Ogden Nash - The Boy Who Laughed At Santa Claus lyrics

In Baltimore there lived a boy He wasn't anybody's joy Although his name was Jabez Dawes His character was full of flaws In school he never led his cla**es He hid old ladies' reading gla**es His mouth was open when he chewed And elbows to the table glued He stole the milk of hungry kittens And walked through doors marked 'NO ADMITTANCE' He said he acted thus because There wasn't any Santa Claus Another trick that tickled Jabez Was crying 'Boo' at little babies He brushed his teeth, they said in town Sideways instead of up and down Yet people pardoned every sin And viewed his antics with a grin Till they were told by Jabez Dawes 'There isn't any Santa Claus!' Deploring how he did behave His parents swiftly sought their grave They hurried through the portals pearly And Jabez left the funeral early Like whooping cough, from child to child He sped to spread the rumor wild 'Sure as my name is Jabez Dawes There isn't any Santa Claus!' Slunk like a weasel of a marten Through nursery and kindergarten Whispering low to every tot 'There isn't any, no there's not!' The children wept all Christmas eve And Jabez chortled up his sleeve No infant dared hang up his stocking For fear of Jabez' ribald mocking He sprawled on his untidy bed Fresh malice dancing in his head When presently with scalp-a-tingling Jabez heard a distant jingling He heard the crunch of sleigh and hoof Crisply alighting on the roof What good to rise and bar the door? A shower of soot was on the floor What was beheld by Jabez Dawes? The fireplace full of Santa Claus! Then Jabez fell upon his knees With cries of 'Don't,' and 'Pretty Please.' He howled, 'I don't know where you read it But anyhow, I never said it!' 'Jabez' replied the angry saint 'It isn't I, it's you that ain't Although there is a Santa Claus There isn't any Jabez Dawes!' Said Jabez then with impudent vim 'Oh, yes there is, and I am him! Your magic don't scare me, it doesn't' And suddenly he found he wasn't! From grimy feet to grimy locks Jabez became a Jack-in-the-box And ugly toy with springs unsprung Forever sticking out his tongue The neighbors heard his mournful squeal They searched for him, but not with zeal No trace was found of Jabez Dawes Which led to thunderous applause And people drank a loving cup And went and hung their stockings up All you who sneer at Santa Claus Beware the fate of Jabez Dawes The saucy boy who mocked the saint Donner and Blitzen licked off his paint