Marc Kudisch - The Speed Test lyrics

[Trevor Graydon III, spoken] Take a letter To a Mr. John Hudson, Hudson's Floor Wax You will find an invoice in the file for the address "Dear Mr. Hudson", colon (sung) My eyes are fully open to my awful situation So I'm writing you a letter to demand an explanation When the floor wax that we bought from you Arrived here Monday morning We discovered upon usage that The fumes should have a warning Since the only possibility Is that your wax is rancid I request a full refund of all The money we advanced And unless you can convince me You've improved the floor wax batter We will take our business elsewhere So, I hope you solve this matter (spoken) How's my speed, Miss Dillmount? [Millie, spoken] A little slow, perhaps [Graydon, sung faster] Ah Enclosed you'll find a small container Of the stuff I talk about Just carefully remove the lid And take a whiff if you've a doubt I'm sure you wouldn't want me To alert the daily papers With the news of how our office Was affected by your vapours Which is why I choose to write to you A confidential letter Full of strong recommendation That you make your floor wax better I just hope it won't require us To have our floor relaid and If it does you may expect a bill Sincerely, Trevor Graydon (spoken) Now, read that back to me please [Millie, spoken] Certainly. "Dear Mr. Hudson," colon (sung) My eyes are fully open to my awful situation So I'm writing you a letter to demand an explanation When the floor wax that we bought from you Arrived here Monday morning We discovered upon usage that the fumes Should have a warning Since the only possibility is that the wax is rancid I request a full refund of all the money we advanced [Graydon, spoken] Nice! [Millie] And unless you can convince me You've improved the floor wax batter We will take our business elsewhere So I hope you solve this matter [Graydon] Not half bad. Continue, please [Millie, faster] Enclosed you'll find a small container Of the stuff I talk about Just carefully remove the lid And take a whiff if you've a doubt I'm sure you wouldn't want me To alert the daily papers With the news of how our office Was affected by your vapours Which is why I choose to write to you A confidential letter Full of strong recommendation That you make your floor wax better I just hope it won't require us To have our floor relaid and If it does you may expect a bill Sincerely, Trevor Graydon [Graydon] Miss Dillmount, may I speak frankly? [Millie, spoken] Yes? [Graydon, sung] If I could be so lucky As to have a good stenographer To keep this place as up-to-date As her short skirt and bobbed coiffure I wouldn't have to worry 'bout Our soured office planking And could concentrate on generating Profits ripe for banking That is why I'm testing you With this outrageous correspondence Which I don't intend to actually mail To the respondents So if you can make sense of my unintelligible patter Then the job is yours and Hudson's Floor Wax doesn't matter [Millie] Hudson's Floor Wax doesn't matter? Matter, matter, matter, matter Hudson's Floor Wax doesn't matter? Matter, matter, matter, matter [Graydon, in canon] Hudson's Floor Wax doesn't matter! Matter, matter, matter, matter Hudson's Floor Wax doesn't matter! [Office Women, in canon] Hudson's Floor Wax doesn't matter! Matter, matter, matter, matter [Graydon, spoken] Now, I want that letter on my desk in two minutes flat Man your machine! Go! (tap dance break) Time! "Dear Mr. Hudson," [Millie and Office Women] Colon [Graydon] My eyes are fully open to my awful situation So I'm writing you a letter to demand an explanation When the floor wax that we bought from you Arrived here Monday morning We discovered upon usage that the fume Should have a warning Since the only possibility is that the wax is rancid I request a full refund of all the money we advanced And unless you can convince me You've improved the floor wax batter We will take our business elsewhere So I hope you solve this matter [Millie and Office Women, sung] So I hope you solve this matter So I hope you solve this matter So I hope you solve this matter Matter, matter, matter, matter [Graydon] Going on Enclosed you'll find a small container Of the stuff I talk about Just carefully remove the lid And take a whiff if you've a doubt I'm sure you wouldn't want me To alert the daily papers With the news of how our office Was affected by your vapours Which is why I choose to write to you A confidential letter Full of strong recommendation That you make your floor wax better I just hope it won't require us To have our floor relaid and If it does you may expect a bill Sincerely, Trevor Graydon You have made the team Miss Dillmount! [Office Workers] You have made the team Miss Dillmount! [Millie] Tell me where my desk is When we eat lunch How much I'll be paid, and Nice to meet you, I know we'll be friends Just call me Millie Graydon [Graydon and Staff] Millie Graydon? [Millie] I mean Dillmount! [Graydon and Staff] Millie Dillmount? [Millie] Someday Graydon! [Graydon and Staff] Graydon? Dillmount? Dillmount? Graydon? Graydon? Dillmount? [Millie] Graydon! [All] Ahh!