Noël Coward - Could You Please Oblige Us With A Bren Gun? lyrics

Colonel Montmorency who was in Calcutta in ninety-two Emerged from his retirement for the War He wasn't very pleased with all he heard and all he saw But whatever he felt, he tightened his belt and organised a Corps Poor Colonel Montmorency thought considering all the wars he'd faught The Home Guard was his job to do or die But after days and weeks and years, bravely drying his many tears He wrote the following letter to the Minister of Supply Could you please oblige us with a Bren gun? Or failing that, a hand grenade will do We've got some ammunition, in a rather damp condition And Major Huss has a arquebus that was used at Waterloo With the Vicar's stirrup pump, a pitchfork and a stave It's rather hard to guard an aerodrome So if you can't oblige us with a Bren gun The Home Guard might as well go home Could you please oblige us with a Bren gun? We're getting awfully tired of drawing lots Today we had a shipment of some curious equipment And just for a prank, they sent us a tank that ties itself in knots On Sunday's mock invasion, Captain Clark was heard to say He hadn't even got a brush and comb So if you can't oblige us with a Bren gun The Home Guard might as well go home Colonel Montmorency planned, in case the enemy tried to land To drive them back with sk** and armoured force He realised his army should be mechanised, of course But somewhere inside, experience cried "My Kingdom for a horse" Poor Colonel Montmorency tried, at infinite cost to time and pride To tackle his superiors again Having just one motorbike, fourteen swords and a marlin spike He wrote the following letter in the following urgent strain Could you please oblige us with a Bren gun? We need it very badly, I'm afraid Our local crossword solver has an excellent revolver But during a short attack on a fort, the trigger got mislaid In course of operations planned for Friday afternoon Our orders are to storm the Hippodrome So if you can't oblige us with a Bren gun The Home Guard might as well go home Could you please oblige us with a Bren gun? The lack of one is wounding to our pride Last night we found the cutest, little German parachutist He looked at our kit and giggled a bit, and laughed until he cried We'll have to hide that armoured car when marching to Berlin We'd almost be ashamed of it in Rome So if you can't oblige us with a Bren gun The Home Guard might as well go home