Stephen Sondheim - Please Hello lyrics

[AMERICAN ADMIRAL] (enters bearing documents and a plaque) Please hello, America back, Commodore Perry send hello. Also comes memorial plaque President Fillmore wish bestow. Emperor read our letter? If no, Commodore Perry very sad. Emperor like our letter? If so, Commodore Perry very merry, President Fillmore still more glad. Last time we visit, too short. This time we visit for slow. Last time we come, come with warships, Now with more ships — Say hello! This time request use of port, Port for commercial intention, Harbor with ample dimension. [ABE] But you can't — [AMERICAN ADMIRAL] Only one Little port For a freighter. [ABE] But you can't — [AMERICAN ADMIRAL] Just for fun, Be a sport. [ABE] Maybe later — [AMERICAN ADMIRAL] But we bring many recent invention: Kerosene And cement And a grain Elevator, A machine You can rent Called a "train" — [ABE] — Maybe later — [AMERICAN ADMIRAL] — Also cannon to shoot Big loud salute, Like so: (Explosion) Say hello! (Explosion. Abe takes pen and signs document.) Treaty meet approval? If no, Commodore Perry very fierce. Disregard confusion below: President Fillmore now named Pierce. Good! At last agreement is made, Letter will let us come again. First result of mutual trade: Commodore getting letter letting, Councillor getting fancy pen! Goodbye. (Bows; Abe bows back.) Goodbye. [ABE] Goodbye. (Bows; Admiral bows back.) [AMERICAN ADMIRAL] Goodbye. [ABE] Goodbye. [AMERICAN ADMIRAL] Please goodbye. (Bows; Abe bows back.) [BRITISH ADMIRAL] (appearing suddenly) Hello! [AMERICAN ADMIRAL] (to Abe) Goodbye. (Bows; the British Admiral bows in greeting; Abe is confused, bows halfway between them.) [BRITISH ADMIRAL] Hello, please! [AMERICAN ADMIRAL] Goodbye. (All three bow again.) [BRITISH ADMIRAL] Please Hello, I come with letters from Her Majesty Victoria Who, learning how you're trading now, sang "Hallelujah, Gloria!" And sent me to convey to you her positive euphoria As well as little gifts from Britain's various emporia. (offers a tin of tea to Abe) [ABE] Tea? [BRITISH ADMIRAL] For drink. [ABE] I see. I thank you [BRITISH ADMIRAL] I think Her letters do contain a few proposals to your Emperor Which if, of course, he won't endorse, will put in her in a temper or, More happily, should he agree, will serve to keep her placid, or At least till I am followed by a permanent amba**ador. [RECITER] A treaty port and, from the court, a permanent amba**ador. A treaty port and, from the court, a permanent amba**ador. A treaty port and, from the court, a permanent amba**ador And more. [BRITISH ADMIRAL] Her Majesty considers the arrangements to be tentative Until we ship a proper diplomatic representative. We don't foresee that you will be the least bit argumentative, So please ignore the man-of-war we brought as a preventative. (explosion) [RECITER] Yes, please ignore the man-of-war That's anchored rather near the shore, It's nothing but a metaphor That acts as a preventative. (explosion) [BRITISH ADMIRAL] All clear? Just so. Sign here. [AMERICAN ADMIRAL] Hello, hello, objection resent! President Pierce say "Moment's pause." British get amba**ador sent, President Pierce get extra clause. [DUTCH ADMIRAL] (appearing suddenly) Wait! Please hello! Don't forget the Dutch! Like to keep in touch! Thank you very much! Tell them to go, bu*ton up the lips. What do little Nips Want with battleships? Hold everything! We gonna bring Chocolate! Wouldn' you like to lease A beautiful little piece Of chocolate? Listen, that's not to mention Wonderful — pay attention! — Windmills Und tulips, (gives Abe a tulip) Und wouldn' you like a wooden shoe? (gives Abe documents) There — can you read? Good! We will need Two ports, One of them not to rocky How about Nagasaki? Two ports, One of them for the cocoa What do you call it? — Yoko Hama! Ja! Und Nagasaki! Ja! Sign here! (Dances, making semaphore signals to the sea. Another explosion.) [AMERICAN ADMIRAL] Wait please, objection again! Dutch getting to many seaports. President now wanting three ports [BRITISH ADMIRAL] Great Britain wishes her position clear and indisputable: We're not amused at being used and therefore stand immutable. And though you Japs are foxy chaps and damnably inscrutable — [RUSSIAN ADMIRAL] (appearing suddenly) Please hello … [DUTCH ADMIRAL] Wait please hello! Comes the monkey wrench! Smell that awful stench: Probably the French. [AMERICAN ADMIRAL] — Also insist giving free ports — [BRITISH ADMIRAL] — Reviewing it from where we sit, the facts are irrefutable — [RUSSIAN ADMIRAL] Please hello … [DUTCH ADMIRAL] Ach, nein, of course, My mistake, the Czar. Smell the caviar — Leave the door ajar. [AMERICAN ADMIRAL] — Also want annual reports — [BRITISH ADMIRAL] — And thus, in short, a single port is patently unsuitable! [RUSSIAN ADMIRAL] Please hello, Is bringing Czar's request, Braving snow With letter to protest: Since we know You trading with the West, You might at least (Don't touch the coat!) Start looking East — (thinking about it) — Or closer West — (thinking again) — Well, farther North — (looking around) Are we the fourth? I feel depressed. (Don't touch the coat!) Coming next Is extraterritoriality. Noting text Say "extraterritoriality." You perplexed By "extraterritoriality"? (points) Just noting clause (Don't touch the coat!) Which say your laws Do not apply (Don't touch the coat!) When we drop by — Not getting shot, No matter what: A minor scrape, A major rape, And we escape (Don't touch the cape!) That's what is extraterritoriality. Fair is fair — You wish to vote? What we care You liking what we wrote? (points to sea) Sitting there Is finest fleet afloat. Observing boat? (explosion) Don't touch the coat. (explosion) Just sign the note. [BRITISH ADMIRAL] The British feel these latest dealings verge on immorality. The element of precedent imperils our neutrality. We're rather vexed, your giving extraterritoriality. We must insist you offer this to every nationality! [DUTCH ADMIRAL] We want the same What the Russkies claim! Why you let them came? Dirty rotten shame! [AMERICAN ADMIRAL] U.S.A. extremely upset! President Pierce say solid "No!" [FRENCH ADMIRAL] (appearing suddenly) 'Allo! — Please 'allo! Please 'allo! 'Allo! 'Allo! 'Allo! (blows them all a kiss) I bring word, I bring word From Napoleon ze Third. 'E 'ad 'eard what 'ave occured 'ere From ze little bird! Undeterred, we conferred, Though we felt zat we'd been slurred And ze verdict was he spurred Me 'ere to bring ze word! Would you like to know ze word From Napoleon ze Third? (shoves bundle of papers at Abe) It's détente! Oui, détente! Zat's ze only thing we want! Just détente! Oooh, détente! No agreement could be more fair! Signing pacts, pa**ing acts, Zere's no time for making warfare When you're always busy making wiz ze Mutual détente! (blows another kiss) A détente! A détente Is ze only thing we wish! Same as zem, except additional Ze rights to fish! You'll be paid, you'll be paid And we'll 'ave ze big parade If we somehow can persuade You to accept our aid. (gestures to the sea — tiny explosion) It is not to be afraid … (another one) As we merely wish to trade … (the biggest explosion yet) A détente! Oui, détente! Zat's ze only thing we want! Leave ze grain, leave ze train, Put champagne among your imports! Tell each man zat Japan Can't be bothered giving him ports While she's in a tizzy, Dizzy wiz ze Mutual détente! [ABE] It is late, And I fear — Well, you see, There's a famine … Could you wait For a year? We'll agree to Examine It [FRENCH ADMIRAL] A détente! A détente! Zat's ze only thing we want! (Everybody sings simultaneously, squabbling with each other.) [ABE] (to each in turn) — But lat- Er, I fear. There's a drought And a famine … If you wait For a year, Then no doubt We'll examine It, but we've Had a quake And a flood And a famine … Please believe We will take It to stud- Y, examine It, but please, If you'll wait For a year … There's a famine … [FRENCH ADMIRAL] Just détente! Oooh, détente! No agreement could be more fair! Signing pacts, pa**ing acts, Zere's no time for making warfare. Why discuss, make ze fuss, Since ze West belongs to us? And ze East we have leased for ze French administration. If you want force in ze Norce, Zen we burn ze Dutch legation. [DUTCH ADMIRAL] Wait please hello! Don't forget the Dutch! We want just as much Fishing rights and such! Tell them to go, Otherwise we post Battleships at most Ports along the coast. You can have the West, We will take the rest. [BRITISH ADMIRAL] One moment, please, I think that these a**ure us exclusivity For Western ports and other sorts of maritime activity, And if you mean to intervene, as is the Dutch proclivity, We'll blow you nits to little bits, with suitable festivity. [AMERICAN ADMIRAL] Wait please, hello, West is ours. Wait please, the East is the best coast. We'll trade you two on the West coast. [RUSSIAN ADMIRAL] Please hello, no seaports on the West. United States too near to Czar, Is tempting fates, is go too far — (Don't touch the coat!) [ALL THE ADMIRALS] Ah, détentes! Ah, détentes! They're what everybody wants! You should want a détente — Makes a nation like a brother! We'll be here every year To protect you from each other And to see you aren't Signing foreign Treaties and détentes! Please hello! We must go, But our intercourse will grow Through détente, as détente Brings complete cooperation. By the way, we must say We adore your little nation, And with heavy cannon Wish you an un- Ending please hello!!!