Friends - The One With the Breast Milk Script lyrics

MONICA: Okay, these were unbelievably expensive, and I know he's gonna grow out of them in like, 20 minutes, but I couldn't resist. (Monica pulls out a pair of shoes) PHOEBE: Oh, look at these! Hey, Ben. (Phoebe playfully shows Ben the shoes) "Just do it." (Ben starts crying) Oh my God, oh, okay, was that too much pressure for him? CHANDLER: You know, it's...something funny about sneakers. I'll be right back. JOEY: I gotta get one, too. ROSS: What are you guys doing? CHANDLER: We're just hanging out by the spoons. Ladle? ROSS: Look, would you guys grow up? That is the most natural beautiful thing in the world. JOEY: Yeah, we know, but there's a baby s**ing on it. ROSS: This is my son having lunch, okay? It's gonna happen a lot, so you'd better get used to it. Now if you have any problem with it, if you're uncomfortable, just ask questions. Carol's fine with it, now come on. CHANDLER: Carol, Carol? I was just wondering if Joey could ask you a question about breast-feeding? CAROL: Sure. JOEY: Uh, does it hurt? CAROL: It did at first, but not anymore. JOEY: Chandler? CHANDLER: So, uh, how often can you do it? CAROL: As much as he needs. JOEY: Okay, I got one, I got one. If he blows into one, does the other one get bigger? OPENING CREDITS JULIE: Rachel, do you have any muffins left? RACHEL: Yeah, I forget which ones. JULIE: Oh, you're busy, that's okay, I'll get it. Anybody else want one? Oh, you're losing your apron here, let me get it. There you go. RACHEL: Thank you. What a b**h. JULIE: Oh, listen you guys. I have this friend at Bloomingdales who's quitting tomorrow and he wants to abuse his discount. So, anyone want to come with me and take advantage of it? PHOEBE: I can't, I have to take my grandmother to the vet. MONICA: Okay, um, I'll go with you. JULIE: Great. ROSS: Hi, honey. CHANDLER: Hey, sweetums. ROSS: Hello to the rest. JOEY: Monica what're you doing? You can't go shopping with her? What about Rachel? MONICA: It's gonna be a problem, isn't it? CHANDLER: Come on, you're going to Bloomingdales with Julie? That's like cheating on Rachel in her house of worship. MONICA: But I'm-- PHOEBE: Monica, she will k** you. She will k** you like a dog in the street. ROSS: So, uh, Jules tells me you guys are going shopping tomorrow? MONICA: Yeah, uh, it's actually not that big a deal. ROSS: It's a big deal to me. This is great, Monica. I really appreciate this. MONICA: You're welcome. PHOEBE: Woof, woof. JOEY: Bijan for men? Hey Annabelle. ANNABELLE: Hey, Joey. So did you hear about the new guy? JOEY: Who? ANNABELLE: Nobody knows his name. Me and the girls just call him the Hombre man. JOEY: What's he doin' in my section? ANNABELLE: I guess he doesn't know. JOEY: Well, he's gonna. I'll see you a little later, okay? Hey, how ya doing? TODD: Morning. JOEY: Listen, I know you're new, but it's kinda understood that everything from Young Men's to the escalator is my territory. TODD: Your territory, huh? JOEY: Yeah. Bijan for men? GUY: No thanks. TODD: Hombre? GUY: Yeah. All right. TODD: You were saying? MONICA: Phoebe, listen. You were with me, and we were shopping all day. PHOEBE: What? MONICA: We were shopping, and we had lunch. PHOEBE: Oh, all right. What did I have? MONICA: You had a salad. PHOEBE: Oh, no wonder I don't feel full. RACHEL: Hey, guys, what's up. PHOEBE: I went shopping with Monica all day, and I had a salad. RACHEL: Good, Pheebs. What'd you buy? PHOEBE: Um, we went shopping for um, for, fur. RACHEL: You went shopping for fur? PHOEBE: Yes, and then I realized I'm against that, and uh, so then we bought some, uh, b**bs. RACHEL: You bought b**bs? PHOEBE: Bras! We bought bras! We bought bras. JOEY: Bijan for men? Hey, Annabelle, Uh, listen, I was wondering if maybe after work we could go maybe grab a cup of coffee. ANNABELLE: Oh, actually I sorta have plans. TODD: Ready, Annabelle? ANNABELLE: You bet. Maybe some other time? JOEY: Hey, it's not the first time I lost a girl to a cowboy spraying cologne. Bijan for men? CAROL: Okay, and this is Funny Clown. Funny Clown is only for after his naps, not before his naps or he won't sleep. ROSS: Carol, we've been through this before, okay? We have a good time. We laugh, we play. It's like we're father and son. SUSAN: Honey, relax. Ross is great with him. Don't look so surprised. I'm a lovely person. RACHEL: Oh, this is so cute. SUSAN: Oh, I got that for him. ROSS: My mommies love me. That's clever. MONICA: Hello? Oh, Hi, Ju-- Hi, Jew! Uh huh? Uh huh? Okay. Um, sure, that'd be great. See ya then. Bye. RACHEL: Did you just say Hi, Jew? MONICA: Yes. Uh, yes, I did. That was my friend, Eddie Moskowitz. Yeah, he likes it. Reaffirms his faith. PHOEBE: Ben, dinner! ROSS: Thanks Aunt Pheebs. Hey, you didn't microwave that, did you, because it's breast milk, and you're not supposed to do that. PHOEBE: Duh, I think I know how to heat breast milk. Okay. CHANDLER: What did you just do? PHOEBE: I licked my arm, what? ROSS: It's breast milk. PHOEBE: So? RACHEL: Phoebe, that is juice, squeezed from a person. JOEY: What is the big deal? CHANDLER: What did you just do? ROSS: Okay, would people stop drinking the breast milk? PHOEBE: You won't even taste it? ROSS: No! PHOEBE: Not even if you just pretend that it's milk? ROSS: Not even if Carol's breast had a picture of a missing child on it. MONICA: Hey, where is everybody? RACHEL: They took Ben to the park. Where have you been? MONICA: Just out. Had some lunch, just me, little quality time with me. Thanks for your jacket. RACHEL: Oh, no problem. You can borrow it, by the way. Here are your keys, hon. Mon, if uh you were at lunch alone, how come it cost you uh 53 dollars? MONICA: You know what probably happened? Someone must've stolen my credit card. RACHEL: And sorta just put the receipt back in your pocket MONICA: That is an excellent excellent question. That is excellent. RACHEL: Monica, what is with you? Who'd you have lunch with? MONICA: Judy. RACHEL: Who? MONICA: Julie. RACHEL: What? MONICA: Jody. RACHEL: You were with Julie? MONICA: Look, when it started I was just trying to be nice to her because she was my brother's girlfriend. And then, one thing led to another and, before I knew it, we were...shopping. RACHEL: Oh. Oh my god. MONICA: Honey, wait. We only did it once. It didn't mean anything to me. RACHEL: Yeah, right. MONICA: Really, Rachel, I was thinking of you the whole time. Look, I'm sorry, all right. I never meant for you to find out. RACHEL: Oh, please, you wanted to get caught. MONICA: That is not true! RACHEL: Oh, so you just sort of happened to leave it in here? MONICA: Did it ever occur to you that I might just be that stupid? RACHEL: Okay, Monica. I just have to know one thing. Did you go with her to Bloomingdales? Oh! Okay, okay, okay, I just really, uh, I just really need to not be with you right now. MONICA: Hi, who's this? Hi, Joanne. Is Rachel working? It's Monica. Yes, I know I did a horrible thing. Joanna, it's not as simple as all that, okay? No, I don't care what Steve thinks. Hi, Steve. CAROL: How did we do? PHOEBE: Oh, I tasted Ben's milk, and Ross freaked out. ROSS: I did not freak out. CAROL: Why'd you freak out? ROSS: Because it's breast milk. It's gross. CAROL: My breast milk is gross? SUSAN: This should be fun. ROSS: No, no, Carol. There's nothing wrong with it. I just don't think breast milk is for adults. CHANDLER: Of course the packaging does appeal to grown-ups and kids alike. CAROL: Ross, you're being silly. I've tried it, it's no big deal. Just taste it. ROSS: That would be no. PHOEBE: Come on. It doesn't taste bad. JOEY: Yeah, it's kinda sweet, sorta like, uh-- SUSAN: Cantaloupe juice. JOEY: Exactly. ROSS: You've tasted it? You've tasted it. SUSAN: Uh huh. ROSS: Oh, you've tasted it. SUSAN: You can keep saying it, but it won't stop being true. ROSS: Gimme the bottle. Gimme the towel. CHANDLER: Howdy. JOEY: Gimme a box a juice. Well, they switched me over to Hombre. CHANDLER: Well, maybe it's because of the way you're dressed. JOEY: Or maybe it's because this guy's doing so good they wanna put more people on it. You should see this guy, Chandler, he goes through two bottles a day. CHANDLER: What do you care? You're an actor. This is your day job. This isn't supposed to mean anything to you. JOEY: I know, but, I was the best, you know? I liked being the best. I don't know. Maybe I should just get outta the game. They need guys up in housewares to serve cheese. CHANDLER: All right, say you do that. You know sooner or later somebody's gonna come along that slices a better cheddar. And then where're you gonna run? JOEY: Yeah I guess you're right. CHANDLER: You're damn right I'm right. I say you show this guy what you're made of. I say you stand your ground. I say you show him that you are the baddest hombre west of the lingerie. JOEY: I'm gonna do it. CHANDLER: All right. Now go see Miss Kitty and she'll fix you up with a nice hooker. MONICA: I don't know what else to say. RACHEL: Well that works out good, because I'm not listening. MONICA: I feel terrible, I really do. RACHEL: Oh, I'm sorry, did my back hurt your knife? MONICA: Rachel, say that I'm friends with her, we spend some time together. Is that so terrible? RACHEL: Yes. MONICA: It's that terrible? RACHEL: Yes. Monica, you don't get it. It's bad enough that she's stolen the guy who might actually be the person that I am supposed to be with, but now, she's actually, but now she's actually stealing you. MONICA: Me? What are you talking about? Nobody could steal me from you. I mean, just because I'm friends with her doesn't make me any less friends with you. I mean, you're my...We're, we're...Oh, I love you. RACHEL: I love you too. PHOEBE: You guys, um I know that this really doesn't have anything to do with me, but um I love you guys too. Oh, I really needed that. MONICA: Look, I know that you're in a place right now where you really need to hate Julie's guts, but she didn't do anything wrong. I mean, she was just a girl who met a guy, and now they go out. I really think that if you gave her a chance, you'd like her. Would you just give that a chance, for me? RACHEL: I'd do anything for you, you know that. MONICA: I'd do anything for you. PHOEBE: Wait, wait, wait, wait! JOEY: Morning. (No response from Todd) I said, morning. TODD: I heard ya. STORE GUY: All right, everybody, I'm opening the doors. You boys ready? TODD: Ready. JOEY: Yeah, I'm ready. (Store Guy opens the door, Customer arrives, Joey can't get his bottle to spray, Todd accidentally sprays Customer in the eye) CUSTOMER: You idiot, you stupid cowboy, you blinded me, I'm suing! STORE GUY: Oh my god, Todd! What the hell did you do? TODD: I'm sorry. I am such a doofus. I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry. ANNABELLE: My god, what happened? JOEY: These new kids, they never last. Sooner or later, they all...stop lasting. Listen, uh, what do you say I buy you that cup of coffee now? ANNABELLE: Sure. JULIE: So. RACHEL: So. I just thought the two of us should hang out for a bit. I mean, you know, we've never really talked. I guess you'd know that, being one of the two of us, though, right? JULIE: I know, I probably shouldn't even tell you this, but I'm pretty much totally intimidated by you. RACHEL: Really? Me? JULIE: Yes. Oh my god, are you kidding? Ross is so crazy about you, and I really wanted you to like me, and, it's probably me being totally paranoid, but I kinda got the feeling that maybe you don't. RACHEL: Well, you're not totally paranoid. JULIE: Oy. RACHEL: Um, okay, uh, oh God, um, when you and uh Ross first started going out, it was really hard for me, um, for many reasons, which I'm not gonna bore you with now, but um, I just, I see how happy he is, you know, and how good you guys are together, and um, Monica's always saying how nice you are, and god I hate it when she's right. JULIE: Thanks. Hey, listen, would you like to go to a movie sometime or something? RACHEL: Yeah, that'd be great. I'd love it. JULIE: I'd love it too. Shoot, I gotta go. So, I'll talk to you later. RACHEL: All right, Julie. What a manipulative b**h. CLOSING CREDITS (Monica & Rachel's apartment: Ross is endlessly staring at a bottle with a plate of Oreos; Chandler and Joey are sitting in boredom; Ross finally drinks some of the milk and stuffs two Oreos in his mouth) ROSS: It's not bad. END