these side effects, so many years to get my mind correct So many tears feeling like it's time I rest but these night terrors are inside my head Insomnia, check, vertigo, check Had the curtains closed, so not a person knows I haven't learned to cope yet Edible tablets are stacked during this chemical balance in act I enter the center of gravity happily never go back [Hook] I'm tryna live my dream in private jets But I can't get past all these side effects I smile and nodded, I try to hide it best But I can't get past all these side effects But I'm hoping that I can be wrong, that I could find a reason that I suffered this long And I'm hoping that I could move on And I could find beauty in the words of this song [Outro]