Seinfeld - The Serenity Now Script lyrics

THE COSTANZAS ARE DRIVING IN THE CAR. FRANK: I got no leg room back here. Move your seat forward. ESTELLE: That's as far as it goes. FRANK: There's a mechanism. You just pull it, and throw your body weight. ESTELLE: I pulled it. It doesn't go. FRANK: If you want the leg room, say you want the leg room! Don't blame the mechanism! GEORGE: All right, Dad, we're five blocks from the house. Sit sideways. FRANK: Like an animal. Because of her, I have to sit here like an animal! Serenity now! Serenity now! GEORGE: What is that? FRANK: Doctor gave me a relaxation ca**ette. When my blood pressure gets too high, the man on the tape tells me to say, 'Serenity now!' GEORGE: Are you supposed to yell it? FRANK: The man on the tape wasn't specific. GEORGE: What happened to the screen door? It blew off again? ESTELLE: I told you to fix that thing. FRANK: Serenity nowww! INT. MONK'S CAFE PATTY: So I told Bobby and Lisa that we'd try the new Chinese Spanish place La Caridad on Saturday. JERRY: Oh, I thought we had tickets for the Knicks home opener. PATTY: Well I thought this would be more fun so I gave the tickets away. JERRY: What? All right, fine. PATTY: Are you mad at me? JERRY: No, I love a good Chinese Spanish whatever it is. PATTY: You know... I've never seen you mad. JERRY: I get peeved. PATTY: Mad. JERRY: Miffed. PATTY: *Mad*. JERRY: Irked? PATTY: I'd like to see you get *really* mad. GEORGE: Why does she want you to be mad? JERRY: She says I suppress my emotions. GEORGE: So what do you care what she thinks. JERRY: Good body. GEORGE: She probably gets that impression because you're cool. You're under control. Like me. Nothing wrong with that. JERRY: But I get upset, I've yelled. You've heard me yell. GEORGE: Not really. Your voice kind of raises to this comedic pitch. (Kramer enters) KRAMER: Hey. JERRY: Kramer, I am so sick of you comin' in here and eatin' all my food. Now shut that door and get the hell out of here! KRAMER: (Laughing) What is that, a new bit? GEORGE: I told ya. Hey, any of you guys want to come out and help me fix my father's screen door in Queens? JERRY: Sorry, I'm fixing a screen door in the Bronx. KRAMER: I'll do it. GEORGE: Really? You wanna come? KRAMER: Yeah, I love going to the country. ELAINE: Where are they goin'? JERRY: Fix a screen door in Queens. ELAINE: (Laughing) That's funny. Hey, listen, what are you doin' Saturday night? JERRY: Not goin' to the Knick game. ELAINE: I need someone to go with me to Mr. Lippman's son's Bar Mitzvah. JERRY: You know, if you don't bring a guest they save a catering. You should be able to buy a cheaper gift. ELAINE: (Taking out Boggle) Oh, I don't think that's possible. KRAMER: (Holding camera) Get in a little closer. I can't see the screen door. (Takes picture) Perfect. GEORGE: Dad, the hinges are all rusted here. That's why the wind keeps blowing the door off. ESTELLE: I hate that old door. Throw it out! FRANK: Serenity now! KRAMER: It might be time to just let her go, Frank. She's worked hard for ya. FRANK: Will you put her to rest for me? KRAMER: Oh yeah, I'll take good care of her. (Rips out the screen door) ESTELLE: (From other room) Get George to put those boxes in the garage. GEORGE: Dad, what's all this? ESTELLE: (From other room) It's junk. FRANK: My computers. I've been selling them for two months now. Shut up! GEORGE: You're selling computers? FRANK: Two months ago, I saw a provocative movie on cable TV. It was called The Net, with that girl from the bus. I did a little reading, and I realize, it wasn't that farfetched. GEORGE: Dad, you know what it takes to compete with Microsoft and IBM? FRANK: Yes, I do. That's why I got a secret weapon... my son. JERRY: Damn it, they gave me cream! I asked for nonfat milk! PATTY: I think they have 1% over there. JERRY: 1%?! They can kiss 1% of my a**! PATTY: OK, Jerry, enough. I'm not buying it. JERRY: You're damn right you're not buying it! PATTY: You shouldn't have to try. It's just being open. JERRY: I'm open. There's just nothing in there. PATTY: Sarcastically) Uh huh. JERRY: Oh, you think I'm lying about this? PATTY: I think you are. JERRY: Well, I'm not. PATTY: Yes, you are, liar. JERRY: Oh, stop it. PATTY: OK, liar. JERRY: That's enough! PATTY: Ooh, that was good. JERRY: Really? It felt good. ELAINE: Congratulations, Mr. Lippman. LIPPMAN: Oh, Elaine. My boy's a man today. Can you believe it? He's a man. ELAINE: Oh, congratulations, Adam. (Adam zealously French-kisses Elaine) ADAM: I'm a man! JERRY: Tongue? ELAINE: Yeah. GEORGE: Wow! I didn't try that 'til I was 23. JERRY: Well this kid's not just a man. He's a man's man. ELAINE: And I think he's been telling his friends. I got invitations to six more Bar Mitzvahs. (phone rings) JERRY: Hello? Yeah, this is Jerry Seinfeld. No, no, no, I do not want to stop over in Cincinnati. Well, then you upgrade me. That's right, you should thank me. Goodbye. (Hangs up) Hey, I'm flyin' first cla**. ELAINE: Where did that come from? JERRY: Patty showed me how to get mad. You gotta problem with that? ELAINE: No. JERRY: Good. GEORGE: All right, relax, tough guy. I got to go out to my father's garage, help him sell some computers. JERRY: What? The two of you workin' in that garage is like a steel cage d**h match. GEORGE: Kramer. KRAMER: Yeah. GEORGE: What-what are you doing? KRAMER: Oh, I'm putting up Frank's screen door. This beauty's got a little life in her yet. JERRY: What do you need it for? KRAMER: (Closing door) The cool evening breezes of Anytown, USA. Let's see how this baby closes. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. GEORGE: Morning, ma. ESTELLE: (From another room ) You're late! GEORGE: Morning, dad. FRANK: I'm not 'dad' in the workplace. My professional name is Mr. Costanza, and I will refer to you as 'Costanza'. Morning, Braun. LLOYD: (Handing Frank coffee) Morning, George. Two cream, no sugar. GEORGE: What is Lloyd Braun doing here? FRANK: Your mother recommended him. GEORGE: Yeah, of course she did. That's all I ever heard growing up is 'Why can't you be more like Lloyd Braun?' Did you know he was in a mental institution? FRANK: I didn't read his resume. LLOYD: (Ringing the sale bell) Another sale, Mr. Costanza. Chalk me up on the big board. GEORGE: (Inquiring about the chalk board) What is this? FRANK: (Drawing a zero under George's name) This is your lagging. Good work, Braun. ESTELLE: (From another room) Good for you, Lloyd! ELAINE: So Adam, I just talked to your father, and, apology accepted. ADAM: I'm not apologizing. It was great. I told everyone. ELAINE: Yeah, I know. Uh, by the way, could you do me a favor and tell Mitchell Tanenbaum that I will be unable to attend this Saturday. ADAM: Are you free Friday night? ELAINE: I am, but that is not the point. You are thirteen, and I am in my early... 20s. ADAM: But I'm a man. The rabbi said so. ELAINE: No. You are not a man. It takes a *long* time to become a man. I mean, half my friends aren't even there yet. ADAM: Well, if I'm not a man, then this whole thing was a sham! First, they said I was gonna get great gifts, and then, somebody gives me Boggle. I renounce my religion! LIPPMAN: Who wants cookies? ADAM: As of this moment, I am no longer Jewish. I quit! LIPPMAN: What? ELAINE: (Eating) Walnuts, mmmmmm. FRANK: You're late again, Costanza, so listen up. Starting tonight, we're having a little sales contest. The loser gets fired, the winner gets a Waterpik. ESTELLE: (From another room) You're not giving away our Waterpik! FRANK: Serenity now! GEORGE: You know what? It doesn't matter, because I quit! FRANK: I guess your mother was right. You never could compete with Lloyd Braun! (Lloyd rings his sale bell and smiles) GEORGE: You wanna sell computers? I will show *you* how to sell computers! Hello, Mr. Farneman. You wanna buy a computer? No? Why not? All right, I see! Good answer! Thank you! (Lloyd rings his sale bell) Serenity now! ELAINE: Adam, you don't become a man overnight. Look at your father. It takes time. Patience, experience. Uh, several careers of varying success. And these are things I look for in a man. ADAM: (Storming out of the room) Well, that does me a lot of good. 'Early 20s'! ELAINE: Well, I'm sorry, sir, I tried. LIPPMAN: So, that's the type of guy you're looking for? ELAINE: Uhh. I guess so. Why? (Mr. Lippman vigorously starts making out with her) PATTY: (Surveying Kramer's hall patio ) What is this? JERRY: (Knocking on Kramer's door) Anytown, U.S.A. Hello? Is Kramer home? Oh, hey. KRAMER: (Spraying his flowers) Hello, neighbor. JERRY: Boy, those azaleas are really coming in nicely. KRAMER: Oh, you gotta mulch. You've got to. JERRY: You barbecuing tonight? KRAMER: (Ringing his wind chimes) Right after the fireworks. JERRY: So, where do you want to eat tonight? PATTY: How about La Caridad again? JERRY: Again!? How much flan can a person eat!? PATTY: Jerry, you've been yelling at me all afternoon. JERRY: Well, I don't think more flan is the answer! PATTY: Maybe I should just leave. JERRY: 'Maybe'!? PATTY: Good-bye! JERRY: Double good-bye! (As Patty leaves, open door reveals Kramer, sitting on his lawn chair with a sparkler) KRAMER: Hey, buddy! ELAINE: (Coming in Jerry's apartment) Hey. Happy New Year! KRAMER: (Getting the door slammed on him) Y'all come back reeeaall... ELAINE: Did you and Patty just break up? JERRY: Yeah! In fact, she broke up with me! And I don't want to talk about it! ELAINE: Well, then you're free tonight. You know what, I heard about this great place called La Caridad. JERRY: That's the last thing she said to me. She wanted to go there also, but I wasn't in the mood. ELAINE: Whoa. What is the matter? JERRY: It's Patty. ELAINE: Jerry, you break up with a girl every week. JERRY: (Crying) What--what is this salty discharge? ELAINE: Oh my God. You're crying. JERRY: This is horrible! I care! JERRY: Patty won't call me back. I don't know if I can live without her. KRAMER: She's really gotten to you, hasn't she? JERRY: I don't know what's happening to me. KRAMER: Simple. You let out one emotion, all the rest will come with it. It's like Endora's box. JERRY: That was the mother on Bewitched. You mean Pandora. KRAMER: Yeah, well, she... had one, too. (George enters) GEORGE: Jerry, can I talk to you for a second? (They enter Jerry's apartment) KRAMER: (Baseball flies at Kramer and hits him) That's it, that's it! I warned you kids. I told you not to play in front of my house. This time, I'm keepin' it. And you're not getting back your rock either! GEORGE: (hearing Jerry broke up with Patty) Are you still down in the dumps? Come on. It's just a chick. JERRY: You ever heard of a little thing called feelings? GEORGE: Well, I got just the thing to cheer you up. A computer! Huh? We can check p**n, and stock quotes. JERRY: p**n quotes... I'm so lucky to have a friend like you, George. Ever tell you how much I love you? GEORGE: What? JERRY: I love you, George. Come here. GEORGE: I-I'm already here. I'm here. I'm here. Uh, you know what? If you want a computer, call me. I-I gotta go. JERRY: Go wherever you want. I'm still gonna love you. INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT, NIGHT KRAMER: Look what they did. Look what they did to my house! I turn my back for two seconds, and they put shaving cream all over my door. You, I see you! I'll teach these kids a lesson. Where's that house I put under your sink? JERRY: Hose under my sink. I love *you*, Kramer! KRAMER: I love you, too, buddy, and George-- GEORGE: I don't want to hear it, Kramer! KRAMER: Listen, when I give you the signal, I want you to turn this water on full blast. GEORGE: What signal? What-what signal? KRAMER: I'll yell, uh, 'Hoochie mama!' GEORGE: If I do it, will you buy a computer? KRAMER: On the signal, George. On the signal. GEORGE: Only if you buy. I gotta make a sale. JERRY: I love you, Costanza. GEORGE: Will you shut up?! KRAMER: Now! Now, George! Turn on the faucet! George, turn on the faucet! Hoochie mama! Hoochie mama! Hoochie mamamaaaaa! INT. CAB; ELAINE AND GEORGE ELAINE: So now the *other* Lippman kissed me. GEORGE: Well, sure. They're Jewish, and you're a shiksa. ELAINE: What? GEORGE: It means a non-Jewish woman. ELAINE: I know what it means, but what does being a shiksa have to do with it? GEORGE: You've got 'shiksappeal'. Jewish men love the idea of meeting a woman that's not like their mother. ELAINE: Oh, that's insane. GEORGE: I'll tell you what's insane: the price that I could get you on a new desktop computer. ELAINE: I am not buying a computer from you. GEORGE: There's p**n. ELAINE: (Pausing) Even so. GEORGE: Damn it! INT. LIPPMAN'S HOUSE ELAINE: Don't get me wrong, Mr. Lippman. I-I'm very flattered that you found me attractive enough to... lunge at me. Huh. But the only reason you like me is because I'm a shiksa. LIPPMAN: That's simply not true. ELAINE: If you weren't Jewish, you wouldn't be interested in me. LIPPMAN: You are wrong. I'll prove it. ELAINE: Oh, no. Don't! LIPPMAN: I renounce Judaism! ELAINE: Oy vey! INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT JERRY: What happened to you, pal? KRAMER: Joey Zanfino and some of the neighborhood kids. They ambushed me with a box of 'Grade A's. JERRY: Are you all right? KRAMER: Oh, no. I'm fine. Serenity now. Serenity now. Serenity now. JERRY: So, you're using Frank's relaxation method? KRAMER: (Trying to open a back of chips) Jerry, the anger, it just melts right off. Serenity now. Look at this. Serenity now! ELAINE: (Enters) Hey, what happened to you? KRAMER: Serenity! (He exits) ELAINE: Well. You are not gonna believe this. Now Lippman is renounced. This shiksa thing is *totally* out of control. What is *with* you people? What are you looking at? JERRY: Sit down, Elaine. ELAINE: Oh, no. Jerry, I can't take any more gentle sobbing. JERRY: I've been thinking about what it means to be complete. ELAINE: Do you have an apple or anything? JERRY: Look at us, hurtling through space on this big, blue marble. ELAINE: Or a nectarine? I would absolutely love a nectarine. JERRY: Looking everywhere for some kind of meaning... ELAINE: Why am I in such a fruit mood? Ahh, banana! JERRY: When all the while, the real secret to happiness has been right in front of us! ELAINE: What? JERRY: Elaine... GEORGE: (Entering Jerry's apartment with a cartload of computers) Jerry, I've found a way to beat Lloyd Braun! I buy the computers myself, I store 'em in your apartment. Then, after I win the contest, I bring 'em all back and get my money back. Ha ha! It's brilliant. What? What's wrong with your leg? JERRY: I'm asking Elaine to marry me. GEORGE: (Leaving) I'll store these over at Kramer's apartment. JERRY: Elaine? ELAINE: Uhh, Jerry, I've got a lot goin' on with, uh, Lippman right now. JERRY: Lippman? ELAINE: (Trying to get her bag to leave) Yeah, and him too. What?! Oh, yeah! I think George is calling me, so I'm gonna go give him a hand. Come on! Come on! JERRY: Can I help you? ELAINE: No. Stay! Stay. Stay. INT. COSTANZAS' GARAGE FRANK: Hey, Braun, Costanza's kicking your bu*t! GEORGE: (using the phone) Watch how it's done. Oh, hello, Mr. Vandelay? Would you like to buy a computer? Oh, really? Two dozen? FRANK: Costanza, you're white hot! PHONE: If you'd like to make a call, please hang up and-- FRANK: Hey, Braun, I got good news and bad news. And they're both the same: you're fired. Costanza, you've won the water pik! ESTELLE: You're not gonna give away that water pik! FRANK: You wanna bet? Serenity now, serenity now! LLOYD: You know, you should tell your dad that 'serenity now' thing doesn't work. It just bottles up the anger, and eventually, you blow. GEORGE: What do you know? You were in the nut house. LLOYD: What do you think put me there? GEORGE: I heard they found a family in your freezer LLOYD: Serenity now. Insanity later. INT. HALLWAY IN TO JERRY'S APARTMENT JERRY: What happened here, Kramer? KRAMER: Serenity now, serenity now... JERRY: Kramer! KRAMER: Geez! Jerry, I didn't here you come in. Yeah, the children, they've done sum redecorating. Serenity now, serenity now. JERRY: You don't look well. KRAMER: Well, that's odd, 'cause I feel perfectly at peace with the world- uh! eggs! you! Serenity now, serenity now, serenity now. JERRY: Oh, I'm sorry. Look at me, I stepped on your last rose. KRAMER: (going into his apartment) Jerry, come on. Don't get upset about it. There's always next spring. Now will you excuse me for a moment. Serenity nooooooooww! GEORGE: Jerry! I did it! Haha! I beat Braun! KRAMER: (crashing and banging in his apartment) Serenity now! GEORGE: Come on, wanna give me a hand with the computers? KRAMER: (Crashing and banging around) Serenity nooooowwwww! INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT GEORGE: Why couldn't you squeeze one of those stupid rubber balls to get your stress out? Why did you have to destroy *twenty-five* computers? KRAMER: (Leaving) George, you listen to me. I owe ya one. JERRY: He's incorrigible. You want to talk about it? GEORGE: Oh, please don't tell me you love me again, Jerry, I can't handle it. JERRY: George, letting my emotions out was the best thing I've ever done. Sure I'm not funny anymore, but there's more to life than making shallow, fairly-obvious observations. How about you? GEORGE: All right... here goes... INT. RABBI'S OFFICE ELAINE: Rabbi, is there anything I can do to combat this Shiks-appeal? RABBI: Ha! Elaine, shiks-appeal is a myth, like the Yeti, or his North American cousin, the Sasquatch. ELAINE: Well, something's goin' on here, 'cause every able-bodied Israelite in the county is driving pretty strong to the hoop. RABBI: Elaine, there's much you don't understand about the Jewish religion. For example, did you know that rabbis are allowed to date? ELAINE: (About to leave) Well, what does that have to do...? RABBI: You know, a member of my congregation has a timeshare in Myrtle Beach. Perhaps, if you're not too busy, we could wing on down after the High Holidays? Elaine? 'Lainie? INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT GEORGE: So, that's it. All of my darkest fears, and... everything I'm capable of. That's me. JERRY: Yikes. Well, good look with all that. GEORGE: Where you going? I-I thought I could count on you for a little compa**ion. JERRY: I think you scared me straight. ELAINE: All right, Jerome, I'm in. JERRY: What? ELAINE: Maybe we should get married. Maybe everything we need is right here in front of us. Jer... let's do it. JERRY: I tell ya, I don't see it happening. ELAINE: What? What happened to the new Jerry? JERRY: He doesn't work here anymore. ELAINE: Oh, well that's just *great!* GEORGE: I love you, Jerry. JERRY: (Leaving) Right back at ya, Slick. GEORGE: You know, all these years, I've always wanted to see the two of you get back together. ELAINE: Well, that's because you're an idiot. INT. COSTANZAS' GARAGE FRANK: You single-handedly brought Costanza and Son to the brink of bankruptcy. GEORGE: Well what about all the Lloyd Braun sales? FRANK: He's crazy. His phone wasn't even hooked up. He just liked ringing that bell. ESTELLE: I told you to clean out this garage. I have to put my car in! FRANK: This is a place of business. I told you never to come in here. Serenity now! ESTELLE: All right... GEORGE: Dad, you really should lay off the 'serenity now' stuff. FRANK: So, what am I supposed to say? GEORGE: 'Hoochie mama'? ESTELLE: Move your crap, I'm comin' in! FRANK: No you're not! Hoochie mama! Hoochie mama!