Trey Parker - The d**h Of Cartman lyrics

[Stan's house, night. The boys are in the kitchen at the breakfast table anticipating something. Next to Kenny is a stack of dishes] STAN: Dude, where is she? We can't wait. KYLE: God, this is gonna be sooo yummy. CARTMAN: Stan, you said your mom was bringing Kentucky Fried Chicken home for dinner! Now is she or isn't she?! SHARON: Hi boys. STAN: Mom! KYLE: She's here! CARTMAN: She's got Colonel! KYLE: I want some! CARTMAN: Oh boy! STAN: I want a breast! CARTMAN: Some extra-crispy thighs, extra crispy? SHARON: Uuh uh uh, not so fast. You boys can help bring in the other groceries in the car, then have your chicken. THE BOYS: Awww! STAN: But Mom, we've been waiting for hours! SHARON: It won't take a minute. CARTMAN: Come on guys. If we all help out, we can do it super-fast. STAN: All right. KYLE: Let's go. Oh my God, that smells good. STAN: Okay, this is everything, mom. KYLE: All right, let's eat Colonel! STAN: Oh boy! Cartman, you ate the skin off of every piece of chicken! CARTMAN: Well, I saved you all the chicken part. KYLE: The skin's the best part... CARTMAN: Well, I gotta go home, guys. I'm gonna sit on the toilet and read comic books. See you at the bus stop tomorrow. [The next morning the boys are waiting at the bus stop. Cartman hasn't arrived] STAN: I can't believe that fat a**hole! KYLE: You can't believe it?? He does this sh** all the time! STAN: Well this time he's gone too far! KENNY: (Yeah, f** him!) STAN: Why do we even hang out with him, anyway? KYLE: Hello?? I've been saying this for years! STAN: Well it's not like we're nice to him. I mean, we rip on him all the time! KYLE: Yes, but he thrives on that. STAN: All right. Then let's just ignore him. From now on, let's not talk to him, let's not even acknowledge him. KENNY: (f** yeah!) KYLE: That sounds great! CARTMAN: Hey f*gs, what's going on? Dude, I was on the toilet all night from that chicken. I thought I was gonna die. KYLE: Do any of you guys have milk money I can borrow? STAN: I think I have extra. CARTMAN: Oh wow, a Jew asking for money! There's a new one. Yuh, you guys know why Jews have gla**y eyes? STAN: Here you go. KYLE: Thanks. CARTMAN: Dude, Stan, yuh you know why Jews have gla**y eyes? Like Kyle? Eh. K-Kenny, you see that chick on the news that had her left titty cut off? Kenny? Kenny?? Stan? Stan, it's me, Eric! Eh... Kenny. Kenny, you want fifty cents? Dude, look at me, Kyle, I'm right here! Wha...? How did...? Like they couldn't see or hear me. It's almost as if I were... dead. No. No, I can't be dead. I can't be dead!! [The Cartman house, later. A plumber has come to visit, and he's in the living room talking to Mrs. Cartman. Two other plumbers are carrying away a box] BLACK PLUMBER: All right, ma'am. We've got your new toilet installed and we'll haul away the old one away for ya. LIANE: Oh, you've been so helpful, I uh, just don't know how to thank you. BLACK PLUMBER: Hunh, I could think of a few ways, hunh. LIANE: Ohoho, nhn. [Cartman runs back home, but he stops in his tracks before he reaches the front door. He sees the two men carrying the box away and he fears the worst] CARTMAN: No! No!! FAT PLUMBER: What happened? Did they say? THIN PLUMBER: Apparently there was so much chicken skin in the system it just ruptured the insides. FAT PLUMBER: Aww, that's tragic. CARTMAN: Oh my God, this can't be happening! Mom? Mom's crying? Oh God, it is true! Oh, it's not fair! Why??? Why??? [The Playground, recess] JIMMY: Hey fellas, w-where is Cartman? STAN: Cartman isn't our friend anymore. KYLE: We're ignoring him. TOKEN: Ignoring him? How come? KYLE: Beause he's a fat racist self-centered intolerant manipulating sociopath! TOKEN: Oh yeah. CRAIG: Hey, I hate Cartman too. Can I ignore him with you? BLOND: Yeah. KEVIN: Me too. OTHER BOYS: Yeah, screw him! Yeah. CLYDE: I never realized ignoring him was an option. CARTMAN: Guys! Guys? Can anybody hear me? You guys?? Token, Token, I'm here! Hello! Hello! Hello! Clyde, can't you feel me? Feel me, Clyde! Jimmy! Jimmy, it's me, Eric! Jimmy! Can't you feel your hair move?! That's me! They don't even know yet, that one of their best friends is dead. Dead and... still wandering the earth a lost soul. [Downtown, later. He wanders the streets of the town sobbing, and no one turns to see what's wrong, until...] WOMAN: What is that kid doing? MAN: Ah I don't know, just ignore him. [A blazing sunset over a bridge. Cartman's wails have gotten deeper, more emotional] [Night time, under a full moon, Cartman walks past a farm house. Nearby are a scarecrow and a few pumpkins] [Next day, bu*ter's house. He's shoveling snow off the sidewalk to the front door] bu*tERS: Lu lu lu, I've got some apples. Lu lu lu, yuu've got some too- CARTMAN: What did I do to deserve this?! How can my own God forsake me?! Am I doomed to wander the Earth alone for all eternity?! bu*tERS: Hey Eric! CARTMAN: ...What did you say? bu*tERS: Huh I just said, "Hey Eric!" CARTMAN: bu*ters... bu*ters! You can see me?? bu*tERS: Well, sure I can see you. CARTMAN: Oh my God, and you can hear me?? bu*tERS: Well, jeez Eric, why wouldn't I be able to hear you? CARTMAN: Because, bu*ters, I'm... dead. bu*tERS: HAAA! CARTMAN: bu*ters! bu*ters, I just want to talk to you! bu*tERS: You died?? How?? CARTMAN: I ate a bunch of chicken skin and it blew out my insides. bu*tERS: But if you're d-dead, how come I can see you? CARTMAN: I don't know, but you're the only one who can. bu*tERS: HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! CARTMAN: bu*ters! bu*ters, Goddamnit, I need your help! [The Stotch kitchen. Linda is cleaning the sink and humming to herself. She reaches down below the sink and opens the doors. bu*ters is hiding there.] LINDA: bu*ters, what on earth are you doing?? bu*tERS: Well I think... I'm like the kid in that movie! I-I'm seeing dead people! LINDA: Dead people? STEPHEN: Who's seeing dead people? bu*tERS: Me! I saw a ghost! STEPHEN: Now, bu*ters, there's no such thing as ghosts. bu*tERS: But I saw him! Just as plain as I'm seein' you right now! STEPHEN: bu*ters, these things happen all the time. You've got a very active little brain and your mind was just playing tricks on you. bu*tERS: Ruh, really? STEPHEN: Yeess. bu*tERS: So... so it was just... it was... just my ima... magination then? STEPHEN: That's right. There's no reason to be afraid of things that aren't real. There's plenty of real things to be scared of. Like super-AIDS. bu*tERS: Huh s-s-super-AIDS? STEPHEN: That's right. A new form of AIDS which is resistant to d**. Just one teaspoon of super-AIDS in your bu*t and you're dead in three years. bu*tERS: AAAH! Oh Jesus. STEPHEN: So now you feel better? Ghosts don't exist and there's nothing to be afraid of. Except the super-AIDS. [Night time at bu*ters' house. The sky is clear, but lightning bolts come out of nowhere and just as quickly disappear. bu*ters is in his bed looking out at the stormy sky and can't get to sleep.] bu*tERS: Nuh-nothing to be scared of. Jus, just some lightning and thunder. Gah! Wasn't nothin' neither. J-just a muhouse. CARTMAN: bu*ters... bu*tERS: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! CARTMAN: bu*ters, you have to help me! bu*tERS: Go away! You aren't real! CARTMAN: All right, bu*ters, you leave me no choice. bu*tERS: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! STEPHEN: bu*ters, what is going on?! bu*tERS: Well it's all... Well he was... Nothin' I I just had a nightmare. STEPHEN: Well you'd better stop having nightmares or eles you're gonna be grounded! bu*tERS: Y yes, yes sir. CARTMAN: bu*ters. bu*tERS: AH- CARTMAN: bu*ters, Goddamnit, I'm not in your imagination! I'm dead and for some reason you can see me! bu*tERS: But I don't want to see you! CARTMAN: Get a hold of yourself! I'm the one who died! And for some reason, my spirit is trapped here on Earth. I can't find the pa**age to Heaven. bu*tERS: Well... how do you know you're supposed to go to Heaven? CARTMAN: What do you mean? bu*tERS: Well... how do you know you're not supposed to go to... you know... Heck. CARTMAN: I'm not going to Heck, bu*ters! I'm not black, all right?! bu*tERS: Oh. CARTMAN: Now look: I thnk the reason my soul is still here is because I need closure with all my friends and loved one. I can say my final goodbyes to them through you. bu*tERS: I can't. Ahah I have school tomorrow. CARTMAN: This is your problem, bu*ters! Either you help me, or I will haunt you for the rest of your life! bu*tERS: Helll- Uh all right. All right, I'll help you! [Dawn, the next day. bu*ters and Cartman approach Cartman's house. Liane is in the kitchen using a cookie cutter to cut out heart-shaped cookies. bu*ters and Cartman enter the kitchen. Cartman is sobbing into a small towel.] bu*tERS: Mrs. Cartman? LIANE: Yes? Oh hi. bu*tERS: This is going to seem very strange and, and you may not believe me, but, well, your son wanted me to tell you something. LIANE: Oh, what is it? CARTMAN: Tell her, tell her that I love her. bu*tERS: He says, he loves you. LIANE: Oh, that's so nice. CARTMAN: Tell her, tell her that I wish... I wish I would have been a better son sometimes! bu*tERS: He wishes he would have been a better son sometimes. CARTMAN: It's just that, it's just that I got so caught up with the rat race of life tryin' to succeed that I... sometimes... took my family for granted! bu*tERS: He he got caught, he got caught up in the rat race of, of taking things for granted. LIANE: Oh, that's so sweet. Oh, I love you too, poopiekins! [The Broflovski house. bu*ters and Cartman approach it first and ring the bell. Kyle comes to answer it] bu*tERS: Kyle, Eric wants you to know that he's, he's sorry for all the times he made fun of you being a no-good stinking Jew. He's asking for your forgiveness. And and he wants you to just remember the good times. CARTMAN: Just the good times. KYLE: There were no good times! And if he really feels bad he can just tell me himself! CARTMAN: I can't! Don't you understand?! bu*tERS: He can't! Don't you understand?! CARTMAN: God forgave the Jews, you should be able to forgive me! bu*tERS: God forgave the Jews, you should be able to forgive him! CARTMAN: All right, come on, bu*ters, we gotta go tell Token I'm sorry for rippin' on him for bein' black. bu*tERS: Uhh all right then. [Kyle's living room. Stan and Kenny are playing a board game on the living room floor. Kyle enters and approaches them] STAN: Who was that? KYLE: It was Cartman having bu*ters apologize for him. STAN: Dude, he did that to me this morning. KENNY: (Me too.) KYLE: He probably thinks if he apologizes to everyone, we'll think he's changed and let him back into our circle. KENNY: (That guy would try anything) STAN: Yeah, we know better than to think that. [bu*ters and Cartman walk down a sidewalk, with Cartman checking off more names on his notepad.] CARTMAN: Okay, that takes care of Token, Clyde, and Mr. Kitty. That's eveyone, I guess. All that leaves is you, bu*ters. bu*ters, I'm sorry if I ever did anything to hurt you. bu*tERS: Aww, that's okay, Eric. CARTMAN: Well, it's all done. My soul is at peace. I think... I can go now. bu*tERS: So I won't see you again? CARTMAN: Don't be sad, bu*ters. What awaits each person in heaven is eternal bliss, divine rest, and ten thousand dollars cash. bu*tERS: Wow. CARTMAN: G'bye bu*ters. I'm goin' to a better place. Perhaps I'll see you again sometime! Good-bye!! bu*tERS: Yeh you're still here. CARTMAN: Goddamnit, what the f** is going on? bu*tERS: Well, I guess saying goodbye wasn't enough. CARTMAN: What else do I have to do?! bu*tERS: Well, well, you know, the preacher says that before your soul can be at peace, sometimes, you have to atone for something bad you did. CARTMAN: Atone? bu*tERS: Did you ever do anything really bad? CARTMAN: [In bu*ters' bedroom, later] CARTMAN: Let's see. Oh, and I broke Mr. Anderson's fence and never told him about it. bu*tERS: Broke fence... CARTMAN: I took a crap in the principal's purse... seven times. Then there was the time I convinced a woman to have an abortion so I could build my own Shakey's Pizza. I pretended to be retarded and joined the Special Olympics. I tried to have all the Jew exterminated last spring. Uuh, oh yeah, and there's this one kid whose parents I had k**ed and then made into chili which I fed to the kid. bu*tERS: Boy oh boy, Eric, you've got a lot to atone for. CARTMAN: Really? bu*tERS: Really. I mean, honestly, I don't know how you're gonna make up for all this. CARTMAN: I know how. [Moments later Cartman's hands are shown placing fruits inside a basket, a pair os scissors cutting away at a thick transparent plastic sheet, then the whole basket sealed with a bow. He and bu*ters grin at the accomplishment. Behind them are some more baskets roady to go. The first basket goes to Principal Victoria. The second goes to Ms. Claridge. The third goes to the rabbi at the synagogue. The congregation there is surprised. The fourth goes to Scott Tenorman, who's sobbing at his parents' graves. bu*ters and Cartman walk to their next desitnation with another basket as Stan, Kyle, and Kenny look on from across the street. They deliver that basket to the abortion clinic. He records the song below, with bu*ters and a recording engineer in the booth. Next, he and bu*ters are repairing Mr. Anderson's fence. Cartman hammers the new boards in place as bu*ters removes the damaged boards. Stan, Kyle, and Kenny appear and watch. Kyle angrily rejects what he's seeing and they walk away. Cartman and bu*ters then go to the Special Olympics stadium and present a basket to the coordinators. They leave a basket at Sally Struther's door. They're then back in bu*ters' bedroom and bu*ters marks off the last atonement.] ERIC CARTMAN: I'm gonna make, make it right. I'm gonna take a little time and set things right. Make, make it right. I'm payin' for my sins and it sure feels great. It feels so good to be making up For all the things I've done wrong. I know now what the Good Lord in Heaven Wanted from me all along. All along, I'm gonna make, make it right. 'Cause Jesus wants me to have a clean slate. Not faking it, I'm making it right. I'm payin' for my sins and it sure feels great. Make, make it right! Make, make it right! Gonna make it right, girl, I've got to have your lovin' tonight! CARTMAN: Well, there's everything, bu*ters. I've made everything right. bu*tERS: Does this mean... you have to go now? CARTMAN: Yes, bu*ters, my soul is finally at peace. It's time for me to leave. Goodbye bu*ters! Thanks for all your help! Be good and be safe. Goodbye... Goddamnit, what?! I've made everything right! bu*tERS: Oh jeez. I I guess maybe your soul is stuck here for a different reason. CARTMAN: I want my eternal bliss! Do you think this is funny, God?! Do you think this is funny,..? bu*tERS: Eric! Calm down. Stupid bu*thole God! STEPHEN: bu*ters! What have you done?! bu*tERS: Ih ih it wasn't me! Ih it was the ghost! LINDA: Oh, Stephen, I don't know if we should ground him or call a doctor. STEPHEN: No, I think you'd better call a doctor. I'll ground him. [bu*ters' house, later. Stephen holds Linda as the doctor on house call leaves bu*ters' bedroom] LINDA: What do you think, Doctor? DOCTOR: Your son is suffering from severe dementia. He claims that the ghost of a dead friend talks to him. This is usually a sign of schizophrenia brought on by some tragic event in the child's past. I think it's best that we take him to the mental center and do some tests. LINDA: Oh no. NO! [South Park Institute for Mental Health, day. In the operating room, bu*ters is wheeled into play on a gurney, face up] DOCTOR: All right, bu*ters, just try to relax. Doin' just fine, bu*ters. Just stay perfectly still now, bu*ters. bu*tERS: Lu lu lu, lu lu lu DOCTOR: Good. You're gonna feel a little pinch now, bu*ters. Don't worry, Mr. Stotch. Whatever traumatized your son in his past, we'll find it. [bu*ters' recovery room, later. The doctor and bu*ters' parents are at bedside] DOCTOR: Well, after fourteen hours of testing, I can say bu*ters is definitely suffering from aggravated repressied memory syndrome. You see, bu*ters, when the brain wants to cover something up, it makes up images and sounds for you to hear. bu*tERS: So... the ghost was in my head. The whole time. STEPHEN: Now do you believe us, bu*ters? bu*tERS: Yes! Uh yes sir! I believe you. DOCTOR: Good. We're making a lot of headway. We'll do some more testing tomorrow. All right, folks. Let's let bu*ters get some rest. LINDA: Goodnight, baby. bu*tERS: Ahhh. CARTMAN: bu*ters. bu*tERS: AAAAAAAAAAAAAH! CARTMAN: Don't worry, bu*ters, I'm gonna get you out of here. bu*tERS: Please leave me alone, Eric. My bottom is really sore. CARTMAN: I found the woman you need to talk to for me. Look! Doctor Lindsay, expert in the paranormal. She can tell us what to do! bu*tERS: Eric, ye-you're just an image in my head brought on by a traumatic event. CARTMAN: She's gonna close soon! Come on! bu*tERS: Wuh I hate my stupid psychotic brain! [The psychic's house. The doorbell rings. She's watching television, but she gets up to answer the door. Cartman and bu*ters are there] bu*tERS: Hello, ma'am. May I talk to you? PSYCHIC: Certainly. Come in. Have a seat and tell me what it is you seek. bu*tERS: Well, there's this ghost, see? Only it probably isn't a ghost, ih-it's just a delusion brought on by my trauma. Well I'm supposed to heh, help him, find out why his spirit is wanderin' the Earth, even though I know that I'm most likely just completely insane. PSYCHIC: Well, many times, the reason that the sould stays Earth-bound is because God is intending to use that soul for a divine purpose, to help prevent an impending tragic event. bu*tERS: Of course. That's it, bu*ters! We had it wrong all the time! PSYCHIC: But now, you shouldn't think you're crazy, young man. I see ghosts all the time. bu*tERS: Really? PSYCHIC: Yes. When's the last time you saw yours? bu*tERS: Well, he's sittin' next to me right now. PSYCHIC: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! bu*tERS: Hey, I think she could see you too. You really are a ghost. CARTMAN: I told you, bu*ters. ANNOUNCER: This is breaking news! ANCHOR TOM: A tragic event is unfolding in South Park. Three convicted murderers have escaped from jail and are holding twelve people at the Red Cross! REPORTER CHRIS: Tom, the convicts were about to be arrested when they ran inside the Red Cross behind me, and threatened to k** all the workers inside. The violent men are demanding a helicopter and two hundred thousand dollars cash. CARTMAN: Oh my God, this is it, bu*ters. This is what I'm here to stop. Come on, bu*ters. This psychic boy and his ghost pal are going to save the day! [The Red Cross, later that night. A crowd has gathered and the police try to control the crowd] OFFICER: Stay back, people! MAN: Stay back?! Hell, my wife and child are in there! DET. YATES: Stay calm in there. We don't want anybody getting hurt. LEAD CONVICT: You get us a helicopter and two hundred thousand dollars or these people start dyin', man! [The Red Cross, outside. bu*ters and Cartman sneak past the police barricade] CARTMAN: All right, bu*ters, I'm going in alone, first. Give me thirty seconds in there, and then you go in and free the hostiages. bu*tERS: Go in there? Uh, but they'll see me. CARTMAN: Don't worry. I have a plan. bu*tERS: Eric. Well, be careful, ghost pal. CARTMAN: They can't hurt me, bu*ters. I'm already dead. DET. YATES: What the hell is that kid doing? [The Red Cross, inside. The convicts look out through the Venetian blinds] BALD CONVICT: Somebody's comin' in! CONVICT 2: It's just some little fat kid. BALD CONVICT: What the hell is going on? CONVICT 2: I have no idea. CARTMAN: Yes, it's working! LEAD CONVICT: This is really weird. [The Red Cross, outside.] REPORTER CHRIS: An incredible development here, Tom. Two little boys have fearlessly gone inside the Red Cross. [Stan's house. Stan, Kyle, and Kenny watch the news] STAN: Cartman? [The Red Cross, inside. Cartman swings two cowbells up and down. bu*ters has left the door open] BALD CONVICT: I'm so confused! bu*tERS: Hurry. Go, go! OFFICER 2: The hostages are clear! DET. YATES: All right, move in! CONVICT 2: The hostages are gone! BALD CONVICT: What?! Son of a b**h. REPORTER CHRIS: Tom, an incredible story of courage. Two little boys, armed only with the weapon of confusion, managed to go in and save the Red Cross. Nobody seems to know who the boys are or where they went off to, but they are heroes. [The field across from the Red Cross. Cartman is about to take his leave for the third time] CARTMAN: Well, we did it, bu*ters. We saved the day. bu*tERS: Boy, we sure did. CARTMAN: My spirit is at rest now. I can finally go to everlasting peace, eternal rest, and ten thousand dollars cash. bu*ters, I think that, through this whole thing, we've really become friends. bu*tERS: Yeah. Uh I feel that way too. CARTMAN: We both, kind of needed each other and... well... I'm gonna miss you. bu*tERS: I'll miss you too, ghost pal. CARTMAN: Goodbye bu*tters. I must be going now. I'll be looking down on you from time to time. Have a long, fulfilling life, bu*ters! Goodbyyye! STAN: Hey Cartman, that was really cool what you did. CLYDE: Yeah Eric, we're gonna stop ignoring you now. KYLE: We didn't think that by pretending you didn't exist, you would really change, but you really have. STAN: Well, anyway, we just wanna let you know. Talk to you tomorrow. JIMMY: Yeah. S-see ya, Eric. CARTMAN: You sonofab**h bu*ters! bu*tERS: Huh? CARTMAN: You told me I was a ghost! bu*tERS: Huh but I thought you were one! CARTMAN: How stupid are you?! So help me GOD bu*ters, I'm gonna get you back for this! I'm going to GET YOU BACK! STEPHEN: bu*ters?! bu*tERS: Oh Hamburgers.