Trey Parker - Die Hippie, Die! lyrics

[An elderly woman's home. Cartman rings her doorbell, and she answers it. Cartman is dressed in an orange hazmat suit and is carrying a tank of something on his back] CARTMAN: Hello, ma'am. I'm working to clean up the neighborhood from parasites. Do you mind if I take a quick look around your house? I'm afraid you may have hippies. ELDERLY WOMAN: Hippies? CARTMAN: Yeah, they've been poppin' up all over the neighborhood lately. Ms. Nelson next door had seven hippies in her basement; they usually live in colonies. Hm, I don't like the sound of that. Could I take a look in your attic? [The attic. He opens the door and looks in. He gets out a flashlight, turns it on, and looks around again. He stops after a few seconds.] CARTMAN: Oh yeah, boy. Take a look at this, ma'am. See that? Hippies. ELDERLY WOMAN: Oh my. CARTMAN: These are what we call the uh giggling stoners. Pretty common form of hippie, usually found in the attics. Problem is, if you see one hippie, there's probably a whole lot more you're not seein'. Uh, whe-where's the backyard. [The backyard. The elderly lady opens the door and Cartman walks out onto the back porch] CARTMAN: Yep, that's what I thought. See that? You've got a drum circle in your backyard. ELDERLY WOMAN: Oh, well they showed up a few days ago, but I didn't think they were hurting anything. CARTMAN: Yeah. You know, I had a guy in Jackson county. He had a little drum circle in his backyard. It turned into a drum circle four miles in diameter. You get a few hippies playing drums and next thing you know, you got yourself a colony. ELDERLY WOMAN: Oh dear. [back inside the house] ELDERLY WOMAN: Oh, well, so, so what do I do? CARTMAN: Well, your attic could be so we can fumigate with polymerethane. The drum circle we're gonna have to gas. Goddamnit! HIPPIE 1: Whoa, how did I get here? Man, I'm so high. CARTMAN: Goddamn hippie! HIPPIE 1: Whoa, dude! CARTMAN: Get out of here! HIPPIE 1: Not cool! What's up?! CARTMAN: Ma'am, I need to clear out your giggling stoners and your drum-cricle hippies RIGHT NOW, or soon they're gonna attract something much worse! ELDERLY WOMAN: Ooooo.what's that? CARTMAN: The college know-it-all hippies. [The neighborhood, day. A red car pulls up to the curb. On the back window is a decal which says "University of Colorado at Boulder" Three men and three women step out of the car] DRIVER: Wow, my friend Brittany was right. This is a really laid-back place. WOMAN 1: Yeah, this will be a great place to spend spring break. KYLE: Hey, let's ask them. STAN: All right. 'Scuse me. Hello, we are selling magazine subscriptions for our community youth program. Would you like to help young people like us by purchasing a subscription of your choice? DRIVER: Oh wow, you guys shouldn't be doing that. Don't you know what you're doing to the world? KYLE: Wha- whataya mean? MAN 1: You're playing into the corporate game! See, the corporations are trying to turn you into little Eichmanns so that they can make money. STAN: Who are the corporations? WOMAN 2; The corporations run the entire world. And now they fooled you into working for them. STAN: Are you serious?? We never heard that. DRIVER: We just spent our first semester at college. Our professors opened our eyes. The government is using its corporate ties to make you sell magazines so they can get rich. KYLE: Ugh! Those dirty liars! KENNY: (Sonofab**h!) MAN 2: This is a really nice town you have here. That's why the corporations are trying to use you to take it down. STAN: Well... Well what do we do? DRIVER: Just hang with us for a bit. We'll fill you in on everything you haven't been told. [Cartman's basement. He's gathered a bunch of hippies in there and one of them pounds the door to get out] HIPPIE 2: It is time to let us out! I'm sending your names! Open this door right now! CARTMAN: All right, in you go. HIPPIE 2: What are you doing, man?! HIPPIE 3: Let us out! CARTMAN: Get back. Get back or you're all gonna get maced! HIPPIE 2: What's up, man?! You can't keep us down here like this! HIPPIE 4: What's wrong with you?! CARTMAN: What's wrong is that there's more of you showing up every day and I need to find out why! HIPPIE 5: What makes you think you could tell us where to live?! HIPPIE 6: This is a free country, man! CARTMAN: Brah, I'm not gonna argue with you, all right? Just go with it. HIPPIE 3: Just go with it? We've been down here for days! CARTMAN: And you're gonna be here a little longer, brah, all right? Here, here's some joints , and a guitar! SINGER: What's goin' on in this world o'mine? There's a whole lot of k**in' in this world o'mine. Somebody's gotta help this world o'mine... [Stan's house, at about the same time. He's sitting at the edge of the porch playing a guitar quietly. On his cap he wears a peace sign] STAN: Sign, sign everywhere. Sign Done something to my mind. SHARON: Stan, sweetie, we're gonna go to the mall. Do you wanna come? STAN: Mom, the mall is a way for the corporate fatcats to imprison you into a life of servitude. I've got some stuff you should read. SHARON: Okay, sweetie. [City Hall, City Council meeting. Mayor McDaniels is seated at the head of a boardroom table, with leading citizens of the town sitting on either side.] MAYOR MCDANIELS: All right, people, we can move onto issue number 14B. CHEF: Mayor, we have got to do somethin' about all these potholes on our roads! LINDA STOTCH: We don't have it in the budget to fix them right now. KYLE'S FATHER: We'll wish we spent the money when we have a lawsuit on our hands. CHEF: We- GUARD: You can't go in there! CARTMAN: Please, I have to talk to you all right now! MAYOR MCDANIELS: Kid, we're have a city council meeting. CARTMAN: Mayor, something very big is happening, and if you all don't give me a moment of your time, there may be no more South Park to council over! RANDY: What are you talking about? CARTMAN: I'm talking about the end of all life as we know it. For the past several days I've been... noticing a steep rise in the number of hippies coming to town. At first I thought maybe it was just a coincidence. Then I saw this... Three new drum circles have sprouted up here, here, and here. They're all growing in diameter, at a rate of two hippies per hour. What this means... is that the hippies are conglomerating. They'er thriving, if you will. I think that they're setting up for a... . hippie music festival. LINDA: A what? CARTMAN: Ti's, it's simple science. Look: When hippies start to nest in a new area, it draws other hippies in. With the right weather conditions and topography, it can lead to a music festival. One that last for days, even weeks. Reggae on the River, Woodstock, Burning Man, they will all pale in comparison to what we're looking at now. In my professional opinion... I think we're looking at a full-blown hippie jam festival the size of which we've never seen. MAYOR MCDANIELS: Kid, what the hell are you talking about? CARTMAN: I know hippies. I've hated them all my life. I've kept this town free of hippies on my own since I was five and a half. But I can't contain them on my own anymore. We have to do something, fast! COUNSELOR MACKEY: Uh, Eric, we're, we're talkin' about potholes right now, m'kay. CARTMAN: It's not potholes you need to worry about. It's potheads. I know what these people are capable of. MAYOR MCDANIELS: Johnson, get him out of here. CARTMAN: What are you doing?! You have to listen to me! You can't sweep this problem under the rug! The town is in serious danger! [A park in town. The college hippies sit at a table... and on it] DRIVER: You see, the corporations take their profits and invest it in the war machine while keeping everyone blind. STAN: Right, so how do we get back at them? KYLE: Yeah, we're pissed off. DRIVER: Well, so my idea was this: Let's have like a weeklong music festival, draw everyone here, and then together, we can tear it all down. Whoa, what the hell?! CARTMAN: I knew you were trying to have a hippie jam festival! All right, everyone pack up your crap, we're going to our basement! KYLE: Cartman, what the hell are you doing?! CARTMAN: Oh Jesus, not you guys? What happened? Were you bit? Did you eat their brownies? DID YOU EAT THEIR BROWNIES?! STAN: NO! CARTMAN: Listen, you're my friends, but if you've been comprimised, I'll have no problem taking you out! I'll expect the same from you. MAN 1: What is your problem? Get lost, little Eichmann. WOMAN 2: Oh my God! MAN 2: What the hell are you doing?! CARTMAN: Everybody get in a single-file line! OFFICER BARBRADY: There you are! CARTMAN: Ah, Officer Barbrady, you're just in time. These college know-it-all hippies were setting up for a music festival, just as I predicted. OFFICER BARBRADY: Eric Cartman, you are under arrest. CARTMAN: What? OFFICER BARBRADY: I was just over at your house and freed sixty-three people you had locked in your basement. CARTMAN: You let them out?! Jesus, we have to find them! OFFICER BARBRADY: Oh no, you're coming downtown! CARTMAN: No! No, we have to stop them! You know how we-?! We gotta stop them! Hebbiaaay! DRIVER: Who was that? [South Park Police Dept. Cartman is in jail, confused] CARTMAN: What did I do?! OFFICER BARBRADY: You can't kidnap people and lock them in your basement. CARTMAN: They're not people, they're HIPPIES! MAYOR MCDANIELS: Is this problem under control? OFFICER BARBRADY: I handled it, Mayor. Gee whiz. CARTMAN: Mayor! Mayor, I confirmed the data! The hippies are going to have a ma**ive jam band concert! MAYOR MCDANIELS: I know. I signed the permit. CARTMAN: You... You what? MAYOR MCDANIELS: I signed a permit allowing them to have their concert here. Their little "festival" should pump some money into our economy. CARTMAN: They're hippies! They don't HAVE any money! Does the city council know about this?! MAYOR MCDANIELS: They don't have to know. I can sign whatever permit I want! CARTMAN: You just SOLD OUT OUR TOWN! That kid really needs some psychiatric help. OFFICER BARBRADY: Yeah. MAYOR MCDANIELS: All right, let's go. CARTMAN: How much money is enough, Mayor?! How many people's lives it it all worth?! GODDAMNED HIPPIE! [Breaking News] ANNOUNCER: This is a South Park News special report! ANCHORMAN: Thousands of people have descended on South Park for a hippie music jam festival. The event is said to be the largest such gathering in the history of man. MC: All right, welcome to Hippie Jam Fest 2005! Sooo great to see sooo many people turn out to make an impact on on the world! STAN: Yeah! KYLE: You said it! MC: For too long, the corporations have bled the world of its love and resources! It is time for us to get to work and make the world a better place! And we'reg onna start right now. MAN 1: Oh man, I can't wait to see the look on those little Eichmanns' faces when they hear this crunchy groove. [The Marsh house. Sharon and Randy run into each other in the kitchen] RANDY: Sharon, have, have you seen Stan? SHARON: He went with his friends to that music festival. RANDY: Oh, Jesus, what has gotten into that kid?! SHARON: Now, Randy, we were the same way once, too. Don't forget that we were both considered hippies back in the '60s. RANDY: Yeah, but when we did it we actually stood for something. I mean, remember Woodstock, Sharon? We actually did something there. [Flash back to Woodstock, 1969, a crowd scene quite similar to the current one. Randy jumps into view and yells like a barbarian. Sharon jumps into view and they both dance around. Sharon turns and bares her tits and Randy dances so hard he gets dizzy and throws up.] SHARON: You ate too much acid, man! [Flash forward to the present. They consider how such activity would be seen these days...] SHARON: ...Oh my God. Our son is with those people. RANDY: S-stan. STAAAN! [Breaking News] ANNOUNCER: This is South Park News! ANCHORMAN: Fear and horror in South Park today as the music festival continues to grow. They're arriving in droves and apparently no end is in sight. REPORTER: Tom, the crowd just keeps getting bigger and the town is literally bursting at the seams. We don't know where this music festival came from, but, it's very close to consuming us all. [bu*ters' house. Linda and Steven hug each other before the TV as they watch the news brief.] LINDA: Steven, what do we do? [Kyle's house. Music is heard outside. Gerald opens the door and looks out to see hippies milling on his front lawn, and screams. A view from a long distance shows just how big the crowd has gotten, then another shot shows the heart of the festival. Randy is seen looking for his son] RANDY: Stan?! Stan?! I need to get through, please! JIMBO: Randy! Randy, you've got to get out of here! If they just trample this park, we'll be trapped! It's too dangerous! RANDY: My son is in there! Duh-uh! Stan?! Stan! Stan! MALE HIPPIE: Heey, chill man. It's all good. FEMALE HIPPIE: Have some water laced with acid. RANDY: Sta-ogh. Ugh! [City Hall. The Mayor looks at the festival from her office window.] MAYOR MCDANIELS: What have I done? MC: Yeah, South Park is now the hippie capital of the world! [South Park Police Department. Cartman relaxes in his cell, having nothing to do. He senses he's not alone and looks towards the cell door. The town's adults are on the other side.] COUNSELOR MACKEY: Uh huh hi Eric, uh, how's it goin'? CARTMAN: Great, I love crapping in a toilet with no rim on it. RANDY: Eric, you were right. About the hippies. Could you... get rid of them for us now? CARTMAN: Let me guess: they've started a hippie jam band music festival. KYLE'S MOTHER: We we need to take care of them, Eric! They're out of control! CARTMAN: Forget it. RANDY: Please. Some of our kids are in there. We should've listened to you earlier. CHEF: Yeah. We apologise. KYLE'S FATHER: Please. Don't let them ruin our town. CARTMAN: It's too late! Even if I did agree to help, there's too many of them now! COUNSELOR MACKEY: We know you can do it, Eric. You're smart. Wha- why you're the smartest kid in school, m'kay? RANDY: We're just asking you to try. The whole town even got together and, and baked you a cake. CARTMAN: Don't think that you can buy me with presents! ...Unless of course it's the new Tonka radio-controlled play bulldozer. RANDY: It's yours. CARTMAN: I want the batteries for it too. And I get to drive it around in the school parking lot. PRINCIPAL VICTORIA: Fine. JIMBO: Anything else? CARTMAN: Yes. Kyle doesn't get to have one! Ever! And he has to watch me drive mine around the school parking lot and get super-jealous! KYLE'S MOTHER: Well, we can promise not to buy one for Kyle, but we we can't make him watch you play th- Oh yes! Fine! We'll force Kyle to watch you. CARTMAN: All right, fine. But now listen up and listen good! I've never tried to get rid of this many hippies before, so I'm gonna need every resource this town has! And even if I don't succeed, and it's a million-to-one shot that I will, I still get the Tonka radio-controlled bulldozer and get to play with it in the school parking lot where Kyle has to watch me and get super-jealous because he doesn't have one! Are we clear?! [The music festival, day 6. The crowd has grown so big the camera has to pull back a loooong way to get it all into view. The boys are again present with the college hippies. The band is playing reggae music.] DRIVER: Wow, this band is so crunchy. Dude, I need more weed. STAN: So it seems like we have enough people now. When do we start taking down the corporations? MAN 1: Yeah man, the corporations. Right now they're raping the world for money! KYLE: Yeah, so, where are they. Let's go get 'em. MAN 2: Right now we're proving we don't need corporations. We don't need money. This can become a commune where everyone just helps each other. MAN 1: Yeah, we'll have one guy who like, who like, makes bread. A-and one guy who like, l-looks out for other people's safety. STAN: You mean like a baker and a cop? MAN 2: No no, can't you imagine a place where people live together and like, provide services for each other in exchange for their services? KYLE: Yeah, it's called a town. DRIVER: You kids just haven't been to college yet. But just you wait, this thing is about to get HUGE. [Park County Community Center, night. Cartman and the adults are meeting there. Cartman stands next to an easel with various pictures on a tabloid-size book] CARTMAN: All right, everyone listen up! The hippie jam band festival is now fourteen miles in diameter and five hundred thousand hippies thick. RANDY: My God... CARTMAN: In less than three days, all of South Park will be completely consumed. My only hope is to fight our way to the center of the crowd, and reach the heart, here. If we can reach the stage, we can upload this Slayer CD into their music system. Hippies can't stand d**h metal. If everything works, they should disperse just before they consume us all. JIMBO: Nice plan, kid, except there's one giant flaw. That hippie crowd is ma**ive! How the hell are we supposed to get through it and reach the stage? CARTMAN: We drill. I've designed a vehicle that can bore its way through even the densest hippie crowd. They pilots inside will be safe from the pot smoke and the crappy music outside. STEVEN: Yuh... actually suggesting that somebody drives right into the heart of that mob?? It's a suicide mission! CARTMAN: Not just somebody. I need a complete team to operate this vehicle. Along with me I'm gonna need a scientest, an engineer, and of course, a black person who can sacrifice himself in case something goes wrong. RANDY: I'm the... only scientist in town. LINDA: I'm your engineer. STEVEN: Honey, no! LINDA: I have to do it, Steven. CARTMAN: All right, then we just need a black person who can sacrifice himself in case something goes wrong. Lessee, anyone would do, anyone who meets the qualifications, let's see... Oh, I know. How about- CHEF: Yeah, yeah! I get it! Fine! STEVEN: I I can't believe we're actually listening to this. This is a crazy plan! RANDY: You got a better ides, Steven?! Damnit, my son is in there! CARTMAN: There's no more time for ideas! We have to have this vehicle up and operational in less than three days! Look, it's a long shot! But it's also the only shot we- got. [The music festival, day 6. The camera pans across the site and stops where the townsfolk stand around the vehicle] [New report] REPORTER: Tom, I'm standing in South Park, Colorado, where a desparate attempt to save the town is underway. Some call it a suicide mission, but the heroic men and women of the hippie digger may be our only hope of survival. RAMDU: Well I... guess this is it, Sharon. SHARON: Please, save our boy, Randy. LINDA: bu*ters, if anything happens to Mommy, I, I want you to be a good boy. bu*tERS: Ah I will, Mom. CHEF: Now, now, don't cry, ladies. Everything's gonna be fine. CARTMAN: I... don't want you to worry about me, Clyde Frog. Hey! You're the best stuffed animal I've ever had. KYLE'S MOTHER: Look out for yourselves! MRS. GARRISON: Godspeed! [Inside the digger] CARTMAN: Primary engine running? RANDY: Check. CARTMAN: Navigation systems? LINDA: Online CARTMAN: Let's punch this baby. We're coming up on the outer perimeter of the hippies. Hang on. Reaching hippie crowd. Hull status? RANDY: Vehicle shell holding! [A command center nearby. Townsfolk mill around inside] JIMBO: They're in! TOWNSFOLK: All right! All right, yeah! We did it! MAYOR MCDANIELS: All right, people, let's save it! They still have a long way to go! [The music festival. The boys are in front of the stage sitting on throw rugs. They're bored.] STAN: All right, I can't take it anymore! I'm getting on that stage! KYLE: You're doing what? GUARD: Hey, you can't go up there. Hoohoo, woo! [Inside the digger] CARTMAN: Switching to secondary fuel line. What's that? RANDY: The drill is getting too hot from all the hippies. [The command center nearby. Townsfolk mill around inside] MAYOR MCDANIELS: What's happened? COUNSELOR MACKEY: They, they s- they stopped. Somethin's wrong. STEVEN: Jesus... they're dead in the water. [The music festival. The digger is dead. Stan approaches the mic] STAN: Uh, excuse me. Excuse me, can I have your attention please? What are we doing? It's been nine days! Doesn't it seem like we should accomplish something? A HIPPIE: We're using the power of rock and roll to change the world! Woo! STAN: Maybe instead of complaining about corporations being selfish, we should lookt at ourselves. I mean, is there anything more selfish than doing nothing but getting high and listening to music all day long? SINGER: He's right. It's time for all of us to focus our energy and get this hippie jam into full swing. [Inside the digger, the crew tries to start it up again.] CARTMAN: Come on, come on! LINDA: It's useless. The main power line has been shut down. RANDY: Somebody's gonna have to go outside and activate the backup boosters. CARTMAN: No, Chef, I'm not gonna let you go out there! CHEF: ...I didn't volunteer! CARTMAN: ...All right, fine Chef, go! CHEF: ...Aw damnit! [The command center nearby. The Mayor takes command] MAYOR MCDANIELS: That's it. We're going to Plan B. Nuke the crowd! STEVEN: Goddamnit no! Y-you have to give them more time! [The music festival. Chef makes his way through the crowd to the booster switch and turns it on. The digger revs up and zooms towards the stage. Kyle seems to be saying something, but what it is we don't hear.] STAN: Dude, these people have no idea what's going on. Let's get out of here. KYLE: We can't. Kenny just checked. There's a wall of people like seven miles thick behind us. STAN: What?? You mean, we're stuck here listening to this crap? MAN 2: Hey, what happened to the tunes, man? MAN 1: More tunes. More tunes! LINDA: We made it, We made it! CARTMAN: Hit the PA system NOW! Put me in the main line! RANDY: Which cord is it? CARTMAN: You're the scientist, jacka**! RANDY: I'm a geologist! LINDA: We don't have time to argue! They're gonna nuke us! RANDY: Nyugh! CARTMAN: Put them in my laptop! A HIPPIE: Oh man, not cool. HIPPIE 3: This music is so angry. MAN 2: This is k**ing my buzz. MAN 1: Let's bail on this whole angry scene. RANDY: It's working! LINDA: What? RANDY: It's, it's working! [The command center.] MRS. GARRISON: We did it! We did it! [The music festival. Stan sees his father] STAN: Dad! RANDY: Stan! CHEF: I'm alive! CARTMAN: Hold it right there, Kyle! KYLE: Whoa, Cartman. We aren't gonna be hippies anymore. Y-you don't have to k** us. CARTMAN: k** you? Oh no. I have much bigger plans for you now. [South Park Elementary's parking lot. Kyle sits on the curb watching Cartman play with his Tonka radio-controlled play bulldozer. Cartman has the scoop haul some rocks from one pile to another] CARTMAN: Hoho! Aw man, this is awesome! Weeeee! Oh here, Kyle, you wanna play with it a little while. Oh, psych! You don't get to! Hehe. Oh, check it out! Cooool!