Stuart Davis - 1-976-Buy My Love lyrics

It's three a.m. and it's way before dawn I'm watchin' reruns of "Love Boat" with the t.v. on Gopher's got a girl, Doc's got a chick And Captain Stuben's getten' lucky in the upper deck All these Love Boat stories make me wish I had a gal, I'm half drunk and lonely from an evening at the Caledonia My solution arrives when a commercial appears I figure anything will work after thirteen beers The girl on the screen has love and I know I can win it She's waiting to be mine for the bargain price Of just two bucks a minute 1-976-Buy my love, my name is lonely Lisa And I'm thinking of you now 1-976-Buy my love So I took a chance, and I called up lonely Lisa Hoping it'd be worth it, cause I'm over on my Visa When she came on the line I was still a nervous wreck But if they wouldn't take the Visa I was ready with a check 1-976-Buy my love, my name is lonely Lisa And I'm thinking of you now 1-976-Buy my love And then her voice spoke softly, with seductive undertones And hints of pa**ionate romance when she said: "$15 charge on all returned checks, restrictions may apply, no Refunds, not responsible for lost or stolen hearts or souls, Calls prohibited in California, Alaska, and parts of New Jersey, Breasts on the t.v. screen are not to scale, a**embly is required, Batteries not included, some settling may occur during shipping, Check with your Better Business Bureau for liabilities, and 1-976 Buy My Love is not a purveyor of phone s** or a venue for Prostitution, substantial penalty for early withdrawal". I was dumfounded Cause my Lisa wouldn't say that, so I knew it was a trick I demand an explanation "Who the hell are you chick?" She said "My name is Hefty Marge, and I'm as big as a barge. See ya' later s**er, that's a fifty dollar charge". A click and dial tone was all I heard, followed by a message Saying "You're a worthless nerd" 1-976 Get a life, your case is truly hopeless And you'll never have a wife 1-976 Get a life Well, I'm a losin' lover's martyr, it's the niche in life I fill I've lived the sad experience I hope you never will So when Lisa bats her eyes or blinks at you a lash Remember Marge is on the line waitin' for your cash 1-976 Get a clue, I know you think they want you But it's your wallet that they screw 1-976 Get a clue Get a life Shut it off, turn the channel Or go out and rent a VCR