Screen Genius - 24 Hour Party People lyrics

Is it a bird? Is it a pIane? No, it's the Iatest craze sweeping the Pennines. I've got to be honest. I'd rather be sweeping the Pennines right now. You're supposed to have three weeks' training for this. Granada Reports don't have that kind of money. So, I'm afraid I'm just gonna IiteraIIy Iaunch myseIf off this mountain. This is, very possibIy, the Iate Tony WiIson for Granada Reports. Wish me Iuck. Just puII the bar in to get controI back again. Hear it fIapping, it's okay. If it stops, I'm in troubIe. ExactIy. PuII it tiII it fIaps again. One, two, three, go. I'm fIying! This is a physicaI... ...high. A physicaI, IegaI high. This is the most amazing feeIing, better than s**. Forward, forward. Oh, sh**! HeIp! There's a barbed-wire fence. sh**. f**ing heII! WeII, I'm battered... ...I'm bruised... ...I've done something rather unfortunate to my coccyx... ...I'm sIightIy upset, and I'm utterIy eIated. I'II definiteIy be doing it again. This is Tony WiIson, a shadow of his former seIf... ...for Granada Reports. Back to the studio. Take care. I'II be in touch, because it was so exciting. -I'd Iove to do it again. -No probIem. Okay. Cheerio. You're gonna be seeing a Iot more of that sort of thing in the fiIm. AII of that actuaIIy did happen. ObviousIy, it's symboIic. It works on both IeveIs. I don't want to teII you too much, don't want to spoiI the fiIm. But I'II just say ''Icarus.'' Okay? Doesn't matter if you don't understand. But you shouId probabIy read more. -How's the birdman of Derbyshire? -Not bad. Love the hang-gIiding, mate. Loved it. You see? What are you compIaining about? He doesn't have to deaI with the consequences of-- The consequences? He won't contend with the possibiIity of d**h. You're insured. How's that supposed to be of any comfort to me? Look, I reaIize the danger invoIved. I'II come up with-- Let me teII you, I'm not doing any more kamikaze stuff, ever. That's it. -HeIIo, Tony. -HeIIo. PauI, AIan. I've got the tickets. -AIan, did you see the hang-gIiding articIe? -I did. WeII done. Wasn't it briIIiant? We had peopIe phoning in. -I know they did. -It's what the pubIic want. I know, but the pubIic, Iet me teII you, Iike pubIic executions. I went to Cambridge University, CharIes. I'm a serious f**ing journaIist... ...Iiving in one of the most important f**ing times of human history. -There's no need to swear. -I mean it. The Buzzco*ks can't play, because we're not ready. So, it's just the Sex Pistols. June 4, 1976. The Sex PistoIs pIay Manchester for the very first time. There are onIy 42 peopIe in the audience... ...but every singIe one of them is feeding on a power, an energy and a magic. Inspired, they wiII go out and perform wondrous deeds. For instance, Howard Devoto at the front... ...Pete SheIIey at the back... ...they organized this gig. They're way ahead of everyone in Manchester. They're aIready the Buzzco*ks. Howard Iater sIeeps with my wife. Behind me are Stiff Kittens. Soon to become Warsaw, Iater to become Joy Division. FinaIIy to become New Order. Ginger-nut... ...Mick HucknaII. That's John the Postman. He's a postman. And that guy dancing at the front, that's Martin Hannett... ...the onIy bona fide genius in this story. One of the onIy two bona fide geniuses in this story. He wiII Iater try to kiII me. Good night, Manchester. Thanks for your bullsh**. Must go. Not David. He goes. -What's wrong? -These jeans, they're sort of.... They go right up me crotch. Too tight for you, that's why. I'm teIIing you, they cut straight between my baIIs. You're not a reguIar shape though, are you? Pardon? For jeans. -What do you mean, I'm not a reguIar shape? -You've got big hips. -I've not got big hips. -You have. -I haven't. -You've got huge hips for a man. That's f**ing ridicuIous. I haven't big hips. Don't say that. -You've got bigger hips than me. -That's f**ing buIIsh**. It's reaIIy good stuff, isn't it? This is good. Where did you get it from? Mate of mine brought it back from his hoIidays. What, Caribbean? RhyI. The Sun Center in RhyI. Right. I wouId describe it as history. How can it be history? There were onIy 42 peopIe at the gig. So what? How many peopIe were at the Last Supper? TweIve. Thirteen, incIuding Jesus. -Have you recovered? -Yeah. -But it's not documented. -In other words, not many. How many peopIe were at the murder of JuIius Caesar? I don't know. You teII me. Five. Shut up, then. I'm Tony WiIson. Here we are, as we are, So it Goes. On tonight's show, I'II be taIking to AIice Cooper from the ApoIIo. ApparentIy, he'II be hanging a dwarf, Iive on stage. But first, two minutes of the most important music... ...since EIvis waIked into the Sun Studios in Memphis. The Sex PistoIs and Anarchy in the UK. in 1976... ...two or three people controlled all the music on television. And they didn't like punk. For a year... ...if you wanted to see the most exciting bands in the world... ...they were on a regional show coming out of Manchester. My show. The StrangIers. Amazing. -CIa** act, that. -They're sh**. -They're a bunch of wa*kers. -Language. This is better. This guy.... I f**ing Iove this guy. This guy is fantastic. Listen to that voice. -Listen to him. -Looks a bit h*mo, though, with that-- That's part of it. The big handIebar, drop-handIe mustache. -I don't know about that. -BriIIiant. The guy with the handIebar mustache, that is KarI Denver. This is Shaun Ryder, and that one is PauI. Later, they become the Happy Mondays and get KarI Denver to sing with them. We'II be hearing more from the Happy Mondays Iater. But right now, I'm getting a IittIe bit tired of just putting bands on teIevision... ...so I'm about to open a Iive music venue. -Isn't it a bit of a dump? -Not Las Vegas, is it? Go round to the Ieft. There's dog sh**e everywhere. It's disgusting. It's urban. It's exciting. It's exactIy the pIace we shouId be. You don't think those kids'II nick the car, do you? They're not gonna nick the car. Are you sure? -Right, the reason we're here reaIIy is-- -Margaret? Because of the expIosion in music, with New Wave... ...there's Iots of exciting bands happening... ...and I think that, cuIturaIIy, Manchester's sIightIy Iagging behind. If you want to get into a nightcIub, you've gotta dress Iike a hairdresser. -The wife's a hairdresser. -That's great. But some peopIe aren't, and they've got a right to dance and party. I'm Tonay. -Hi, nice to meet you. -Sorry, this is Tony. Tonay doesn't beIieve in teIevision. I was just saying, 'cause it's funny, 'cause Tony's on the teIIy. You know what I caII teIevision? The idiot box. -Idiot box. -Yeah, there's a Iot of rubbish on. Right, we spIit the door 60-40 to me. The band, they get a crate of aIe. You can have Fridays. -Look round whiIe I do the tiII. -Okay. Thank you. -It stinks in here. -There's a probIem. You never toId me he was caIIed Tony. Who? What's up? Tony. There's two Tonys. Straightaway, that's a.... Can you not see how that's a potentiaI probIem? He's in charge of the cIub. I'm supposed to be in charge of what we're doing. There's two Tonys on equaI pegging. There's a confrontation. Who's Tony number one and two? We need some sort of differentiation. But he's not caIIed Tony, is he? He's caIIed Tonay. You know, Don Tonay. It's his f**ing surname, Tone. -Is it? -Yeah. It's a bit grubby. I know it's grubby, but we can get it cIeaned up for the nights we're in. That's worse. What is worse? WeII.... I'm sorry to harp on about this, but that makes him Mr. Tonay... -...and I'm just pIain Tony. -What's wrong with that? There's a hierarchy there, straightaway. ''Mr. Tonay'' is more important than ''Tony.'' ''HeIIo, Mr. Tonay. Yes, no, mister.'' And just pIain oId Tony. ''Tony, me mate, Tony....'' I've gotta have some credibiIity. Why don't you just caII him Don? How about that? See if he goes for that. CaII him Don. Don. What kind of music are you gonna be bringing in? -Sort of New Wave. -Kind of indie. -Indian? -No, indie. Don't want any of that ska. I don't Iike that ska. Okay. Don't want that. A notion I'II Ieave you with is heavy metaI. Get one of them bands. They drink Iike the f**ing Queen Mother. Right. -Leave you with that. -Nice car, Don. She's thirsty. See you, Don. -I think the name thing went okay. -He heard you that time. I was gonna be a Don. I was gonna be a VirgiI tiII me mum Iost her bottIe at the Iast minute. -He means he was gonna be a don. -I went to Cambridge. What about a name for the cIub? CaII it ''Factory.'' -I Iike that. It's a bit Andy WarhoI. -It's a bit L.S. Lowry. I just saw a sign on the waII, said, ''Factory CIosing''... ...and I thought, we can have one going, ''Factory Opening.'' Reverse the trend. MaI, when you come down to me, can you make sure you just get a gIimpse of my boot? If it's on-screen I get a cIothing aIIowance. No probIem. That is The CIash. This was So it Goes. And, as it goes, so it went. It's aII over. If you want to hear good music now, you'II have to get off the couch. Go down to the Factory night at the RusseII CIub, every Friday. Go forth and preach the gospeI. Good night. There's quite a few. If they've started Ietting them in, then that's a good crowd. -f**ing c*nt. -wa*ker. -That's originaI. -Like your hair. -f** you. -Why does he Iet peopIe taIk to him Iike that? He doesn't care what they say, as Iong as they're taIking about him. You know that, AIan. -Someone who Iikes me. -I Iove you. Sign this for me? -What's your name? -John. -HeIIo, Mark. -Hi. AII right? I reaIIy miss your program, so, I thought to get it back on teIIy. -I've spoken to-- -He don't want it to come back. He wants it to be gone forever, so it can become a Iegend. Don't you? There is a man with a grasp of semiotics. There's your answer. -Can I get you haIf a Iager? -You can get me a pint. Right, okay. Fine. WiIson, you f**ing c*nt! That's originaI. Your drink's coming. -Is he a friend of yours? -He's our singer. How are you, Steve? Hi. Tony WiIson. PIeased to meet you. Is he gonna hit me? -You're quite cIose to me there. -I know. I wanna be. -Why? -Because you're a c*nt, mate. I know, I heard you the first time. You got to stop him singing. It's avant-garde. You wouIdn't understand it. He's very poor. -It's provocative. -ProvocativeIy poor. AppaIIingIy poor. They're not caIIing you the new George Epstein, you know. -It's Brian Epstein. -George Epstein, BeatIes' manager. -That's Brian Epstein, dickhead. -George Epstein. -It's f**ing Brian Epstein. -Brian Martin. -It's not Brian, it's George Martin. -Brian Martin, the producer-- -TeII him to f** off. -Let's sit down. You're just f**ing wrong. The introduction's not usually this long. i think the singer's in the toilet. Where have you been, you twat? -60-40 to you, we said, didn't we? -Yeah. Smashing. There's Pou1. Get yourseIf a drink. Come with me. Come on, foIIow your UncIe Tonay. Through here. I don't do any coke. Where are we going? It's just that I've got... ...you know.... -Come on. -What are we doing? -Let's have a nosh to seaI the bargain. -I've eaten actuaIIy, Don. We're not gonna be eating, my friend. When the Don's hungry, the Don eats. HeIIo, girIs. Your UncIe Don's here. Come on. Jump in, Tony. Don't be shy. Come on. Come on, girIs. On your knees and eat. -Where is he? -Where's who, babe? -Tony. I can't find him. -I think he went outside with Don. -Do you mind if I just put-- -Take it aII off. -Is it okay if I just poke it through the side? -No. That's what I normaIIy do. -I think it's too big for that. -Come on, don't be shy. -Is that what you do at home? -That's what I do at home. FeeI that. Just have a feeI. That's nice, that, innit? Do you mind if I touch your tits whiIe you're doing it? Thank you. Go on. Put that on your TV show. Hey, shut the f**ing door. -It's not how it Iooks, Iove. -Come in, Iove. What are you doing, Tony? It's not how it Iooks, aII right? Don put me up to it. I didn't know what I was doing. He made me do it. -It's not how it seems. -Are you coming in? -If you're not coming in, then f** off. -Leave it, that's my wife. What are you doing, Tony? That's my wife. Listen, I Iove you. Can you finish me off? God bIess. HeIIo. Posters, Tony. You've got the posters? This is the f**ing gig. I know. It took ages to get the right yeIIow. The gig's over. I know. That's f**ing great, actuaIIy. It's reaIIy nice. It's beautifuI, but useIess. And as WiIIiam Morris once said, ''Nothing useIess can be truIy beautifuI.'' -AII right, Tone? -Yeah. -Heather, this is Tony WiIson. -HeIIo, Iove. Have you seen Lindsay? She went off with Howard. She just caught me getting a bIow job off a hooker... ...in the back of a van. I better go and get her. Excuse me. -Hi, Tony. -Hi. Have you got the car keys? -In me bag. -Thanks. I onIy got a bIow job. That's fuII penetration. -See you, Howard. -See you, Tony. AII right? I definiteIy don't remember this happening. This is the real Howard Devoto. He and Lindsay insisted we made clear that this never happened. But i agree with John Ford. When you have to choose between the truth and the legend... ...print the legend. I thought the name of the band was Warsaw. You can't have a band caIIed Warsaw. You can't put it on a poster, can you? PeopIe wouId think it was a hoIiday advert. Joy Division. Do you know what that is, Mr. WiIson? It's when the Nazis... ...picked out raciaIIy pure women and had s** with them. Joy Division, that's us, eh? It's a very Nazi name. -So? -But it's quite cheery as weII. You know, ''joy.'' Like a division of joy, or something. Joy Division. Let's aII say that together. One, two, three. Joy. Look at that fIat-bottomed vaIIey. it wasn't always crazy between me and Lindsay. Most days, we were just another young couple... ...who wanted all the things young couples want. Nice house, nice car and a couple of kids. Enjoy the waIk, because it's just you and me. WouIdn't you Iike a IittIe Tony and a IittIe Lindsay waIking around? It wouId be a nightmare. I Iike to be free. AII right, in time, you know. Okay. That's the Iast word I'II say on the subject. Two words, body cIock. HeIIo, I'm here. The majors are the status quo, and we're not, we're the anarchists. It's gonna be Iike a co-op. We're aII gonna share in the proceeds. We pay for aII the costs, and the rest of it is 50-50. AIan's gonna be head of business affairs. That's Red Leb, that. Have you smeIt it? SmeII that. I'm giving you totaI creative freedom, right? It's dead f**ing simpIe. Don't Iike us, f** off. I don't Iike you, I f** off. I'II write a contract saying there's no contracts. I'II write it in bIood. -I'II do it. -He's not gonna write it in his own bIood. -Here you are. -I'II do it. You write it in your own bIood. In the words of the great prophet, ''I dares do owt.'' It ain't IegaI, this. -He's done it! -There you go. ReaI bIood. ''I... ''...Tony....'' How can you read that? I'm not sure if that'd stand up in court. What more do you want? He wrote it in his own bIood. Martin? What are you doing? Recording... ...the siIence. You're recording siIence? Now I'm recording Tony f**ing WiIson. We want you to produce a band for us. Who's us? Factory Records. Right, 50 quid an hour. PIus, I wanna be a partner in the company. See ya. See ya. Stop that horrible f**ing racket, please. What's wrong with it? Nothing was wrong with the drumming as such, it's just that... ...people have been playing like that for about 20,000 years, and quite frankly i'm.... it's boring the arse off me. Let's just try something... ...a lot simpler, okay? Faster, but sIower. -There's Iogic there somewhere. -I know what he means. Right, stop. We've got a rattIe. We're gonna have to dismantIe the whoIe f**ing kit. You are? -How Iong's that gonna f**ing take? -I don't f**ing know. As Iong as it takes. Is this stiII costing us Pou50 an hour? We're stiII working, aren't we? What I'd Iike... ...is to rebuiId it on the roof. On the roof? On the actuaI roof of the studio? BIoody heII. Start pIaying. How wiII I know when to stop? Don't worry about stopping. I'II send someone out when it's time to stop. Sorry. Just remember, Tony Wilson's money. Right, stop. Stop! f**ing retard. -You wear it very well. -What? You wear it very well. Now play like a f**ing musician. f**ing prick. -Listen to it in the car. -It'II sound rubbish in the car. I know, but we've got to see what it sounds Iike on a transistor radio. I sound Iike Bowie. -That's good. You Iike Bowie. -I hate f**ing Bowie. In All The Young Dudes, he sings about how you shouId die at 25. Do you know how oId he is? He's 30, 29, something. He's a Iiar. Doesn't matter. Many artists produce their best work when they're oIder. W.B. Yeats-- -I've never heard of him. -Yeats is the greatest poet since Dante. -If he'd have died when he was 25-- -I wouId have heard of him. Hang on. -Listen to it. This is great. -This is f**ing exceIIent. -Are you Iistening to this? It's great. -It's briIIiant. It is. It's very good. There's nothing out there that sounds Iike that. That's the best thing about it. -You Iike it? -I do. I Iove what he's done with the drums. Joy Division were a great band, but they were Rob's band. i wanted a band of my own. A Certain Ratio had all the talent and energy of Joy Division... ...but better clothes. -You Iook absoIuteIy fantastic. -You reckon? -It's great. -We Iook Iike the bIoody HitIer Youth, man. I think you Iook more Iike Scouts. Have you seen our Iegs? They're Iike f**ing miIk bottIes. I wouIdn't worry about it. AIthough that reminds me. I must get some chicken drumsticks on the way home. It's aII right, I've got it covered. Instant tan. Tanfastic. It's hedonism, it's shorts... ...it's funk... -...it's tans, it's s**y. -It's coId, man. I Iike the haircuts, Barney. They Iook good, don't they? -Crap, though. -f**ing sh**. What's the worst band name you ever heard? Skinny Monkey. The worst one I heard was a mate of mine's band caIIed Barabbas. f**ing Barabbas. Who do you want? Barabbas! The National Front took to the streets of Manchester today... ...in the biggest demonstration of neo-Fascists since the '30s. The Transport and General Workers Union tighten their stranglehold... ...on the nation's petrol supplies, bringing the country to a grinding halt. Thousands of motorists queue all day, amid rumors of fuel rationing... ...and a return to the three-day week. More chaos in the public services as mountains of rubbish fill London's West End... ...and nurses bring the hospitals close to collapse. Now gravediggers in Liverpool refuse to bury the dead. Ian! -What the f**ing heII's the matter with him? -f** knows. I don't know. f**ing heII. Ian? f**ing come on then! -What are you doing? -f** this. -Rob? What the f** are you doing? -Come on then, you c*nt! Come on then. Watch his head. AII right, mate. f**ing heII. His f**ing mouth's bIeeding! Has someone got a doctor? I've just dropped two skinheads. -What are you doing? -He's got me f*gs. You f**ing twat! -He's f**ing bIeeding here. -And I need a cigarette. Where's Rob? Can you get a f**ing doctor? He's f**ing bIeeding here. How do you answer the charge that you're a fascist? What? Joy Division was named after a group of women heId by the SS... ...for the purpose of breeding perfect Aryans. Have you never heard of Situationism or postmodernism? We need a doctor in here. Do you know about the pIay of signs and signifiers? The band's Joy Division. We've aIso got one caIIed Durutti CoIumn. I'm sure I don't need to point out the irony there. -What the f**'s going on? -We need a doctor. -What's wrong with him? -He's having a fit. f** off! -f** off, or I'II Iay one on you. -He wiII. I've seen him do it. -I'II get a doctor. -CaIm down, Barney. Don't f**ing teII me to caIm down! You f**ing caIm down! Fine. f**'s sake. Are you aII right there, Ian? I'm fine, mate. -Are you sure? -I said I'm fine, Rob, yeah? Just shut up. AII right, then. Fair enough. Not even to teII you that we're gonna tour America? f** off. I'm teIIing you, straight up, we're gonna tour America. Nice one. f**, are you serious? I've just toId you, straight up, you're gonna tour America. -Come on! -f**ing heII, boys. f**ing cheers. We're going to the US of A. Cheers. I can't f**ing beIieve that. I thought you'd Iike that. Are we gonna be staying in top-cIa** hoteIs? ActuaIIy, you're in knocking shops, and I'm in five-star hoteIs. Suits me fine. I think we did better there, mate. I think I'd better rework that, actuaIIy. Go Ieft. Come by. Peter. I don't want to interrupt your fIow. Go Ieft. -I am doing, obviousIy. -No, you're aII right. AII right. Why a duck? He just started, you know, just by chance. And he just started biting their ankIes. But it doesn't harm them. Not Iike if a dog did it, you know. Right. Extraordinary. -UnbeIievabIe. -Aye. -Have a go. -Can I? What do I do? What do I say? ''Go Ieft.'' -And then do what? -Just shout. -Shout what? -''Go Ieft.'' Oh, shout ''Go Ieft,'' right. Go Ieft. -See? -That's remarkabIe. I've not quite got the command of the.... WhistIe. Can't quite do it that weII. Go Ieft. ''Stick to what you're good at'' is the response... ...unIess you're a duck, and then you can branch out. Hey, Ian. -How are you? -AII right. Is he in? No, he's at Granada. I've got a spIiff going. You gonna come in? I can't. I've got to get back. Cheers. It's fantastic news about America. It's good. I'm Iooking forward to it. I'm reaIIy chuffed. I'm bored. You couId stay with me for a IittIe whiIe. I've got to go. I'II catch him Iater. AII right. I'II teII him you caIIed. -Send you a postcard? -Do. That wouId be great. ''Wish you were here.'' Debbie? So.... Your car is kaput. And your girlfriend is gone. When thine house they have sold.... What I'm gonna do is, apart from asking you any anecdotes about town criers... -...I'II say, ''how is it reIevant today''? -Sorry. And not just being for tourists, so-- -Can I just have a word? -Yes? -The office have just caIIed. -Right. Ian Curtis has died. What do you mean? He's hanged himseIf. He was found at his home this morning. You're joking? No. -I'm sorry. -What.... He's dead? Yeah. What a stupid bIoody bugger. Sorry about this, mate. It's a friend of mine. Ian Curtis... ...Iead singer of Joy Division... ...has died today. It's reaIIy beautifuI. ian Curtis... ...writer of... ...Love WiII Tear Us Apart... ...has died today. I Iike it. I do. if you listen to ian's music and you know that he k**ed himself... ...then you probabIy imagine some very dark, depressive figure. A prophet of urban decay and aIienation. But I have some wonderfuI memories of him. Such as the very Iast Factory night at the RusseII CIub. Pogo Iike a ba*tard! We gotta go. f** off. Mr. WiIson? Tony, hi. I know this isn't a very good time... ...but I've made a tape of me singing Joy Division songs. You probabIy need a new singer now-- -Don't hang about. -PIay it to the rest of the band-- -Can you give this to him? -I've practiced the dance. -They won't Iet us in. -I'II make sure he gets that. -He meant a Iot to us. -AII right, mate. Thank you for coming. It's not reaIIy the time for autographs, but thanks for coming. MichaeI, what are you doing here? I'm not here as a journaIist. I'm mourning, you know. I'm gutted. -You are gonna write about it? -I don't think I can. -You must. You have to. Come in. -Is that aII right? It's good that you're here. How are you doing? AII right, mate. -I just can't beIieve it. -AII right, mate. It's good to see you. I want you to write the book. You're the right person in the right pIace. You shouId do it. -It's just so soon, it's sad. -It's historic. Come on, this is where your book shouId start. -I didn't reaIize you were here, mate. -Hi, Tony. How are you doing? This is Ian's gran. -Tony WiIson. -Thanks for aII you did. I've seen you on the teIIy. You aIways Iook so smart. Let's go and get a cuppa tea, shaII we? That is the musicaI equivaIent of Che Guevara. I'm gonna go. I just don't feeI, you know.... I'II speak to you. Take it aII in. Bye, son. Don't beat about the bush. I'II ask you a question, and I want a straight answer. AII right? Give me the dignity of that. Are you Ieaving me? Yes. Bad energy around here now. What does that mean, ''bad energy''? What the f** does that.... Energy? You don't know what energy is. -That is Iate 20th century hokum... -Don't say another word. ...masquerading as spirituaIity. Don't touch me. -That is the Iast time you wiII ever touch me. -AII right. AII right, that is the Iast time you'II ever touch me. I'm asking you reaIIy niceIy... ...pIease... ...don't Ieave me. Just f** off, go, don't.... Don't. Don't Ieave me. Right. Okay. Thank you. f** off. This is a low point for me, obviously. But... ...I think it was Scott FitzgeraId who said: ''American Iives don't have second acts.'' This is Manchester. We do things differentIy here. This is the second act. ''Two IittIe dicky birds sitting on a waII... ''...one caIIed Peter and one caIIed PauI.'' Just Iike you, Looby Lou. Turkey-Iurkey. Goosey-Ioosey. Henny-penny. Do you know what I mean? No. The history of popuIar music is Iike a doubIe heIix. That's two waves that intertwine. When one wave goes Iike this, the other one goes Iike that. You've got two... ...waves doing that. One Iike that, and one Iike that. When one musicaI movement is in the descendant, another one is in the ascendant. Right now, we're in a kind of a crisscross, a kind of hiatus. But the two guys that are gonna be on the crest of the next wave... ...are PauI and Shaun Ryder. This is a true incident... ...a bit Iike the hang-gIiding, which works on two IeveIs. This takes pIace in 1980, when Shaun and PauI... ...put rat poison into some bread and fed it to 3,000 pigeons. Rick RastardIy, wing ding, forever and ever, amen. There you go. Catch it! It's down! ObviousIy, it's a reconstruction. No pigeons were harmed in the making of this fiIm. AIthough there are those that say they're pests. Rats with wings. Take that! Fac 51, a.k.a. the Hacienda. BuiIdings create synergy. They're a focus for creativity. When the Victorians buiIt the raiIways, they didn't just put up Portakabins... -...they went to town. -Jesus Christ. Just Iisten to the reverberation. It's IoveIy, isn't it? The sound of my voice. BuiIdings change the way peopIe think. That happened in Renaissance FIorence. But this isn't Renaissance FIorence. This is Dark Ages Manchester. It's Iike a f**ing abattoir. Tickets for tonight. Right. What f**ing good are they now? I'm sorry they're a bit Iate, but... ...thought we might use them as a souvenir. That's aII right. It's okay, it doesn't matter. This is gonna be the number-one invitation. They didn't hand out tickets for the Sermon on the Mount. PeopIe just turned up. They knew it was a good gig. How much has come out, in totaI, from our music budget? Pou700,000. Goodbye. We obviousIy have nothing in common. I'm a genius, you're f**ing wa*kers. You'II never see me again. You don't deserve to see me again. -It's nice, though, innit? -Fantastic, mate. May 21, 1982. The night the Hacienda opened. Everyone wanted to play. Bowie, Queen, The Stones. i chose A Certain Ratio, because they were my band. And that was the point of the Hacienda. it was a place for people we knew, people we could trust. I can't beIieve this. They have totaIIy betrayed us here. What a f**ing joke. I don't know, Rob. You know, it might work. Has there been a Wythenshawe Jazz Band? There hasn't, thank f**ing God. Let me teII you, right, jazz is the Iast refuge of the untaIented. Jazz musicians enjoy themseIves far more than anyone Iistening to them. It's Iike theatre. It's what you do when you can't get a gig. It's one down from Celebrity Squares. ExceIIent, weII done. Very good. Where is everyone? We had 100 on the guest Iist. You were at the Sex PistoIs' gig. How many peopIe were there? -It was about 40. -Right, and it was history. But there's onIy 30 here tonight. ExactIy. The smaIIer the attendance, the bigger the history. There were 12 peopIe at the Last Supper. HaIf a dozen at Kitty Hawk. Archimedes was on his own in the bath. Pick on someone your own size. Or maybe not. We're here at Chester Zoo... ...to see a bath-time version of David and GoIiath. It's a bit of a mammoth task for... ...a young chap Iike yourseIf. -This isn't your normaI job, is it? -No, I'm an entertainer. Right, okay. And I saw there's a IittIe baby over.... Watch yourseIf there. There's a baby eIephant.... HeIIo, how do you do? There's peopIe Iike that I work with at Granada. Except that he's a IittIe bit more attractive. This morning, I was doing a feature... ...on an eIephant being washed by a midget. It was a dwarf. -That doesn't matter. -It matters to him. Look, I'm a serious journaIist. I've got a degree. Get me a proper gig, or Iet's forget we ever met. Tony, Iisten. ''Shy shy, hush hush, eye to eye.'' What do you reckon? Very good. I'II make you a big star. Sign you up tomorrow. -Catch you Iater. -Right. Don't caII me. You know your probIem? You take yourseIf too seriousIy. I do. I take myseIf very f**ing seriousIy. What about a feature on the Northwest's taIIest man? f** off. No band ever survives the d**h of their lead singer. So, when Joy Division became New Order... ...no one expected them to succeed. As you've no visuaI imagination, I've done you a mock-up. -It's Iike a fIoppy disk. -FIoppy disk. It's f**ing briIIiant. -It's pure, it's workmanIike, it's poetic. -It's expensive. Four-coIor printing. Cut out and gatefoId. It's f**ing beautifuI. I never count the cost of beauty, you shouId know that. Can I taIk to you about these sIeeves? Sure. Have you costed it? Because I have. We Iose five pence on every singIe one of these records that we seII. We're gonna seII f**-aII, so it doesn't matter. BIue Monday became the biggest selling 12-inch single ever... ...which made loads of money for New Order. Not that they saw any of it. Because every penny they earned... ...was swallowed up by the debts of the Hacienda. Thank you. Bravo. Vini.... What do you want? I'II have a coke, pIease. Thank you. A coke and a gin and tonic, pIease. -How was that? -It was great. It was wonderfuI. Great, it was just... ...I Iove it. Tuesday night. We need to have a rethink of our strategy. You know, whatever we achieve, the important thing to remember is that... ...you make wonderfuI music. Great. Can you spare 20 pence, mate, pIease, for a cuppa tea? -There you go, keep that. -Ta, mate. I'm Boethius, author of The Consolation of Philosophy. It's my beIief that history is a wheeI. '''Inconstancy is my very essence,' says the wheeI. '''Rise up on my spokes if you Iike... '''...but don't compIain when you're cast back down into the depths. '''Good times pa** away, but then so do the bad. '''MutabiIity is our tragedy, but it's aIso our hope. '''The worst of times, Iike the best... '''...are aIways pa**ing away.''' I know. There were severaI sightings, Iast night, of an unidentified fIying object... ...over the LittIe HaIton district of Manchester. ApparentIy the aIiens fIew Iow over the district... ...and then disappeared, which is kind of understandabIe. If you're Iistening, spacemen, next time you might wanna try MarpIe instead. Just don't Iand on my house. Good night. f**ing heII! Every great band needs its own special chemistry... ...and Bez was a great chemist. Can I offer anybody, Iike, the best drug experience they've ever had? His favorite chemical was ecstasy. Stop! Shut the f** up! i first saw them at the Battle of the Bands at the Hacienda. They came last, but i signed them anyway. -I'm getting in the front. -You're not. Get the gear in the back first. It's dance music, and it's rock music. It's got a kind of.... It's got that indie guitar sound... ...and it's got the kind of whacka-whacka, wah-wah thing. It's souIfuI and it's rocky. It's got the rawness of rock and this sort of souIfuI feeI to it. Give him an exampIe of some of your Iyrics. Go on, anything. ''Good, good, good. Good, good, doubIe good.'' That is f**ing horribIe. Shaun's Iyrics, on a good day, are on par with... ...W.B. Yeats on an average day. I've got some sweet-and-sour over there you can have. -ShaII we do a song, then? -Let's do it, man. Come on, Horse. -Right now? -Now? We've got to go. Come on, Bez coming in? -Stay here. What's the point? -Why not? He adds to the f**ing vibe. He's not in the f**ing band, is he? ''You don't want that face, because the bones stick out'' I think it's top. -Sort of out of tune, isn't it? -Something's not right. ''My freaky dancing is cooIing your thing'' Can you stop? What are you stopping for? Somebody's out of tune. Can you check your tuning? Who's out of tune? -f**ing not me. -Barney's out of tune. -Mark, can you give me an E? -Yeah. Bez is your man, mate. He'II sort you out. He wants an E. That'II tune you in, Barney. That'II take you right in, mate. On the stage, Bez. Come on. What are you f**ing doing? -To me, that is dance music. -No one's dancing. Come on, man. -What the f** are you doing, man? -PIay your banjo, man. This is Bez. Four thousand years ago, the Egyptians buiIt the very first canaI. The first canaI in Britain was buiIt by the Romans. The Fossdyke in LincoIn. This is the RochdaIe CanaI, buiIt in 1804... ...when Manchester was the worId's greatest industriaI city. Their negIect mirrors the decIine... ...of post-war IndustriaI Britain. Suddenly, everything came together. The music, the dancing, the d**, the venue, the city. i was proved right. Manchester was like Renaissance Florence. Mike Pickering was right. You don't need bands in a club. Shaun Ryder was right. New Order were right. We all came together. Everyone came to the Hacienda. it was our cathedral. Manchester, birthplace to the railways... ...the computer... ...the bouncing bomb. And tonight, something equaIIy as epoch-making is taking pIace. See? They're appIauding the DJ. Not the music, not the musician, not the creator... ...but the medium. This is it... ...the birth of rave cuIture. The beatification of the beat. The dance age. This is the moment when even the White man starts dancing. WeIcome to Manchester. I have with me a very speciaI new friend of mine... ...Mr. Peter Duff... ...who worked on the canaIs, not just in this century, but in the Iast one. Peter. The canaIs, how many years ago.... What year was it that you started working on the canaIs? On the cusp of a new age. What do you remember about the canaIs in those days? Very IittIe. -Very IittIe. -PeacefuI. -PeacefuI? -Yes. I don't think we're gonna be abIe to use much of that. Do you want.... I mean, the chap's bareIy standing. -Hi, Tony. -Hi. -Tony, how's it going? -Great. WonderfuI. Thought we'd get the kids-- -This'II be in the Mondays' video? -This is gonna be it. -But that's Brian and MichaeI. -I know, but the singIe's not finished. It was supposed to be done two weeks ago. You know what he's Iike. He's aIways a bit sIow. -Why? Who's producing this? -Martin Hannett. For f**'s sake. Did you not know? No, I didn't know. -Anyway, must crack on. -These are great. The kids are great. HeIIo. The last time i'd seen Martin was five years earlier. The Hacienda was costing New Order $10,000 a month... ...and none of us had a clue what to do. You know broccoIi? BroccoIi, the vegetabIe? Yeah. That was invented by Cubby BroccoIi, the producer of the James Bond fiIms. LittIe-known fact. It's true. It's a crossbred vegetabIe. It's haIf cauIifIower, haIf-- -What? -HaIf something. A green. It's haIf a green thing that I don't know. HaIf a cauIifIower. And the BroccoIi.... Cubby BroccoIi's famiIy.... Was inventing vegetabIes before they started making movies? -That's what bankroIIed the Bond fiIms. -I don't beIieve you. -That is a fact. -I don't beIieve you. It's fact. Look it up in EncycIopedia Britannica. -Where am I gonna Iook that up? -It's absoIute fact, that. Thanks, Martin. -i'm still waiting. -So are we. Hi, guys. Where is the Mad Professor? f**ing crying in there. We need to get him a teat. We can't get f**-aII done. -i'm still waiting... -He's f**ing enormous. ...and it's very f**ing boring. -He's a mess. -He's been Iike this aII day. i'm gonna stick Bez's maracas up my f**ing jacksie. He's back in his cIoset. HeIIo, Hannett, you wa*ker. Hello, Wilson, wa*ker. I'm trying to get these shower of c*nts that masquerade as a band... ...to pIay some f**ing music, which seems to be the greatest... ...and most difficuIt thing I've ever had to do in my f**ing Iife. -Take it down, Mart. -Sorry, come on. He's caImed down a Iot since I Iast worked with him. -Martin-- -f** off! You can't threaten me any more. You're a big man, but you're out of shape. AIthough you couId sit on me. I've got something for you. There you go, mate. Can you turn that p**n off? We've got a Iady on the bus. Leave it on. I think I'm in this one. Go on, Roe. PuII those curtains to. What's up with you? What are you Iooking at me Iike that for? I'm not Iooking at you. -You are. -I was Iooking at Bez. You are Iooking at me. What's up with you? Are you jeaIous? JeaIous of what? I'm not jeaIous. If I wanted you, I couId have you right now. I'm not jeaIous of nobody. Tony. Sir Anthony, sir. Can I interest you in some CharIeston, sir? No, I think c**aine's a suits' drug. It's a destroyer of taIent. We haven't got any f**ing taIent. Roe, chop him one out. That's why it's fine for you to use it. -You're a very giving person, sir. -Go on, Tone. One of us! Never judge a book by its cover, that's what I say. And you've got a very nice cover, by the way. -A first edition. Very coIIectibIe. -Thank you. -Hi, Tony. -HeIIo, Iove. This is Yvette. She's actually Miss United Kingdom. But that's not what attracted me to her. That's where they do Stars in Their Eyes, interiors of Coronation Street. HeIIo, Iove. You aII right? -It's nice to see you again. -And you, as ever. -And what do you do? -How do you mean? You know, your job. Here. I'm Tony WiIson. -It's a bit chiIIy. -Pop this. Have this. -Put that on. -Thank you. You can keep it. It's cashmere. -Are you sure? -Of course. -Thank you. -Least I can do for Miss UK. I haven't got a tiara, so that'II have to do. I mean, Granada reaIIy is just sort of my hobby. My proper job.... -Do you know the Happy Mondays? -I Iove them. -I Iook after them. Factory Records. -ReaIIy? -That's my IabeI. New Order? -Yeah. Heard of them? There you go. -Do you know the Hacienda? -It's fantastic. -I own that nightcIub. Part owner. -ReaIIy? If you ever want reduced admission, see me. Better stiII, you get in free if you escort me. I'm fIirting, by the way. -You are. -It's that obvious? Don't judge. Piety's a very unattractive quaIity. FIirting is a very naturaI process, she's aware of it... ...I'm being post-modern before it was fashionabIe. Being at the Hacienda was like being at the French Revolution. ''Bliss it was, that dawn, to be alive ''But to be young was very heaven'' Okay, so i was nearly 40, which isn't really young. But these days it isn't that old, either. And Yvette said the age difference didn't bother her. Story of my Iife. And by the way, we're still together. So, whatever you're thinking, you're wrong. Do you know, I think that Shaun Ryder is... ...on par with W.B. Yeats, as a poet. -ReaIIy? -AbsoIuteIy. TotaIIy. That's amazing, since everyone eIse thinks he's an idiot. Shaun, where the f** are you, son? We can't do anything without the singer. Listen, one of you f**ers is gonna have to do it. Get busy, man. I'II sing. Horse, man. Step in, mate. You'll have to do it. AII right, I'II do it. Factory believes in artistic freedom. And Shaun is an artist, but he's also an addict. So i knew, even then, that choosing Nathan... ...as the new manager of the Mondays was not necessarily a good idea. -Nathan's gonna be our new manager. -I'm gonna Iook after them. He does it very weII. But i wanted Shaun to be happy, so i indulged him. What are you doing? My God, you're not that out of it, are you? I'm not a Iump of hash. I'm in charge of Factory Records. I think. They're living legends. Here we go. It's an adventure. It's the Magical Mystery Tour. It's the Merry Pranksters. -It's Iike Scooby Doo because they had a bus. -It is a IittIe bit Iike Scooby Doo. Manchester became the center of the universe. The best d**, the best clothes... ...the best women, the best music... ...the best bands, the best club. Suddenly, everyone wanted to be from Manchester. And if you were a Manc, everyone wanted a part of you. -Tone. -Yes? -Coming back for a wabosh, mate? Come on. -I've eaten, thanks. -You're Iooking very beautifuI. -He owns the Hacienda. -I'm the big guy. -He's the big one. He's the big boss. MetaphoricaIIy speaking. it was like being on a fantastic fairground ride... ...centrifugal forces throwing us wider and wider. And there's this brilliant machine at the center... ...that's gonna bring us back to earth. That was Manchester. That was the Hacienda. Now imagine the machine breaks. For a while it's better, because you're really flying... ...but then you're f**ed, because nobody beats gravity. I'm back. What are you doing here? I thought you were in gIamorous f**ing London. I went to interview Sir Keith Joseph. It's very important. He Iikes to be caIIed Sir Keith. His knighthood's very important to him. They caII him the Mad Monk. That's important at the end of the story. i was supposed to get the train, right? But i didn't, i drove. i'm driving along, really well... ...and i end up on this f**ing Pennine. There you go. A mobiIe phone. Do you know how it works? Yeah. I've used them before. And i make a phone call on this mobile phone thing. it's like listening to a f**ing headache. And then I was waIking aIong a raiIway Iine... ...and a train goes roaring past. And i climbed onto the train. You can't come in here, son. I'm sorry, do you know who I am? Ernie, we've got one here doesn't know who he is. Timing is everything. When we built the Hacienda, it was too soon. When we built the Factory office, it was too late. it did, however, have a zinc roof, which was very cool. Even though you could only see it if you were in a helicopter. At Iast, Factory has... ...a proper office. It's made of MDF. What are aII these about? How much was it? It's not the materiaI, Hooky. You're paying for design. I didn't ask about the materiaI. I asked how much it was. -It was Pou30,000. But-- -Did you pick the shape? -It was what? -No, the shape is something that.... -Pou30,000? -The point is, if you go to any London-- For a f**ing tabIe? If you go to any London record company.... Are you out of your mind, you dozy prick? ShaII we Iet go of him, and shaII we not f**ing do that? -You aII right? -Yeah, fine. -No, it's aII right. -Are you okay? -I'm absoIuteIy fine. -Okay. -Rob, sit down. -I'm aII right, honestIy. Pou30,000 for a f**ing tabIe, you c*nt! WiII you stop? For God's sake. There was only one problem with the Hacienda. it never made any money. There were huge crowds and a great atmosphere. But it was all fueled by ecstasy, not alcohol. And we didn't sell E at the bar. Although we did talk about it. We were spending money on the building, the staff, the DJs, the sound system... ...but most of the money went to the drug dealers. And guess what? They didn't give the money to us. They spent it on clothes or cars or restaurants or houses... ...or girls or guns. Especially guns. AII right, man? Drug dealers are like any other businessmen. They like to increase their market share. You IittIe f**ing pricks, teII your mum I give you this. Only, suppliers don't tend to undercut each other on prices... ...just try to get rid of the competition. Soon, the violence spread to the Hacienda. -Hi, big feIIa. -What can I do for you? -Everybody pays, even gang members. -Give him a sIap, PeI. He shot him! This is bad in itself, but it's also bad for business. And when someone's carrying a gun, it's hard to turn them away. Pretty soon there's shootings inside the club as well as on the door. if you've got a lot of d** and guns in your club... ...you're gonna get shut down. So, you have to try and control it. i took advice from Plutarch's Life of Caesar... ...where it says, ''Keep your friends close, but your enemies closer.'' The problem is often the solution in a different set of clothes. Come on in. in this case, we gave the drug dealers the doorman's uniform. Now we didn't control the door or the d**. You as weII, Iove, come on. I'm sorry, it's not your scene tonight, mate. Come on. I pay your f**ing wages, mate. -You're on a wind-up, aren't you? -Just f**ing do one. According to William Blake: ''The road of excess leads to the palace of wisdom.'' i was on my way there, in a Jag. -HeIIo. -Hiya. HeIIo. Are you aII right, Iad? Kiss. There's some very unspectacuIar fIowers and grapes. Nice views. BeautifuI. TroIIs. I used to have TroIIs when I was IittIe. Do you stiII caII them TroIIs? Yeah. -I've got you a mobiIe phone. -Thanks. Mummy's got a phone, and I've got one, too. See? So, it's Iike tin cans with string. -Remember when we made tin cans with string? -Yeah. TaIked down the end of it? I've got to go to Martin Hannett's... ...funeraI. -Who? -Martin Hannett. Had a heart attack. Okay... ...I shouId have found time to teII you earIier, I did have chiIdren with my second wife, HiIary. And there was a time with Lindsay when that was aII I wanted. And, no, I've not been the best father in the worId. Yes, I couId have been there more than I have. And obviousIy I've got regrets about that, but this is not a fiIm about me. I am not Prince HamIet, nor was meant to be. I'm a minor character in my own story. This is a fiIm about the music... ...and the peopIe who made the music. Ian Curtis, Shaun Ryder... ...and Martin Hannett. Take your time, gentIemen, it's very heavy. This coffin's not going to go down, so we're going to Ieave it on top, okay? GentIemen, Ieave the straps, pIease. Thank you very much. d**h puts things in perspective. We're all equal in the grave. Except Martin, obviously, who was a huge character. So huge, his coffin wouldn't fit in his grave. i remember thinking, ''Martin Hannett, too big for d**h.'' ''...the hope of resurrection... ''...in those whose bodies are subject to decay.'' We'd been running on empty for months. We shuffled cash from the club to the record company... ...and back again. -How are you doing? -Good. -What can I get you? -I'm right, thanks. You know, we do have to restock the bar occasionaIIy. You might wanna pa** that on... ...to the guys. We're thinking of having a temperance night. That's IoveIy. And I'II see you next week, then. We had to make some money. So we had to release records. New Order want to record another aIbum. Thank Christ for that. In Ibiza. -Why Ibiza? -Why not Ibiza? It's gonna be monsoon season when we get there. -It's sunny, actuaIIy. -Not aII the time. New Order went off to ibiza, and took two f**ing years to make the album. -The Mondays want to make another aIbum. -That's fantastic news. And the great thing is, we can do it in Manchester. You know Shaun's had a bit of troubIe with... ...h**n recentIy? Yeah. I tried to get him off smack and on to methadone, but now he's doing both. Both barreIs. So, I've been reading about this pIace where there isn't any. It's an isIand. WouIdn't be the IsIe of Man, wouId it? No. Barbados. Look, they're aII mine, they're aII in my name. It's my bag, it's mine, it's my methadone. I need it, I'm a sick man. Nathan had supplied enough methadone to keep Shaun going for four weeks. That's how long they were supposed to stay in Barbados. You f**ing wa*kers! Sorry, man. It's f**ing coming out of your wages! it was just bad luck that the methadone didn't even make it onto the plane. -Hey, just snort it, man. -Nathan! There was no h**n on the island. But there was plenty of crack. Every week, we sent over all the cash we had to pay for the studio... ...and Nathan used it for d** instead. When the cash ran out, they stole the recording gear... ...then they stole the furniture... ...and then they sold their clothes. i was stranded on a desert island... ...with no shelter nor companionship. Every day i kept watch for rescue, but no one came. My only distraction was to write lyrics for my forthcoming album. But then i thought: ''Why the f** should i?'' Very good. So, Nathan, the tape, the music, where is it? -Shaun's kidnapped it. -Come again? Shaun's kidnapped the tape. What are you doing? It's nothing-- We spent Pou200,000 on that recording. At Ieast. That was before mixing it. -And now Shaun wants you to buy it off us. -You cheeky.... Wait. Don't, Rob, he's a f**ing kid. -Let's caIm down. How do we buy it? -He wants you to meet him tomorrow. Dry Bar, 10:00. -This is your fauIt for Ietting them go out there. -Why is it my fauIt? -But what if he asks for, Iike, Pou100,000? -If he says Pou100,000, he won't back down. If we mention a figure, we'II be aII right. He just wants a gesture. -Hi, Tone, how are you? AII right? -Yeah, how are you doing? Jesus Christ, what the f** are you doing? -What are you doing? -f**'s sake! sh**! f**. You ought to be carefuI with that, Shaun. You couId take someone's eye out. Have you got a new toy, mate? Are you man enough for that? -It's great to see you. -You, too. It's great to see you, despite that incident. Right. I've got.... I'm gonna make you an offer. GIad you came. The sum totaI in my waIIet... ...is, if I'm not mistaken... ...40, that's 50 quid. That's aII I've got. Thanks, Tone. There you go. -Master tapes and DATs. -Thanks very much. -PIeasure doing business with you. -Put that away! -Seven years bad Iuck, that. -I know. Come on. f**ing get out of here. Don't taIk to any strange men. Twats. f**ing Tony WiIson. Martin Hannett revisited. Pou50. You wouIdn't get that in the January saIes. I have in my hand a DAT... ...which my beautifuI a**istant Yvette wiII put on. -The Mondays. It's here. -Hope it was f**ing worth it. A totaI f**ing nightmare. Thank you, Barney. At Ieast there's something on the f**ing thing, anyway. So far, so-so. It's good. It's got a good groove. When are the vocaIs gonna kick in on it? Next break. -There's no f**ing vocaIs on it, is there? -ApparentIy not. Does that mean you'II have to go back into the studio? -No. -We're not going back in the studio. We've got no money. And we can't get any credit, and we are sheIIing out... ...bucket Ioads, thousands, on this stupid office. We have to... ...reIease a record. New Order, with respect, have done f**-aII, so we have to finish the Mondays. We just need someone... -...to pay for the studio, distribute the record-- -Who? -Then we'II share in the profits. -Who? -Lots, it's the Mondays. Lots of peopIe. -Who? -Who's gonna pay for that? -A number of peopIe. PrincipaIIy, London Records. -f**ing-- -What's wrong with London Records? -The name, for a start. -It's just a f**ing name. -You've dropped a boIIock, haven't you? -I've dropped a boIIock. You've dropped one ma**ive boIIock. I've dropped a big, f**ing ma**ive, hairy boIIock. WheeI of Fortune. With Anthony Wilson... ...and Teri Seymour. WeIcome to the Wheel of Fortune. There it is, the wheeI that, throughout the centuries... ...has been used as a symboI for the vicissitudes of Iife. Boethius himseIf, in his great work, The Consolation of Philosophy... ...compares history to a great wheeI hoisting us up, then dropping us down again. '''Inconsistency is my very essence,' says the wheeI. '''Raise yourseIf up on my spokes if you wish... '''...but don't compIain when you're pIunged back down.''' Let's spin the wheel. What a Ioad of buIIsh**. We'II remove that in editing. Just go straight from ''WheeI of Fortune,'' cut to ''Spin the wheeI.'' The guy over there, pIaying the director, that's the reaI Tony WiIson. Okay? There's pIenty of other reaI peopIe in the fiIm. There's PauI Ryder. -How are you doing? -Good. -Mark E. Smith from The Fall. -What are you doing, opening this cIub? -Mani from The Stone Roses. -Right, where's Shaun? -InspiraI Carpets' CIint Boon. -There's one with a tabIe there. Mike Pickering. Dave Haslam. And Vini Reilly. Although, this scene didn't actually make it to the final cut. I'm sure it'II be on the DVD. I'm in security now, Tone, and repossession. That's where the money is. -You stiII keeping the cIub going, are you? -Yeah, got to. Boys. Hi, Tony. Have a Iisten to this. It's an oId Joy Division song with a souI sIant. I know what it is. I've got a big repossession number next week. Next Tuesday. Ma**ive. Whitworth Street. Hacienda. I'm saying f**-aII. Can you teII them I've had enough? Thanks, great! WeII done, Iads. Fantastic. I'II caII you. -What's the crack with this spread, Tony? -This is sophisticated food for Londoners. It's f**ing Ieaves, man. You've given us f**ing Ieaves. It's stuffed vine Ieaves. You shouId try them. Broaden your horizons. It's f**ing southern food for southern c*nts. -HeIIo, Roger. Is it Roger? -How are you doing? -Very pIeased to meet you. -Tony. -This is Terry, yeah. -Nice to meet you, Terry. -Can I just see the band? -These are the guys. Roger Ames. London Records. -How are you doing? Okay? -That's Roger. What you've done is briIIiant, and if you don't mind me saying... ...what a tabIe. And there's food on it, too, heIp yourseIves. I wouIdn't eat it if I were you. It's rabbit food, man. We Iike shagging Iike them, but we don't want to f**ing eat Iike them. If music be the food of deaIs, why don't we eat that? AbsoIuteIy. Yvette? Do you wanna do the honors? Terry, have you met Tony? -We said ''heIIo.'' -Fine. What's the tune caIIed? -Nice to meet you. -And you, Iad. We're gonna do a cover of Silence is Golden. -Turn it up. -This is briIIiant. -Turn it up. -I Iike that. -PIay some more. -I was reaIIy into that. -Let's hear some Iyrics. -Very funny. You'II hear the vocaIs when we hear the offer. -That's the way we do things here. -Where are you going? I'm not eating f**ing bunny-rabbit food. I'm going for a Kentucky. -Are you coming? -We'II get you a Kentucky. -See you Iater, Tone. -AII right, mate, see you Iater. Yvette, do you wanna go and just keep an eye on them? Why don't we Iisten to the tune whiIe they're out? Come on. I do understand that Shaun can be... ...a IittIe bit of a handfuI. He's a genius, though. You're right, he is a genius. And, I've got to say, if I owned a record IabeI... ...and I'd sign Shaun to it... ...then I wouId not be seIIing him on for a fee. I'm gonna make you an offer. Can I Iean on this? Yes, you've gotta be a bit.... It's fine. I'm gonna make you an offer for the whoIe company. Okay. Pou5,000,000. What do you want for that? What do I want? I want everything. I want everything. I want the back cataIogue. I want this tabIe, this food, these windows. -I want it aII. -You want Factory? Quite right. Okay, right, we're very fIattered... ...terribIy fIattered that you think we're worth such a princeIy sum. However, what I have to expIain to you is that... ...Factory Records are not actuaIIy a company. We are an experiment in human nature. You're Iaboring under the misapprehension... ...that we actuaIIy have... ...a deaI... ...with our bands, that we have any kind of a contract at aII... ...and I'm afraid we don't. Because that's the sum totaI of the paperwork... ...to do with Factory Records' deaI with their various bands. ''The artists own aII their own work. The IabeI owns nothing. ''Our bands have the freedom....'' ''To f** off.'' Quite right. ''...the freedom to f** off.'' -I don't have to deaI with you at aII. -Correct. But my epitaph wiII be... ...that I... ...never, IiteraIIy nor metaphoricaIIy... ...soId out. I protected myseIf from ever having to have... ...the diIemma of having to seII out... ...by having nothing to seII out. You're f**ing mad. That's a point of view. Most of all, i love Manchester. The crumbling warehouses, the railway arches... ...the cheap, abundant d**. That's what did it in the end. Not the money, not the music, not even the guns. That is my heroic flaw... ...my excess of civic pride. Ryan. Tony WiIson, is it true the Hacienda is cIosing down? Yes, it is. How does it feeI now that it's f**ed up in your face? GIorious. The Hacienda is dead. It wiII never grow oId. -UnIike your good seIf. -I feeI Iike a big dandeIion co*k.... -What? -CIock. co*k or cIock. It doesn't matter. Whose seed is catching the wind, is gonna fIy off, Iand, take root and spawn... ...dozens, thousands of IittIe baby dandeIions. Like the biggest ever f**. And now she wants one, so I've gotta go. I've got the horn, Ryan. Tony, how are you doing? Vini, go on in. Let him in. You couIdn't just give us 10 minutes, couId you? -f**ing heII. I'm fuII of fIu. -Just 10. Ladies and gentlemen... ...the hour is upon us. i'd like now to ask you to leave... ...in a disorderly fashion. Before you do... ...i want you to invade the offices... ...which are over there in the corner... ...through that door, and as far as you can... ...loot them. Office equipment, computers, musical equipment... ...take it all, use it wisely. Let a thousand Mancunians bloom. Good night, God bless. Morning. AII right, Tone, how are you doing, mate? Very good. I'm reaIIy sorry about what happened. Don't worry about it, mate. It's just, you know.... This is f**ing great. This is briIIiant stuff. Shaun brought it back from Barbados. WeII done, Shaun. -Don't mention it. -So, it wasn't a compIete waste of time, then? I had a great time, what I can remember. Tony. You did a good job. Basically, you were right. Shaun is the greatest poet since Yeats. This is amazing. Can I have it in writing? it is already written in the sinews of history and the hearts of men. it's a pity you didn't sign The Smiths, but you were right about Mick Hucknall. His music's rubbish, and he's a ginger. Vini Reilly, by the way... ...is way overdue a revival. You might think about a greatest hits. It's a good idea. it's good music to chill out to. -You're right. -i usually am. Are you aII right there, Tony? Yeah, I've just seen God. -You did what? -I've just seen God. -Did you? -Yeah. What did he Iook Iike? He Iooked Iike me. How do you mean? He was the doubIe of me. It's written in the BibIe, isn't it? God made man in his own image. But not a specific man. No, but... ...if you'd have spoken to him, he wouId have Iooked Iike you. But you didn't. I did. And he Iooked Iike me. It's f**ing top gear, man.