Seinfeld - The Postponement Script lyrics

JERRY AND ELAINE ARE WALKING DOWN THE STREET AND KRAMER IS PARKING HIS CAR ELAINE: Hey, good news. My dog problem has been solved. JERRY: Really? What happened? ELAINE: Well, there's this rabbi in my building. You've met him. Very nice man. JERRY: Isn't he the one with the show on cable? ELAINE: Yea, yeah, yeah,. So I spoke to him about the dog. He went down. Talked to the owner. She agr4eed to keep the dog inside from now on. JERRY: That's great. ELAINE: I know. Kramer crashing into parking spot JERRY: That looks pretty good. ELAINE: He's in. JERRY: Hey, say, you know, we haven't even discussed George's engagement yet. ELAINE: What's to discuss? JERRY: Come on! GEORGE: is getting married! ELAINE: Is he happy? AT THE RESTAURANT! GEORGE: IS COMING FROM THE BATHROOM TO SIT WITH HIS BRIDE-TO-BE. GEORGE: I will never understand the bathrooms in this country. Why is it that the doors on the stalls do not come all the way down to the floor? SUSAN: Well, maybe it's so you can see if there's someone in there. GEORGE: Isn't that why we have locks on the doors? SUSAN: Well, as a backup system, in case the lock is broken, you can see if it's taken. GEORGE: A backup system? We're designing bathroom doors with our legs exposed in anticipation of the locks not working? That's not a system. That's a complete breakdown of the system. SUSAN: Can we change the subject, please? GEORGE: Why? What's wrong with the subject? This is a bad subject? SUSAN: No, fine. If you wanna keep talking about it, we'll talk about it. GEORGE: It's not that I want to keep talking about it? just think that the subject should resolve itself based on its own momentum. SUSAN: Well, I didn't think that it had any momentum. GEORGE: (To himself) How am I gonna do this? I'm engaged to this woman? She doesn't even like me. Change the subject? Toilets were the subject. We don't even share the same interests. JERRY'S APARTMENT JERRY: Yeah, he seems pretty happy. ELAINE: Well, that's all that counts, I guess. JERRY: What's the matter? ELAINE: Oh, nothin'. JERRY: Well, you don't seem too enthused about the whole thing. ELAINE: Well, what do you want me to do? JERRY: Well, at least have some reaction to it. ELAINE: …Well, I don't. JERRY: Maybe you're a little jealous. ELAINE: Oh, what? You think I wanna marry George? JERRY: No! But maybe you wish it was you who was getting married, not him. ELAINE: Oh, please! That is the last thing that I want. JERRY: Oh, yeah. Right. ELAINE: Yeah, right. JERRY: Lainy! ELAINE: Jerry! JERRY: You don't wanna get married? ELAINE: Yeah, that's right. I don't wanna get married. JERRY: Oh, come on! ELAINE: Oh, you come on. JERRY: You're such... Kramer enters KRAMER: Oh, hey! JERRY: Hey. KRAMER: Elaine, listen, I was talking to a friend about this dog business. Do you realize this is gonna be on our permanent records? Are you aware of this? ELAINE: Oh, dear. KRAMER: It can never be erased. It'll follow us wherever we go for the rest of our lives. I'll never be able to get a job. I mean, doesn't that concern you? Everything I've worked for...down the drain because of one stupid mistake. I mean, aren't we entitled to make one mistake in our lives, Jerry? JERRY: We're gonna change the system. KRAMER: Yes! ELAINE: Well, I could care less. I hope it is on our record. I'm just sorry they didn't lock me up. OUTSIDE ELAINE'S PLACE ELAINE: Oh, hello, Rabbi Krischma. RABBI: ELAINE:! Always a pleasure to see you. ELAINE: Thanks again for taking care of that dog for us. RABBI: Elaine, often times in life there are problems, and just as often there are solutions. ELAINE: Yeah, I suppose. RABBI: Elaine, you don't seem yourself today. You seem, if I may say, troubled. ELAINE: No, Rabbi, I'm not myself. RABBI: Come upstairs. We'll have a talk. AT JERRY'S APARTMENT. GEORGE TROTS IN AFTER HIS LUNCH WITH KIKI AND BIG JER IS KICKING BACK WITH A PAPER. JERRY: Hey! GEORGE: I want your honest opinion about something. JERRY: Have I ever been less than forthright? GEORGE: No, you haven't. Well, maybe you have. What do I know. JERRY: Yeah, I probably have. Yeah, of course I have. What am I talking about? GEORGE: All right. Okay, tell me what you think about this idea: Extend the doors on the toilet stalls at Yankee Stadium all the way to the floor. JERRY: Extend the doors on the toilet stalls at Yankee Stadium to the floor ...door comes down. Hides your feet. Yes. I like it. I like it a lot. GEORGE: It's good, right? JERRY: I think it's fantastic. I think it's a fantastic idea. GEORGE: You do? JERRY: Yes, I do. GEORGE: Well, I told it to Susan before, and she didn't like it. JERRY: Hmm. GEORGE: Yeah. Not only that, this is what she said to me, "Can we change the subject?" JERRY: See, now that I don't care for. GEORGE: Right. I mean, we're on a subject. Why does it have to be changed? JERRY: It should resolve of its own volition. GEORGE: That's exactly what I said, except I used the word "momentum". JERRY: Momentum - same thing. GEORGE: Same thing. My god, I'm getting married in December, do you know that? JERRY: Yeah, I know. GEORGE: Well, I don't see how I'm gonna make December. I mean, I need a little more time. I mean, look at me I'm a nervous wreck. My stomach aches. My neck is k**ing me. I can't turn. Look. Look. JERRY: You're turning. GEORGE: Nah, it's not a good turn. December. December. Don't you think we should have a little more time just to get to know each other a little. JERRY: If you need more time, you should have more time. GEORGE: What, you think I could postpone it? JERRY: Sure you can. Why not? GEORGE: That's allowed? You're allowed to postpone it? JERRY: I don't see why not. GEORGE: So, I could do that? JERRY: Sure, go ahead. GEORGE: All right! All right. I'll tell you what. How about this? Got the date; March 21st, the first day of spring. JERRY: Spring. Of course. GEORGE: Huh? You know? Spring. Rejuvenation. Rebirth. Everything's blooming. All that crap. JERRY: Beautiful. GEORGE: She's not gonna like it. JERRY: No, she's not. GEORGE: You know, I think I'm a little bit scared of her. She's five-three, like a hundred pounds. I'm frightened to d**h of her. JERRY: Well, she's a woman. They don't like to be disappointed. GEORGE: Especially her. She does not like disappointment. Well, I have to do it. I can't make December. There's no way I can make December. Right? I mean, you can see that, right? I mean, look at me. Look. Look. Can I make December? I can't make December. Right? Look. Look. JERRY: Yeah, you'd better shoot for March. Kramer enters KRAMER: Hey, hey. GEORGE: March 21st. Hey! So, you're gonna back me on this, right? JERRY: Oh, all the way. GEORGE: You are a good friend. You know what? Even if you k**ed somebody I wouldn't turn you in. JERRY: Is that so? JERRY: Hey, Kramer if I k**ed somebody would you turn me in? KRAMER: Definitely. JERRY: You're kidding? KRAMER: No, no, I would turn you in. JERRY: You would turn me in? KRAMER: Phwap, I wouldn't even think about it. JERRY: I can't believe your a friend of mine. KRAMER: What kind of person are you going around k**ing people? JERRY: Well, I am sure I had a good reason. KRAMER: Well,, if you'll k** this person, who's to say I wouldn't be next? JERRY: But you know me! KRAMER: I thought I DID! RABBI'S APARTMENT ELAINE: I'm not a very religious person but I do feel as if I'm in need of some guidance here. RABBI: Would you care for a snack of some kind? I have the Snackwells which are very popular but I think that sometimes with the so called fat free cookies people may overindulge forgetting they may be high in calories ELAINE: Thank you I am not very hungry. Anyway, um, this friend of mine, George, got engaged . RABBI: How wonderful. ELAINE: Yeah, yeah, well, for some reason, um, I just find myself just overcome with feelings of jealousy and resentment. RABBI: Doesn't it give you any joy to see your friend enter into this holiest of unions? ELAINE: No, no, no it doesn't. No joy no joy whatsoever. Just the whole think makes me . . sick. RABBI: You know, Elaine, very often we cannot see the forest for the trees. ELAINE: Yeah, I don't know what that means. RABBI: Well, for example, say there's a forest, . . . ELAINE: You see the thing is we It should have been me. You know, I'm smart. I'm attractive. RABBI: You know my temple has many single functions. ELAINE: No, no, it's okay. RABBI: My nephew Alex is someone who is also looking perhaps … ELAINE: I don't think so. RABBI: He owns a flower store. Very successful. OUTSIDE COFFEE SHOP JERRY: So you're nothing but a stoolie. Admit it. KRAMER: Hey, don't do the crime if you can't do the time. JERRY: Another Café Latte? KRAMER: You better believe it. KRAMER: Since when are you so trendy? JERRY: Hey, baby. I set the trends. Who do you think started this whole Café Latte? JERRY: I don't recall you drinking Café Latte. KRAMER: I've been drinking Café Latte since the fifth grade and I haven't looked back. JERRY: Hey, Planet 9 From Outer Space is playing tomorrow night. One show only. KRAMER: I've always wanted to see this. JERRY: You know I was supposed to see this five years ago. I was in a Chinese restaurant with George and Elaine and got all screwed up trying to get a table and I missed it. KRAMER: Well, yeah, lets do it uh? JERRY: Look at this Jerry, dropping paper on the ground. That's littering. JERRY: Maybe you better call the cops and turn me in. KRAMER: Maybe I will. GEORGE'S GEORGE: Hi, SUSAN: How was your day? GEORGE: Good, good day. How was your day? SUSAN: Mine was okay. So what's goin' on? GEORGE: Oh, nothin' much. I went over to jerry's, uh, talked to Jerry. SUSAN: Oh, the Lowers want to get together with us on Friday night. GEORGE: The Lowers, really? SUSAN: You don't want to go? GEORGE: No, I want to go. SUSAN: So what did Jerry have to say? GEORGE: Oh, nothin' much, . . . talkin'. . . . Oh, oh, oh, did I have an unbelievable idea today! SUSAN: Oh, yeah, the toilets. You told me. GEORGE: Yeah, ha ha, It's not the toilets, it's not the toilets. It's something else. Are you ready for this? SUSAN: Yeah. GEORGE: Okay, how about this? All right, we get married March 21st, the first day of Spring. SUSAN: What do you mean? You want to postpone the wedding? GEORGE: No, no no it's not about postponing. I just think the first day of Spring is the perfect day to get married. You know, Spring! Rejuvenation! Rebirth! Everything is blooming all the … SUSAN: If you don't want to marry me, George, just say so. (crying) Say so. GEORGE: Still marry , still marry. SUSAN: You don't love me. GEORGE: Sstill love. Still love. SUSAN: My parents told me you were too neurotic and that I was making a mistake. GEORGE: No no no, no mistake, no mistake. No, no , listen, we're going to get married over Christmas, I …It doesn't make any difference to me. It's fine. Really. SUSAN: Are you sure? GEORGE: Yeah, yeah, sure, Christmas. Snow. Santa. All that stuff. MONK'S CAFE JERRY: Let me take a guess. She cried and you caved. GEORGE: How did you know that? JERRY: I live and breath my friend. . . . I live and breath. GEORGE: I got to tell you I felt terrible. I really thought she was going to collapse and k** herself. JERRY: tes, it's very difficult. Few men have the constitution for it. That's why breakups take two or three tries. You gotta build up your immunity. GEORGE: You see those tears streaming down you don't know what to do. It was like she was on fire and I was trying to put her out. JERRY: Well, at least you probably had some, uh, pretty good make-up s** after. GEORGE: I didn't have any s**. JERRY: You didn't have make-up s**? How could you not have make-up s**? I mean that's the best feature of the heavy relationship. GEORGE: I didn't have make-up s**. JERRY: In your situation the only s** you're going to have better than make-up s** is if you're dent to prison and you have a conjugal visit. GEORGE: Yeah, conjugal visit s**. That is happening! WOMAN: (crying) MAN: I can tell you're very upset but I'm sorry I'm not goin' GEORGE: Did you here that? I can't believe this he's eating his sandwich. MAN: Are you going to eat thoise fries? GEORGE: This is amazing. (George gets up to leave and shake's man's hand) Thank you. Thank you very much. . . . I'm going back in! . . . You'll feel better (to woman) JERRY: . . . Poor ba*tard. OUTSIDE ELAINE'S JERRY: Good evening, Rabbi. RABBI: Good evening. And how does this evening find you? JERRY: Well, Rabbi, well. RABBI: I trust you are here to see your friend, Elaine. JERRY: Yeah, that's right. RABBI: I hope she's feeling better. JERRY: What do you mean? RABBI: She didn't tell you? JERRY: No. RABBI: Well it seems the engagement of her ffriend George has left her feeling bitter and hostile. JERRY: is that so? RABBI: Yes, in fact she told me that she wishes she was the one getting married. JERRY: Really? RABBI: She came off as pretty desperate. JERRY: I didn't know any of this. RABBI: Apparently she doesn't think much of this George fellow either. I recall the word loser peppered throughout her conversation. JERRY: Hum, well it all comes as news to me. GEORGE'S APARTMENT GEORGE: (enters) Hi. SUSAN: Hi, how was your day? GEORGE: Good, good day. How was your day? SUSAN: Ah, it was okay. What's going on? GEORGE: Oh, nothing much. You know, I went over to Jerry's. Talked to Jerry. Um, could I talk to you for a minute? SUSAN: Yeah, sure. GEORGE: You see this is the thing. . . . (crying) I just feel . . . mumble, cry, mumble, . . . I'm scared. You and I together, (cry) SUSAN: George, of course, of course it can wait until march if that is what you want. GEORGE: Yeah? SUSAN: Oh, don't worry your head. Of course. GEORGE: All right. (smiles behind her back) ELAINE'S ELAINE: I've got that magazine article for you. JERRY: You iknow I talked to the rabbi outside. ELAINE: Are you JERRY: Understand you had a little talk with him too. ELAINE: Yeah, talked earlier. JERRY: Yes I know, I know. ELAINE:. . . What does that mean? JERRY: Nothing, nothing. ELAINE: He didn't mention . . . JERRY: Yes he did. ELAINE: He told you about our conversation? JERRY: We had quite a little chat. ELAINE: He told you about . . . JERRY: Yes, about how you're very jealous of George. How you wished it was you who were getting married instead of him. ELAINE: He told you all that? How could he? JERRY: It didn't take much prodding either, I must say. ELAINE: Can he do that? JERRY: He did it. ELAINE: But he's a Rabbi! How can a Rabbi have such a big mouth? JERRY: That's what's so fascinating. Movie line JERRY: You better finish your little café latte there. They won't let you in with it. KRAMER: Why not? JERRY: Because they don't allow outside drinks into the movie. KRAMER: Well that's stupid JERRY: That's the rule. KRAMER: Well, we'll just see if we can't get around that. Kramer puts coffee cup into his pants RABBI'S APARTMENT RABBI: Oh, Elaine. Come in. Come in. So nice to see you again. ELAINE: Yeah… RABBI: Can I offere you some Kasha Varnishkas? ELAINE: No, no. Listen, Rabbi, I'd like to ask you a question. Why, why did you tell my friend Jerry what I talked to you about? RABBI: Was that a problem for you? ELAINE: Of course it was a problem for me. . . . You didn't, you didn't tell anyone else about this, did you? RABBI: Well, let's see? I seem to recall a conversation with Mrs. Winston in 1F. ELAINE: Mrs. Winston? RABBI: Yes, we were waiting for our mail to arrive and I happened to mention to her how you felt that it was never going "to happen" for you. ELAINE: What about Don Ramsey? You didn't mention anything to him did you? RABBI: Don Ramsey? ELAINE: You know that tall really good looking guy, he lives on the fifth floor. RABBI: Oh him! Well this morning I found myself in the elevator with him… ELAINE: my god, you didn't. Movie theatre JERRY: Excuse me, pardon me, excuse me KRAMER: Oh, yow, oow Ah! USHER: Hey, hey, what's going on? What just happened here? KRAMER: Nothing Nothing. USHER: Whatya got? One of those Café Latte's in your shirt? KRAMER: I don't have anything. Ask him. Jerry makes a silent drink gesture USHER: All right, come on Coffee Boy, bring it out. KRAMER: What?! USHER: Here you go. KRAMER: Ow Kramer leaves JERRY'S APARTMENT ELAINE: But the whole thing is a mess. He told everyone in the building. I met that cute guy on the fifth floor. I mean he could barely bring himself to nod. JERRY: Elaine, if I could say a word here about Jewish people. That man in no way represents our ability to take in a nice piece of juicy gossip and keep it to ourselves. ELAINE: You didn't say this to George, did you? JERRY: No, . . . about how you wish it was YOU who was getting married instead of him? Feelings of resentment, hostility? ELAINE: Yeah that! So, . . . George enters GEORGE: Hey oh. ELAINE: GEORGIE! CONGRATULATIONS! Oh, my god. I haven't seen you since it happened. I'm so happy for you. GEORGE: Alright, thanks a lot. ELAINE: Oh, come on. You really, really deserve it. Gives George a kiss GEORGE: Oh, deserve! I don't know if I deserve...I mean... ELAINE: Are you kidding? I have seen the changes in you the past couple of years. Man, you have grown. You've matured. GEORGE: Well, I guess I'm getting older. ELAINE: Oh! Well, I just think it's wonderful. Honestly! I've gotta run, but um, please, please give my best to Susan. GEORGE: Yeah. ELAINE: My most, just heartfelt congratulations. GEORGE: Yeah. Thanks. Hey, listen, if you ever get a date, maybe the four of us could go out together sometime. ELAINE: Yes! Yes, yes. Sure. GEORGE: Wait, as a matter of fact, wasn't there some guy in your building that you said you liked? He lived up on the fifth floor or something. ELAINE: Yes. Yes, yes. Yes. GEORGE: Yeah! Boy, she is something, isn't she? JERRY: Yeah, she's something else. Hey, so what happened? Did you hold your ground or...uh… GEORGE: Nope. I wept like a baby. JERRY: What? GEORGE: Well, I started to tell her and then all of the sudden, for some reason, I just burst into tears. JERRY: You cried? GEORGE: I bawled uncontrollably. I just poured my guts out. And I'll tell you, Jerry, it was incredible. I never realized how powerful these tears are. I could have postponed it another five years if I wanted to. JERRY, GEORGE, & KRAMER: Hey! JERRY: Sorry about that movie-thing. I was joking around. KRAMER: Sorry? Are you kidding? You did me the biggest favor of my life. I spoke to a lawyer, we're suing for millions. JERRY: Suing? What for? KRAMER: The coffee was too hot. JERRY: It's supposed to be hot. KRAMER: Not THAT hot. AT GEORGE'S HOME. HE AND SUSAN ARE IN BED WATCHING TV RABBI: (On TV) The prophet Isaah tells us without friends our lives are empty and meaningless. GEORGE: Wait. Whoa! That's the Rabbi from Elaine's building. I just met this guy the other day. RABBI: A young lady I know, let's call her Elaine, happened to find herself overwhelmed with feelings of resentment and hostility for her friend, let's call him George. She felt that George was somewhat of a loser and that she was the one who deserved to be married first. She also happened to mention to me that her friend had wondered if going to a prostitute while you're engaged is considered cheating. His feeling was they're never going to see each other again so what's the difference. But that is a subject for another sermon. Now, I'd like to close with a psalm.