Richard Schiff - The West Wing - Post Hoc, Ergo Propter Hoc lyrics

FADE IN: EXT. WASHINGTON, D.C. STREET - DAY Music is playing from Mandy's B.M.W. convertible as she drives down the street. As she stops for the red light, she sees three people across the street near the Capitol Building. She honks the car's horn several times. Senator LLOYD RUSSELL is one of the three men. He looks at the car and shakes his head. As the traffic light turns green, Mandy drives fast across the street, through and against the curb, and leaves her car there. MANDY [yells] Are you crazy?! She jumps out of her convertible without opening the door. She rushes toward Russell, who is with two men from his staff. MANDY Are you crazy?! RUSSELL Mandy. MANDY Have you lost your mind? RUSSELL Why don't we go to my office, we can talk about it... MANDY Why did you make that deal? STAFFER 1 Lady, I don't think you can leave your car right there... MANDY Shut up! [to Lloyd] Why did you make that deal? RUSSELL It's just until after the midterms, Mandy. MANDY Lloyd? STAFFER 2 We keep the bill in committee until after the midterms, and that way... MANDY And that way, the White House doesn't have to veto it until nobody's looking. RUSSELL Well... MANDY We wanted people to be looking! STAFFER 1 [to Lloyd] Senator, we really should be moving along here. MANDY Lloyd, what? Why? Why did you go to breakfast to make that deal? STAFFER 1 They offered us a good spot at the nominating convention. MANDY Excuse me? RUSSELL That's true. I might nominate the President. STAFFER 2 Possibly keynote. RUSSELL Definitely something in primetime. MANDY Of course, they offered you something good at the nominating convention. They don't want you to get nominated at the nominating convention! RUSSELL Settle down. MANDY That bill was our coming out party. We were gonna have the stage for a month! It was our Nessun Dorma! STAFFER 1 What the hell's Nesun Dorma? STAFFER 2 It's an Italian aria by Wagner... MANDY It's Puccini. Wagner's German, and you're a moron. MAN [approaches] Excuse me, ma'am. Is everything all right? MANDY No, everything is not all right! I left a job at a top-tier marketing firm where I had stock options. I come down here and get this guy elected President. But he went to breakfast this morning, and made a deal on 443 until after the midterm elections. Avoiding the national exposure that was our ONLY HOPE of making any kind of a challenge! [The man has left already.] STAFFER 1 Senator, we've got a caucus. RUSSELL Hang on. [Mandy and Russell walk away from other two guys.] MANDY Lloyd? RUSSELL Listen to me. MANDY I was going... RUSSELL Listen to me. It wasn't gonna happen. Maybe somewhere down the road. But this year, it wasn't gonna happen. MANDY I had two years to make it happen. I was gonna take them on! They beat me before I got my boxes unpacked. RUSSELL You'll bounce back. You've got spunk. MANDY [quickly takes off her shoe] I could k** you with my shoe! RUSSELL Mandy! Mandy! Mandy! It wasn't gonna happen. MANDY You know what the worst part about this is? RUSSELL [looks at the car] Well, I think you dinged up your suspension pretty good. MANDY No, Lloyd. It's the party they're having right now in the West Wing at my expense. RUSSELL They're not having a party in the West Wing. MANDY I worked with these people for two and a half years. They like to win and then they like to gloat. RUSSELL I'm sure you're wrong. MANDY I'm sure I'm not. RUSSELL There are very serious men and women in the White House. A blow was struck for party unity this morning. There's no cause to gloat. CUT TO: INT. THE WHITE HOUSE - JOSH'S BULLPEN AREA - DAY JOSH [comes out of his office] Victory is mine! Victory is mine! Great day in the morning people. Victory is mine! DONNA Good morning, Josh. JOSH I drink from the keg of glory, Donna. Bring me the finest muffins and bagels in all the land. DONNA It's gonna be an unbearable day. Donna hangs her jacket. Josh throws up his arms in victory in front of the other staffers, who are clapping for him. SMASH CUT TO: MAIN TITLES. END TEASER * * * ACT ONE FADE IN: INT. COMMUNICATIONS OFFICE - DAY Toby comes out of his office and heads out. C.J. follows. TOBY I don't understand. C.J. They refused. TOBY How did they refuse? C.J. They turned down. They declined the invitation. TOBY How does someone decline an invitation for a photo-op with the President? C.J. I'm saying this is the kind of luck we're having. TOBY Because of the joke? C.J. Because of the joke. STAFFER [pa**es by] Good morning. TOBY Good morning. C.J. Who's that? TOBY Who cares? We need somebody. C.J. You try getting his attention on this. OUTER OVAL OFFICE. Mrs. Landingham is behind her desk. Toby approaches. TOBY Mrs. Landingham, does the President have free time this morning? MRS. LANDINGHAM The President has nothing but free time, Toby. Right now he's in the residence eating Cheerios and enjoying Regis and Kathie Lee. Should I get him for you? TOBY Sarcasm's a disturbing thing coming from a woman of your age, Mrs. Landingham. MRS. LANDINGHAM What age would that be, Toby? TOBY Late twenties? MRS. LANDINGHAM Atta boy. TOBY [opens the cookie jar] Can I have a cookie? MRS. LANDINGHAM No. SAM [walks in] Toby, they turned down our request? TOBY C.J.'s on it. MRS. LANDINGHAM Good morning, Sam. SAM Good morning. MRS. LANDINGHAM Have a cookie, Sam. SAM Thank you. [takes a cookie] Toby, still holding the cookie jar lid, looks at Mrs. Landingham. She looks back. C.J. They're issuing a press release. We're gonna be playing defense all day. SAM [mouthful] Is this really because of the joke? C.J. It's because of the joke. Josh steps in. Donna stays at the door. JOSH Someone give me a river to forge, a serpent to slay. C.J. [to Donna] What's his problem? DONNA He's been drinking from the keg of glory. We're to bring him all the muffins and bagels in the land. TOBY We heard. SAM Good job. JOSH Thank you very much. C.J., they turned down the invitation? C.J. They declined. The staff walks into THE OVAL OFFICE. JOSH What does that mean? C.J. It means they turned down the invitation. JOSH Because of the joke? C.J. Of course, because of the joke. Why does everyone keep asking? As if it could be something... Josh and C.J. pa** through as Bartlet and Leo come in from the portico. LEO ...32 billion against the trade surplus. BARTLET That's no good. Jaworski knows that's no good. LEO Mostly, he's gonna say that the Japanese need to buy more American cars. BARTLET Americans need to buy more American cars. LEO Which is what I told Jaworski. BARTLET Good morning everyone. ALL Good morning. BARTLET What do you got? JOSH 443's gonna stay in committee. BARTLET I heard. LEO What else? C.J. The Ryder Cup team is declining our invitation to come to the White House. LEO You're kidding. C.J. Because of the joke. BARTLET You're kidding. C.J. I'm not. Mrs. Landingham comes in and gives Bartlet his schedule. BARTLET The Ryder Cup team? C.J. It's a group of the best golfers in the country... BARTLET I know what the Ryder Cup team is. Thanks Mrs. Landingham. C.J. Sir, this may be a good time to talk about your sense of humor. BARTLET [looks at his schedule] I've got an intelligence briefing, a security briefing, and a 90-minute budget meeting all scheduled for the same 45 minutes. You sure this is a good time to talk about my sense of humor? C.J. No. BARTLET Me neither. LEO What else? C.J. It's just that it's not the first time it's happened. BARTLET I know. TOBY She's talking about Texas, sir. BARTLET I know. C.J. U.S.A. Today asks you why you don't spend more time campaigning in Texas and you say it's 'cause you don't look good in funny hats. SAM It was 'big hats.' C.J. What difference does it make? BARTLET It makes a difference. C.J. The point is we got whomped in Texas. JOSH We got whomped in Texas twice. C.J. We got whomped in the primary, and we got whomped in November. BARTLET I think I was there. C.J. And it was avoidable, sir. BARTLET C.J., on your tombstone, it's gonna read, 'Post hoc, ergo propter hoc.' C.J. Okay, but none of my visitors are going to be able to understand my tombstone. BARTLET Twenty-seven lawyers in the room, anybody know 'post hoc, ergo propter hoc?' Josh? JOSH Uh, uh, post, after, after hoc, ergo, therefore, after hoc, therefore, something else hoc. BARTLET Thank you. Next? JOSH Uh, if I'd gotten more credit on the 443... BARTLET Leo? LEO After it, therefore because of it. [Josh, a little weirded out, looks] BARTLET After it, therefore because of it. It means one thing follows the other, therefore it was caused by the other, but it's not always true. In fact, it's hardly ever true. We did not lose Texas because of the hat joke. Do you know when we lost Texas? C.J. When you learned to speak Latin? BARTLET Go figure. LEO What else? CUT TO: INT. OUTER OVAL OFFICE - DAY CAPTAIN MORRIS TOLLIVER, the President's physician, comes in. NANCY greets him. NANCY Captain Tolliver, can I get you a cup of coffee? MORRIS No, I'm fine, Nancy. Thank you. MRS. LANDINGHAM Good morning, Morris. It's good to see you. MORRIS Good morning, Mrs. Landingham. MRS. LANDINGHAM He's a little backed up this morning. MORRIS I can see that. The door to the Oval Office opens. Leo, Sam, Josh, and other staffers come out. LEO Sam, when are you writing the Hilton Head draft? SAM I'm closing my door from noon to three. JOSH Let me see it at three. SAM Yeah. LEO Morris. MORRIS Good morning. LEO Stan, I'll be just a second. [to Morris] Take a walk with me, will you? MORRIS Sure. [They walk.] LEO You look well. MORRIS Well, I'm feeling pretty good. LEO How's the baby? MORRIS Ten days old today. LEO You got a picture? MORRIS Well, I don't know... Let me see... Well, what do you know? [fishes out a picture] LEO Oh, she's a knockout. MORRIS Both of them. LEO I'm sorry. I've forgotten your wife's name. MORRIS Angela. LEO And the girl? MORRIS Corey. Margaret comes from behind as they enter the COMMUNICATIONS OFFICE. Leo and Morris stop walking. MARGARET Leo, did you tell the council's office that they would be in on the ten o'clock? LEO I may have. MARGARET That's really something that you want to tell me. LEO [hands her the picture] Here. It's a baby and a new mother. Look at that for a minute. MARGARET Oh! Leo and Morris walk again. Margaret follows while looking at the picture. LEO Listen, quickly. I know you were just supposed to be filling in till Terry Wyatt came back, but the President likes you, and he'd like to keep you on if you don't have any objections. MORRIS I don't have any objections. LEO Good. MORRIS But I have to be covered next week. I'm leaving the country in a few hours. LEO Where are you going? MORRIS Jordan. LEO For how long? MORRIS For just a week. LEO Then you'll start the week after. MORRIS Leo? LEO Yeah? MORRIS I'm comparatively low-ranked. LEO He likes you, Morris. He feels better after he's talked to you. I think there have been days when you've lightened the load a little. MORRIS It's not the big load, I'm just... LEO He likes you, Morris. I got to get back in the Oval. [to Margaret] Give him his picture. Leo walks off. Margaret gives Morris back his picture and follows Leo. CUT TO: EXT. MANDY'S CONDOMINIUM - DAY Mandy's convertible is being towed outside. Inside, Mandy walks in. She finds her a**istant, DAISY, inside. DAISY Hey. MANDY Hey. DAISY 88-B's straightened out, and Chris Matthews wants to know what we know. MANDY Well, I have some news. DAISY Good news? MANDY Well, there's a way to see it as bad news, but I think it's good news. DAISY What is it? MANDY Lloyd Russell is no longer our client. DAISY Really? MANDY Yes. DAISY Lloyd Russell is our only client. MANDY Was. DAISY What happened? This is a total disaster! MANDY Look, if that's the spin you're gonna put on it... DAISY Mandy... MANDY He wants to work with the President on 443. DAISY He's not gonna run? MANDY No. DAISY You lost our only client? MANDY I'd like to think of us as a team, Daisy. DAISY I quit my job! MANDY So did I. DAISY After putting about a half a million dollars in the bank. MANDY I saved wisely. DAISY How are you gonna pay me? MANDY Can I just say that it so typically you to leap that question at a time like this? DAISY It's not typically me, Mandy. It's typically my landlord. It's typically college loans. It's typically the guy who's gonna sell me a carton of milk next week. MANDY You're not the only one with expenses, Daisy. I've got credit cards, and I've got condo payments, plus I think I may have dinged up the suspension on my BMW. DAISY What are we gonna do? MANDY I'm formulating a plan. Mandy walks inside a bathroom and closes the door. CUT TO: INT. THE WEST WING - HALLWAY - DAY Donna finds Josh. They walk. DONNA Josh. JOSH What do you need? DONNA You owe me a hundred dollars. JOSH For what? DONNA I entered you in a college football pool. JOSH Without telling me? DONNA Well, it's kind of a surprise. JOSH How did I do? DONNA You lost a hundred dollars. JOSH On who? DONNA On Central Indiana State. JOSH What was the line? DONNA It wasn't really that kind of a pool. JOSH What kind of a pool was it? DONNA You just pick the winner. JOSH You picked Central Indiana State? DONNA The Fighting Okies. JOSH Who are they playing? DONNA Notre Dame. JOSH You picked Central Indiana State against Notre Dame? DONNA Well, technically, you did. Toby pa**es them. Josh calls him as Donna walks off. We follow Toby and Josh. JOSH Toby! TOBY Yes. JOSH We need to do something. TOBY Ryder Cup team. JOSH The Ryder Cup is just the latest in a string. TOBY Yes. JOSH The banking committee... TOBY New Jersey, G-8. JOSH Bicycle under the tree? TOBY Yes, though I'm not sure what our new media director would have done about that. JOSH Me neither, but we need a new media director. I'd been on talent shows with more polish than some of the events around here. TOBY On talent shows? JOSH As a kid. Listen... TOBY On what if? JOSH We need to double-team him. TOBY If we bring Sam and C.J. too. JOSH We need to gang up on. TOBY Yes. JOSH We do it as a gang. TOBY See you later. Josh stops walking as Toby continues down the hall. JOSH Listen, it's not gonna be Mandy, right? TOBY Nope. JOSH Anyone but Mandy. Toby had walked near C.J.'s Office. He sees C.J. as they head off. C.J. 'Post hoc ergo propter hoc'? I'll bet that used to have them rolling in the aisles at the Whiffinpoof Dinners. TOBY Fly in the teeth with it. C.J. You think? TOBY Be funny. You're at your best with a pie in the face. C.J. I've been told that. TOBY In fact, I'd hold back. Keep it in your back pocket. C.J. Janet? TOBY If you don't like the rhythm of the 'Q' and 'A,' use the Ryder Cup. Just fly in the teeth with it. C.J. Yeah. C.J. and Toby walk off. The staffer JANET speaks into the P.A. JANET [into P.A.] Please take your seats. Please take your seats, folks. We're gonna start the briefing. PRESS BRIEFING ROOM. C.J. and Toby walk in. We continue to hear Janet from the P.A. while C.J. walks toward the podium as the reporters take their seats. JANET [P.A.] Please take your seats. Please take your seats, folks. C.J. Good morning. We got a birthday today, right? Suzanne? SUZANNE Bobbi. C.J. It's Bobbi's birthday! BOBBI Yes, it is. MIKE C.J.? Uh, a short while ago the Vice President commented on the White House's position on the A3-C3 saying, and I'm quoting from notes, 'This is the time when the President needs our support.' Can you clarify the language? C.J. No. I can't, Mike. I haven't spoken with the Vice President today. MIKE The language seemed strained, doesn't it? C.J. [glances at Toby, then back at Mike] Strange? MIKE Strained. 'This is the time when the President needs our support.' C.J. It sounds pretty straightforward. I'll tell you what though, if you consult the morning releases, you'll see that in the world of sports, the White House just got dissed by 12 guys named Flippy. Laughter. C.J. looks at Toby, who is smiling at her response. We zoom out of the PRESS ROOM. C.J. Who's got questions? REPORTER C.J., does this have anything to do with the joke, and is the President planning on making an apology? FADE OUT. END ACT ONE *** ACT TWO FADE IN: INT. JOSH'S BULLPEN AREA - DAY Josh is watching C.J.'s briefing from a nearby television. Sam comes up. C.J. [on T.V.] I have to say that it came as a bit of a surprise to discover that professional golfers don't have a sense of humor, especially after seeing them in some of the outfits. SAM Hey. JOSH Hey. SAM What's up? C.J. [on T.V.] Thank you... JOSH [starts walking with Sam] C.J. just discovered that Hoynes, when responding to a question on A3, said 'this is the time when the President needs our support.' Third one in five weeks. SAM So she moved on to the Ryder Cup? JOSH Wouldn't you? SAM Yeah. [beat] Listen, make sure C.J. keeps this off Leo's desk. JOSH I think it goes right on Leo's desk. SAM A vague quote from Hoynes will disappear by the end of the next news cycle. A fistfight between Leo and the Vice President's got juice. JOSH Fair point. SAM Talk to C.J. JOSH Yeah. I will. One he gets his coffee, Josh walks away. After a while he notices that Sam is following him. JOSH Did you need me? SAM I'm sorry? JOSH Didn't you come to see me? SAM I was just stretching my legs. JOSH Oh. They walk into JOSH'S OFFICE. SAM I'm supposed to be working on the Hilton Head draft right now, and I am, but I'm just stretching my legs. JOSH Okay. SAM Last week, I was out for a late drink, and I met this woman named Laurie, and Laurie and I hit it off, and we spent the evening together back at her place, and the next day I discovered she was a call girl. Josh has been drinking his coffee. He's having a hard time swallowing. JOSH Sam? SAM Yeah? JOSH Do you want to maybe close the door? SAM Yeah. [he does] JOSH You slept with a call girl? SAM Well no, I... well, yes. Yes I did. JOSH Did she know who you are? SAM No, I didn't reveal my secret identity, Josh. JOSH I'm asking some questions here. SAM Yes. She knows I work for the President. JOSH You don't think that she... SAM No. JOSH Let me finish... SAM No, I'm saying no, she wouldn't say anything. JOSH How do you know? SAM I know. JOSH How do you know? SAM I know. JOSH You want to call her again, don't you? SAM Look, I really like her, and she's not what you think. JOSH The only thing I know about her is she's a call girl. Is she a call girl? SAM Yes. JOSH Then so far she's exactly what I think. SAM I just think I left abruptly. I think it was rude. JOSH Oh, you're gonna try and reform her, aren't you? SAM No. JOSH You are. SAM I just didn't say a proper goodbye that, you know, shows a little respect. JOSH Sam... SAM You know what, you'd like her if you met her, Josh. JOSH You got to promise me this is never gonna happen, Sam. Donna knocks and pokes her head in. JOSH Yes? DONNA You're with the Energy Secretary in five minutes. JOSH Thanks. DONNA What's going on? JOSH Nothing. DONNA Really? JOSH Yes. DONNA You're lying? JOSH Yes. DONNA So I should get out? JOSH Yes. [Donna leaves] Look, whatever quest... SAM It's not a quest. JOSH Whatever. You're playing with fire here. Just talk to Toby before you do anything. SAM Toby? JOSH Yes. SAM There's no way that I can do this without talking to Toby? JOSH No. [opens the door and sees C.J. walking by] Ooh! Ooh! Hang on there. C.J.! [to Sam] Just talk to Toby. Just Toby. SAM All right. Josh walks out. Donna gives him a file. He catches up with C.J. DONNA You're late. JOSH Thank you. C.J.... C.J. I'm gonna k** him, Josh. JOSH I would definitely talk to him. C.J. Oh, I'm gonna talk to him, all right. JOSH I want you to stay on the perimeter. C.J. I've been staying on the perimeter. JOSH I don't want it on Leo's desk. Thank you Josh stops as C.J. continues to walk a little faster. C.J. lets out a loud, angry scream. Some staffers look at her strangely as she walks down the hall. CUT TO: INT. THE MURAL ROOM - DAY VICE PRESIDENT JOHN HOYNES is inside talking to a Frenchman. Several reporters surround the room as their cameras flash everywhere. HOYNES C'est un vrai plasir et un honneur. D'etre votre hote aujourd'hui que vous surviviez cette chaleure du fin de septembre. Et que ce jour soit le jour ou on construit pour le future. FRENCHMAN Absolument. Tres bien dis. HOYNES Excellent. C.J. comes in the room and stands next to STEVIE one of the Vice President's staffers. C.J. Hey Stevie. STEVIE Hey C.J. C.J. Does he have a minute? STEVIE We're leaving for New York. C.J. It'll just be a minute. STEVIE I'm looking at my watch. HOYNES [to Frenchman] Good luck. [to everyone in general] Thank you. Good luck everyone. Hoynes heads for the door as C.J. approaches him. His staff follows behind as they walk hurriedly down the hall. C.J. Excuse me, Mr. Vice President? HOYNES C.J. C.J. Sir, I-I wanted to talk to you for a moment about A3-C3. HOYNES Yes. C.J. I wanted to apologize since I've been quickly here and in getting everyone on the same page, sometimes people get left behind for a day or two... HOYNES [to a staffer behind him] Candy, the most he was talking about in terms of the subsidy was six dollars an acre. CANDY We're fixing it. STEVIE Sir? C.J. I was saying that had we properly briefed your office... HOYNES [to another staffer] Bill, it was six dollars an acre, Candy said. BILL Got it. HOYNES Thanks. C.J. Sir? HOYNES C.J., it was nice of you to come find me, but I've been kept in the loop on AC cubed. C.J. The quote the room is running with is, 'This is the time when the President needs our support.' HOYNES Yes. C.J. Well, you can see how that might be interpreted...? HOYNES [suddenly stops walking and everyone with him] C.J.? C.J. Yes, sir? HOYNES I've got my own press secretary. C.J. Yes, sir. STEVIE Sir? HOYNES I got to run. C.J. Yes, sir. C.J. falls silent. She stares at Hoynes as he and his staff walk away. CUT TO: THE OVAL OFFICE - DAY Bartlet is having his physical check-up. Morris has just finished taking his blood pressure. BARTLET What's in Jordan? MORRIS Amman. BARTLET You should stay here. We got Amman, a woman, little kids, the works. MORRIS 131 over 84. BARTLET See, that was a joke. MORRIS Good one. BARTLET Everybody's a critic today. MORRIS Hold still. BARTLET So what's in Amman? MORRIS A teaching hospital. BARTLET Good for you. How long are you gonna stay? MORRIS A week. BARTLET When do you leave? MORRIS Two hours. BARTLET What's my temperature? MORRIS 56 degrees. BARTLET Fahrenheit? MORRIS Yeah. Is that not normal? BARTLET [chuckles] So how's the kid? MORRIS Ten days old today. BARTLET Can she spell anything yet? MORRIS No, sir. BARTLET Got any pictures? MORRIS Thought you'd never ask. [gives him one] NANCY [comes in] Sir, they just touched down at Andrews. BARTLET Thank you, Nancy. Nancy leaves. Bartlet looks at the picture. BARTLET Oh, she's beautiful. What's her name? MORRIS Angela's my wife. Corey's our daughter. It's my grandmother's name. She got it from her great aunt, who got it from the first free woman she ever met. BARTLET That name's got a hell of a past. MORRIS My family's very proud of its past as you can tell. BARTLET Your wife's beautiful too. How'd you get her to marry you? Did you trick her or something? MORRIS Hypnosis. BARTLET Yeah, I figured. [beat] Morris, I made a joke about golfers yesterday, and now it consumes the whole damn building. MORRIS Open your mouth, sir. BARTLET Jokes like that are part of my folksy charm, Morris. It's the very heart of my popularity. MORRIS Don't you have a job approval rating of like three percent or something? BARTLET Oh, we're having some difficulty getting the word out. Carol comes in and gives Bartlet a file. BARTLET Oh, thank you. Is this from this morning, Carol? CAROL Yes, sir. [leaves] BARTLET [sighs] So how's my pulse? MORRIS Have you been running up and down the stairs at the Rose Bowl in the past few minutes? BARTLET No. MORRIS Then it's not that good. Cut back on red meat? BARTLET Yeah. MORRIS Dairy? BARTLET Yeah. MORRIS How about booze? BARTLET [jokingly] Yeah, why not? Two Dewars on the rocks, Mrs. Landingham. MORRIS [smiles] Mr. President... BARTLET I had a meeting this morning with the Joint Chiefs. [beat] I'm an accomplished man, Morris. I can sit comfortably with prime ministers and Presidents, even the pope. Why is it every time I sit with the Joint Chiefs, I feel like I'm back at my father's dinner table. MORRIS I'm a naval officer, sir... BARTLET You're a naval officer. You're a doctor in a uniform. [beat] It's not like I'm totally without experience, you know. MORRIS Yes, sir. BARTLET You're talking to a former governor. I was commander-in-chief of the New Hampshire National Guard. MORRIS You guys got into a lot of tough scrapes, did you? BARTLET Didn't have to. We'd just stand on the border and stare you down. Then we'd all go for pancakes. Like you had a lot of closed infantry combat training in premed, huh? MORRIS Hold still just a second. BARTLET What is that? MORRIS It's a flu shot. BARTLET I don't need a flu shot. MORRIS You do need a flu shot. BARTLET How do I know this isn't the start of a military coup? MORRIS Sir? BARTLET I want the Secret Service in here right away. MORRIS In the event of a military coup, sir, what makes you think the Secret Service is gonna be on your side? BARTLET Now that's a thought that's gonna fester. MORRIS Hold still. Morris gives him the flu shot. Bartlet groans a little, and then holds his arm after the shot. BARTLET Thank you. I'm not comfortable with violence. [beat] I know this country has enemies, but I don't feel violent toward any of them. I don't know whether that's a weakness or not, but I think I know how the Joint Chiefs would answer that question. MORRIS Let the chiefs get to know you, Mr. President. They're serious men, naturally suspicious of your leadership. That's what comes from spending a lifetime caught between the devil and the deep blue sea. They're men of character. They may not like your resume, but they'll like you personally if you give it time. [beat] You have a once in a generation mind, sir. Ultimately, they'll respect that. They'll advise you well and go where you point. Let the chiefs get to know you, sir. In the meantime, you outrank them. So don't worry about it so much, and cut back on the dairy. BARTLET And the red meat. MORRIS And the scotch. BARTLET Don't forget your picture. Corey's a beautiful child. MORRIS [looks at picture] Yeah, I know. Look what I'd done. BARTLET You didn't do nothing, mister. You were a pa**enger on this one. Your job is to pay the bills, and do what these ladies tell you to do. MORRIS Yes, sir. BARTLET Also, you got to teach her how to whistle. Her mother won't do that. MORRIS Right. BARTLET I'll see you next week, Morris. MORRIS In two weeks. BARTLET Right. [Morris heads for the door.] Morris? MORRIS Yes, sir. BARTLET Look at that picture again. See? The past isn't the only thing your family can be proud of. MORRIS [beat] Yes, sir. BARTLET Go away. Morris leaves. He pa**es Leo walking inside with two distinguished men. LEO Mr. President, you remember Stuart White and Ray Finley? BARTLET I do, indeed. Mr. White, good to see you. Mr. Finley... WHITE and FINLEY shake hands with the President. FADE OUT. END ACT TWO * * * ACT THREE FADE IN: INT. JOSH'S BULLPEN AREA - DAY Donna and Josh are walking through the bullpen. DONNA Josh? JOSH Yeah. DONNA What do you want for the pool this Saturday? JOSH Another hundred bucks? DONNA You can't win if you don't play. JOSH I see it different. DONNA Who do you like? Rocky Mountain College or Purdue? JOSH Tell you what, can you give me Yeshiva University over the Dallas Cowboys? DONNA If you're not going to take this seriously... C.J. [walks up] Excuse me. Leo will be ready for us in about a half hour. JOSH Thanks. Ah, C.J.? C.J. Yes? JOSH Did you talk to Hoynes? C.J. Yeah. JOSH And? C.J. We're fine. JOSH You're sure? C.J. Yeah JOSH C.J.? C.J. We're fine. JOSH Okay. C.J. Leo will call when he's ready. JOSH Anyone but Mandy. C.J. Right. [walks off] CUT TO: INT. MANDY'S CONDO - DAY Mandy is sitting in the stairs. Daisy picks up a wine bottle and joins Mandy in the stairs. MANDY I have a Ph.D. Did you know that? DAISY Yes. MANDY Some people don't know that. DAISY I do. MANDY I've got a bachelor's degree in art history, and a master's degree in communications, and a Ph.D. in political science. DAISY Yes. MANDY I'm accomplished and brilliant. And yet, look how young and cute I am. DAISY What about Gil McGregor? MANDY And who would think that someone who'd accomplished as much as I have, would be this young or this cute? DAISY Gil McGregor? MANDY And here I am. DAISY Mandy. MANDY I am not calling Gil McGregor! DAISY Why not? MANDY I'm not cold-calling businesses like an encyclopedia salesman. DAISY Fine. MANDY You do it. [Daisy gives her a knowing look] No. Neither of us has to do it. Things haven't gotten that bad. DAISY Miss Hampton, we are sitting on the stairs, drinking wine out of paper cups. MANDY I'd like it if you called me Dr. Hampton. DAISY Give me the bottle. [Mandy does.] CUT TO: INT. COMMUNICATIONS OFFICE - DAY Outside Sam's office, a phone rings. Cathy answers it. CATHY Sam Seaborn's office. MAN [on phone] Hi, it's Danny for Sam. CATHY He's writing now, Danny. He asked me to hold his calls. SAM [walks out of his office] Okay. CATHY He just came out. I'll have him call you back. SAM I'm done. CATHY You're sure? SAM Yep. CATHY You're done polishing? SAM Yes. CATHY You're done tweaking? SAM I'm done tweaking, I'm done polishing. Done. Take it to C.J. [Cathy starts to walk.] Wait. [looks at the speech one final time, to double check] Yes, I'm done, really. Cathy walks towards C.J.'s Office with papers from Sam. Behind him, TOBY'S OFFICE opens. Sam walks towards it where a meeting is breaking up. Toby is speaking to communications staffers Ed and Larry leaving his office. TOBY Wait and hope that the statement comes out of the U.N. by the end of the week. ED It's the least we can do. TOBY No, actually the U.N. is already doing the least they can do. ED Right. [exits] Hey Sam, what's up? SAM Just stretching my legs. TOBY [to Sam] Hey. SAM Hey. TOBY How's it going? SAM I'm finished. TOBY You're talking about the Hilton head draft? SAM I used pretty tough language... 'political cover,' 'counterproductive.' TOBY Good. SAM Now, I'm just stretching my legs. TOBY Good. SAM Can I talk to you a second? TOBY Yeah. SAM I'll shut the door. TOBY Okay. SAM [closes the door and sits] About a week ago, I accidentally slept with a prostitute. Toby slowly looks up from his desk to Sam. TOBY Really? SAM Yes. TOBY You accidentally slept with a prostitute? SAM Call girl. TOBY Accidentally? SAM Yes. TOBY I don't understand. Did you trip over something? SAM I did not know she was a call girl. TOBY There wasn't a red flag when she charged you money in exchange for s**? SAM She didn't charge me, Toby, come on... I didn't find out about it, till the next day. TOBY Where did you meet her? SAM The Four Seasons. TOBY Did anyone see you? SAM No. TOBY You're sure? SAM Yes, although I was with Billy for a time. TOBY Billy who? SAM Kenworthy. TOBY Bill Kenworthy... SAM Yes. TOBY ...of The Wall Street Journal! SAM He sat, to talk to me about Josh. It was during the whole Mary Marsh thing, but he got up and left well before... TOBY Before you picked up a hooker. SAM Call girl. TOBY Well, that's a distinction that's gonna be very important to the Grand Jury. SAM I haven't broken any laws. TOBY Who else knows about this? SAM Josh. TOBY And who else? SAM That's it. TOBY So it's just me, you, the hooker, the President's deputy chief of staff, and The Wall Street Journal! SAM You know what Toby? She's not a hooker. TOBY Hang on a second, Sam. SAM I'd like to call her, just to say we can be friends, I don't see the danger in that... TOBY [rubs his forehead] No, no, Sam, no. You're going to try and reform her? SAM No. TOBY I think you are. SAM I think she shouldn't have to feel like trash, because I have a job where adults aren't given the benefit of the doubt. JOSH [walks in] Let's go. SAM He's free? JOSH Yeah. Toby looks at Sam before leaving. They all walk. TOBY [to Josh] Did you know about this? JOSH Know about what? TOBY [indicating Sam] With him. JOSH Yes. TOBY And you're not concerned? JOSH Who among us hasn't known forbidden love, Toby? Why spring break alone... SAM I was going to say... TOBY This administration doesn't even need an opposition party, do you know that, we do fine by ourselves. JOSH Sam, just don't do anything stupid okay? SAM Yeah. JOSH Nice job on the Hilton head draft. The three enter LEO'S OFFICE. C.J. and Leo are already there. LEO You have three minutes, what do you want? TOBY A full time consultant. LEO The dollar is down 3 cents against the Yen; up 2 pennies against the Euro. Know what we need more than a media consultant? An economic stimulus package that doesn't look like it was put together at an Amway rally. JOSH Yes, but that's not the meeting we're having right now. LEO Fair point. JOSH The Ryder Cup shouldn't have even ended up on our radar screen. LEO That's right. JOSH So you'll let us hire a media consultant? You'll let the D.N.C. spend some money? LEO Absolutely. TOBY Who do we get? LEO Mandy. TOBY Excellent choice. JOSH Yes... Wait, What? SAM Mandy. C.J. Who is recently unemployed, and by the way, I don't think Josh has gotten enough credit for that. [She applauds. Sam joins in.] LEO We need her again, Josh. JOSH Mandy? LEO We need her. JOSH Wait a second. This is an ambush. LEO Can you think...? JOSH I'm getting mugged and you're the gang leader. LEO Can you think of a single reason not to use Mandy that isn't personal? JOSH Sure. LEO What? JOSH [beat] She used to be my girlfriend! LEO That's good enough for me. Let's do it. TOBY Excellent. JOSH Hang on. SAM This is going to be great. JOSH Wait, I-I have certain objections. LEO Like what? JOSH For one thing, the President would never go for this. LEO Sure he will. JOSH How do you know? LEO and JOSH I [You] already asked him. JOSH All right... listen... fine... I'm a team player. I think my record is pretty clear on that. LEO Yes. JOSH As long as she understands that she answers to me and she answers to Toby. I don't want to have to go 15 rounds with her in the Oval Office. LEO Toby, does that wrap it up? TOBY Yeah. LEO Thank you, everybody. JOSH I'm going to draw a chart for her with lines and arrows, clearly indicating that she answers to me and she answers to Toby. LEO C.J., hang on a second. Everyone leaves. C.J. stands just inside the door. LEO Did you talk to Hoynes today? C.J. Yeah, I talked to him for a minute this morning. LEO About A3-C3? C.J. Yep. LEO I mean about the quote. C.J. Yeah. LEO And? C.J. Miscommunication, he's on board. LEO Yeah? C.J. Yeah. LEO I don't understand, what kind of miscommunication? C.J. His statement got truncated, I'd leave it alone. LEO Okay. C.J. Anything else? LEO No. C.J. I'll be in my office. C.J. leaves. Josh suddenly comes back in from the other door to make his point. JOSH She answers to me and she answers to Toby. Leo shakes his head as Josh leaves. CUT TO: INT. THE OVAL OFFICE - NIGHT Bartlet is packing his briefcase. Mrs. Landingham is with him. BARTLET Mrs. Landingham? MRS. LANDINGHAM Yes, sir? BARTLET I'm done, right? MRS. LANDINGHAM There are some calls, but you can make them from the residence. [gives him a file and a red paper bag] BARTLET All righty. Thank you. What's in the bag? MRS. LANDINGHAM Delegation from the University of Nebraska was sorry you couldn't see them during their visit, and they left this for you with their compliments. [pulls out a red shirt from the bag] BARTLET It's a shirt. MRS. LANDINGHAM Yes, sir. BARTLET They left me a shirt? MRS. LANDINGHAM Yes, sir. BARTLET I think they left me something else, Mrs. Landingham. MRS. LANDINGHAM Now, Mr. President... BARTLET I think they left me 12 center-cut prime fillet Omaha Steaks, Mrs. Landingham. MRS. LANDINGHAM Morris Tolliver said... BARTLET I was going to have Mario fix me one of those steaks tonight. He walks out into the PORTICO. Mrs. Landingham follows. MRS. LANDINGHAM Dr. Tolliver was very clear about... BARTLET You stole my steaks. MRS. LANDINGHAM I didn't steal them. I was simply following the direct orders of Captain Morris Tolliver, M.D. who would like to see your diet contain a little less... BARTLET You are a cattle rustler, Mrs. Landingham. MRS. LANDINGHAM If you say so, Mr. President... And no scotch tonight, sir. BARTLET Between you and Dr. Tolliver, who needs a wife or a mother? MRS. LANDINGHAM Good night, Mr. President. Bartlet walks toward the residence. Mrs. Landingham returns to the office. CUT TO: INT. MANDY'S CONDO - NIGHT Mandy sits on the stairs and Daisy sits on the floor. They're going over a list. DAISY Christensen? MANDY No. DAISY Stillwell? MANDY No. DAISY Crouse? MANDY The one from Indiana? DAISY Alabama. MANDY No. DAISY How about the one from Indiana? MANDY No. The two don't notice Josh entering. DAISY Kittis? MANDY No. DAISY Waveman? MANDY No. DAISY Brock? MANDY No. DAISY Uh, Silverman? JOSH Bartlet. Mandy and Daisy swiftly look at him. JOSH What about Bartlet? MANDY What are you doing here? JOSH Jed Bartlet, Nobel Laureate in Economics, three-term congressman, two-term Governor, You guys look like you could use a client. What do you say? You want to work for the leader of the free world? MANDY [approaches] Josh! Well it took you long enough. [hits Josh in the arm] JOSH Ow! MANDY You kept me out of the loop for a year. Sure, once the Ryder cup team... JOSH Okay... MANDY Which by the way... JOSH Okay, we have some rules. MANDY I don't want to hear your rules. DAISY What are the rules? JOSH Number one, she can't punch me. Number two, I prefer it if the two of you didn't get drunk in the middle of the day. MANDY No. DAISY Agreed. MANDY Fine. DAISY Oh, you don't know how much we appreciate this, Josh. MANDY It's not like he's doing us a favor. DAISY You are a good man, Josh! JOSH Yes, I really am quite something. MANDY I just want to die. DAISY We don't even know how to thank you. JOSH The look on Mandy's face is thanks enough. Get your coats. You hungry? MANDY No. DAISY Yes. MANDY Yes. JOSH Lets go. Rule number 3, and I really can't emphasize this enough, you answer to me and you answer to Toby. My office is drawing up some instructional charts that pretty much outline the chain of command. For instance, you answer to me and you answer to Toby. MANDY I understand. JOSH Do you? MANDY Yes. JOSH Good. The three start to go out. MANDY In your dreams. JOSH Mandy! MANDY In your little dreams! Daisy turns off the lights and closes the door. CUT TO:INT. LEO'S OFFICE - NIGHT Leo is reading. Margaret walks in. MARGARET Excuse me. The Vice President is here. LEO Thanks. HOYNES Hey, Leo. LEO Good evening Mr. Vice President. LEO Thanks, Margaret. Margaret leaves the office. Leo and Hoynes sit in opposite ends. LEO How was New York? HOYNES Standard and Poor's going to raise the city's credit rating. LEO Good. HOYNES Nice of you to call me over. We don't see enough of each other. LEO No. HOYNES Margaret's looking good. LEO Did you blow off C.J. Cregg this morning? HOYNES Leo... LEO I'm asking... HOYNES Is that what this is about? LEO Did you? HOYNES You know what, C.J. doesn't need to come running to you every time she hits a bump... LEO C.J. did not come running, John, she covered your a**, she's a good girl. And when she tells you something, I want you to consider it a directive from this office. HOYNES You want me to consider it a directive from this office? LEO Yes. HOYNES Well, let me consult Article Two of the Constitution, cause I'm not a hundred percent sure where this office gets the authority to direct me to the men's room! LEO You really want to do this now? HOYNES Leo, I have had it up to here, with you and your pal! I've been shoved into a broom... LEO [gets riled] Excuse me! Me and my pal? HOYNES Yes. LEO You are referring to President Bartlet? HOYNES Yes. LEO Refer to him that way. HOYNES [gets up] Goodnight, Leo. LEO Don't do what you're doing, John. HOYNES You're a world cla** political operative, Leo. Why the hell shouldn't I keep doing what I've been doing? LEO 'Cause I'll win, and you'll end up playing celebrity golf for the rest of your life. HOYNES How long do you expect me to stick around here and be his whipping boy? LEO Give this President anything less than your full-throated support, and you're going to find out exactly how long. HOYNES Goodnight, Leo. LEO Goodnight, John. Hoynes leaves. Leo picks up the paperwork from the table and continues to read. FADE OUT. END ACT THREE * * * ACT FOUR FADE IN: INT. THE FOUR SEASONS - NIGHT Sam comes in the restaurant. He looks around the place full of distinguished people. He sees a familiar woman by the bar and approaches her. SAM Excuse me. Hi. WOMAN Hi. SAM I'm looking for Laurie. WOMAN I don't know anyone named Laurie. SAM Laurie's not her real name. WOMAN Laurie's not her real name? SAM Actually, Laurie is her real name. The name you know her by is not her real name. I saw her with you the other night. WOMAN Oh, yeah. I remember you. SAM Ah. More good news for Toby. WOMAN What? SAM Nothing. Could you tell me where she is? WOMAN She's in the back. SAM Thank you. [heads towards the back] WOMAN She's busy. SAM Only take a sec! IN THE BACK AREA. We see Laurie sitting with two older men and another woman around a table. MAN Hongkong? That place has really gone downhill since they changed chefs. Everyone in the table laughs. Sam just walks up. SAM Hi. LAURIE [out of her laugh] Hi! SAM Look at this. I come in for a drink, and here you are. LAURIE [now uncomfortable] How 'bout that? SAM How you doing? MAN Hi. LAURIE This is... SAM Sam Seaborn. MAN From the White House? SAM Yes, sir. [They shake hands.] LAURIE Sam. SAM I hope you don't mind my barging in like this. It's just that I've known this girl my whole life. WOMAN How do you know Brittany? SAM Who's Brittany? LAURIE I am. SAM Okay. LAURIE Sam, we're in the middle of something here... SAM No problem. I don't mean to interrupt. I'll just go back to the bar and call my friend, the Assistant U.S. Attorney General, and see if he wants to come down and meet for a drink with me and that woman back there. LAURIE Excuse me. [leaves abruptly] SAM [to man] Good to meet you. [to the other man] Okay. CUT TO:EXT. WASHINGTON D.C. STREET - NIGHT Laurie comes out of the restaurant. Sam is walking behind her. SAM Laurie. I called you four times. You said you were gonna call me back. LAURIE Stay away from me. SAM Laurie? LAURIE I can't believe you just did that! SAM I came here in the spirit of... LAURIE I left my jacket at the table. I can't go back there. SAM If I cost you some money, I'll write you a check. LAURIE You go to hell for saying that. SAM I wasn't... [Laurie walks off ahead of Sam. He follows behind.] I'm sorry. That was the wrong thing to say. LAURIE Yes. SAM You're gonna freeze out here. LAURIE I don't care. SAM Take my coat. LAURIE No. SAM Come on. LAURIE Give it to me. [She stops. Sam helps her put on the coat.] I can't believe you said that in there. I backed away from you so quietly, Sam. You know I did. I never would have caused you any trouble. And then you come in and you brandish this... by the way, the Attorney General has no jurisdiction here. [walks again] SAM Are you...? LAURIE I break the law in the district. I break the law in Maryland. And from time to time, I break the law in Pennsylvania. In my life, I have never committed a federal crime, which is more than I can say for some people in your line of work. SAM You're absolutely right about that. LAURIE I need a cab. [waves to a cab pa**ing by but it didn't stop] SAM So I had a pretty good day. LAURIE Congratulations. SAM I feel like more and more I'm putting a role in policy discussions and then today I... LAURIE Why did you come and find me tonight? SAM What? LAURIE Why did you call me four times, and then come and find me? SAM I just... to tell you that I had a pretty good day. LAURIE I don't need saving, Sam. SAM Yeah, you do. LAURIE Are you aware that I make more money than you do? SAM You and any kid with a decent paper route. LAURIE And you understand that I wasn't abused as a child, that I like what I do? SAM Really? LAURIE That it's putting me through law school? SAM I wouldn't knock yourself out in torts because there's no state law in this country that's gonna admit you with a solicitation bust on your record. LAURIE I don't plan on getting busted. SAM As opposed to the other people that do? LAURIE Sam... SAM And I gotta tell you... [They stop walking.] I think you look terrific tonight. LAURIE Thank you. SAM And I'm not just saying that because I want my coat back. LAURIE You're gonna try and change me, arguing, a**erting a position every time I turn around... SAM I'm a lawyer and a speechwriter. I argue for a living, and I'm sought after because I'm good at it. LAURIE You humiliated me back there. And you scared me. You understand that? SAM Yeah. LAURIE And? SAM I guess that's just the way it goes. LAURIE Well, that's not good enough. SAM It's gonna have to be. LAURIE Why? SAM 'Cause I've decided to become a good friend of yours. LAURIE Oh, am I just supposed to strip down for you now? SAM No. LAURIE Really? SAM Really. LAURIE So what are we supposed to do? SAM I don't know, but whatever it is, can we do it indoors because I'm from Southern California. LAURIE Yeah. SAM Good. LAURIE You want to buy me a drink? SAM I have to say, that sounded very professional to me. LAURIE Shut up. SAM Okay. They start walking, but this time, we don't follow them. LAURIE So you're gonna reveal state secrets? SAM To be honest with you, I don't think I know any state secrets. LAURIE Now, he tells me. SAM I can recite the members of Congress in alphabetical order. LAURIE Ooh, geez, Sam. How do the girls stay on their feet with you? SAM And I got some patter with the capital gains tax, too. Laurie laughs as they continue to walk away. CUT TO: INT. THE WHITE HOUSE - HALLWAY - NIGHT 3:35 A.M. There is an unusual crowding in the White House hallways at this time of night. There are numbers of staffers walking. Among them, we see Toby coming in the Roosevelt Room. CUT TO: INT. THE WHITE HOUSE PORTICO - NIGHT President Bartlet, wearing a sweatshirt and jeans, walks towards the Oval Office. He pa**es by a Secret Service Agent, who whispers to the mike on his wrist. AGENT Eagle's by. CUT TO: INT. THE ROOSEVELT ROOM - NIGHT Leo and Josh are with several military officers. JOSH So they'll be in position in two hours? OFFICER 1 And they'd be booked up by a second carrier group plus the F-14s off the George Washington and the Carlston. LEO How long before an estimated B.D.A.? OFFICER 2 Ten minutes. AGENT [walks up from behind Leo] The President's waiting. LEO Excuse me, gentlemen. [heads for the door] JOSH Leo, do you need me? LEO No. Leo leaves. We see Toby and Sam looking on in the other end of the room. CUT TO: INT. THE OVAL OFFICE - NIGHT The President is leaning on his desk. Leo comes in and walks slowly toward him. LEO Mr. President, Morris Tolliver is dead. The bad news hits the President hard. LEO [cont.] An airforce transport carrying Morris, 1200 other doctors, 42 support staff, and a crew of five to a teaching hospital in Amman exploded in midair about 150 miles north of Tartus. What was first thought to be a mechanical failure was then claimed by a fundamentalist group after a keyhole satellite sent back a record of a heat stream coming from what's called an F.I.M. 92, which is a shoulder-mounted surface-to-air missile launcher. In the last 90 minutes or so that's been debunked as well. Hard intelligence is telling us the order came from the Syrian defense ministry. Baker and Lennox are on their way from the Pentagon, and Brodie's in the Situation Room preparing for your briefing. Bartlet takes a moment before he speaks. BARTLET What time is it? LEO It's 10:38 in Damascus. BARTLET Where is the Syrian amba**ador? LEO He's at his residence on a secure phone line. BARTLET Tel Aviv and London? LEO State's waiting for your word. BARTLET Alright, uh... [big sigh] I'm gonna call Morris' wife now. I'll meet you in the Situation Room. LEO Yes, sir. [heads for the door] BARTLET Leo? Leo turns around. BARTLET I am not frightened. I'm gonna blow them off the face of the earth with the fury of God's own thunder. [beat] Get the commanders. A look of concern is on Leo's face. He slowly turns around, opens the door and leaves. From the portico, we see Bartlet walking around behind his desk. He sits on his chair and lets out a big sigh. He then picks up the phone and makes the call. DISSOLVE TO: END TITLES. FADE TO BLACK. THE END