Monty Python - Blackmail lyrics

Presenter Hello, good evening, and welcome to 'Blackmail'! And to start tonight's programme, we go to Preston in Lancashire, and Mrs Betty Teal! Cut to a slightly blurred black and white photo of a Housewife with her face blotted out by a black oblong Presenter Hello, Mrs Teal! Cut back to presenter. He picks up a letter and reads It Presenter Now this is for ?15 and it's to stop us Revealing the name of your lover in Bolton SUPERIMPOSED CAPTION: '?15' (which flashes on and off Quickly) Presenter So Mrs Teal...if you send us ?15 by return Post, please, and your husband Trevor, and your lovely Children, Diane, Janice and Juliet need never know the Name of your lover in Bolton Cut to a nude man (except for a collar and a tie) at Organ. He plays a few stirring chords. Cut back to Presenter Presenter (as he speaks he holds up the various items) And now...a letter...a hotel registration book...and a Series of photographs...which could add up to divorce Premature retirement, and possible criminal proceedings For a company director in Bromsgrove. He's a freemason And prospective Tory MP.. that's Mr S. of Bromsgrove... ?3,000... SUPERIMPOSED CAPTION: '?3000' (which flashes on and Off) Presenter ...to stop us from revealing your name, the Name of the three other people involved, the youth Organization to which they belong, and the shop where You bought the equipment Cut back to nude man at organ with chords again. Cut to Still of two pairs of naked feet and lower legs. Organ Music over this. Cut back to presenter Presenter We'll be showing you more of that photograph Later in the programme...unless we hear from Charles or Michael. And now it's time for our 'Stop the Film' Spot! Superimposed flashing caption: 'stop the film' Presenter The rules are very simple. We have taken a Film which contains compromising scenes and unpleasant Details, which could wreck a man's career. But, the Victim may phone me at any point and stop the film. But Remember the money increases as the film goes on. So The longer you leave it...the more you have to pay! So Now, with the clock at ?300 this week 'Stop the Film' Visited Thames Ditton... The following film is shot in murky 8mm. As the film Progresses we have a ? sign with numerals in one corner Which increase. Shot of a residental street in Thames Ditton (sic). Another section of a street with a figure In a Robin Hood hat and raincoat - in the distance on The far side of the road, so we can't really make him Out. Cut to slightly closer shot of him about to cross The road. Cut to suburban house. The man is standing at The door pressing the bell and looking round rather Furtively. Again shot from some distance and over a Hedge. Cut back to studio. The presenter looking at a Monitor and then at a phone. Back to the film: a woman Opens the door. She wears a dressing gown over Lingerie. A shaky zoom in to reveal her clothing. Wide Shot of the house with door shut. Jump cut to shot Obviously taken from a window in the house. Shaky zoom In on window. We can see in the window...both the man And woman enter the bedroom. He goes out of shot Taking his coat off. Cut back to studio Presenter He's being very brave here... Cut back to the film: even closer perhaps of window. A Series of short jump cuts. She is undressing. She Throws off her dressing gown. A jump and she's taking Off her negligee. Underneath she wears black corsets She produces a whip and seems to be beckoning to the Man. Phone rings. Cut back to the studio. The presenter Picks up the phone Presenter Hello, sir, hello, yes. No sir, no, I'm sure You didn't. No, it's all right, sir, we don't morally Censure, we just want the money...Yes, and here's the Address to send it to: Voice Over (and CAPTION:)