Jandek - Worthless Recluse lyrics

Worthless recluse Bang, pow, steel, muscle, k What worse, I'm alone Grown the bane of not being interested in the plate they pa**ed to you All the pleasure spots in the city And if I walk in, my person screams I'm obviously out of place My shoes don't kick one over the other So much as they used to I'm here, God knows it But where are you The object of my satisfaction? But this solitude doesn't agree with anyone What's my name? Go, and be alone, and stop crying Well it's not any fun And I look at myself being busy And I know I'm putting something off What is it? I remember being alive In the cold northern cities I didn't need to think if I were interested Eight-thirty wasn't too late And I look at my lonely bed Where once in my life I shared it regular Oooooh, the years, and the time These memories that keep me going From one activity to another Well I don't know which is the real life What I do actively Or when my thoughts are lost in time My new house, in elegant comfort, is one thing But being huddled in red, blue, and orange Cracks in the walls, wind whistling I'll not ever forget And your face behind the flowers Somehow branded to my half-life Which may take over yet Consciously I play the game of making money Back in my brain, is the cold northern cities And the cold that makes me jump up and down I just can't seem to k** this pain today I can't afford to do me in And it makes me wonder whoever is happy in this world I can't see them, are they there? The supermarkets are always jam packed, the acceptable way I got a big frame, born with it, sure do need a side of beef 42 heads of lettuce, 888 potatoes And all the apple pies my Mack truck can drive away with Cure all, better than a bandage Better than the blue Better even than TV Oh oh, here comes the pain Break out a barrel of cheese Yep, we got ours Ooh, coming on years since I met you Half the time I saw you Half the time one of your eyes looked past my shoulder What was there? Was it better than my eyes? When you let me see you Nothing looked better Even, unfortunate or not, me Maybe that's why now, I view myself in the dream And finding myself, and it hurts And the dream is more fun Anything beats the pain of being me and knowing I'm alone And putting off doing something, whatever it is I guess, something, like Living in northern city doorways Heading north, to the woods, to clean earth (?) Back where the police invite you to The back seat of their car, check you out Why can't I shave and do my part to build man's home? Where do you live, man? Do you really live here? Why does my dream keep forgetting that? Power, let's build power I guess it spreads the English language Communication, no more tribes with shrunken heads It's inevitable, it's my playground But I have to be serious Step into the car, mister. What are you? I'm a little boy, I don't wanna be big I'll act out my part, and lean on my half-life In times of trouble, or when it's just there What else can I do? Except be a man, and visit ice castle And live on rocks even if it is cement And anything's better than all this dirt and gra** So far from the woods, give me cement and wall to wall people Let me know where I am Or show me the way to the woods Wearing deerskin shoes, and carrying a club Or walking naked on top the snow, light as the air Black leather head to toe With some place to go. I wanna be where no time is the wrong time Where everything falls in place Like fiber-optics, ultrasonic waves, and control systems Control is the name of the game Lord God, let me get it down When I get it to a fine T, it's gone Let it build to perfection, and stay Oh well, take off Target eternal light, all systems go. Satisfaction Maybe then this worthless recluse can carry a torch Look, I'm a human But I'm something supernatural The dream gives light Listen all you dead and dying Don't be afraid If it hurts, let it die The Easter lily blooms Its smell surrounds the table An unforgettable presence, an ominous sight The purple foil covers the vase pot Casting reflections through the diffused light Such beauty and awesome fragrance Who ever thought they could remove this sanctuary I don't like fighting, especially when I'm fighting me I'm staying up late and I don't really know why I hope I can live till tomorrow and the next day without eating I'm fed up with eating for a while I know it, it's only weakness That binds me at the supermarket counter Trading green paper for something to do Blessed are the sociable, that say stupid things And get close to their neighbors It takes a worthless recluse to shrink from groups It takes a half-hearted chicken recluse To live among people The best of them disappear And that's what it's all about That's why I can't make it I'm not strong enough to disappear It takes a supernatural being to disappear I'm not that good This human thing in me wants me to be a hero I want people to think I'm great I want people giving me so much money That I have an airplane, a boat and car and house that's everywhere And the network to support all this So where is it? Stuck in the dream, because I don't have the courage to disappear I know it's the only way to salvation, but The old nag human me still wants to play with money, people and things To make a name in the world Disappearing to God's eye And away from the eye of the world Is the big step Weaklings like me have to hang around, and play, and fudge, and delay For fear of the big step I'm just lucky I even know about it The only reason I do know Is I begged god to tell me about it On my knees, screaming with pain On the sixth floor, in New York City So I'm telling you about it Everyone doesn't have to live in northern doorways To take the big step Or go to the woods, or ice We all have our way to go, but everyone knows Now that I'm telling you That there is something to do A big step to take Into the eye of God Play human if you have to But at least know And don't kid yourself Behind that big piece of delicious poison All you dead and dying Disappear to your own eye So that you don't see yourself Live the half-life Step inside the dream