The Rohan Theatre Band - The Undertakers' Ball lyrics

If you like I'll take you to the Undertaker's Ball, It's usually a splendid bash but be prepared to feel a fool, For if you do not know their funerary ways they get really quite aggrieved, For the only other folk they ever meet are the recently bereaved, And if you turn up dressed like that they might mistake you for a corpse, But never mind, I'll be by your side. I have many friends who'd love to come but I'd rather go with you, So whiten up that pretty little face and ruffle up those plumes, And sharpen the crease on your old top hat and tie that ribbon nice and tight, For if there's any justice left in the world we should be in for a pretty good night, For when d**h no longer scares you, you've got nothing left to lose except your soul, And that's nothing new. Last year's event was a splendid do and they came from all around, And it seemed as if a great swarm of bats had descended upon the town, With their cloaks and their canes and their black top hats and ingratiating smiles, There were no lilies left for miles around. With a wreath down here and a shovel over there, they're always getting up to pranks, Like the time they filled a coffin with the local cats and left it chained outside the bank! Or the time they spiked the punch with formaldehyde and we all went home half embalmed! Oh, it gave me a splitting headache but that's all just part of the charm! And 'hide-the-penny' is a whole new game when you're dealing with a corpse, But then of course, you've done that before. And the charnel house is all spick and span and the bones all polished up bright, And Rory is piercing holes in the ceiling to let in more natural moonlight, And Guy has landed the vertical loop but I don't know what that means, They haven't told me yet, I hope to find out soon! So I'd really like to take you and there's no need to look so scared, And I hope I haven't put you off with the things that I have said, For they're really quite a friendly bunch and they don't mean any harm, So ruffle up those jet-black plumes and whiten up your face, And I'll pick you up after midnight in my finest horse-drawn hearse, So don't be late, we've got a date.