Frasier - I Hate Frasier Crane lyrics

[1.4]I Hate Frasier Crane I Hate Frasier Crane Written by Christopher Lloyd Directed by David Lee ===================================================================== Act One. I HATE FRASIER CRANE Scene One - Frasier's Apartment. It's the early evening. Frasier is playing a tune on the piano, Martin is looking through some old police work, and Daphne is busying herself in the kitchen. Frasier turns round to find Eddie staring at him. Frasier: Dad, he's doing it again! Must this dog stare at me all the time? Martin: I don't know. Eddie - must ya? [Eddie carries on staring] Apparently he must. Frasier: [to Eddie:] What is so fascinating about me? What is it? Do you imagine I am a large piece of kibble? Am I some sort of canine enigma? Think about it, get back to me. Daphne enters carrying a tray of food. Daphne: Here we are, gents, dinner's up. [to Martin:] Can I give you a hand clearing up your papers? Martin: No, you better let me. I need to keep these in a particular order. Daphne: What is all this, anyway? Martin: Oh, it's an old case of mine from the police force - the “Weeping Lotus" murder. Frasier: Dad, I can't believe you're still trotting this old thing up. He's been trying to solve this case for twenty years. Martin: Yeah, and I'm not stopping until I do solve it. You adopt certain instincts when you're a cop. And my instinct tells me that this case can be cracked. There just must be one small thing I keep overlooking. [tidies papers] Frasier: There is - who the murderer was. [laughs] The doorbell sounds and Frasier goes to answer it as Daphne and Martin chat. Daphne: It's nice you feel so dedicated. Martin: It's a hobby. Some guys build a boat in their garage, I try to figure out why a maniac would k** a hooker and try to stuff her entire body into a bowling bag. It's relaxing! (At this point Frasier opens the front door to Niles who is carrying a bottle of wine. He enters and hands the wine to Frasier.) Frasier: Hello, Niles. Niles: Sorry I'm late, Frasier. Just as we were leaving, Maris had a run-in with a rude directory a**istance operator and it shattered her calm. Frasier: Have you ever considered that maybe Maris is a bit high strung? Maybe she should see someone. Niles: She's seen everyone, why do you think she was calling directory a**istance? Daphne: Evening, Dr. Crane. Niles: Hello, Daphne. It's so good to see you again. [she puts the meal down] What an enchanting scent you're wearing. Daphne: [smells herself] Must be the ranch dressing. Won't Mrs. Crane be coming? Niles: No, I'm afraid. And please, no more of this “Doctor” and “Mrs. Crane” formality. To you, it's Niles and... [stumped] er... Frasier: Maris. Niles: Yes, Maris. Martin: Glad you could join us, Niles. Niles: Oh, I wouldn't have missed it. Martin: Well, I guess the food's all ready: why don't we just go ahead and start? Everyone sits down except Daphne who begins to take her food into the kitchen. Daphne: Well, enjoy. Martin: Where are you going? Daphne: I thought I'd have mine in the kitchen. Martin: Don't be ridiculous. Niles: Yes, we can't have you eating by yourself in the kitchen. I'll join you. Martin: No. We're all eating right here, like a family, end of discussion. Daphne: Well, isn't this nice? Feels just like home. Niles: I'm famished. Frasier: Me, too. Niles and Frasier begin to eat... Martin: You boys still say a prayer before you eat? (They relent and pretend they do. All four close their eyes and hold their hands together. As Martin begins his prayer, Niles stares at Daphne as Eddie stares at Frasier. Daphne does not notice with her eyes shut. However, Frasier notices Eddie's skin-creeping look.) Martin: We thank you, Lord, for the food we're about to eat. You have blessed our table with your palm. And thank you, Lord, for bringing this family together and we also thank you for the other gifts you have given to us. And may we always be able to share with those less fortunate... Frasier: [to Eddie:] OH, WILL YOU STOP STARING! Niles: [off guard:] I wasn't staring! Martin: [takes what he can get] Amen. They all settle down. Daphne looks at Niles a little suspiciously as he begins the meal conversation. Niles: So Frasier, did you happen to read Derek Mann's column today? You were mentioned. Frasier: No, I missed it. Niles: Just as well, it wasn't flattering. Frasier: I still would have liked to have seen it anyway. Niles: Oh, why didn't you say so? [takes it out of his pocket] Daphne: If I may ask, who's Derek Mann? Martin: He writes that "Mann About Town" column for the Times. The things that guys comes out with, sometimes he's really funny - what did he say about you? Frasier: [reading:] “I hate Frasier Crane.” Martin: [laughs, then:] Oh, sorry. Frasier: That's it. "I hate Frasier Crane." That's it? Martin: Oh, don't let it bother you. Frasier: Well, actually it doesn't, dad. I knew when I chose a career in the public eye that I'd be open to certain criticisms, it's the price I pay for my celebrity. Thank you, Niles, for bringing me the paper, and thank you for highlighting it in yellow! Now, who would like some wine? Daphne: Oh, I'll have some. Frasier goes to pour some as Niles compliments Daphne. Niles: Daphne, this salad is exquisite. Frasier: [sitting down:] Now why would he say that? Martin: Must be the carrots, he always did like them. Frasier: Not the salad, Derek Mann. I mean, why would he write a thing like that? I've never done anything to him, the attack is totally unwarranted. I'm a healer, for God's sake. Martin: Oh, for crying out loud! Frasier: Dad, I have every right to feel upset about this - I will not enjoy my dinner until this is where it belongs - in the trash. (Frasier goes to bin it as Niles tries to stop him.) Niles: Oh, oh, there was an article in there I wanted to save. Martin: On what? Niles: Nothing. Martin: Come on, I'm interested. Niles: Oh, let's drop it. Martin: Why can't you tell me? Niles: All right, it was all about Margaret Thatcher's secret for growing prize-winning zinnias. Are you happy? Martin: [beat] Not really. FADE OUT (Act Card) OH, YEAH... Scene Two - Radio Station. The following afternoon Frasier is taking a call on air in his booth as Roz listens. Frasier: All right, Lorraine. Now, calm down and try and listen to what I'm going to say to you. Will you do that? Lorraine: [v.o:] Okay. Frasier: All right, good girl. Now your problem... Lorraine: [beep] Oh my gosh, another call waiting - someone else is trying to get through. Do you mind if I take it? Frasier: No, no. Go right ahead. [she does] Well, certainly a very interesting situation she's got herself into. Don't you think so, Roz? (Roz is busy eating and reading magazines. She has to quickly chew her food, put down her books just for the simple:) Roz: Yes. Lorraine: Okay, I'm back. Frasier: All right, Lorraine. Now listen very carefully to what I'm going to tell you. Your problem seems... Lorraine: [beep] Oh, I'm sorry, I'll be right back. Frasier: For someone who's got so many problems she certainly is popular. [laughs] Lorraine: Okay, go ahead Dr. Crane. I'm here. [beep] Oh, I don't believe it - another call. Frasier: Hold it there, Lorraine. The reason why you want to take that other call is the same reason that you want to change your career and break up with your boyfriend. You're obsessed with what you think you're missing. The better offer, the call on the other line. Well, you've got to take one call at a time from now on. Fully explore and experience each one in its turn and you'll be a stronger person for it. Do you follow me, Lorraine? Lorraine: Okay, I'm back! Frasier: Thank you for your call. [hangs up] Well, we've only got two minutes left, so I would like to end today's program on a personal note. As some of you may know, yesterday I was mentioned in Derek Mann's "Mann About Town" column. He said, and I quote, "I Hate Frasier Crane"... "I Hate Frasier Crane". [sarcastic:] What trenchant criticism. Move aside Voltaire, step back in the shadows H.L. Mencken, there's a new kid in town. One can only wonder how many hours Derek Mann sat in the glow of his computer screen before his trembling fingers sprang to life and pecked out this chef t'ouerve: "I Hate Frasier Crane." A lesser critic would have wasted our time by presenting a well thought-out, point by point, constructive critique of this show. No, not our Mr. Mann. So dear listeners, when Mr. Mann's column arrives on your front doorstep - read it, enjoy it, but above all, treasure it. For one day this man will be joining the Pantheon of the immortals. And if we're lucky... it'll be one day soon. I'm Dr. Frasier Crane. [signs off] (Frasier presses the off air bu*ton, and twirls his microphone around before blowing on it as if it were his weapon, then “holsters” it in his belt.) FADE TO: (Act Card) YEAH! Scene Three - Café Nervosa. (The following afternoon Frasier is drinking a coffee in the café with Roz when Niles enters and sits with him.) Niles: Frasier, how funny running into you here. Frasier: I'm always here. Niles: Yes well, you weren't here twenty minutes ago: have you seen today's "Times"? Frasier: [knowing what's coming:] No. Niles: Lucky for you I saved you this copy. Take a look at Derek Mann's column. Frasier: You know, this is the second time in as many days that you have given me a paper. Have you ever considered getting yourself a route? Niles: [to Roz:] Hello, I don't believe we've met. Roz: Yes we have, Niles, three or four times. Roz Doyle. Niles: Oh, of course. It was at the... it was during the... well, I'm far too successful to feel awkward. Where did we meet? Roz: The radio station. Niles: Ah, I'll take your word for it. Nice to see you again. [then, to Frasier:] Mr. Mann heard your program yesterday. Frasier: So I see. [reading:] “Yesterday afternoon, Dr. Frasier Crane got on my case for not giving him a point by point criticism of his radio show. Well, he asked for it, so here goes.” Roz: [noticing:] Oh my god, his entire column is about your show. Niles: Not very flattering either. Towards the end he even attacks your "dimwitted sidekick call screener." Roz: [appalled:] That's me! Niles: Oh, now I remember you! Frasier: [reading:] “It's hard to say what I hate most about Crane's show – his pompous, sanctimonious style, his constant self- congratulatory references to his own life, or his voice: a mock- sympathetic tone so sickly sweet one wonders if the man graduated from medical school or from some mind-controlling cult.” Niles: It's continued on twelve. Frasier: I've read enough! Waiter: [asking:] Can I get you something? Frasier: [to Niles:] How can the man think something like that? Waiter: It's my job, I'm a waiter. Frasier: We don't want anything, thank you. Roz: Frasier, I know this stinks, but in a couple of days it'll blow over. Frasier: Oh, perhaps you're right. As angry as it makes me, to retaliate would be to stoop to his level. So the best response is no response at all. FADE TO: Scene Four - Radio Station. (Soon after these comments he is already shouting into his microphone about the recent newspaper report.) Frasier: [angry:] “Pompous and sanctimonious,” am I?! Well, this Mann character can't even write grammatical sentences! Every five words there's one of his precious "dot, dot, dots." Must be because he likes writing all those dots with the crayon he writes this drivel in! (Roz, who looks like she has been listening to him rant for quite a while, tries to steer him back to the show.) Roz: Dr. Crane, on line two we have Stewart who's having a problem with delayed gratification. Frasier: Well, he's just going to have to wait! I don't know who this Derek Mann thinks he is, but if he thinks he can hide behind his newspaper like some sniveling schoolchild cowering behind a tree, then I say let's expose this Derek Mann for what he is: not a man at all, but half a man! [to Roz:] Now what line did you say Stewart was on? Roz: He hung up. Frasier: Well, I'm leaving all sorts of bodies in my wake today. Let's see who's on line five. [he presses bu*ton:] Hello, this is Dr. Frasier Crane - I'm listening. Derek: [v.o:] Good, because I was listening too. Frasier: And you are? Derek: Derek Mann. Frasier: [regretting:] I see. Derek: Look, nobody calls me half a man - especially some Ivy League twit. So what do you say we settle this like men? Frasier: Are you implying that you want to fight me? Derek: I'm not implying, I'm saying. Frasier: Fight, as in a fist fight? Derek: [sarcastic:] No, I thought we might throw pies at each other! So are you up to it, or aren't you man enough? Frasier: [thinks] We'll be right back after these messages. Frasier signs off for commercials as we fade out. Act Two. Scene One - Radio Station. (The scene resumes where we left off. The commercials have finished and Frasier gets back to his radio show.) Frasier: And we're back. Well, we have a surprise caller on the line: Derek Mann. Derek: [v.o:] So what's it going to be, Crane, are you going to fight me or not? Frasier: Oh, you can't be serious. Derek: Just like I figured, you're chicken. Frasier: No, I just don't think that civilized people behave that way. You know, Roz, perhaps our listeners have an opinion about that subject? Who do we have on the line? Roz: Well, lines one through eight are people who think you're chicken. Derek: You're chicken, Crane. Admit it! Frasier: I am not chicken! Derek: [squawks like a chicken] Frasier: We are mature thinking people, not cavemen! Derek: [squawks some more] Frasier: Alright, if you want a fight so bad, I'll give you a fight! You just say the time and place! Derek: Kinsley square, right outside your office, by the old statue. Noon tomorrow. Don't back out! Frasier: I won't! Don't you back out either because I know where your office is too, and I know where you live, and I'll track you down! Now who else out there wants a piece of me?! FADE TO: (Scene Card) ET TU, EDDIE? Scene Two - Frasier's Apartment. (That evening Martin is searching through his old case as Daphne pa**es him.) Daphne: Having a look at that old murder case again? Martin: Yeah, I've dug out the old crime scene photos. Daphne: Well, don't be a greedy guts - let me have a look. (Daphne has a look at the photo of the girl. After a while her psychic powers kick in.) Daphne: Her name was Helen. Martin: Yeah, it was. [knowing her trick:] Ah, you must have seen it on some of my papers I've had lying around here. Daphne: No, I just got this feeling when I touched the picture. Martin: You're putting me on. Daphne: She had a lot of men in her life. Martin: No kidding: she was a hooker! Daphne: No, I mean she had four brothers. Martin: [surprised:] That's amazing. She did have four brothers. What else are you getting? Well, come on, tell me more. Daphne: I can't just turn it on and off like a faucet. Martin: Give it a try, will you? Please. What else are you getting? Daphne: Nothing. [suddenly:] No, wait. I see a man. Martin: Yeah? Daphne: A well-dressed man. He's wearing wing tips and a trench coat. Martin: Yeah? Yeah? Daphne: He's getting off an elevator... he's walking down a long hallway... she doesn't know he's coming... he's opening the door... (At this moment, a well-dressed man enters the apartment wearing wing tips and a trench coat - it's Frasier.) Frasier: Hello, everyone. Daphne: Sometimes I get my signals crossed. Frasier: What's going on? Martin: Well - unless you k**ed a hooker when you were twelve - nothing much! Daphne: We heard your show today. I just loved the way you handled that Derek Mann. Martin: You made your old man proud. Yet the best part was when he challenged you to a fight and you stood right up to him. Frasier: [worried:] Yes I did, didn't I? Martin: I can't wait to see that. Frasier: Oh, I'm not actually going to go through with it, dad. Martin: What are you talking about? Frasier: Well, I already won our little war of words. What would I stand to benefit by going through with actually going through with a fist fight? Martin: Frasier, maybe I'm misunderstanding here... he challenged you and you're backing down? Frasier: Well, mature people are supposed to use their intellect to settle their differences. Martin: A man doesn't just turn his tail and run - that's not the way I brought you up. Frasier: Are you encouraging me to fight? Martin: You bet I am - you gave the guy your word. Frasier: Yes, but I didn't even know what I was saying - I hadn't even had lunch yet. Martin: I might have known this would have happened. It's Billy Kreizel all over again. Frasier: What did you say? Martin: Something about a Billy Kreizel, I believe. Frasier: I can't believe you're dragging that up - that was thirty years ago. Daphne: Who's this Billy Kreizel? Frasier: Oh, he was this kid in fifth grade that used to torment me! Martin: So one day Frasier made fun of Billy's crewcut. Frasier: Well, he started it by making fun of the elbow patches on my blazer! Martin: Well, the point is, they were supposed to meet for a fight after school. Only "Patches" here didn't show up! Frasier: I had a clarinet lesson! Martin: You don't need to remind me of that! Billy's old man was a cop, too. Boy, the guys rode me about that excuse of yours for years. Every time I couldn't make it out for a drink they used to say, "What's the matter? You got a clarinet lesson?" Daphne: [wondering:] Couldn't you and Billy have met after the clarinet lesson? Frasier: Daphne, would you please excuse us for a moment! Daphne: [gets up:] I have a feeling I'm going to be excused quite a lot in this house. (She exits to the kitchen.) Frasier: [sarcastic:] Dad, I am sorry if I embarra**ed you for not fighting Billy Kreizel thirty years ago. But the situation is not the same now. Martin: It's exactly the same. Frasier: I am an adult now, I've been to medical school, I hold a certain position in this city - I do not settle my differences with brawling. Martin: The man challenged you and you accepted. Frasier: Dad, I can't believe this. You won't be happy until I come home with a black eye. Martin: I just want you to do what you said you were going to do. You know, you can talk about your medical school, your intellect, your place in this city, but you know what? It's all one big clarinet lesson... I can't even look at you. (Martin exits to the kitchen, angry with his son. Frasier is left with little dignity and looks at Eddie for a little support. However, even Eddie turns his face away from him. Frasier can only sulk.) FADE TO: (Scene Card) REQUIEM FOR A LIGHTWEIGHT Scene Three - Café Nervosa. (The next day, Frasier is preparing for the big fight whilst chatting with Roz.) Roz: So, I step out of the shower, I look out of the window and I notice the garbage man looking right in at me. So I say, "Did you get a good look?" And he says, "Not completely, turn around." Then he smiled, and he's missing a tooth, and that's when the romance went right out of it for me. Frasier: Roz, why are you telling me this story? Roz: I'm trying to take your mind of the fact that in five minutes you're going to walk right out into that square and get your clock cleaned. Frasier: Well, has it ever occurred to you that I might actually win this fight? Roz: Your shoe's untied. [Frasier checks his tied shoes] If you fell for that one, you're going down and you're going down hard. Niles: [enters] Frasier, there's quite a crowd forming out there. Secretaries with bag lunches, business men, children with balloons... Frasier: All that's missing is a mariachi band. Niles: They're setting up. Roz: Well, I better go find a great place in the crowd. I'll be off to the left, Frasier, for when you tear his ear off and want to throw it to a beautiful senorita. She leaves the Café. Niles looks at Frasier. Niles: Frasier, as your brother and as your friend - why are you doing this? Frasier: It's Billy Kreizel. Niles: [looking around:] Where? Frasier: [shakes head] He's not here, Niles. It's just that I ran away from him when I was ten. Niles: I remember. Frasier: You know, I've been running ever since. You know, this is where it stops. I'm not running anymore. Niles: What is it that makes us Crane boys such targets? (As he says this, he takes his nail file out of his coat pocket and buffs his nails. He blows on them and offers the file to Frasier which he refuses.) Frasier: [sarcastic:] Chalk it up to random violence! (Niles nods in agreement and exits the café. Martin enters.) Martin: Hey, there. Frasier: Dad? What are you doing here? Martin: Look son, I said a couple of things last night that maybe went over the line. Frasier: Look dad, if you were worried that you talked me into something that I wasn't ready to do – well, you're wrong. You can relax. I took this on for myself. Martin: Good. Frasier: Who told you that I was going through with it, anyway? Martin: Oh, let's just say a father knows certain things about his son. They smile. Daphne enters. Daphne: Good news, I parked in front of a broken meter. We're getting a freebie. Well, good luck, Dr. Crane, with the fight. Frasier: Thank you, Daphne. Any psychic predictions on the outcome? Daphne: Actually, yes. But don't worry, I'm frequently wrong. (Frasier removes his jacket and tie. Niles comes in.) Niles: Frasier, Frasier, there's something I want you to see. [points out of window:] There, the man standing to the left of the statue - I recognize his picture from the newspaper, that's Derek Mann. Frasier: He's gigantic! Daphne: [looking out:] My God, you could show a movie on his back! Martin: Are you sure you want to go through with this? Frasier: Yes, yes I am. (Frasier throws a few shadow punches to loosen himself up.) Martin: Good, you'll be fine. Just remember this is a street fight and not a boxing match. So fight dirty and throw the first punch! Daphne: I found that a swift knee to the groin usually does the trick. [co*ky:] If you have any doubts, check with a fellow in Manchester named Nigel Tavers. Niles: [begins to leave:] Well, if we want an unobstructed view... Frasier: [stops him:] Look, I prefer if you guys stay here. You'll only make me nervous. Martin: Whatever you want. (They all wish Frasier good luck. As he exits the mariachi band strikes up. They all move over to the window to look out.) Martin: They've got a mariachi band out there! Niles: I'll have to get their card, I need someone for our summer barbeque. Daphne: Oh look, they're starting the fight. Martin: Nah, they're just circling, sizing each other up. Come on, Frasier, if you're going to hit him, hit him now! (They all shout encouragements, then police sirens are heard.) Niles: Is that the police? Martin: Yeah, what are they doing here? Daphne: They're breaking it up! Just when they were getting started. (Shouts are heard from the crowd hurling insults at the police force. The officer marches Frasier right into the Café.) Frasier: Alright, I'll come along peacefully - let me just get my jacket. Officer: Relax, I'm not arresting you. But I'm warning you that in this town we don't settle our differences with street fights - no matter who you are. Frasier: Well thank you, officer, you'll have no more trouble from me. Officer: Okay. [exits] Frasier: Dad, dad, did you see me? My hands are trembling, my chest is pounding, my mouth is all dry, my knees are like jello... God, I feel great! Martin: You did good. Frasier: Yeah, I was out there. I was raring to go, you saw that... Martin: I know you were. You would have kicked his bu*t! Daphne: From here to Tacoma. Niles: [shouting:] I think we should celebrate! Everyone, a round of victory lattes on me. (As the gang celebrate, Martin walks up to the officer on the door.) Martin: Thanks Harry, I owe you one. Officer: No problem, Marty. Martin: You cut it pretty close, though. Another minute, then Frasier would have been sidewalk litter. He would have been lunch meat. Officer: Say, some of the guys are getting together later at Duke's. Why don't you come along? Martin: Yeah, maybe I will. And you know why I will? Because the Crane boys don't take clarinet lessons anymore. Officer: What the hell are you talking about? Martin: [embarra**ed:] Oh that's right, you weren't in my precinct. Credits: Frasier's Apartment: (Eddie is sat on a chair staring at a picture of Frasier looking mad. He doesn't take his eyes off him.)