Ogden Nash - Yum, Yum, Take It Away lyrics

Do you wonder why, when you sit down to eat, you start twisting in your chair and drumming on the table with your digits? Because of dysphoria, which is a state of dissatisfaction, anxiety, restlessness or the fidgets, Which is caused by anticipation of dysphagia, or difficulty in swallowing, Which is caused by two hazards of dining with friends today, namely, the following: Hazard number one is the hostess who fancies herself as a gourmet, or should I say gourmette; Hers is a table at which even between courses you first take out and then hastily put back your cigarette. When does a housewife blossom into a Brillat- Savarin? I will tell you when; It is when she has a newspaper or magazine clipping, a clove of garlic, and a Rock Cornish hen Herbs are another status symbol, so as you work your way through the tossed epicurean forage, Why, you are supposed to detect and appreciate the difference between the oregano and the saxifrage, and the chervil and the borage. Frankly, I don't know whether I'd less rather eat them or guess them; If these be Herbs, I'm willing for Herb to repossess them. Hazard number two is no gourmet, she is the backbone of the economy in this land of the free; This hostess serves nothing that isn't displayed wrapped in cellophane at the supermarket exactly as advertised on her TV. Even before by the first mouthful your palate is mortified. You know you will be confronted with substances presliced, processed, tenderized, polyunsaturated, dehydrated, or fortified. You are in an evil humor; If, as Sir Winston has said, the good is the enemy of the best, so is the just-as-good the enemy of the bemused consumer. This truth is so evident that even the advertiser will occasionally resort to it as a final expedient; Witness the less expensive spread that is promoted as better than other less expensive spreads because it boasts of containing some of the more expensive spread as an ingredient. You know your desire is foolhardy, it is the essence of foolhardihoodness, But you desire to eat something that tastes like something, rather than something you are told will zestfully stimulate your taste buds with its mouth-watering goodness. Which last is an eventuality not to be trifled with; I heard of one consumer who consumed a product so mouth-watering that his taste buds got over-mouth-watered and grew to the size of chrysanthemums, which he was stifled with. This is the only exception I can give To the paradoxical rule that the more insipid and unappetizing our diet, the longer we seem to live.