Spongebob Squarepants - Driven to Tears lyrics

Narrator: A very special day in Bikini Bottom!! SpongeBob: I'm ready! [walking up to Mrs. Puff's Boating School with Patrick] I'm ready! I'm ready! Patrick, did you bring my flashcards? Patrick: Right here, buddy. [takes them out of his pocket] Everything you need to pa** the test is on these cards. [eats the cards] Mmm. SpongeBob: No, Patrick! Patrick: Hey, learning tastes good. SpongeBob: Patrick, I needed those. Patrick: Oh, fiddlesticks. You've taken that driving test more times than anyone. SpongeBob: 57 times. Patrick: Well, then 58 is your lucky number. You're gonna pa** that driving test, SpongeBob, because you're a winner. SpongeBob: I'm a winner? Patrick: Who's a winner? SpongeBob: [sadly] I'm a winner. Patrick: Who's a winner? SpongeBob: [cheered up a little] I'm a winner. Patrick: Who's a winner?! SpongeBob: I'm a winner! I'm a winner! I'm a winner! [runs into the cla**room] Narrator: One minute thirty seven seconds later... [SpongeBob walks up crying] Patrick: How'd you do, winner? [crying continues] Let's see that license. SpongeBob: I didn't get a license, Patrick. Patrick: Are they gonna mail it to you? SpongeBob: No, Patrick, I failed the boating test. I guess 58 wasn't my lucky number after all. Patrick: No way! 58 is, like, the luckiest number ever! The test must be rigged. SpongeBob: Let's just go home, Patrick. Patrick: We're not going anywhere until I get to the bottom of this. I'm taking that test, myself. SpongeBob: [hanging onto Patrick's pants] No, Patrick! I've been training for years. They'll eat you alive. [Patrick's pants rip off] Patrick: Please, SpongeBob. I think I know what I'm doing. SpongeBob: No, Patrick. No! Mrs. Puff: [Patrick walks up to the boat she is sitting in and gets in it, in his underwear] Good morning. Patrick: You're not the judge of me. Mrs. Puff: Actually, I am. Let the testing begin! [clicks pen. Scene cuts to SpongeBob, outside the boating school] SpongeBob: I shouldn't have let him do it. What kind of friend am I? Patrick: SpongeBob! SpongeBob! SpongeBob: I'm here for you, buddy. Patrick: I pa**ed my test! SpongeBob: You got a perfect score? Patrick: Yeah, I thought you said it was hard. SpongeBob: Perfect score. [eye twitches] Patrick: Come on, I'm gonna get my picture taken for my new license. [scene cuts to the license registration building] Miss Shell: Stand behind the line, sir. Patrick: [smiling] How do I look? SpongeBob: [sarcastically] Like a winner. Miss Shell: Ready? Patrick: Ready. [banner comes down which says "CONGRATULATIONS" on it. Balloons and confetti fall] SpongeBob: Huh? Fish: Congratulations, Mr. Star. You're the one millionth person to pa** the test. Patrick: Does that mean I get a free key chain? Fish: Uhh, no. Patrick: Oh. Fish: You get a brand-new boat mobile. The new Ba** Blaster 3000. The ultimate boating machine. Patrick: Yeah! All right! Fish: Women will want you. [all faint] Men will want to be you. [all sigh] You'll be the envy of your friends. [SpongeBob groans] Patrick: Isn't this great? I got my license and a new boat. SpongeBob: I'm so happy for you... ["La Cucaracha" horn blows in his face] Whoa! Patrick: The horn works. [scene cuts to Patrick driving his new boat down the road] Whoo! This is the greatest day ever. Right, SpongeBob? SpongeBob: Right, Patrick. I can't think of one thing that would make this day better. Except maybe getting my license. Patrick: Maybe if you apply yourself you could be the two millionth person to get his license. SpongeBob: Two millionth? Patrick: Then you can get a free boat just like me. SpongeBob: Yeah, just like you. Patrick: I try to serve as an inspiration to others. SpongeBob: Can we go home now? [zoom out and scene shows Patrick driving around his rock over and over] We've been driving around your house for hours. Patrick: I know. It's a lot faster than walking, isn't it? SpongeBob: Thanks for the ride, Patrick. Patrick: No problem, buddy. You can't help being a...pedestrian. [shudders then drives off. SpongeBob imitates Patrick. Scene cuts to SpongeBob in bed asleep. His clock turns to 3:00am when an engine revving is heard which sends SpongeBob into his diving board then back into his bed] SpongeBob: Patrick, what are you doing? Patrick: I'm trying to work on my boat mobile. Now could you keep it down? It's 3:00 in the morning, people are trying to sleep. [SpongeBob groans and shuts his window then goes back to bed. Scene cuts to 4:00am] SpongeBob: 4:00? [yawns. Doorbell rings] Who could be at the door at this hou-- [falls down the stairs. Opens the door] Now what is it, Patrick? Patrick: You will never guess what happen to me today. SpongeBob: You got your license. Patrick: Yeah! [shows his license] But that's not all. SpongeBob: You got a new boat. Patrick: Yeah. Have you been following me? You know, you need to get your own life. [walks off] SpongeBob: [gets back into bed] Oh...I just need a few minutes sleep. [foghorn alarm blows] Gary: Meow. SpongeBob: Yes, Gary, I saw his new boat. [scene cuts to morning where SpongeBob is leaving home to go to work] I'm so tired. [horn honks] Patrick: Hey, buddy. Need a ride to work? SpongeBob: Thanks, Patrick, but I'd rather walk to work. [tries to take a step but falls down in the process. Scene cuts to Patrick driving SpongeBob to the Krusty Krab] Patrick: Boy, I never realized how empty life is without a license. SpongeBob: Thanks for the ride. Patrick: No problem, buddy. You can give me rides once you get your license. I mean, if you get your license. [SpongeBob is getting very angry] SpongeBob: That's it. I am through driving around with Patrick. If I have to see one more boat mobile... Mr. Krabs: SpongeBob, you're manning the drive-thru. SpongeBob: When did we get a drive-thru? Mr. Krabs: I realized there's a lot of young people on the go these days. They don't have time to sit down and eat. They're too busy out on the open road living their dreams. SpongeBob: I used to have a dream. Mr. Krabs: Yeah? I used to have a kidney stone. Everything pa**es eventually. Now stop dreaming and work for a living. SpongeBob: [through headphones] Welcome to the Krusty Krab, may I -- ["La Cucaracha" horn honks] Patrick: The horn still works. [scene cuts to SpongeBob switching the OPEN sign to CLOSED then walking out of work. Patrick drives up in a racing uniform] Hey, SpongeBob. SpongeBob: What's with the helmet, Patrick? Patrick: Well, since I'm now an expert driver, I have to keep up my image. [clicks tongue] SpongeBob: Uh-huh. [scene cuts to Patrick driving] Patrick: Boy, driving is so easy. SpongeBob: Oh? Patrick: Do you want me to give you lessons? SpongeBob: [sarcastic] Oh, that would be great. Patrick: Oh! [drives over to SpongeBob's parents] SpongeBob: Patrick! Patrick: Hi, mommy. Hi, daddy. Mr. SquarePants: Patrick, how many times do we have to tell you we're SpongeBob's mom and dad, not yours? Patrick: What? I'm an orphan? Oh, but guess what? I pa**ed my driver's test. Mrs. SquarePants: That's great, Patrick. Patrick: SpongeBob failed his test, so don't mention it. Mrs. SquarePants: Oh, we know how to stay clear of that minefield. SpongeBob: Mom! Patrick: Well, I've got to take Mr. Walks-a-lot back home. He's always asking for rides. SpongeBob: Hey. [Patrick drives off] Mr. SquarePants: Even Patrick has a license. [both parents sigh] Patrick: Let's see what this baby can do. [steps on the gas. Ride pa** a sign that reads 'SPEED LIMIT 40 MPH'] SpongeBob: Patrick, the speed limit is 40mph. Patrick: Yeah, yeah. SpongeBob: [reads the speedometer] 40.5mph? That's almost 41mph. He's speeding. Patrick! Stop this car. [car stops next to a policeman] Patrick: What? Where? Who? SpongeBob: Officer, it is my civilian duty to report that the the driver of this vehicle is speeding. Why don't you clock him with your radar gun? Officer: Umm...ok. [uses radar gun. It reads 0mph] Actually, he's going 40mph under the limit. So, move along before I run you in, tattletale. [drives off] SpongeBob: Are you sure you don't want to run him in? [scene cuts to Patrick driving. Green light turns red] It's a red light, Patrick! [Patrick runs through red lights] Patrick, you just ran 3 red lights! Patrick: So? SpongeBob: You're suppose to stop! Patrick: I think the driving genius knows what he's doing! SpongeBob: [finally snaps] Driving genius?! Why would a genius make an illegal u-turn... through an orphanage?! Patrick: They ran for it in time. What are you so mad about? SpongeBob: I should've gotten that license, and this should be my boat mobile! Patrick: How can you say that?! If you were my friend, you'd be happy for me getting my license! SpongeBob: If you were my friend, you wouldn't rub your license in my face! Patrick: I'm not rubbing my license in your face! This is rubbing my license in your face! [takes out license and rubs it in SpongeBob's face, which makes muffled noises] SpongeBob: Oh, give me that! I worked my whole life for this! You don't deserve this! [tears up Patrick's license then laughs. The pieces of the license fly into the officers hands] Officer: Huh, litterbugs. This is why I joined the force. [drives off after SpongeBob & Patrick] SpongeBob & Patrick: It's the police! Officer: [over speaker] Pull it over, litterbug! Patrick: Litterbug?! No! [drives faster] Officer: Ooh, I got me a runner. [a bunch of police cars are following him] SpongeBob: Patrick, what do you think you're doing? Patrick: I don't know! I don't have a license anymore. [drives around cards, through a sign then off a cliff into the front lot of the Bikini Bottom Jail. Scene cuts to courtroom] Judge: 90 days. I hope you learned a valuable lesson about littering. Patrick: So long, buddy. Don't forget to feed Gary. Sometimes you forget to feed him. SpongeBob: What have I done? Patrick can't survive in prison. He's too soft. Wait! [runs up to the judge] Patrick's innocent. I tore up Patrick's license and threw it out the window. I'm the litterbug. Take me instead. Judge: Well, considering there's no legal precedent...oh, what the heck. 90 days! [SpongeBob is put in jail] Narrator: One debt to society later... [door buzzes. SpongeBob is let go out of jail where Patrick is waiting for him] SpongeBob: Patrick! Patrick: SpongeBob! [both hug] SpongeBob: I'm glad you pa**ed the test. I'm glad you have a license. And to prove it, I made you this: Pals 4 Ever. [shows him a license plate that reads "PALS 4 EVER"] Let's put it on your boat mobile, buddy. Patrick: Oh, I don't have a boat mobile anymore. SpongeBob: What? Patrick: It stopped working so I threw it away. The needle was on E and I figured that must mean end. SpongeBob: Oh, then what do we do with this? [Patrick takes it and puts it on his behind] Patrick: How's that? SpongeBob: Yeah! Patrick: Ready, buddy? SpongeBob: Ready, pal. [hops on Patrick's shoulders and makes car noises] Whoo! Whoo!