Fred Ebb - Funny Honey lyrics

[BANDLEADER] For her first number, Miss Roxie Hart would like to sing a song of love and devotion dedicated to her dear husband, Amos [ROXIE] Sometimes I'm right Sometimes I'm wrong But he doesn't care He'll string along He loves me so That funny honey of mine Sometimes I'm down Sometimes I'm up But he follows 'round Like some droopy-eyed pup He loves me so That funny honey of mine He ain't no sheik That's no great physique And Lord knows he ain't got the smarts But look at that soul I tell you, that whole Is a whole lot greater Than the sum of his parts And if you knew him like me I know you'd agree What if the world Slandered my name? Why, he'd be right there Taking the blame He loves me so And it all suits me fine That funny, sunny Honey, hubby of mine [AMOS, spoken] I mean, supposin'— just supposin' he had violated her or somethin'— you know what I mean, violated— [POLICEMAN, spoken] I know what you mean [AMOS, spoken] —or somethin'? Think how terrible that would've been! Good thing I got home from work on time, I'm telling you that! I say, I'm telling you that! [ROXIE] He loves me so That funny honey of mine [Spoken: John C. Reilly (Colm Feore)] (Name of deceased: Fred Casely.) Fred Casely? How could he be a burglar? My wife knows him—he sold us our furniture He gave us ten percent off [Bridge 1: Renée Zellweger] Lord knows he ain't got the smarts! [Spoken: John C. Reilly (Colm Feore)] You told me he was a burglar! (You mean he was dead when you got home?) She had him covered in a sheet And she's tellin' me some co*k and bull story about this burglar And how I ought to say I did it cause I was sure to get off "Help me, Amos," she says, "it's my goddamn hour of need." [Bridge 2: Renée Zellweger] Now he shot off his trap I can't stand that sap! [Verse 4: Renée Zellweger (John C. Reilly)] Look at him go (And I believed her.) Rattin' on me (That cheap little tramp!) With just one more brain (So she was two-timin' me, huh?) What a half-wit he'd be (Well, I'm through protecting her now. She can swing for all I care!) [Refrain 3: Renée Zellweger (John C. Reilly)] If they string me up (Boy, I'm down at the garage workin' my bu*t off 14 hours a day) Well, I'll know who brought the twine! (And she's out there munchin' on bon-bons) (And trampin' around like some goddamn floozy!) (Thought she could pull the wool over my eyes, huh?) That scummy, crummy (I wasn't born yesterday! I tell ya, there are some things) Dummy hubby of mine! (A man just can't take. And this time she pushed me too far!) (That little chiseler!) (Boy, what a sap I was!)