South Park - Erection Day lyrics

[South Park Elementary, day. The school bell rings] COUNSELOR MACKEY: N'kay, kids, as your counselor, I know it can sometimes be difficult to talk about subjects like d** and s** and alcohol, m'kay? So, as you remember, last week I told you to write down any difficult questions you had and put them in this box anonymously so we could discuss in cla**, m'kay? I got a lot o' responses, so let's read some aloud. "Mr. Mackey is gay." Okay kids, that is not funny! Unkay?! This box is supposed to be used for serious questions! About, about serious issues! M'kay, let's let's stop the tomfoolery! M'kay, this looks like a real one here. "Dear Mr. Mackey, you are gay." All right, all right. That's enough, kids. Let's quiet down and try to be mature, 'kay? Uh here we go. Okay, "Mr. Mackey, sometimes my parents hit me, and you are gay." Damnit, is there not one serious question in here?! "Mr. Mackey is gay, Mr. Mackey is gay" Okay, here. I am a boy at South Park Elementary. Sometimes, when I'm sitting in cla**, my penis becomes hard for no reason. What should I do? All right kids, all right kids, that's enough! If you all can't be serious about the question box, then we'll just do drug identification exercises, unkay?! CLASS: Awwwww! COUNSELOR MACKEY: M'kay, uhh, Jimmy, why don't you come up here and write down the names of two narcotics? JIMMY: Uh no, that that's okay, Mr. Mackey. COUNSELOR MACKEY: Jimmy, I'm not asking you, I'm telling you! JIMMY: Uhhh, just uh uh ahh not right this second, Mr. Mackey. COUNSELOR MACKEY: Well why the hell not?! JIMMY: Uh... COUNSELOR MACKEY: He's what... Oh, you do? R r right now, right now it is? on'kay, on'kay. Don't worry, Jimmy. N'kay, uhhh, let's pick someone else, um. Eric, why don't you come up here? CARTMAN: Hey, that's bullcrap?! How come Jimmy doesn't have to do it?! COUNSELOR MACKEY: Well, because uh, Jimmy is pitching a tent right now. STAN: He's what?? [South Park Elementary hallway. Kids milling around notice a poster on the pegboard among the lockers and talk amongst themselves.] STAN: A hundred dollar gift certificate to South Park Mall? Maybe we should do the talent show. KYLE: Well, what's the point? Jimmy always wins with his stand-up comedy. JIMMY: Hey fellas. STAN: Dude, didja see, Jimmy? They're giving away a hundred dollar first prize for the talent show. JIMMY: Oh I sure have. I've been working on my ruh... ruh,,, routine all year long KYLE: I don't know how you do it, dude. How do you get up in front of that many people? JIMMY: Well fellas, entertainment is my life. I love being in front of everyone. Aaah! KYLE: Huh wuh, what's the matter? JIMMY: I gotta guh, I gotta go! See ya fellas. Eh, excuse me! Evuh evuh - excuh, cuh, cuse me! Excuse me, puh-please. CRAIG: It's occupied. CARTMAN: No room at the inn, Virgin Mary. bu*tERS: Hehey Jimmy! M'boy, did you see that first prize for the talent show? Why you must be excited! You'll probably win like always. JIMMY: Yeah. Yeah, I'm real excited. REAL escited... for some reason... Oh, Jesus! What's wrong with me? bu*tERS: Hey, who's droppin' bombs in there?! How about a courtesy flush?! CARTMAN: Up yours, bu*ters. [Jimmy's house, afternoon. Jimmy walks through the door and sighs. His parents are on the sofa. His mom reads a book, his dad a newspaper] SARAH: Hey Jimmy, how was school? JIMMY: Fine, Mom. RYAN: Jimmy, we understand you're getting erections in the cla**room. JIMMY: What? Uh who told you that? RYAN: Mr. Mackey, your counselor. JIMMY: Aw J-j-j-j...j-Jesus! RYAN: Now, Jimmy, it's nothing to be ashamed of. But we know it's something you might have a hard time talking about. Get it? A hard time. So, we took your counselor's advice 'nd called Doctor Pal to help us all talk about this. JIMMY: Dz-n-Doctor Pal? DOCTOR PAL: Hey Jimmy, I'm Doctor Pal. That's because I'm a doctor, but I'm also your pal. Are we cool? JIMMY: Uh, sure? DOCTOR PAL: A lot of times parents call me in because I can relate to younger kids. I'm I'm down, I'm dope, you dig? Now, I understand you have some concerns about erections. "Oops, can't say erection in front of the parents right. Oh God, I feel so weird" huh? JIMMY: Well, a little, yes. DOCTOR PAL: Jimmy, there's nothing weird about random erections. Almost every boy goes through a phase where his penis becomes hard... for no particular reason. It's just part of grwoing up. Growing up? Growing out is more like it. JIMMY: But I have to make it stop! The talent show is this F-Friday. DOCTOR PAL: Tell you what, Mom and Dad, why don't you skidaddle for a tick and let us hipsters talk in privo. RYAN: A-all right, come on, honey. DOCTOR PAL: Jimmy, as you get older your body goes through a lot of changes. Certain hormones start to release as your whole reproductive system begins to awaken, and so, if you like, we can take off our shirts and kiss. JIMMY: Ke...c-come again? DOCTOR PAL: Oh, hey, nothin', you see? See, that set you off on a different tangent, got you thinkin' a different way. That's what Doctor Pal is here to do. Unless, of course, you think we should take off our shirts and kiss. JIMMY: N-no, I do NOT want to take off my shirt and kiss DOCTOR PAL: Well then to hell with you, kid. You can just deal with your problems on your own. [Jimmy's house, night. He's fast asleep, and we see his dream] ANNOUNCER: Next up for the talent show, put your hands together for the incredibly talented Jimmy Valmer! JIMMY: Wow, what a what a great audience. So apparently Martha Stewart is out of jail. Have you have you heard about this, have you seen this? She's very excited to get started on her new show, "Martha Stewart Living, with an electronic ankle bracelet." So it looks like the Vatican has finally chosen a new Pope. Have you seen this, have you heard about this? A-a-apparently they're going to call him New Pope, a-and refer to John Paul as P-Pope Cla**ic. Uh,.. so it so it looks like Michael Jackson is having back problem in court. You know... huh... you uh you know what they say about b-b-b-b-back problems. Uh, uh gee, what a terrific audience. What a fantastic audience. MRS. GARRISON: Don't worry, Jimmy. We're not laughing with you, we're laughing AT you. JIMMY: Nuh uh! Wuh. Huh. Waaagh! Ungh! [bu*ters' house, day. He's practicing his favorite song in the garage with some help from his boom box. Jimmy approaches] bu*tERS: Lu Lu Lu, I've got some apples, Lu Lu Lu, you've got some too. Lu Lu Lu, let's get together, I know what we can do, Lu Lu. JIMMY: bu*ters! bu*tERS: Oh! Oh hey, Jimmy. I'm just practicin' for the talent show. JIMMY: bu*ters, ah I really need to talk to somebody, and I think maybe you're the only person who won't make f-f-fun of me. bu*tERS: Oh Gosh, I'd never make fun of somebody with a problem. JIMMY: bu*ters, do you know what you're supposed to do when your penis gets hard? bu*tERS: Well sure I do. JIMMY: Really?? bu*tERS: Yes, now sit down, Jimmy, we should have a little talk. You see, Jimmy, when a man's penis becomes hard, the man puts it into a lady. Into her "vagiiina." Then, the hard penis sneezes milk inside the lady's tummy, and after it's all done sneezin' milk.thepenis stops bein' hard, and the man loses interest in the lady. JIMMY: So, when your penis becomes hard, you're supposed to put in in a lady's vagina. And then it stops being hard? bu*tERS: That's right, Jimmy. JIMMY: But where am I going to find a lady to stick my penis in? The talent show is this Friday. [South Park Elementary, day. The kids visit their lockers to change books.] GIRL: Talk to you, Bertha. BERTHA: Okay, see you later, Jessie. JIMMY: Hey Bertha. BERTHA: Oh, hey Jimmy. What's goin' on? JIMMY: Well Bertha, I was wondering if I could stick my penis in your vagina? BERTHA: What?? No way! JIMMY: But the talent show is tomorrow! Ooo! BERTHA: Jerk! CARTMAN: Jimmy, Jimmy, what the hell are you doing, man? JIMMY: I'm trying to get laid. What's it look like? CARTMAN: Dude, you don't just go up to a girl and ask her if you can stick your penis in her vagina. Ye-you have to ask her on a date, take her out for some Italian food. JIMMY: Wow, seems like you know a lot about this stuff, Eric. Have you gotten laid before? CARTMAN: Sure, lots of times. I've been laid, like, five thousand times. JIMMY: Well, wha-what do I do? CARTMAN: I told you: a date and then Italian food. And then you gotta make her thnk you're a good listener. JIMMY: Eric, I can't tell you why, but it's very important that I score to-night! Can you come on the date and help me? You're like a white... Hitch. CARTMAN: Why sure, they do this all the time in movies and TV shows. You go on the date and wear an earpiece, and I'll be nearby, secretly telling you all the right things to say. JIMMY: Wow! Thanks, Eric. [A house, night. A woman is reading a book on her sofa. The doorbell rings.] MOM: Shawna honey, I think your little date is here. SHAWNA: Okay, Mom. JIMMY: Hey Shawna. SHAWNA: Hi Jimmy. CARTMAN: Okay Jimmy. First off, tell her how good she looks. JIMMY: Wow, Shawna, you look fantastic. SHAWNA: Thanks, Jimmy. Where are we going? JIMMY: We're going to an authentic Italian restaurant, Buca de f*gghecini [Buca de f*gghecini, dinnertime. Jimmy and Shawna wait for service at their table] WAITER: Welcome to Buca de f*gghecini for the authentico experience Italiano. My name is Roma. Can I start you out with some lotsa pasta macaroni minis? JIMMY: Uh, I think we're gonna try your authentic pizzareli ca**erona poppers WAITER: Right away. SHAWNA: You know that girl Sally Rauman at our school? I can't stand her. CARTMAN: Jimmy! Jimmy! Jimmy, even though what she's saying now isn't interesting at all, you say, "Wow, that is very interesting. Please tell me more." JIMMY: Wow, that is very interesting. Please tell me more. SHAWNA: Really? Well, Kelligan bought the same purse and I was like, "No WAY do I want it now!" because who wants a purse that both their best friends have, right? And so- CARTMAN: All right, when she stops yappin' again, say "Wow, I've never thought of it that way before, but you're right." SHAWNA: -I guess that's why I figured, "Who needs friends like that?" JIMMY: Wow, I've never thought of it that way before, but you're right. SHAWNA: It's like I told Debbie: "If you're gonna go out with my friends-" CARTMAN: All right Jimmy, when she finally shuts her trap again, I want you to repeat whatever she said, and then follow it with "Wow, how insightful." SHAWNA: "And so if you're gonna be that way, I don't need to be your friend." JIMMY: "if you're gonna be that way, I don't need to be your friend." Wow, how insightful. SHAWNA: You know, Jimmy, you are a great listener. JIMMY: Really? SHAWNA: Yeah. I mean, no other boys really communicate like you do. JIMMY: Oh, I'm so glad you think so, Shawna, because I really wanna stick my penis in your vagina. CARTMAN: Yes, nice, Jimmy, very nice. SHAWNA: ...What??? I'm not doing that! JIMMY: But the talent show is tomorrow night! SHAWNA: Creep! CARTMAN: Aaagh! [South Park Elementary, next evening. The gym is set up for the talent show and the whole school is there. Well, most of the school...] MRS. GARRISON: Welcome students and parents to the annual South Park Elementary Talent Show! We have a lot of little talneted performers to get through, so the quicker you shut up, the quicker this will be over! Okay, first up we have Billy Turner, from the third grade, who will be doing an alto sax solo. [South Park Elementary, out on the front curb. Jimmy sits there subbing. Officer Barbrady's police car rolls gently towards him and stops. The driver door opens and Officer Barbrady comes into view.] OFFICER BARBRADY: Jimmy? Jimmy Valmer? JIMMY: Oh... Hi, Officer B b-b-buh b-b-buh b-Barbrady. OFFICER BARBRADY: Jimmy, what are you doing here? The talent show is inside. JIMMY: I'm... not gonna perform in the talent show. OFFICER BARBRADY: Not perform? But Jimmy, you love talent shows. Everyone in town knows that. JIMMY: I just c-can't risk getting up in front of everyone. OFFICER BARBRADY: Why? JIMMY: All right! I I keep getting an erection for no reason! Okay! But I can't get any of the girls here to let me... do it to them. OFFICER BARBRADY: Well of course not, Jimmy. LIttle girls don't wanna have s**. JIMMY: Then why does God make it so that my penis gets hard if girls don't wanna have it in their vaginas? It's like a cruel joke. OFFICER BARBRADY: Well, Jimmy, the girls here are young and pure. They're not like the ladies down at Colfax Point. JIMMY: ...Colfax Point? OFFICER BARBRADY: Well yeah, those women will have s** with anybody. JIMMY: Really? M-maybe I can catch the bus ...and get down there before the talent show ends. Th-thanks, Officer Barbrady! OFFICER BARBRADY: You're welcome, Jim. Wait... [Colfax Point, in the red-light district of town, night. Cars roll by as obese prostitutes try to get customers. Shapely prostitutes try as well when the obese ones are denied. A black women wearing knee-high boots walks down the street towards the camera. She has brilliant red hair, black vest and boots, and cheetah-print shorts] VOICE-OVER: Colfax Point. Pimps and hos and tricks in rows Women walk the street with corns on their feet Broken dreams and no ice creams [a car stops in front of a woman built like a brick mansion] HO: You lookin' for a date? JIMMY: Hello? Hello? I need to put my ...p-penis in a woman's vagina. Any takers? Excuse me, ma'am. What's your name? PROSTITUTE: They call me Nut Gobbler. JIMMY: Well, Nut Gobbler, I need to get laid. NUT GOBBLER: Huh?? JIMMY: I have a raging hard-on that just won't quit, and the talent show has already started. NUT GOBBLER: You a cop? JIMMY: No. Actually, I'm a stand-up comic. NUT GOBBLER: You got money? JIMMY: Sure do. NUT GOBBLER: All right, you got a place to go? JIMMY: Sure. I know the p-perfect place. [Buca de f*gghecini, moments later. The waitier arrives] ROMA: Welcome to Buca de f*gghecini for the authentic experienso Italiano. My name is Roma, and uhhh Oh, it's so nice to see you again, Mr. Valmer. JIMMY: Hey, can it, jacka**! I just don't want them to know I was here with a different girl. ROMA: Oh right, pardone, segnore. I'll come back with some garlic bread mediterraneane. NUT GOBBLER: What are we doin' anyway? JIMMY: This is authentic Italian food straight from S-Sicily. You should try the Lotsa Mozzarella Pizza Roll. NUT GOBBLER: I can't eat too much, I'lve got an infected urinary tract. I've been pissin' blood for a week. JIMMY: Oh, uh, wow, that is very interesting. Please tell me more. NUT GOBBLER: Huh? Well, that's it, I just pissed blood! So I have to stick a tampon up my peehole. JIMMY: Wow. You know, I've never thought of it that way before, but you're right. If you're pissing blood, you can shuve a tampon up your peehole. You are very insightful. Please tell me more. NUT GOBBLER: Look, kid, what are you doin'?! You wanna get laid or not? JIMMY: Well of couse I wanna get laid. That's why I'm taking you to this ...fancy place and pretending to be interested in what you have to say.. NUT GOBBLER: Kid, I'm a hooker. You don't have to take me to dinner OR be nice to me. JIMMY: What? Fo, for real? NUT GOBBLER: You paid me, so you get to do me. It's that simple. JIMMY: Well jumpin' Jesus, what are we wasting our time here for then? The talent show is happening right now! Let's get to r-r-rammin'! PIMP: What are you doin', ho?! Havin' dinner?! You're supposed to be workin' for me! NUT GOBBLER: It's where the trick wanted to go, you ba*tard! PIMP: Trick?! I ain't stupid! Ain't no trick gonna take you out to dinner! This PIMP is tryin' to steal you away from me! This is MY ho! JIMMY: I beg to differ with you, sir. I paid for her and took her out to dinner. She's my ho! NUT GOBBLER: Uh Jesus. PIMP: You got a problem, b**h?! JIMMY: Yes, I do have a problem, as a matter of fact! I've spent all my money on this ho, and she's now my only shot at getting laid, and the talent show is only a couple of hours from being over. PIMP: You're comin' home right now! NUT GOBBLER: Agh! Let go of my hair, you son of a b**h! JIMMY: Sir, sir, that is my ho! PIMP: I'm gonna kick your a**, ho! JIMMY: Sir, sir! [South Park Elementary Talent Show, now in progress. A student sings Journey's "Open Arms" badly] STAN: Woof. [Buca de f*gghecini, outside. The pimp drives off with Nut Gobbler, and Jimmy just steps out the front doors] JIMMY: Son of a ...b-b**h! Taxi! Follow that pimp and ho! [The pimp's car] NUT GOBBLER Where are you taking me?! PIMP I'm gonna k** you, ho! NUT GOBBLER No! Please! Chewmoney! I'm sorry! CHEWMONEY You're already dead, ho! JIMMY: Sir! I paid for that lady, and by taking her, you are no better than a common th-thief! CHEWMONEY: f** you, punk! JIMMY: Nut Gobbler, grab onto my crutch! CHEWMONEY: Get your a** back in here, ho! NUT GOBBLER: Aaaah! JIMMY: I got you, Nut Gobbler! [South Park Elementary Talent Show, now in progress. The Goth kids are now onstage. The Red Goth and Henrietta are on guitars, and the Kindergarten Goth is on drums. The Tall Goth sings] TALL GOTH: No no nono no, I'm not gonna be in the talent show. Oh no no nono no. I'll never be in your f*ggy talent show. [the song ends and they walk offstage. Some applause for them comes up from the audience] MRS. GARRISON: Okay, that was the Goth kids with "Talent Shows Are For f*gs" TALL GOTH: That was k**er. We showed them. RED GOTH: Yeah, I hope we win. [The streets of South Park, night. The two cars are still racing down the streets with Nut Gobbler splits between them. She's screaming from the pain] JIMMY: Come on, ho! CABBIE: Look out! MOTORCYCLIST: Daww? NUT GOBBLER: Aah?? NO! JIMMY: Eugh! Stay on him! I'm not giving up! [South Park Elementary Talent Show, now in progress. A magic act ends as the a**istant steps out of a box] KID MAGICIAN: Tada! MRS. GARRISON: Okay, very nice, Clark and Laura. Very nice. Our next act is bu*ters, who will be singing a song STEPHEN: There's our boy. bu*tERS: Lu lu lu, I'vw got some... some... uh, some uh... some, uh... uuuhhh... Oh no! No no noho noo! MRS. GARRISON: Okay, thank you bu*ters, very nice, short and sweet. [The streets of South Park, night. The two cars are now bumping each other off.] CHEWMONEY: Goddamn, this pimp just won't give up! JIMMY: Get close to him! How much do I owe you? CABBIE: Six dollars and twenty-four cents. JIMMY: C-can I just get two back, please? CABBIE: Oh, thank you very much. There you go. Have a good 'n. JIMMY: Thank you. CHEWMONEY: You're gonna pay for this, b**h! NUT GOBBLER: No! Heelllp!! Haaaaaaaaaa!! JIMMY: Don't worry, Nut Gobbler! I'm coming! Oh Jesus, not now. Oh boy, this is embara**ing. [South Park Elementary Talent Show, now in progress. A magic act ends as the a**istant steps out of a box] MRS. GARRISON: And now we have Eric Cartman, who will be doing select readings from the movie, Scarface. CARTMAN: D'you know what you are? You're all a bunch of f**ing co*k roaches! You need people like me! You need people like me so you can point your f**ing finger and say "That's the bad guy!" Well say goodnight to the bad guy!! LIANE: That's my little boy. [Colfax Point, night. On the rooftop of the building, Chewmoney has Nut Gobbler on her knees and is ready to shoot her dead.] NUT GOBBLER: Please, Chewmoney! Don't do this! CHEWMONEY: I told you never to turn on me, ho! JIMMY: Hey, j-j-jacka**! I'm sorry I resorted to calling you jacka** just now, but I'm very upset! CHEWMONEY: And what are you gonna do, huh?! I've got four feet on you AND a gun! What do you have?! JIMMY: What do I have? The weapon of comedy. So apparently the Chinese and the Japanese aren't getting along lately. Have you seen this? Have you heard about this? CHEWMONEY: What?! JIMMY: I'll tell you one thing: their food hasn't been getting along with my stomach for years. CHEWMONEY: That's pretty good. JIMMY:: Martha Stewart is out of jail. Have you seen this? Have you heard about this? CHEWMONEY: Oh yeah. That's right, she is. JIMMY: She's apparently gotten real good with baking cakes with keys in them. NUT GOBBLER: Serves you right, you son of a b**h! JIMMY: Nice teamwork, Nut Gobbler. GOBBLER: I can't believe you chased me all this way. You, you really care about me. JIMMY: Not really. You're just a hooker, and I need to get laid. The talent show could be over any minute. GOBBLER: That's good enough for me. Take me to bed. [South Park Elementary Talent Show, now in progress. Ike is onstage singing "Yankee Doodle Boy"] IKE: I have a Yankee Doodle sweetheart, She's my Yankee Doodle girl. [holds up some sparklers] 'Ankee Doodle came to London, Just to ride the ponies, [throws them off and gets inside a small cannon next to him. The barrel rises until it's in launch pisition] I am da Yankee Doodle I am da Yankee Doodle I am da Yankee Doodle boy. [The cannon shoots him out and he lands clear across the stage. Some applause greets the performance. As the props are taken away, Ike takes off his hat and bows low to everyone, then puts on his top hat and walks off] MRS. GARRISON: Okay, very nice, Ike, thank you. All right, children, it looks like we have no more contestants, which means, the Talent Show is over! PRINCIPAL VICTORIA: Mr. Mackey, it's over. COUNSELOR MACKEY: Huh? Oh oh oh, right. MRS. GARRISON: Now we will tally up the judges' scores and find out which act they hated the least. JIMMY: Hold everything! Mrs. Garrison, if you don't mind, I'll be taking that microphone.. Okay, let's put our hands together for Jimmy Valmer. Wow, what a terrific audience. So apparently it's been exactly two years since the fall of Baghdad. Have you seen this? Have you heard about this? Just as B-Bush predicted, Baghdad fell, Iraq fell, Saddam fell. The only thing that didn't fall was ...the price of gas. I just read in the paper that China's protesting Japan. Have you seen this? Have you heard about this? Yeah, I guess in China you don't get to- You've gotta be kidding me.