Saturday Night Live - Season 1 Episode 1: Academy Of Better Careers lyrics

[Phone rings in someone's home. A woman picks up.] Woman: Hello? [A high pressure salesman, wearing a checkered suit, appears in a superimposed oval, inset next to the woman.] Salesman: Hello! By just answering this phone call, you have qualified for a challenging new career that could earn you up to eighty dollars a day! Woman: [enthusiastic] Tell me more! [She listens with interest, sipping from a cup, as the salesman rattles on.] Salesman: Did you know that the recent glut of late night TV ads for so-called training schools has created a demand for sk**ed phone answerers to take calls and write down messages? It's true. The countless schools and institutions that teach you computer programming, motel management, airport surveillance and diesel mechanics -- to name but a few -- desperately need operators to stand by at the end of their TV ads. Now, ABC [superimposed text reads: Not Affiliated With The American Broadcasting Company] -- the Academy of Better Careers -- offers you the chance to become one of these sought after, high paid stand-by operators. [Goofy music begins as we cut to a cla**room full of people practicing the fine art of picking up a telephone receiver and saying "Hello" -- an instructor coaches one of the students but the rest are on their own, picking up receivers and putting them down.] Salesman: You'll learn the latest up to the minute phone answering techniques from our staff of experienced instructors. [An attractive woman sits in a chair and reads a colorful children's book entitled VISIT TO PHONELAND. It features a cartoon character of a smiling phone on the cover.] Salesman: You'll explore the telephone -- its past, its present -- and even the amazing picture phones of the future. [A bespectacled lecturer in suit and tie uses a pointer as he reads from a chalkboard upon which are listed "AREA CODES OF MANY NATIONS" such as CEYLON - 94; CHAD - 235; CHILE - 56; COOKS IS. 685; and COSTA RICA - 506.] Salesman: In only six weeks, our experts will show you everything you need to know to answer phones professionally. Lecturer: Ceylon - nine, four. Chad... [Music ends as we cut back to the woman on the phone, still listening intently to the salesman.] Salesman: ABC is veteran-approved by the Federal Board of Public Instruction and is eligible under the Student-- Woman: Excuse me, Mister. I have to get off. Salesman: But where are you going? Woman: To call ABC and start my new career as a sought after, high paid stand-by operator! [The woman hangs up on the stunned salesman. She starts drinking from her cup. The salesman reappears in a superimposed square, inset next to her.] Salesman: Hey! Don't let life put you on hold! [Startled by his reappearance, the woman puts down her cup and picks up her phone.] Become a stand-by operator! Call now for free booklet! [Superimposed text reads: CALL NOW (311) 555-4425] Call (311) 555-4425. [Woman, hearing the number, starts to dial.] That's (311) 555-4425. Operators are standing by to take your call.