The Frantics - Worshippers 'R' Us lyrics

Preacher: Welcome, brothers and sisters, to Worshippers-'R'-Us, the first church of all denominations. Please open your generic prayer books and pray along with me as you stand, sit, kneel, face Mecca, or dance. (praying) Oh large person or persons of whatever gender Or branch of the animal kingdom Who did something great And is now someplace where we aren't Please forgive us for whatever you deem bad And help us to do whatever strikes you as good Whether that be to work hard, eat no pork, or wage a holy war Grant us whatever you tend to grant Unless you don't interfere with earthly concerns Watch over us Or save us from evil Or let us find out for ourselves Or damn us randomly Amen, praise Allah, have a nice day... Preacher: May the being, as you define Him, Her, or It be with you. Congregation: And also with you. Preacher: Let us give thanks for (a) divine intervention, or (b) divine abstention. Congregation: It is right to give Him or Her thanks and praise. Preacher: May peace dwell here amongst us... and keep us free from WAR! Congregation: [sort of unison grunt] Uh! Preacher: WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR?! Congregation: Absolutely nothing. Preacher: SAY IT AGAIN! Brothers and sisters... Last Thursday, during our annual Baptist jihad/barbecue, I was flipping the meatless kosher hydroponically-grown food product on the grill, when a stranger approached me. He asked me, "Why bother? Why bother trying to organise a religion which synthesises all faiths and beliefs? Why bother organising weekly prayer/fiesta/sword dances?" Why bother? But then, I hearkened back to the origin of all our religions, of all our faiths, and I gave unto him the answer; the answer that has sustained all religions can also sustain us. Why bother? Just 'cause! Now before we christen the babies, walk over burning coals, form a human pyramid, and proceed out to the street corners to chant for spare change, I'd like to make a few announcements! Next Sunday is young Mazimoro Kyoto's bar mitzvah/confirmation. We'll be down at the river at sunset, dunking him in the waters, circumcising him with a stick, and chopping off his hands for stealing. So, come on down and wish him well. There will be self-flagellation and coffee served in the Friendship Room afterwards. Mrs. Edmonds? (hymn) Some think he's a rock Or a big cosmic clock Some think he's a bug who just hovered Some think he's a bird An idea or a turd But at least we've got our a**es covered Amen, praise Allah, have a nice day...