Monty Python - Argument lyrics

I'd like to have an argument, please Certainly, sir. Have you been here before? No, this is my first time I see. Well, were you thinking of taking a five minute argument or a course? Well, what's the cost? It's 1 for a five minute argument, but it's 8 for a course of ten I think I'll take the five minutes and see how it progresses Very well. Now, Mr. Hayward isn't free at the moment, nor is Mr. Baker Here we go, Mr. Maynard, Room 12 Thank you WHAT DO YOU WANT?! Well, I was told outside-- DON'T GIVE ME THAT, YOU SNOTTY-FACED HEAP OF PARROT DROPPINGS! What?! SHUT YOUR FESTERING GOB, YOU TIT! YOUR TYPE REALLY MAKES ME PUKE, YOU PERVERT! What are you doing?! I came in here for an argument! Oh! I'm sorry, but this is abuse Oh, that explains it Yes, you want Room 12A. Next door Thank you Not at all. (Door shuts) Stupid git Is the right room for an argument? I've told you once No, you didn't Yes, I did When? Just now No, you didn't Yes, I did No, you didn't Excuse me. Is the five minute argument or the half hour? Oh, just the five minute Thank you. Anyway, I did tell you No, you most certainly did not Let's get one thing straight: I most definitely told you No, you didn't Yes, I did No, you didn't Yes, I did No, you didn't Yes, I did This isn't an argument! Yes, it is No, it isn't. It's just contradiction No, it isn't Yes, it is. You just contradicted me No, I didn't Yes, you did No, no, no You did just then That's ludicrous Oh, this is futile No, it isn't I came in here for a good argument No, you didn't. You came in here for an argument Well, argument isn't the same as contradiction Can be No, it can't An argument is a collective series of statements intended to establish a proposition No, it isn't Yes, it is. It isn't just contradiction Look, if I argue with you. I must take a contrary position But it isn't just saying No, it isn't Yes, it is No, it isn't. Argument's an intellectual protest Contradiction just the automatic opposite of any statement the other person makes No, it isn't Yes, it is Not at all Now, look-- (Bell dings) Good morning What? That's it. Good morning I was just getting interested I'm sorry, the five minutes is up That was not five minutes I'm afraid it was Oh, no, it wasn't. (Argument professional looks around the room) I'm sorry, but I'm not allowed to argue anymore What? If you want to go on arguing you'll have to pay for another five minutes But that was not five minutes, just now. (Professional whistles) Oh, come on If you want to continue arguing, you must pay for another five minutes Oh, fine. Here Thank you Well? Well what? That was not five minutes, just then I told you, you have to pay I just paid No, you didn't Yes, I did No, you didn't I don't want to argue about that Well, you didn't pay Ah, but if I didn't pay, why are you arguing? Aha! Got you No, you haven't Yes, I have. If you're arguing, I must have paid Not necessarily. I could be arguing in my spare time Oh, I've had enough of this No, you haven't Oh, shut up!