Rob McElhenney - Charlie Wants An Abortion Script lyrics

EXT BASEBALL COURT The intro: 11:45 AM. On a Tuesday. Philadelphia, PA. Mac and Dennis are playing basketball DENNIS: No, dude. It's not It's not a question of individual style. It's about having some taste. MAC: You're attacking my ability to express myself, dude. DENNIS: How am I attacking your ability to... I just don't get it. MAC: (points at his shirt) What's not to get? "Come to Philly for the crack." It has a picture of the Liberty Bell on it. It's funny and original. DENNIS: Yeah, but... It's not fun... How is it funny and original? Every a**hole on South Street's wearing a T-shirt with an ironic slogan on it. MAC: Well, excuse me if all my T-shirts don't have a little guy playing polo on the lapel. DENNIS: You cut the sleeves off of all your T-shirts. What, so you can show off your tats? Those are really original, dude. MAC: They're tribal. DENNIS: Oh, they're trib... I'm sorry. What tribe are you from? - What? Is it, like, an Indian tribe or Charlie walks up to 'em CHARLIE: Okay, okay, okay. You guys gonna let me in this game or what? DENNIS: No. You're the ref. CHARLIE: I don't want to ref anymore. I'd like to play, so MAC: You're an excellent ref. DENNIS: You're a very good ref. CHARLIE: Yeah, I know. I'm a great ref. And I'd like to play the game now. DENNIS: Are you gonna get mad? You gonna turn into the mad munchkin? CHARLIE: What's the ma... MAC: Do you represent the Lollipop Guild, Charlie? DENNIS: Do you? They all start doing the 'munchkin dance' WOMAN: Hey, Charlie. CHARLIE: That's a mad munchkin dance? Oh, okay. This is what we do? WOMAN: I need to talk to you. It's about our son! They all stop! DENNIS: Nobody wants to hear that. OPENING SEQUENCE INT. PADDY'S PUB - DAY DENNIS: So, wait, she's sayin' this is your son? MAC: I don't know. Sounds like a bunch of bullsh** to me, Charlie. CHARLIE: I know! I know it. There's, like, no way that this is possible. DEE: Well, did you have s** with her? CHARLIE: Yeah. DEE: Okay. Did you use birth control? MAC: Oh, Dee, we went to Catholic school, so - (shakes his head) DEE: Okay. You're allowed to have premarital s**, but you're not allowed to use birth control? CHARLIE: No. All right. You're twisting words here and, like, gettin' cute. DENNIS: When did she have this kid? CHARLIE: It's been, like, 10 years since I've even seen her, so DENNIS: Ten years? DEE: What does she want? CHARLIE: Well, that's that's the weird thing. She doesn't want money or anything. She just wants me to meet him. DEE: Are you gonna do it? CHARLIE: No. DENNIS: Well, dude, you gotta meet the kid. I mean, you gotta find out for sure. CHARLIE: Yeah, I guess. It's just I mean, I wish I could go back in time and do the right thing, you know? DEE: Like be there for him? CHARLIE: No. Get her an abortion. DEE: So you're not allowed to use birth control, but abortions are no problem? CHARLIE: All right. Okay. So now you're, like, a word genius. And everything I say, you twist it around and make me look dumb. DENNIS: Charlie's right though. He should have at least had a say in the matter. DEE: It's her body, and it's her decision. DENNIS: No, I'm sorry. It's not just her decision. The man should get a vote. DEE: Okay. Well, ultimately it's her choice. DENNIS: It is not just her choice. MAC: It's nobody's choice. It should be left up to God. They all look in disbelief to Mac DEE: Is he? Is that? Are you joking? MAC: No, it's not a joke! You remember Genesis, Book Two, Verse Three? "And he breathed into the nostrils of Adam on the first day. And it was good." DEE: Right in his nostrils, huh? Sounds really uncomfortable. DENNIS: (to Mac) You're making an a**hole out of yourself. (to Charlie) Dude, you need to get a blood test, okay? I remember Stacy Corvelli. She was a s*ut. CHARLIE: You're right. You're right. Uh, Mac, what's God's stance on blood tests? Hmm. MAC: I don't know. I'd have to check. EXT. STACY CORVELLI'S HOUSE Charlie and Dennis walk up to her house, Dennis rings the doorbell DENNIS: All right, you feeling good? CHARLIE: No. I feel nauseous. I think I'm gonna go. I'm gonna run. DENNIS: No, no, no. It's CHARLIE: I should go. Stacy open the door STACY: Hey. Hey, Charlie. CHARLIE: Hi. DENNIS: Hey. STACY: You brought your, uh DENNIS: Uh, Dennis Reynolds. We didn't get a chance to talk before, but I remember you. Yeah. STACY: You went to St. Giles? DENNIS: I did. Yeah. With (points to Charlie) Yeah. STACY: So you two are together now, or BOTH: No. No. No. DENNIS: I'm just here for moral support. CHARLIE: Yeah, we're not That's not even a - I brought him along. STACY: So - All right. Come on in. They enter Stacy sits down and puts on shoes STACY: I'm real glad you decided to do this, Charlie. CHARLIE: Yeah. Well, uh, you know, it's the least I could do, so Yeah. STACY: Sorry I don't have a lot of time. I gotta get to work. Uh, Tommy, come on in here, Son! TOMMY: (screaming from his room) What do you want, Mom? STACY: He's a bit of a handful. Uh, Charlie and his friend are here. TOMMY: So goddamn what? STACY: Tommy, come in here, please! Tommy walks into the living room, kicks a nearby ball - right into Charlie's stomach TOMMY: This is bullsh**. DENNIS & CHARLIE: Whoa! STACY: Language, please. TOMMY: Which one of you f*gs is supposed to be my dad? CHARLIE: Whoa, hello. - Right off the bat with the -. STACY: Tommy, be nice. Huh? This is Charlie. TOMMY: Are you serious? This is the guy? CHARLIE: What's that... What's that supposed to mean, buddy? Okay. STACY: Well, I should be home around 8:00. Uh, what do you guys have planned? CHARLIE: Uh, I thought we'd go to the park. STACY: Huh. That sounds nice. Wanna go to the park, Tommy? TOMMY: I don't care. STACY: Okay. That's great. Bye, sweetie. Have fun, boys. She pets Tommy on his head and leaves the house TOMMY: I'm not goin' to the park. DENNIS: No sh**. INT. PUBLIC HEALTH CENTER - DAY Charlie is filling in a form, standing by a counter TOMMY: What is this place? CHARLIE: Uh, this is a place where we're gonna go see a special friend of mine. TOMMY: Why? CHARLIE 'Cause he's gonna help us figure something very important out. It's gonna be good to know. TOMMY: Why? CHARLIE: Because I said so. No more questions, okay, buddy? TOMMY: Why? CHARLIE: Stop saying "why. TOMMY: Why? CHARLIE: Stop it. TOMMY: Why? CHARLIE: I don't like this game. TOMMY: Why? CHARLIE: Is this a game? TOMMY: Why? CHARLIE: This is your game? TOMMY: Why? Cut to Dennis, sitting in the waiting room WOMAN: Hey, pretty boy. What you here for? DENNIS: My friend's gettin' a blood test. WOMAN: Your boyfriend? DENNIS: No. He's not my... He's not my boyfriend. WOMAN: He got AlDS? DENNIS: I don't I don't think so. WOMAN: Do you? DENNIS: No, I don't. WOMAN: I'll blow you for $10. She blows a kiss to him DENNIS: You know what? Let me consult some of this free literature they got here regarding that proposition. (takes a folder) Oh. You know what? According to this, that's not really a good idea. So I'm gonna have to pa**. But thanks. I appreciate it. Really nice of you. Tommy and Charlie sit down next to him CHARLIE: He's playin' mind games, dude. TOMMY: I wanna leave. CHARLIE: Hey, it's tough. TOMMY: What are we doin' here? CHARLIE: Don't answer that. It's a trick question. He tries to get in your head. It's a little game he plays. DENNIS: No, let let me answer the question. See, we're at a free clinic, Tommy. Charlie doesn't have health insurance. See this lady back here? (points to the woman he just talked with) Take a look. That's what you get when you don't have health insurance. TOMMY: I wanna go to the mall! CHARLIE: Keep your voice down. TOMMY: I wanna go to the mall! CHARLIE: Keep your voice TOMMY: I wanna go to the mall! CHARLIE: Stop yelling TOMMY: I wanna go to the CHARLIE: (shuts Tommy's mouth with his hand) Stop your yelling. We need to Ow! He's biting my hand! He's biting my hand! - Come on. Let's go. DENNIS: Let's go. They leave Cut to Sacred Right Office, where a lady sits at a desk answering phones EMPLOYEE: (answers phone) Sacred Right. It's a child, not a choice. Mm-hmm. All righty. I'll make sure he gets the message. Thank you. Mac walked in MAC: Hi. EMPLOYEE: Hi. MAC: So I was having an argument with some friends the other day. EMPLOYEE: Uh-huh. MAC: And I was wondering if you could help me out with some information. EMPLOYEE: Are you interested in joining our cause? MAC: No. No. Actually, just looking for some info on the Bible, Jesus, that kind of thing. EMPLOYEE: Well, if you join our mailing list, the reverend MAC: Okay, listen to me. I don't really wanna join your little freak show. Just looking for some information. So if you could point me in the right direction, that'd be great. EMPLOYEE: Well, we have some literature MAC: Great. Thank you. Thanks. EMPLOYEE: On the display back by the water cooler. Mac walks to the flyer stand, spots a hot chick behind one of the desks MAC: Oh, mama. He walks to her office MAC: Hey, there. MEGAN: Hi. MAC: Hey. MEGAN: Oh, are you here to sign up for the rally? MAC: Yes, I am. MEGAN: Great. MAC: Yeah, real excited about the rally. MEGAN: We're gonna kick a** this time. MAC: Well, I'm ready to kick somebody's a**, I'll tell you what. I hate those ba*tards. MEGAN: Wow! That's - Uh, hate's a very strong word. MAC: Yeah. Yeah, well, let me tell you something, (looks at name sign) Megan. I hate dead baby fetuses, you know? I hate them because they're dead, and they shouldn't be. They should be alive, and they should be loved. MEGAN: Oh! Wow! You just You seem really pa**ionate. MAC: Yeah. More than you know. INT. PADDY'S PUB Tommy is 'playing' with the Foosball table. Dennis, Dee and Charlie are at the bar DEE: Nice kid, Charlie. CHARLIE: What the hell do you think is wrong with that kid? DENNIS: You've gotta get that blood test, dude. TOMMY: (smacking the table with a pool cue) Die! Die! Die! CHARLIE: No! Hey! Whoa, Tommy! No! No! No! No! (Fighting with Tommy) Give me the stick! Give me the stick! TOMMY: Come on! This place s**s! I wanna go to the mall! CHARLIE: We can't go to the mall, all right? TOMMY: Shut up! I'm the boss of you! CHARLIE: You're not the boss of me! TOMMY: I am the boss! I wanna go to the mall! CHARLIE: I'll show you who's the boss of who. TOMMY: Let's go to the mall! CHARLIE: You wanna go to the mall? TOMMY: I wanna go to the mall! CHARLIE: You could ask nice. Dennis, let's go. We're goin' to the mall. DENNIS: I'm not spending any more time with that kid. CHARLIE: Come on, dude! Fine. Great. Dee Dee, will you just Can we go to the mall? Will you drive me? DEE: I guess, if Dennis watches the bar. DENNIS: That's fine. CHARLIE: Great. Fine. Thank you. Tommy knocks Charlie down with the Pool cue Cut to the mall, on the escalator TOMMY: You're ugly. CHARLIE: You're ugly. TOMMY: You're ugly! CHARLIE: You are the one that's ugly! DEE: Charlie! Jesus Christ! Are you almost 30? Are you almost 30 years old? CHARLIE: Yes! TOMMY: You have to buy me a toy! CHARLIE: I don't have to buy you sh**. TOMMY: If you don't buy me anything I'm gonna tell my mom you took me to a black people's house. DEE: Okay. CHARLIE: Wow! Oh, my God, that's racist. What do you say to that? DEE: I don't say anything. TOMMY: You still have to buy me a toy! Cut to a toy store DEE: Charlie, what in the hell are you gonna do if this kid's yours? CHARLIE: Oh, I don't know. I'll probably, uh, k** myself. DEE: Whoa! Isn't that your waitress from the coffee shop? Cool. The waitress stands with a girl before a rack with dolls WAITRESS: Oh, Stewie. CHARLIE Oh, my God. DEE: Go talk to her. CHARLIE: What? No. DEE Come on. Go talk to her. CHARLIE: No, dude. DEE: You've been in love with this girl forever. CHARLIE: I know that. You know what? Come with me and pretend you're my girlfriend. It'll make her jealous. DEE: No. I won't do that. CHARLIE: Come on. It's gonna work. DEE: No. No, it's not. CHARLIE: All right. Come stand next to me then. DEE: Why? CHARLIE: So she doesn't think I'm creepy. DEE: Well, you are creepy. CHARLIE: I realize this. That's why I need you. DEE: All right. Let's go. CHARLIE: Thank you. DEE: Stop sweating. They walk to the waitress WAITRESS: Then we can grab him if you like him, okay? CHARLIE: Hey. Fancy seeing you here. WAITRESS: Oh. Hello, Charlie. CHARLIE: Buying toys, are you? WAITRESS: Yeah. CHARLIE: Cool. This is my, uh DEE: Friend. We're good friends. WAITRESS: Hi. DEE: Hi. CHARLIE: Is that cute little girl your... WAITRESS: I'm her big sister. CHARLIE: Oh. Hmm, that's weird. She looks Mexican. WAITRESS: She is Mexican. It's the Big Sister program. She's not my real little sister. DEE: That is such a coincidence. That's exactly what we're here doing. WAITRESS: What? DEE: Yeah. Do you see that, um adorable little guy over there? (Cut to Tommy and back) That's Charlie's little brother. WAITRESS: Really? CHARLIE: Mm-hmm. Yeah. WAITRESS: No way. You're involved in the program? Yeah! Well, that's I didn't know you were involved in the program. CHARLIE: Oh my god! I love the program! Yeah DEE: It's one of his favorite programs. CHARLIE: I've I've been in the program since DEE: A long time now. WAITRESS: I guess you're gonna be going to the picnic then at Fairmount Park. Right. Saturday? DEE: Saturday. CHARLIE Yeah. Are you there? Are you goin'? Are you gonna be there? WAITRESS: I will be there on Saturday, yes. CHARLIE: Great. WAITRESS: Maybe we'll see you there. CHARLIE: Maybe. Or you know what? Or maybe we could carpool. You know what I mean? Well, come on. Think about it. We'll save the environment. We'll team up. It'll be good. DEE: This is smart. Reduce, reuse, recycle. You should do it. CHARLIE: The kids will love it. The kids... He loves Mexicans. WAITRESS: All right. Sure. Let's do it. CHARLIE: Oh! Okay. Yeah. Great. WAITRESS: Great. WAITRESS: Okay, well - Nice to meet you too. I'll see you. - I gotta go get my little sister. Okay, bye. DEE: Bye. CHARLIE: (Tries to huf Dee) Thank you. DEE: You're still pretty sweaty. EXT. THE RALLY - DAY Mac and Megan are protesting MAC: Baby k**er! Baby k**er! Baby k**er! You ba*tards are gonna burn in hell! MEGAN: Abortion is murder! It's a child, not a choice! MAC: Pro-choice is pro-d**h! MEGAN: Wow! Great rhetoric. MAC: Thank you. MEGAN: Hey, you're really hard-core, aren't you? MAC: Oh, well, you know. I mean, if you really wanna see hard-core (gives her a piece of paper) MEGAN: What's this? MAC: That's the list of doctors I'm gonna k**. MEGAN: There's two already crossed out. MAC: Yeah, I know. Cut to both of them in a car, getting undressed EXT. STACY CORVELLI'S HOUSE - DAY STACY: So you really had a good time, huh? CHARLIE: Yeah. We had a blast. STACY: Hmm. He didn't give you any problems? CHARLIE: No. Not a single problem. Uh, listen, I was thinking maybe I could take him out this Saturday? STACY: Really? CHARLIE: Yeah, sure. I'd pick him up at, like, 8:00? You know, do the father-son thing. Are you all right? Is that gonna be okay? Because I could really use use him. STACY: Goddamn it! (stands up) I'm sorry. CHARLIE: Is everything all right? STACY: I can't do this! Tommy's not your son. CHARLIE: What? STACY: Remember Jimmy Doyle from high school? That son of a b**h is Tommy's real father. He left me six months ago. You know what a nightmare it's been since he left? I can't raise Tommy alone. CHARLIE: I don't care. I don't care! You thought you'd just pawn your son off on me? STACY: What else? I thought I could find him a better role model than that piece of sh**! CHARLIE: Stop talking! Wait. Let me think. God! All right. So can I still take him out on Saturday? STACY: Yeah. CHARLIE: Great. Cut to the bar Dennis and Dee are standing at the bar, talking bout slicing lemons. DENNIS: That's pretty thin. That might be too thin. Mac walks in MAC: Hey-oh! DEE: Hey, Mac. Where you been? MAC: Oh, I don't know. Saving humanity. DENNIS: Are you still on this kick, dude? MAC: Yeah, you know, Den I was thinking what you were saying the other day about the T-shirts with the stupid slogans on them. And I was wondering what you think about this? (shows a shirt with "DEATH TO BABYKILLERS") Huh, b**h? Yeah! Is that stupid enough for you? You're not seriously wearing that, are you? You look ridiculous. MAC: Whatever, dude. DEE: You know, that's the problem with you antiabortionists. You cry about the sanctity of life, and then you wear a shirt like that. MAC: I'm not listening to you. DEE: Aren't you right-wingers all about the d**h penalty too? - Does that not involve k**ing somebody? MAC: Right, right, right. And you liberals are against k**ing murderers. But you're for k**ing innocent babies. That's interesting. DEE: Yeah. We like to k** babies. DENNIS: You guys are taking this way too seriously. MAC: Den, you don't understand the week I've been having. I met a girl at one of these organizations who is a freak. She is the dirtiest chick I've met in my life. DENNIS: Seriously? MAC: Yeah. You gotta come with me to one of these rallies. They're having another one on Saturday. These chicks are everywhere. DENNIS: I can jump on board with that. DEE: Yeah! Are you actually gonna throw away all your convictions for a chance to get laid? DENNIS: I don't really have any convictions. DEE: Where is this rally being held? MAC: Uh, Planned Parenthood, Bryn Mawr Medical Center. DEE: Well, I'm gonna go. At least one pro-choice voice is gonna be heard. MAC: One? There was, like, tons of those chicks at the last one. DENNIS: Which side had more? DEE: Oh, which one do you think? The one that cares about protecting women's bodies or the one that's run by the religious right? DENNIS: Probably the side you're goin' to. I'm gonna fight for the right to choose. DEE: You're a scumbag, Dennis. INT. PADDY'S PUB - DAY Charlie and Tommy walk to the pub CHARLIE: Today's a big day for me, Tommy. TOMMY: Why? CHARLIE: Well, today is probably the best chance I'm ever gonna have of hooking up with this girl. So, uh, look at me for a second, pal. Okay, do me a favor. If you're good today, I'm gonna buy you anything that you want, anything in the world, all right? (Tommy spits in Charlie's face) Oh, my God! I will smash your face into a into a jelly! (Charlie struggles with the lock) Wrong key. Cut to the abortion center CROWD: Keep abortion legal! Keep abortion legal! Stop abortion now! Stop abortion now! Dennis and Dee arrive DENNIS: This is crazy. DEE: Yeah, weird. People actually care about women's bodies. You believe that? DENNIS: Yeah. I think Mac picked the wrong side. There's, like, no dudes here. DEE: Gross. DENNIS: You know what? Uh, give me a second here. He walks to a girl DENNIS: Hi. GIRL: Hi. DENNIS: I like your look. GIRL: Excuse me? DENNNIS: I like the whole hippie thing. It really works for you. GIRL: Get lost, breeder. DENNIS: Oh, okay. Yeah. Mmm. Cut to Mac and Megan, painting a sign MAC: I love the smell of protest in the morning. MEGAN: What? MAC: I was quoting that movie, you know, Apocalypse Now. "Napalm in the morning." MEGAN: Is that the new Mel Gibson movie? MAC: No. MEGAN: Did you see Pa**ion of the Christ? I saw it 12 times. MAC: Okay. Awkward silence MEGAN: You know, you really shouldn't joke about the Apocalypse. Awkward silence GIRL WITH SHIRT: (to Protestor) So just fill these out. We'll get your information in the mail. Thanks. DENNIS: "Keep your laws" I like your T-shirt. GIRL WITH SHIRT: Thanks. DENNIS: Yeah. Where do I sign? GIRL WITH SHIRT: Right here. DENNIS: Love T-shirts like that. GIRL WITH SHIRT: Right. DENNIS: So, do you come to these kind of things often, or GIRL WITH SHIRT: Are you hitting on me at an abortion rally? DENNIS: Yeah, I Walks to Dee DENNIS: You know what? I think all these chicks are gay. DEE: Yeah, I don't know that they're gay. I think they can just smell how disgusting you are. DENNIS: That s**s for me. (Calls Mac) MAC: Hello. DENNIS: Hey, Mac. It's Dennis. Uh, look, man, there's no talent over here. What's the deal over there? MAC: Oh, yeah. We're lookin' real good over here, bro. DENNIS: What do you think? MAC: Hop the fence and come over. DENNIS: All right. I'll see you in a second. MAC: Later, gator. (hangs up) All right, Megan. I'm finished. (shows sign "What if Jesus was aborted") MEGAN: You are a genius. Cut to Dee and Dennis DENNIS: Hey, Sis. I'm gonna jet. DEE: You're leaving? DENNIS: Uh, this side s**s. I'm gonna try my luck over there. DEE: Are you kidding me? DENNIS: Later, tater. DEE: Dennis, you are such a jacka**! DENNIS: (gets past the crowd) Excuse me. Excuse me. Yeah. Can I get by here? Thanks. Cut to Megan and Mac MEGAN: I just I really love that sign. I wondered that so many times. PROSTESTER: Hey, there's a guy on the fence. Cut to Dennis, walking to the other side. Cut back MEGAN: Hey! Hey! They're coming after us! MAC: No. They're not coming after us. MEGAN: (gets eggs out of her bag) I'll show you what we do to them. How's your aim? MAC: Pretty good. But I don't think that's such a good idea. I don't think MEGAN: Hey, it's okay. These people deserve this. MAC: Yeah. He looks like he deserves it. Maybe just one. (throws an egg to Dennis) DENNIS: Oh! Ow! MEGAN: Yeah! Come on! Get your eggs, people! Cut to Dee and Girl with shirt, almost got hit by an egg DEE: Oh, my God! GIRL WITH SHIRT: Ow! - sh**! DEE: They're throwing eggs! GIRL WITH SHIRT: They did this last time. I came prepared. (also gets eggs) DEE: Oh. Hey, Dennis! How's the action over there, buddy? - DENNIS: (gets hit by all the eggs) What? What the hell are you doing? MAC: (Also gets hit) Oh! They're coming. Now they're coming back. MEGAN: Die! DEE: Hey!, Hot chicks on that side, Dennis? MEGAN: You're gonna burn in hell! DENNIS: Stop! Stop! Stop! MEGAN: (to Mac) Hey, guess what. I have a surprise for you. MAC: What? MEGAN: It's a real miracle. MAC: What is it? MEGAN: I'm pregnant! MAC: What? MEGAN: I'm pregnant! MAC: You gotta get an abortion. Cut to Megan running to her car, away from Mac MAC: Megan, wait, wait, wait! MEGAN: Stop talking to me! MAC: Well, listen, I just think our situation is different. MEGAN: How is our situation different? MAC: Well, because I didn't mean to get you pregnant. It was an accident. MEGAN: You are so pathetic. MAC: You can't have this kid. I'm way too young, and I have a little bit of an alcohol problem MEGAN: Save it! I'm not pregnant! MAC: What? MEGAN: I'm not pregnant. It was a test. I just thought for, like, one second that you might be the one. I just had to know for sure. MAC: Wait a second! So you're not pregnant? MEGAN: (starts her car) No. MAC: And this was a test? MEGAN: Yeah. MAC: And I failed? MEGAN: Have a nice life, a**hole. MAC: No! Wait Wait Wait a second! Wait! Oh. INT. PADDY'S PUB DAY DENNIS: (enters the pub) Son of a b**h! Son of a b**h! CHARLIE: (pouring drinks) Where the hell have you been? You said 11:30, dude! DENNIS: I don't wanna talk about it. CHARLIE: That waitress is picking me up any minute! I was ready to shut down the bar! DENNIS: (points at Tommy) What is that kid doin' here? CHARLIE: I'm taking him to the Big Brother-Big Sister thing. DENNIS: Get him out of here, Charlie. CHARLIE: I'm getting picked up any minute! Will you relax? DENNIS: I told you, I don't want kids in the bar! CHARLIE: Dude, what is up your a**? DENNIS: (walks to Tommy) You You are out! Whoa, dude! This kid reeks of booze! CHARLIE: (runs to them) No, no, no, no, no. Are you drunk? Don't be drunk. TOMMY: Yeah. DEE: How could you let this happen? CHARLIE: I was the only one bartending! He must have been takin' sips out of people's beers. CHARLIE: All right. Brew some coffee. DEE: You can't give him coffee! CHARLIE: (tries to take the beer gla** from Tommy) Let go of that! Let go of that! DENNIS: Get him out of here, Charlie! Charlie! They walk outside the barOkay, here we go! Fresh air! Have a seat! Sit down! Fresh air! TOMMY: You s**! CHARLIE: You s**, all right? Breathe it in. Fresh air now. TOMMY: You s** and you have an ugly face! CHARLIE: You s**! You have an ugly face, okay? You try and push people's bu*tons all the time! And you get in their head, and you drive them crazy! Maybe that's why you don't have a dad anymore! WAITRESS: (stanging behind them, with her 'little sister') Oh, my God! What are you doing? TOMMY: I'm drunk. WAITRESS: He's drunk? CHARLIE: He's not drunk. TOMMY: I am drunk! CHARLIE: You're not drunk. WAITRESS: He sounds drunk. TOMMY: I am drunk! CHARLIE: You're not drunk! Stop saying that! He's fine. (Tommy vomits) EXT. EAST SIDE SALOON - DAY Charlie walks to three guys, who're drinking beer CHARLIE: Jimmy Doyle! JIMMY: Yeah? CHARLIE: Charlie Kelly. JIMMY: Yeah? CHARLIE: From high school. JIMMY: Oh, yeah. I didn't recognize you without all your acne. CHARLIE: Yeah. All right, listen, I need to talk to you about your kid. JIMMY: Why? CHARLIE: Uh, let's see. Because your kid has serious emotional problems. JIMMY: Why? CHARLIE: I don't know. Maybe because you're not there as a father. JIMMY: Why? CHARLIE: You're kidding me? (Why) This your little game? JIMMY: Why? CHARLIE: This is what you're doin'? (Why) This is what you're doin' to me? JIMMY: Why? Why? End of Episode