The Frantics - Ti Kwan Leep lyrics

Teacher: Approach, students. Close the circle at the feet of the master. You have come to me asking that I be your guide along the path of Ti Kwan Leep. But, be warned: To learn its ways, you must learn the ways of your own soul. Let us meditate upon this wisdom now. So: Aaaaaaooooommm...... Ed Gruberman: Uh, sir! Sir! (oo! oo!) Sir! Teacher: Who disturbs our meditation, as a pebble disturbs the stillness of the pond? Ed Gruberman: Me! Ed Gruberman? Teacher: E-Ed Gruberman? Ed Gruberman: Yeah, uh, no disrespect or nothin', but, like, uh, how long is this gonna take? Teacher: Ti Kwan Leep is not a path to a door, but a road leading forever towards the horizon. Ed Gruberman: So like, what, an hour or so? Teacher: No, no, we have not even begun upon the path. Ed Gruberman, you must learn patience. Ed Gruberman: Yeah yeah yeah, patience. How long will that take? Teacher: Time has no meaning. To a true student, a year is as a day. Ed Gruberman: A YEAR??? I wanna beat people up right now! I got the pajamas! Hah woo yah ooomm! Teacher: "Beat people up"...? Ed Gruberman: Yeah! Just show me all those nifty moves so I can start trashing bozos! That's all I came here for! YO ASTA STA STA!!! Pretty good, eh? Teacher: The only use of Ti Kwan Leep is self-defense. Do you know who said that? Ki Lo Ni, the great teacher. Ed Gruberman: Yeah? Well the best defense is a good offense, you know who said that? Mel, the cook on "Alice". Teacher: No, um...Ti Kwan Leep is the wine of purity, not the vinegar of hostility. Meditate upon this truth with us. Aaaaoooommm... Ed Gruberman: Listen, shrimp! All this f*g talk is really starting to piss me off. Now, are you gonna show me some fancy moves, or am I gonna start wapin' the walls with you? Teacher: Ed Gruberman, you fail to grasp Ti Kwan Leep. Approach me that you might see. Ed Gruberman: All right! Finally some action! Teacher: Observe closely, cla**. Boot to the Head! (SH-ZOOMP!) Ed Gruberman (drunkenly): Owww! You booted me in the head! Teacher: You are lucky, Ed Gruberman. Few novices experience so much of Ti Kwan Leep so soon. Ed Gruberman (quietly, to himself): Ow, oh, my head! Teacher: Now we continue. Aaaaaoooommmm... Ed Gruberman: Hey! Hey, I wasn't ready! Come and get me now shorty, huh? Come on, are ya chicken? Teacher: Boot to the head! (SH-ZOOMP!) Ed Gruberman (again, drunkenly): Oww! Okay, now I'm ready, okay, now, come on, try it now. Teacher: Boot to the head! (SH-ZOOMP!) Ed Gruberman: Mind if I just lie down here for a minute? Teacher: Now cla**, we shall return to our... Student 2: Master? Teacher: It is wrong to tip the vessel of knowledge, student. Student 2: Many apologies, master. But I feel Ed Gruberman is not wholly wrong. Teacher: What do you mean? Student 2: I want to boot some head, too. Teacher: Have you learned nothing from the lesson of Ed Gruberman? Student 2: Yes, master. I have learned two things. First, that anger is a weapon only to one's opponent. Teacher: Very good. Student 2: And secondly, get in the first shot. Boot to the head. (SH-ZOOMP!) Teacher: You missed. Student 2: Uh, yeah. Well... Teacher: You too shall be honored to learn a lesson... Student 2: You don't have to, you know. I-I gotta be going... Teacher: Boot to the head! (SH-ZOOMP!) Student 2 (agonizing pain): Oyyy oy oyyyy.... Oh.... Teacher: Can anyone tell us what lesson has been learned here? Student 3: Uh, yes, master. Not a single one of us could defeat you. Teacher: You gain wisdom, child. Student 3: So we'll hafta gang up on ya! Get 'im guys! (Teacher throws many 'Boot to the head!s' and 'SH-ZOOMP!s'. There are many people groaning in pain.) Teacher: And now cla**, let us rejoin the mind to the body and gaze into the heart of the candle in meditation. Unison: Aaaaaoooommm.... Teacher: Very good, cla**.