Monty Python - Cheese Shop lyrics

Good Morning Morning, sir Welcome to the National Cheese Emporium Ah, thank you, my good man What can I do for you, sir? Well, I was sitting in the public library On Thurmon Street just now Skimming through Rogue Herry's by Hugh Walpole And I suddenly came over all peckish Peckish, sir? Esuriant Eh 'Ee, ah wor 'ungry-loike Ah, hungry In a nutshell, and I thought To myself, A little fermented curd will do the trick So I curtailed my Walloping activities Sallied forth and infiltrated your place Of purveyance to negotiate the vending Of some cheesy comestibles Come again I want to buy some cheese Oh, I thought you were complaining About the bouzouki player Oh, heaven forbid, I am one who delights In all manifestations of the Terpsichorean muse Sorry? 'Ooh, ah like a nice tune, 'yer forced too So he can go on playing, can he Most certainly, now then Some cheese please, my good man Certainly, sir, what would you like? Well, eh, how about a little red Leicester? I'm afraid we're fresh out of red Leicester, sir Oh, never mind, how are you on Tilsit? I'm afraid we never have that at the end of the week Sir, we get it fresh on Monday Tish tish, no matter, well stout yeoman Four ounces of Caerphilly, if you please Ah, it's been on order, sir, for two weeks Was expecting it this morning T's not my lucky day, is it, aah, Bel Paese? Sorry, sir Red Windsor? Normally, sir, yes, today the van broke down Ah, Stilton? Sorry Ementhal, Gruyere? No Any Norwegian Jarlsberg, per chance? No Lepta? No Lancaster? No White Stilton? No Danish Brew? No Double Gloucester? No Cheshire? No Dorset Bluveny? No Brie, Roquefort, Pol le Veq Port Salut, Savoy Aire Saint Paulin, Carrier de lest Bres Bleu, Bruson? No Camembert, perhaps? Ah, we have Camembert, yes, sir You do, excellent Yes, sir, it's, ah, it's a bit runny Oh, I like it runny Well, it's very runny, actually, sir No matter, fetch hither The fromage de la Belle France, mwah I think it's a bit runnier Than you'll like it, sir I don't care how f**ing runny it is Hand it over with all speed Oh! What now? The cat's eaten it Has he? She, sir Gouda? No Edam? No Case Ness? No Smoked Austrian? No Japanese Sage Darby? No, sir You do have some cheese, do you? Of course, sir, it's a cheese shop, sir, we've got No, no, don't tell me, I'm keen to guess Fair enough Uh, Wensleydale? Yes Ah, well, I'll have some of that Oh, I thought you were talking to me, sir Mister Wensleydale, that's my name Greek Feta? Uh, not as such Uh, Gorgonzola? No Parmesan? No Mozzarella? No Paper Cramer? No Danish Bimbo? No Czech sheep's milk? No Venezuelan Beaver Cheese? Not today, sir, no Aah, how about Cheddar? Well, we don't get much call for it around here, sir Not much call, it's the single most Popular cheese in the world Not 'round here, sir And what is the most Popular cheese 'round here? Illchester, sir Is it? Oh, yes, it's staggeringly Popular in this man*squire Is it? It's our number one best seller, sir I see, uh, Illchester, eh Right, sir? All right, okay, have you got any? He asked expecting the answer 'No' I'll have a look, sir, um, no It's not much of a cheese shop, is it? Finest in the district Explain the logic underlying that conclusion, please Well, it's so clean, sir It's certainly uncontaminated by cheese You haven't asked me about Limburger, sir Is it worth it? Could be Have you, shut that bloody bouzouki up Told you sir Have you got any Limburger? No Figures, predictable, really I suppose It was an act of purest optimism To have posed the question in the first place Tell me? Yes, sir Have you, in fact, got any cheese here at all? Yes, sir Really? No, not really, sir You haven't? No, sir, not a scrap I was deliberately Wasting your time, sir Well, I'm sorry, but I'm going To have to shoot you Right-o, sir What a senseless waste of human life