Jack Dolgen - Where's the Bathroom? lyrics

[Mrs. Bunch, played by Tovah Feldshuh] Where's The Bathroom Where's the bathroom I need to use the bathroom Tell me that you have a bathroom In this hovel you call home I don't know which was bumpier The plane ride or the taxi All these freeways are a nightmare Where's my purse? I need my comb! By the way, you're looking healthy And by “healthy" I mean “chunky” I don't mean that as an insult I'm just stating it as fact I see your eczema is back Are you using the lotion that I sent you? If you're not gonna use it I'll return it to the store God, I give you everything And still you just want more-more-more-more-more Where's the bathroom? Where's the bathroom? You haven't told me where your bathroom is! [Rebecca Bunch, played by Rachel Bloom, spoken] It's upstairs! [Mrs. Bunch] OK, fine, I need the walk Well, your house is dot-dot-dot charming Though some florals wouldn't k** you Do you ever get a maid here? It's so nice to sit and talk Since when do you have a vendetta against vases? When did you stop wearing makeup? Are you sure that you're not gay? I'd still love you if you were gay It would explain this vase vendetta Please just tell me if you're gay! [Rebecca spoken] Again, I am not gay! [Mrs. Bunch] Don't interrupt me! You're always with the taa-alking! I just got off a plane Give me a moment to catch my breath It's the least you can do since you Lived inside me for nine months And you still haven't told me Where The hell Your stupid bathroom is [Rebecca spoken] Again, it's upstairs! [Mrs. Bunch] Oh, right! Thank you You call that a bathroom? That's what pa**es for a bathroom? There were no bowls of rocks Or any decorative soaps You don't even have a bathmat Who doesn't have a bathmat? If you need a bathmat I can – oh, did you hear? A bishop in Wisconsin said something anti-Semitic So the temple has decided to boycott cheddar cheese Everyone asks how you're doing "How is widdle Becky? Is she still a bigshot lawyer?” And to that I just say “Please!” You won't get a husband this way At least you have your career Oh wait, you threw out your career To chase this California dream I wasted all that dough on Harvard and Yale For you to be living in a dump In Nowhere, USA Getting fatter by the minute On this greasy, goyish food Just put my luggage in my room Could I get a gla** of water? I'll be back in a moment I need to use the bathroom Again!