The Stupendium - Room for Improvement lyrics

[Intro, spoken] Tsk tsk. Oh dear, love, you've got a red subscribe bu*ton. Look, I can fit you a gray one from the van for 200 quid or you can click the bu*ton and do it yourself. Either way--oh, bloody hell! [Verse 1] It’s half eleven and your doorbell chimes (open up) Yeah, I know I said I’d start at nine But I had to grab a bap on the M25 Don’t worry, love, still gonna charge for the time ‘Cause I’m the jack of all tradesmen And your place is craving renovation Straight from the facias down into your basement ‘Fraid your radiators need replacements Greatest decorator in an eighth mile radius Don’t check my ratings, swеar they’re outrageous All thеir outrage is baseless – I’m blameless Only three of my extensions ever caved in You got savings? Ooh, well I hope you do ‘Cause it’s a heck of a job that I’m quoting you Look, I know that you only want a coat of blue But to be safe I’d better run my dozer through I could do it in a flash, in a jiffy, in a jot But the trouble is, love, it’s coming up one O’Clock So I’ll have a spot of lunch, then a cuppa, then I’m off And I’ll come back tomorrow, see if anything’s in stock If I’ve got it in the van, that’s grand If I haven’t then I gotta’ get the parts from Japan They should be here Jan, maybe June, in year, maybe two But I’ll take the down payment now, see you soon [Spoken interlude] I tell you, I’ve got five star reviews! And by that I mean I have five one-star reviews which is basically the same thing. Don't think about it [Chorus 1] Satisfaction guaranteed Cash in hand and no receipts Your dream home is my debris How’s about a cup of tea? I can see a little room for improvement I can see a little room for improvement Now, are you sure you want the glass translucent? I can see a little room for improvement [Verse 2] A one man overhaul sporting overalls Though I don’t recall the load bearing walls So I ‘spose I ought to bulldoze ‘em all Eh, your home is sort of disposable I do wiring, grouting, I put your power shower in That pipe ain’t leakin’ it’s just a little fountain Whatd’ya mean that’s not what a power shower is? The spout’s right here where the plugs are mounted? I’m the handyman with the plan To retire via cheating cash from your gran Do you really need to tile all my ceilings? That’s right I’m afraid, that’ll be ten grand If your wall’s too bland I can lend a hand Got a car full of samples to artfully fan And most of the lead free cans aren’t banned Though some colours are still carcinogens We got eggshell, beige, ecru, sage Hessian and sesame and peppermint rage Indigo Dingo, Elephant Plague Hotdog Embargo and Lemon Rampage We got Baby Blue, Navy Blue, Gravy Blue, Maybe Blue Grape and Rhubarbecue, Caribou Cabin Crew Third Degree Verdigris, Turtle Infirmary Phlurple and Curdle and Terminal Burgundy- [Spoken interlude] Oh.. White? You’d prefer white? Okay then… I mean, that’s fine too… Not hurt or anything. Just a bit emulsional [Chorus 2] Satisfaction guaranteed Cash in hand and no receipts Your dream home is my debris How’s about a cup of tea? I can see a little room for improvement I can see a little room for improvement The fixtures are nice but the quote don’t include them I can see a little room for improvement [Bridge] They say home is where the heart is And that’s true enough I guess ‘Cause it seems like your garage is Now in car-diac arrest I’ve installed some extra arches But your bathroom’s somewhat less I’m afraid to say your bath is Firmly parked upon your desk [Verse 3] I’m a stone cold filler Pro roach killer I’m a fixture of fitting in A kitchen in your villa’ But my tea cup could use a little refill And I don’t suppose you got a biscuit do ya’? I’m no clever boffin but you know I’m never stopping I can stick up a partition quicker than you’d slot a noggin I’ll be bodging ‘til my spirit’s level, lying in a coffin ‘Til then I got a new side gig in pressure washing! [Chorus 3] Satisfaction guaranteed Cash in hand and no receipts Your dream home is my debris How’s about a cup of tea? I can see a little room for improvement I can see a little room for improvement You clearly just don't appreciate the Brutalist movement I can see a little room for improvement I can see a little room for improvement I can see a little room for improvement Regulations? Nah, never use ‘em I can see a little room for improvement [Outro, spoken] Alright folks, thanks for watchin'. And thanks to my generous clientele over on Patreon for making this sort of thing possible. If you enjoyed the video, I've got a playlist full of 'em just like it in the van. And do us a favour, would 'ya? Drop a like, comment, whack the ol' subscription bu*ton, dingle that little bell and make us a cup of tea while you're at it, love? And if you really liked it, have a look at the Patreon, or me mates over at Fanfiber will do you a nifty tee shirt or mug or something with me face on it. Anyway, I must dash. I got a load of windows to clean and I can't find my hammers anywhere. Oh, and a biscuit wouldn't go amiss!