[Intro] Rupert Brown! You alright, duck? You out tonight? Yeah, where you going? Down bottoms? Right Check my new watch out, £9.99 from Argos Yo [Verse 1] I ain't got a Rolex, can't afford one Not even a fake one or a small one Spent my money on weed, now it's all gone I ain't even got a plate to put my fork on Signing on day, gotta get my walk on Make an excuse, gotta get my talk on I don't drink Champers, it's Lambrini My mountain bike and my Lamborghini It's Richmond f*gs, so it's not Benson I'm Simply Red, money's too tight to mention Hole in my sicks, my trainers got paint on T-shirts fading, it ain't got a name on My best chat up line is "You come here often?" She starts laughing and hides it by coughing "Why's a girl like you in a place like this? What, why is my face like this?" Cus I ain't got a Rolex, I got a Casio Buy me a drink cus I'm waiting for my dole check We can go back to my one-room flat I'm not a weirdo and I don't smoke crack So don't worry we can have beans on toast If you stop at the shop and buy me a loaf [Hook] x2 I'm going home with a girl I don't know yet Next thing, she's wearing my Casio Got no dough I ain't even got a phone yet I'm too broke I ain't got a Rolex [Verse 2] Yo, I ain't got a Beamer I got a Cortina I'm going to pick up my girl Paulina She looks like J-Lo she's 30 stone Got six dogs and lives in a dirty home But she knows how to s** dick and cook for dinner A bonus, that's why I'm onto a winner Hi-Tech boots, tracksuit's Diadora I think you'd adore her if you saw her She don't use make up, she uses Mach Gloss She smokes a cigar like a factory fat boss Really really love her Never love another Even though she had an affair with my brother She got an arse like rubber But when I first tried to shag her I bounced round the room like Flubber She spends all day in a big arm chair No I don't care about her armpit hair Cus I really like her, she's my baby Drives me crazy, my number one lady Or maybe, we could have a baby But she won't shag, she's too fat and lazy She sits at home, picks her nose And don't really ever ever change her clothes She's my honey, she's so funny I don't give a toss if I've got no money [Hook] x2 [Bridge] x2 One, gla** of Irn Bru for you Two, gla** of Irn Bru for me Three, now do the Casio Sweep Uh, uh, do the Casio Sweep [Hook] x2 [Outro] Rupert Brown through your radio station All you broke cats out there living on the dole On some f**ed up council estate Pushing a Sierra In fact, towing a Sierra with a Cortina With a three wheel van in front