Epic Rap Battles of History - Alexander the Great vs Ivan the Terrible lyrics
Look alive Crème de la Kremlin's arriving Try to serve Ivan No surviving You're a land rover, I'm a land expander Here to hand you your first loss, Alexander I'll school you like Aristotle Smack you harder than you hit that bottle You're nothing but an overrated lush, I'll crush ya I'm the first Tsar of all of Russia You're an a**hole with an anastole I'm heaven sent, divine and holy So don't even try to approach the God Or you'll get a huge sack like Novgorod Hey fella, swell diss But now you got the Panhellenist from Pella hella pissed Stepping up's foolish as well as useless Little Vasilyevich, let me spell out the list I brought foes to their knees in Phoenicia Breezed through Gaza to Giza Had the Balkans, Persia, Syria, Iraq and Pakistan In my expansion pack While you died in the middle of a game of chess You got vodka bars, flavorless And what I'm about to spit will be the craziest So go fix me a drink so I can stay refreshed Kudos! Greek for the glory I got From winning every single war that I fought So this will be straight forward, I'll take up this sword that I brought And slice you in half like the Gordian knot And I'll soar to the top like the eagle whose feather I would sport in the helmet that I wore As I swatted my many enemies, shattered 'em like a porcelain pot And they'd be praying for the torture to stop But I would leave 'em contorted and they'd be screaming and roaring Until their vocal chords were torn up and shot And I would holler Bucephalus! Hop on my horsey and trot I win Ivan, I vanquish I'm an immortal, you're not Enough! I don't stand a chance against your sk**s на здоровье A drink to your victory Yes, I will It seems no one can defeat me I weep, it's all so easy Oh! What's wrong? I feel a bit queasy Ha! You've been poisoned! Oh, the pain is unbearable! My stomach's riddled with holes! Ugh, I'm terrible There's no great who could defeat this Russian Psst, what about a flute busting Prussian? (Old Fritz, old fritz! Old Fritz, old fritz! Old Fritz, old fritz! Old Fritz, old fritz!) I'm Frederick the Great, out the gate first servant of state Oblique attack tactics ain't exactly straight I've got creative talents and battle malice Hard as steel on the field, genteel in the palace Russia's f**ed up but no wonder why With your tundras and taigas and bears, oh my! I would pay a guy to tear out my eyes If I had to look at your troll face every night Now bring me my chair I'm weary from tearing you a new derrière from here to Red square Fought a Seven Years' War, I ain't scared of a Tsar Cause beating you only took me twelve bars Oh, what a humiliating defeat! I know when I am beat So of course, take a seat 'd keep ripping you to shreds But I'll take a break instead And just rest my little head Why don't you drop dead, Fred?! Hmm, my expectations were a lot higher But at least I saved the rubles on the garrote wire It's another great day and another great victory Cause no great can beat me What about me? Pompey! Yeah! Macedonians, Prussians and Romans Those aren't worthy opponents It takes a Russian to take down a Russian I'm Cath, I'm a cat, you're a rodent How are you the head of our state When the state of your head was such a crazy one? Such sick sh** going through your brain That you stuck a spike through your own son (Oooh) You're unbalanced like I unbalanced the European powers with the wars I waged I brought the Russian empire straight out of the olden days and right into the golden age I'm the boss b**h that you just can't meddle with This whole battle's like Alaska cause I settled it Hmmm, what a beautiful Queen to beat me in a battle Accept this gift, Your Highness: I hear you enjoy the saddle That horse story is a pile of sh** Though I do keep 'em chomping at the bit But you're never gonna get it, nyet Couldn't spin in my chamber if this were Russian roulette I'm picking up where Peter the Great left off Bringing s**y back to House Romanov So don't call me Queen, I'm far more great Empress to Tsar 8, b**h Checkmate