Shane Hawley - In Restaurants lyrics

To the hipster couple spooning in the corner booth Put your f**ing shoes on This is not your living room And no one wants to see you force your tongues Through each other's spacers To the couple with five kids under the age of nine Plus one on the way Stop having babies But if you insist on having babies Stop bringing them to my restaurant to grind an entire box of cheerios Into the carpet while you smile and pretend I'm not the one who has to clean this sh** up To the fat guy who just sh** all over our bathroom Really dude? Really? To the old women who have complained about everything The music is this loud because you're in a bar The co*ktails are so expensive because prices have gone up Since you started drinking in 1933 It's so cold in here because you're dying And that's what it feels like To the young woman crying softly at the center table We're all staring Please, take your steak knife And drive it through the outstretched palm Of the boy across from you Otherwise, everyone in this restaurant will watch him leave you He will smile coldly Wish you well And walk out the door without paying the bill Do not let this happen Dump your drink in his lap And shatter the pint gla** against the side of his face Hands heal Pride does not Do not give him the courtesy of believing this doesn't hurt Freak out Like his words are spider colony erupting out of his mouth Freak out Like you're a hipster who just discovered we don't serve PBR here Freak out Like you're a couple with too many kids who all started choking simultaneously on cheerios Freak out Like a fat guy just sh** all over your bathroom Freak out Like you're an old woman who discovered too late that the chardonnay you've been drinking is eleven dollars a gla**… And poison Freak out Because your ex-boyfriend is a coward Who brought you to a sh**ty restaurant to tell you He no longer loves you Because he learned from some scene in some movie That you make less of a scene That your shame would keep you quiet That our stares would make this easier on him Prove him wrong Light the table on fire Shatter his teeth with your dinner plate Grab him and drag him screaming into the kitchen Press his hands up against the heat lamp You are worth more than the fifteen minutes he spent embarra**ing you tonight Make him remember Badly The day he left you And maybe next time When he finds himself reaching across the table For a woman he no longer loves He'll remember There are some things you just don't do In restaurants