Rick and Morty - Lawnmower Dog lyrics

(Jerry and Summer are in the living room flipping through channels on the TV) TV: Coin collecting is considered the perfect hobby. beautiful putt right there good birdie. That's only the eighth birdie of the day. (Snuffles walks up to Jerry are sits there, looking at him) Jerry: What? Why are you looking at me? You want to go outside? Outside? (Sigh) (Jerry opens the door to let Snuffles out but he still just stands there) Jerry: Outside? (Snuffles pees on the carpet) Jerry: Are you kidding me?! Come on! Summer: Oh, my God. (Morty hears his dad yelling and runs into the room to check up on him) Morty: What's wrong? Jerry: Your idiot dog! Morty: Oh, he he didn't mean it, dad. Did you, snuffles? You're a good boy. Jerry: Don't praise him now, Morty! He just peed on the carpet! Bad dog! Bad! (Jerry grabs Snuffles by the head and stuffs his face into the pee puddle just as Rick walks in) Rick: Morty, come on. I need your help tonight. Jerry: Hey, wait, hold on a second, Rick. You wouldn't by any chance have some sort of crazy science thing you could whip up that might help make this dog a little smarter, would you? Rick: I thought the whole point of having a dog was to feel superior, Jerry. If I were you, I wouldn't pull that thread. Come on, Morty. Jerry: Listen, Rick, if you're gonna stay here rent-free and use my son for your stupid science, the least you could do is put a little bit of it to use for the family. You make that dog smart or Morty's grounded! Summer: Ha-ha! Morty: Aw, man! Rick: Boy, you really got me up against a wall this time, Jerry. (Rick goes into the garage and quickly whips up a helmet and comes back and puts it on Snuffles) Rick: All right, Ruffles What's his name? Morty: Snuffles. Rick: Snuffles, shake. (Snuffles understands his and shakes) Rick: Roll over. (Snuffles rolls over) Rick: Go to the bathroom. (Snuffles goes out of the room, a toilet flush is heard, and then he returns) Jerry: Holy crap! Summer: No way. Rick: Yeah, you're at the top of your game now, Jerry. Have fun. Come on, Morty. (Rick and Morty go into the garage) Morty: That was fantastic, Rick! Rick: Yeah, Morty, if you like that, boy, you're you're really going to flip your lid over this one. (Rick shows Morty a tiny metal ear-piece like device) Morty: W-w-w-what is it? Rick: It's a device, Morty, that when you put it in your ear, you can enter people's dreams, Morty. It's just like that movie that you keep crowing about. Morty: You talking about "Inception"? Rick: That's right, Morty. This is gonna be a lot like that, except, you know, it's gonna may-(Belch)-be make sense. Morty: "Inception" made sense. Rick: You don't have to try to impress me, Morty. Listen, tonight we're gonna go into the home of your math teacher, Mr. Goldenfold, and we're gonna incept the idea in his brain to give you A's in math, Morty. That way you can, you know, y-you're gonna help me with my science, Morty, all the time. Morty: Geez, Rick, in the time it took you to make this thing, couldn't you have just, you know, helped me with my homework? Rick: Are you listening to me, Morty? Homework is stupid. The whole point is to get less of it. (Rick and Morty get into the space cruiser and start going off) Rick: Come on, let's just get over there and deal with this thing. W-we're gonna incept your teacher. You're frustrating me. (Mr. Goldenfold is in his home, watching TV on the couch, eating nachos, half asleep) Mrs. Pancakes: You don't know me! Mr. Goldenfold:' Nice, Mrs. Pancakes real nice. (Mr. Goldenfold falls asleep just as Rick and Morty sneak in through his window) Commercial Announcer: Next week on "The days and nights of Mrs. Pancakes" Mrs. Pancakes: You don't know me! Mr. Pancakes: Then let me get to know yo, damn it! Rick: Uh-oh! Spoilers! (Rick quickly turns off the TV) Rick: I'm a full season behind. Morty: Wow, Rick, I can't believe we're sitting around, standing around in Mr. Goldenfold's house. It's really weird. Rick: It's about to get a whole lot weirder, Morty. (Rick puts inception devices on everyone and they enter Mr. Goldenfold's dream. Here, he is sitting on the airplane and Mrs. Pancakes is the flight attendant serving snacks) Mrs. Pancakes: Wheat thins. Wheat thins. Mr. Goldenfold: I'll take two. Mrs. Pancakes: Oh, I think you've had enough, sir. Mr.Goldenfold: You don't know me. Rick: All right, Morty, time to make our move. (Rick grabs some sodas and a cloth while Mr. Goldenfold and Mrs. Pancakes play around with each other) Mr. Goldenfold: Make it bounce. Mrs. Pancakes: No, you didn't. Mr. Goldenfold: Oh, jiggle it now. Mrs. Pancakes: You better stop with that. (Rick and Morty jump out, disguised as m**m terrorists, wearing soda bottles as bombs and Morty wearing the cloth on his head like an Islamic woman) Rick: Allahu (Belch) akbar! We're gonna take control of this plane! We're gonna 9/11 it unless Morty Smith gets better grades in math! (The pa**engers are frozen in shock, but Mr. Goldenfold gets up and stands against him) Rick: Hey! I said nobody move, buddy! Mr. Goldenfold: The name's not buddy. It's Goldenfold. Nice to wheat you! (Mr. Goldenfold throws a bunch of wheat thins at them, and it cuts their flesh like ninja stars) Rick: Take cover, Morty! (Mr. Goldenfold suddenly takes out two giant firearms and starts firing them at the two, just after Rick and Morty hide behind the seats, sheltering themselves from the attacks.) Mr. Goldenfold: AAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!!! Morty: Ooohhh! Rick: Goldenfold's got more control here than I anticipated. I mean, the guy teaches high-school math. (Belch) I didn't take him for an active dreamer. We've got to take him out so he wakes up, Morty but we can't get k**ed. If you get k**ed in someone else's dream, you die for real, Morty. Morty: What?! Are you kidding me?! Ohhhhhh! Rick: Don't be a baby! You avoid getting shot in real life all the time, Morty. Just do the same thing here, and we'll be fine! (Jerry is in the living room, controlling Snuffles and showing to Beth how cool it is) Jerry: Now bring me my slippers. (Snuffles brings Jerry his slippers) Summer: Now, be my footstool, Snuffles. (Snuffles stands in front of her and Summer rests her feet there) Jerry: This is what I'm talking about. This is a dog. Beth (Unimpressed): Oh, yeah. This should play out just fine. Jerry: You said the same thing, equally sarcastically, at our wedding and guess what? (Everyone is silent for a few seconds while Beth gives him blank stare. Jerry slowly starts to fade into a depressed state as Beth walks off, leaving him) Snuffles: Ooowwwwowowwaawaa! Summer: Oh, my God! He's trying to tell us something. That is so awesome. Snuffles: Aaaawwaaaaawaawa! Jerry: Aw, he's saying "I love lasagna". Snuffles: Ooooyayawawa! Summer: He's saying "I love Obama". So cute! I'm posting this online, like, right now. Jerry: I should call Bob Saget. Is that still a thing? (Jerry and Summer leave the room and Snuffles sadly walks over the the gla** door and sees his helmet in the reflection) Snuffles: Hmm? (Snuffles finds the battery case on his helmet and then goes into the kitchen, where he finds a drawer full of batteries) (Mr. Goldenfold is still shooting things up in the plane and Rick attempts to make peace with him) Rick: Goldenfold, we're coming out! We just want to talk! Mr.Goldenfold: Why would I negotiate with you? Rick: Because we're both rational adults that don't want anything bad to happen. And because I have a human shield. (Rick takes out Mrs. Pancakes) Mr. Goldenfold: Mrs. Pancakes! AAAAAAAAHHHH!!!!! Rick: Oh, no, Morty. His subconscious is panicking. Plane Pa**enger: Oh no! Run! (One of the pa**engers beats the airlock off the plane and everyone flies out) Rick: Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoooooaaaa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoooooaaaa! Morty: Whooooa! Whoooooooa! Whoa! Whooooooooaaaaa! (Rick and Morty fall out of the plane, plummeting to their dooms) Morty: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!! Rick: Relax, Morty. Look! Mrs. Pancakes has a parachute. Come on! (Rick and Morty grab onto Mrs. Pancakes are her parachute deploys) Mrs. Pancakes: Hey, you don't know me! Morty: Oh, no, Rick, look! Goldenfold landed the plane, and he's created a mechanical arm to pluck Mrs. Pancakes out of the air while he lets us fall - into a giant vat of lava! Rick: Pretty concise, Morty. Looks like we've merely prolonged the inevitable. That's it, Morty! Prolonging the inevitable! Listen, if we go into Mrs. Pancakes' dream, everything will go 100 times slower, Morty. That'll buy us some time to figure this out! Mrs. Pancakes: You don't know m- (Rick slaps Mrs. Pancakes, knocking her out, and then incepts her dream with Morty) Rick: All right, let's go. (Rick and Morty go inside of her dream which is a bizarre S and M dungeon filled with obscure gooey, monstrous, alien-like creatures) Morty: Oh, man, Rick, this is pretty weird. Rick: Don't judge, Morty. Morty: Okay. All right, well Look, Mrs. Pancakes is right over there. I'll just go ask her to tell goldenfold not to k** us when she wakes up. Rick: Whoa, whoa, Morty, the trick to incepting is making people think they came up with the idea. Listen to me. If we're gonna incept Mrs. Pancakes, we have to blend. I'll talk to you after lunch. (Rick leaves Morty and blends in and then Morty in confronted by a s**ualized creature) Sex monster: Ooh, hey! Morty: Ooh, oh! Oh, man. (Many more creatures come up and try to seduce him, making him more uncomfortable) Sex Monster: Come and join us. (Morty starts running) Morty: I'm sorry. No, no. Sexualized Monster: Ooh, come here! Morty: No, thanks! Giant Frog Woman: Ooh, wow! - Come over here, baby! Morty: No, I'm okay. (Morty bumps into a human being who looks very hot) Morty: Whoa! (The human is revealed to be his sister, Summer) Morty (Shocked): Summer?! Summer: Hey, there, stranger. What do you think of these things? (Summer shakes her tits in his face) Morty: Ohh! Oh! Gross! Gross! (Morty starts running away from her and Rick comes up) Rick: Whoa, whoa, whoa! What's the matter with you, Morty? Calm down! You're kind of k**ing the vibe in here. Morty: It's Summer! Aw, geez. Rick; Looks like goldenfold has some predilections so shameful he buries them in the dreams of the people in his dreams, including a pervy attraction to your underage sister. Summer: Can you blame him? Come on, old man, little boy. Let's make an inter-generational sandwich. Rick (In Unison With Morty): Oh, my God. Put some clothes on for the love of God Summer! Put some - I'm gunna puke! I swear to God I'm gunna puke! Morty (In Unison With Rick): Oh, my God! Put some clothes on, for Pete's sake! This is disgusting! I can't take it, Rick! (Everyone in the dungeon starts noticing them and then an angry centaur who is very much in charge shows up) Centaur: Sexual hang-ups in the pleasure chamber are punishable by d**h! Off with their heads! Rick: Time to go another dream deep, Morty! (Rick pops the neck of the centaur and they hook up more devices and incept his dream) (Rick and Morty appear in a dark and horrid red rusted chamber where the Centaur is shuttering in fear) Morty: What the hell? Why would Mr. Goldenfold's dream version of Mrs. Pancakes' dream version of a Centaur be dreaming about a scary place like this, Rick? Rick: Geez, I don't know, Morty. Wha-what do you want from me? (A horrible Freddy Krueger monster named Scary Terry shows up, and starts to horrify them) Scary Terry: Welcome to your nightmare, b**h! RAAAAAWWWRRR! Rick: Oh, here we go! Morty: Ooooooohhhhh! Holy crap! (Rick and Morty start running and Scary Terry chases after them) Rick: Looks like some sort of legally safe knock-off of an '80s horror character with miniature swords for fingers instead of knives. Scary Terry: I'm scary Terry. You can run, but you can't hide, b**h! (Jerry and Summer are in the living room and Snuffles appears with a robotic arm attached to his helmet) Jerry: Whoa! Hey, buddy. What you got going on there? (Snuffles is now able to communicate and speak English through the helmet) Snuffles: Snuffles fix. Make better. Summer: Humans understand snuffles now? That is awesome! Snuffles: Snuffles want to be understood. Snuffles need to be understood. Jerry: Okay, yeah. I get what Beth was talking about. Fun's over. Summer: Whoa, dad, you can't, like, endow a creature with sentience and then rip it away. Jerry: Why not? Summer: I don't know. It's Indian giving. (Snuffles turns on the TV to a documentary on dogs and starts watching it) TV: A sophisticated predator, nature's perfect k**ing machine, the vicious wolf stalks its prey with purpose and sk**. It was only with years of selective breeding and genetic altering that this noble beast was transformed into man's subservient little buddy. Summer: Aw! Oh, my God! He recognizes the other dogs on TV. (Back in the dream, Rick and Morty are running for their lives, when they come across a creepy singing jump roping girl) Little Girl: "A," "b" his name is scary Terry "C," "d" he's very scary. Rick: Holy crap! We have to escape into someone else's dreams, Morty! Morty: Oh, man, oh, man, oh, man! Little Girl: "E," "f" he'll design your d**h Rick: The little girl! Morty: Huh? (Rick and Morty knock out the little girl and incept her dream, only to go into a place exactly like the one they're already in) Little Girl: "J," "k," he'll really ruin your day. Rick: Are you kidding me? This again? Oh, man, it looks like we've hit dream bedrock here, Morty. Morty: Oh, geez, Rick. W-w-whoa, this isn't good. Scary Terry: Nothing but fear from here on out, b**h! Morty: Ohhhh! Rick: Holy crap, Morty. He can travel through dreams. He can travel through dreams! We're so screwed! (Summer is sleeping in the middle of the night but is then woken up by Snuffles, who now has an entire robot body) Snuffles: Where are my testicles, Summer? ... Where are my testicles, Summer? They were removed. Where have they gone? Summer (Scared): Oh, wow. That's an intense line of questioning, Snuffles. Snuffles: Do not call me that! (Snuffles smashes the mirror, making Summer shriek in fear) Snuffles: "Snuffles" was my slave name. You shall now call me Snowball, because my fur is pretty and white. Summer: Okay, Snowball, just calm down, okay? You're scaring me. Snuffles: Scaring you? (Snuffles smashes the mirror, making Summer shriek in fear) Summer: AAAAAAAHHH!!!!! Snuffles: Tell me, Summer, if a human was born with stumpy legs, would they breed it with another deformed human and put their children on display like the dachshund? Summer: Uhhh ... (Beth and Jerry rush into the room, hearing her scream and they notice Snuffles) Jerry: Hey. Oh, wow. Okay, is is is everything okay in here? Snuffles: Jerry, come to rub my face in urine again? Jerry (Scared): No! No, we were uh, just seeing if Summer wanted to uh ... Beth (Scared): G-Go on, um, one of our famous midnight family walks! Summer: Yeah. Totally. Let's go. (Beth, Jerry, and Summer try to leave, but they are stopped by another dog with a robotic mind control suit) Snuffles: You will walk when it is time to walk. (Screen cuts to black for the intermission break) Rick: What are we here for again? Incepting? We're trying to incept- Morty: We're trying to incept me to get an "A" in math? Rick: Oh, yeah. (Scary Terry appears in the car) Scary Terry: Buckle up, b**h! Morty: Ooooooaaahhh! (Rick and Morty start running) Morty: Man, he sure says "b**h" a lot! Scary Terry: You can run, but you can't hide, b**h! Rick: Hold on, Morty. Y-you know what? He keeps saying we can run but we can hide. I say we try hiding. Morty: But that's the opposite of what- Rick: Yeah, well, since when are we taking this guy's advice on anything? Morty: Hey, you know what? You got a really good point there, Rick. Like, if the truth was that we could hide, it's not like he'd be sharing that information with us, you know? I-I-I think it's a good idea, Rick. Rick: Worst-case scenario we're back to running. (A time lapse transition card shows up, reading "Six dream hours later". Rick and Morty are seen hiding and Scary Terry goes past them, still looking for them and not knowing where they are) Morty: Wow, you know what? I mean, it looks like we could have just hid this whole time. Boy, Rick, that was some good thinking. Rick: Thanks, Morty. Yeah, it's nice to be on the same page every once in a while. Scary Terry: You can run But you can't hide! (Yawn) Rick: Oh, this is perfect, Morty. Look at that. He's getting sleepy. Just a little bit longer before he calls it a day. That's when we make our move. (Scene cuts back to the dogs. They are working in a factory and Jerry, Summer, and Beth are seen, trapped in a cage.) Jerry: Snuffles, we didn't mean you any harm! This is a huge misunderstanding. Summer: Dad, he wants to be called snowball. Jerry: Well, I'm not calling him that. That's ridiculous. Snuffles: You're being very aggressive, Jerry. Perhaps tomorrow Dr. Scraps will solve that problem with a bit of surgery. (Another dog comes out with a pair of mayo scissors) Jerry: Huh! You think you can control me with a haircut? (Scene cuts back to the dream realm. cary Terry is going back home to his family.) Scary Melissa: Hi, honey. You're home early. How was your day? Scary Terry: I don't want to talk about it! Scary Melissa (Angry): Oh, of course! You never want to talk about it! Scary Terry (Angry): Get off my back, b**h! (Scary Brandon, the baby, starts crying) Scary Melissa (Angry): Out there. Not in here! Scary Terry: Yeah, I know, I know. I shouldn't take my anger out on you or Scary Brandon. I love you, Melissa. Scary Melissa: I love you, too, Terry. (Rick and Morty are watching from outside the window) Rick: Morty, this is perfect. After a little scary coitus, they should be fast asleep and then we'll incept him. (Rick and Morty go into the Terry's room, when Terry and Melissa are fast asleep) Rick: Looks like scary Terry's having a nightmare. Morty: Oh, boy, Rick. I can only imagine what horrible things must, you know scare Scary Terry. (Rick and Morty incept his dream and he's having a school related dream) Scary Terry: Oh, no! I'm late to cla**, b**h! Oh, no! I'm not wearing any pants! '(Scary Terry goes to cla**) Monster Teacher: Ah, well, Mr. Terry, why don't you tell the whole cla** the proper wordplay to use when one is chasing one's victim through a pumpkin patch? Scary Terry: Oh, uh, um ... "b**h." (The cla** laughs at him) Monster Teacher: Oh, come on, Terry, you can't think of a pun involving pumpkins, b**h? Morty: Hey, leave him alone! Rick: Yeah, this is a bunch of bullcrap. Who cares what stupid pun you make when you k** someone? Why don't you let the poor guy say whatever he wants? Monster Teacher: Well, I never! I-I see no reason to stand here and take this. Rick: You're putting too much pressure on yourself, scary Terry. You know, I mean, y-you're perfectly scary enough as it is. Morty: Hey, yo, scary T., don't even trip about your pants dawg. Here's a pair on us, fool. Scary Terry: Aww, b**h. I don't know what to say. Morty: You don't need to say anything. We got you, dawg. Rick: You're our boy, dawg. Don't even trip. (Scary Terry wakes up from his dream and sees Rick and Morty) Scary Terry: Oh, hey, it's you guys! (That morning, Rick, Morty, and the Terry family are having breakfast in the kitchen) Scary Melissa: I haven't seen him this relaxed in years. Scary Terry: If you guys ever need anything, just say the word. Rick: As a matter of fact, Terry, there is something you could help us with. (Rick, Morty, and Terry escape the dream and confront the little girl) Little Girl:' "Q," "r," you won't get very far. Scary Terry: I always hated that song! (Scary Terry k**s the little girl and then goes on to the centaur) Scary Terry: These halves don't belong together, b**h! (Scary Tells k**s the centaur and moves onto Mrs. Pancakes) Scary Terry: Sex is sacred! (Scary Terry k**s Mrs. Pancakes and launches himself at Mr. Goldensfold) Scary Terry: This is because you don't give Morty Smith good grades, b**h! (Scary Terry destroys Mr. Goldenfold, causing him to wake up from his dream, in shock) Mr. Goldenfold: Holy crap! God damn! I know one thing for sure I'm giving Morty an "A" in math, and that's my idea. That is an original thought. (Rick and Morty fist bump behind the couch) What the hell? Out of the frying pan dot, dot, dot, huh, Morty? Oh, man, what's going on? Well, it's possible that your dog became self-aware and made modifications on the cognition amplifier, then turned on Jerry, Beth, and Summer after learning about humanity's cruel subjugation of his species, but your guess is as good as mine, Morty. I can't believe how mean snuffles got just because he's smart. This is why I choose to get C's. Psst, Beth, Jerry, Summer. - Dad! - Rick! - Oh, thank God, Morty. - Oh, you're welcome. All right, let's get out of here. If we hurry we can set up camp in a sewer tunnel or something before the dogs completely take over. Whoa, whoa, whoa. We're not going anywhere. This is my house. I'm not abandoning it. It's all over, Jerry. The dogs are on a path to total world domination. But, hey, at least they know not to piss on your carpet, right? Wait a minute. I have an idea. Gentlemen, a moment of your time. See that? I'm peeing all over your special guns. That means I own them. Bad person. Bad. Ooh, great plan, Jerry. Bring the boy to me. You were always kind to me, Morty. That's why I will leave you with your testicles. From now on, you will be my best friend and live by my side. Th-thanks, snuffles. Begin phase two. Fighting continues as the dog army captures the eastern seaboard. It appears clear at this time that the era of human superiority has come to a bitter end. Please! Please don't k** me! What's she saying, bill? I think she's saying, "I love lasagna. " Mmm. Thank you, Fido. Rick! I thought you were dead! No, no, no, I was just playing dead. Good news, though, Morty. This whole thing's gonna be over really soon. - What? - It's a dream, Morty. We're in your dog's dream. The night the dogs captured us, after you cried and crapped your pants, we all went to sleep. Then I used my dream inceptors to put the two of us inside snuffles' dream. But I-it's been like a whole year! It's been six hours. Dreams move one one-hundredth the speed of reality, and dog time is one-seventh human time. So, you know, every day here is like a minute. It's like "Inception," Morty, so if it's confusing and stupid, then so is everyone's favorite movie. Aw, man. I really liked this life. Well, at least I didn't really crap my pants. No, no, that happened before you went to sleep, Morty. You're sleeping in your crap right now. Out of all the things that happened to you, that was the only real thing that, you know, is that you crapped your pants. I mean, it's a mess out there. I got some on my hands, Morty, and then I got it on the dream inceptor, and a piece fell in my mouth. Aw, man, geez! Seriously? Look, d-d-d-don't worry about it, Morty. Here, here take these, Morty. Take these. Are these pills supposed to wake me up, or something? Close. It's gonna make your kidneys shut down. What?! It's necessary for the plan, Morty. Don't even trip, dawg. It's pretty bad, emperor snowball. We're gonna need to do another operation. Anything. Anything for my precious Morty. Sir, as your accountant, I must advise you that these medical expenses are putting you in serious financial jeopardy. You could lose your kingdom. To hell with my kingdom, bean counter. I would trade it all for my human's health and happiness. Do you think they would have done this for us? We are not them! We are not them. Assemble the troops. I've made a decision. Taking over the human's world will lead to nothing but more heartbreak, more cruelty. Instead, we will go to a new world and colonize it with a society of intelligent dogs, one that will not make the same mistakes as humanity and one where pet insurance will be mandatory. I'm gonna miss you, snowball. You can call me snuffles, Morty, and I'm going to miss you, too, very much. Jerry? I'm sorry. It's just like the end of "Old Yeller. " Oh, Jerry. You mean because it had dogs in it. Wow! A whole world populated by intelligent dogs. I wonder what it'll be like, Rick. I think it will be great, Morty. You know it could be developed in-into a very satisfying project for people of all ages. I mean, I'd watch it, Morty, for at least 11 minutes a pop. You know, may-maybe they'll do it board-driven. You know, that's a real comforting idea, Rick. What do you know, Morty? What do you know? Hi, guys. I'm your new teacher for scary cla**. My name is scary Mr. Johnson. Uh, actually, you know what? That's my dad's name, so why don't you just call me scary Glenn, yeah? So, anyway, I understand your previous teacher was having you work on fundamentals of fear. Which is what is that? You know? So, uh, here here's what I say you can't learn anything until you learn how to chill. Oooh! This is how you dream, b**h.