Eddie Murphy - Delirious (transcript) lyrics

Ladies and gentlemen ! Eddie Murphy! Thank you. Thank you so much. Too kind, far too kind. Before I even get started how about a big round of applause for the Bus Boys. There's some rules, I got some rules when I show down and I do my standup, I got rules and sh**. f*ggots aren't allowed to look at my a** while I'm on stage ! That's why I keep moving while I'm up here. You don't know where the f*ggot section is, you gotta keep moving. So if they do see it, quick, you switch, they don't get no long stares at your sh**...so that their imagination is flowing about my... I know when you're looking, 'cos my a** starts to get hot. I'm afraid of gay people. Petrified. I have nightmares about gay people. I have this nightmare that I go to Hollywood and find out that Mr. T is a f*ggot. Really, and he'd be walking up to people going: "Hey, boy ! Hey, boy !" "You look mighty cute in them jeans !" "Now come on over here, and f** me up the a** !" "I'm gonna bend over now!" "Hey, boy, slow down ! You're gonna miss the round, and come too fast !" "You make me get get mad I clench up my bu*tcheeks and rip your dick off!" You know who would be a funny f*ggot? Ralph Kramden and Ed Norton! Ralph Kramden leaning out the window and: "Norton! Come on down, I wanna show you somethin'!" "Ralphie-boy, whaddaya say there pal of mine ?" "You know Norton, I've been watching you. And I know you've been watching me. You watch me! I know!" "So, Ralph, what are you gettin' at?" "Norton, my friend! How would you like to f** me up the a**?" "I know you wanna f** me, Norton!" "And you know that I know that you know that I know that you wanna f** me!" "Now I'm gonna bend over, and when I do, start f**in'!" "Here I go!" "[groans] hamana hamana hamana" "Way to go there, Ralphie-boy!" I kid the h*mos**uals a lot, because they're h*mos**uals. I f** with everybody. I don't give a f** if they're... Just like I'm... I don't mean anything by it. You can hang out with a gay person. Them guys don't feel, you know, alienated, like, gay people, because they're gay. You can play tennis with a gay person. Really! Just after the game you say: "I'm gonna get a beer, what's you gonna do?" "I think I'm gonna s** some guy's dick." "Well, I'll see you later!" "You go s** that dick, I'm gonna have the beer." Ladies are hip to it too. Ladies be hanging out with gay people. Ladies be saying: "Gay men are the best friends to have!" "because they don't want anything from you, you don't want anything from them, you just hang out, you can be with them and get fun and just talk to them" and all that bullsh**, and they be hanging out with them. You know what's really scary about it? that new AIDS sh**. AIDS is scary because it k**s motherf**ers, AIDS! That ain't like the good old days when venereal disease was simple. In the good old days, you got gonorrhea, you dick hurt, go get a shot, cleared right up. Then they came out with herpes, you keep that sh** forever like luggage. And now they got AIDS that just k**s motherf**ers. I say what's next, I guess you just put your dick in it and explodes! And the girl would be on the bed: "Maybe I should see a doctor about it..." k**s people! It petrifies me because girls be hanging out with them. One night they could be in the club having fun with their gay friend, give them a little kiss. And go home with AIDS on their lips! And then when her husband, like five years later, Somebody says; "Mr. Johnson you have aids.." "AIDS?! But I'm not h*mos**ual!" "Sure you're not h*mos**ual..." All the diseases scare me because I'm like these...these are f** years for me, like I'm... I'm in my s**ual prime, this, I f** now! These are the years to f**! This is when you do your best f**ing. And you just start to learn your body and getting it on your shoulders on to f**... Like 18 year olds, let me hear you all in the audience! See y'all don't know how to f** yet, see. You don't. You get 22 you start moving all this sh**. Making faces, ever made them f** faces. it's a cool motherf**ing thing. You don't do that when you're 18. There's just one expression 'cos you be surprised you f**ing her. Plus you don't have no dick control when you're 18! Ever been sitting around when you was young man, just sitting in cla**, your dick gets hard for nothing? You be just sitting there and your dick's here: "Hey what's going on out there?" That's when the teacher say: "Mr Murphy, would you come over by the board?" "No, that's alright. I'll take the zero." Really, no dick control at all. It's even hard to find the p**y when you're 18. Ever had that guys? You'd be searching for the p**y down there. And your dick be sliding down and sh**, and the girl be going: "That's not it..." "Is there any problem?" "No, ain't no problem, baby." "You got a shoe horn or some sh** like that?" And this is the business to be in if you want some p**y. That's why I got in show business, for p**y. I figured, if Jimmy Walker can f**, I'm f**ing everybody. f** this, and it's like that too. When you do TV-shows, women would be throwing p**y at me on the street like Frisbee. "Ed!" "Thank you! Appreciate that!" Too much p**y, p**y would be falling outta my pocket. Walking out the street: "Oh, watch your step, that's mine." Being a comic though ain't like being no singer. The singers get all the p**y. Like the Bus Boys: they f** everybody. Bus Boys will f** anything that moves. Come to my house the fish stop swimming. They don't play. Singers gets p**y. Because you don't have to, even you don't have to look good, you can sing and get p**y. Just be interesting. Because this Sex Symbol is getting p**y and is ugly motherf**er. Because all you have to do is sing, its something about singing that is the business, you sing, women go crazy. Because, Mick Jagger is an ugly motherf**er! with big a** lips! Mick Jagger's lips are so big, black people be going: "You got some big a** lips!" "These some big motherf**ing lips!" But he's singing! and you sing you'll get over. Luther Vandross is a big Kentucky Fried Chicken eating motherf**er. But he put that sh** up like.... [mimics Luther Vandross signature scatting] And women go "Ahhhh!" Sing! that's all you got to do is sing. Michael Jackson, who can sing, and is a good looking guy. But ain't the most masculine fellow in the world. That's Michael's hook, his sensitivity! That's when women be sayin: "Michael's just so sensitive..." And they eat that sh** up. Mike knows. He be using women. I've seen Mike walk up to a girl and they'd be in the audience and say: "Is it allright if I come down there to sing to you..." And women go: "Whaaaaa!" Then, if you don't scream, Michael gets really sensitive and cry on your a**. Ever hear that record "She's out of my life"? "So, I've learned that love's not possession And I've learned that love won't wait Now, I've learned that love needs expression But, I've learned too late" [Cries] "Tito, give me some tissue." "Jermaine, stop teasing." I'm just saying...I like dudes with masculine voices, like Teddy Pendergra**. Teddy just comes out, takes the lyrics and: "You got, you got, you got what I need!" And scare the b**hes that are liking him. That motherf**er's crazy, throw your panties on the stage. That's whats happening. I like Elvis Presley! Really I give credit where credit is due. When Elvis was young, he was a bad motherf**er. He was vicious. Sing his a** off. He sang so good, they let him do movies, he couldn't act. They said: "f** it! Let him sing all his dialogues!" "Elvis, we got to win this race!" "We got to win this race...." "Elvis, want some lemonade?" "Lemonade, that cool, refreshing drink...." Let him sing 'till he was older too, Elvis was 42 years old. Remember right before he choked. He would come out, his stomach was all fat and sh**...and his bu*t be sticking out and sh**...looking like he had to sh**, out walking on the stage like this... "I've lived a life that's full I've traveled each and every highway And more, much more than this" [farts] "Excuse me." Sing! That's the key to it. You don't even have to be able to talk. Just sing and get famous. James Brown's been singing for 20 years. I don't know what the f** James is talking about! I don't understand sh** James says! I met him once at Saturday Night Live, walked up to him and said "James, I luv your stuff". And James said [mimics James Brown talk]. And whatever James is saying is some really heavy sh** to James. Because it's really meaningful sh** to James.. Because at the end of every sentence he ends it off with: [mimics James Brown "huh" grunt] He meant that sh** that he just said boy! Everything just "Huh!" And you getting mad you start putting the needle back "What the f** did I just miss?" That's a James Brown lyric. He wrote that sh**! He's writing a song and: "I need a word in here: Heaay!" "That's good, I like that!" [Sings 'Superbad (Parts 1 & 2) by James Brown'] [Mimics James Brown responding to Band Members as shown in 'Talkin' Loud and Sayin' Nothing'] Band be going: "What the f** is James talking about?" "I don't know but we're getting paid, keep singing" And people take singers. There's something about singers that people just love and sh**. Because I... I did Stevie Wonder on a show once. And black people lost their motherf**ing minds! I have brother's rolling up on me going: "Hey! You the motherf**er that'd been doing Stevie Wonder?" "That sh** ain't funny, motherf**er!" "Don't you never let me see you do that sh** again! I'll f** you up!" "Stevie Wonder is a musical genius!" "That's terrible! That's terrible, man! Your mother brought you up wrong, that's what it is." "Your mother bought you up wrong motherf**er!" I got mad, I was hanging out with Stevie two months ago, I said: "Look, Steve, I get two months flack over this impression." "I don't like doin', I ain't doing this sh** no more." Stevie says: "Well I feel that..." "Shut the f** up !" Because you gotta cut Steve off quick, because if he starts rolling he talks your ears off. You ever seen Steve win a Grammy and come up to give one of those long a** acceptance speeches? "And the winner is Stevie Wonder!" "...and I like to say all the people in the world today..." "...God's children and..." "Just take the motherf**ing award and get the f** out!" 'cos if you don't say that the credits will be rolling and Stevie going: "And I'd like to thank..." I've been in the car and said: "Just shut the f** up, Steve!" "I'm telling you, genius and all that sh**, but you're my boy, man, we hang and, I mean, like, it's nice and sh** but I don't appreciate all the flack. And personally, the piano and the singing, I told you how I feel about singing...I ain't impressed. You wanna impress me? Take the wheel for a little while, motherf**er!" "I heard that sh**, man!" "That sh** wasn't funny!" "Then I suppose in your little sketch Stevie crashed in a tree, right?" "Ha-ha, very funny, motherf**er!" "Your mother got a wooden leg with a kick stand, motherf**er!" "Your mother got a mouth in the back of her neck and the b**h chews like this!" "Motherf**er Stevie Wonder jokes and sh**!" It's hot as f** in here! [Somebody in the audience yells "Take it off!"] No, I can't take it off. Maybe ladies would run up the place holding their pussies going: "Aaaah!" What's going on over there? Ladies run down the street and sh**... can't do that. Do we have the icecream man around here? Remember when the ice cream man used to come to town when you was little? And no matter what you was doing you would stop and lose your f**ing mind! There's something about the ice-cream truck that makes kids lose it. And they can hear that sh** from ten blocks away. They don't hear their mothers calling but they hear that motherf**ing ice cream truck. And no matter what was was going on, the iceman came, it stopped. You be getting some marbles and sh**: "ice cream! Ice cream! The ice cream man is coming! The ice cream man is coming!" "Mom! Mom!" "Throw down some money!" "The ice cream man is coming!" Then your mother come to the window and be throwing change and say: "Get your father toasted almond boy, get your brother icy, get yourself vanilla cone and bring back my change." Catch all that sh** and run down the street, top speed. Chasing the Icecream truck and: "Icecream!" Ice cream man always drove extra blocks away though. And I know he's seen us and sh**, but I think he just be in the car with his friends and say: "Watch me how fast I make these motherf**ers run" You'd be behind him doing 50mph and going: "Icecream!" You stop, you be out of wind saying: "Icecream man, can I have this, I want this over there, toasted almond for my father, and give me this ice cream over here and vanilla cone. Thank you, icecream man! Thank you!" I'd get my ice cream and I didn't eat it just sing for a little while. You know how kids are. "I have some ice cream, I have some ice cream, and I'm gonna eat it all, I'm gonna eat it all..." The ice cream be running down your arm and sh** "You don't have no icecream! You didn't get none! You didn't get none! "'cos you are on the welfare, you can't afford it." Other kids would join in: "You can't afford it, and his father is an alcoholic!" "You dropped your ice cream, you dropped your ice cream..." Eat it. I could drop my icecream in a pile of sh** and eat it. I would be like "It's just sprinkles" Unless your mother catch you doing that nasty sh**, though. My mother caught me doing that, she made me put it down in 1 sentence: And you dropped that sh**, quick. Anybody got them mothers that would hit you with a shoe? I had a mother that was so ashoed she would do at the drop of a dime. And f** you up, wherever she was aiming. And bad with the shoe, carry that sh** like a gun, by the time I was lie 10, my mother was like Clint Eastwood with the shoe. And you f** up, my mom was walking the room just like: [Whistle's The Good, The Bad and The Ugly theme song] "Why did you eat your ice cream off the floor?" "I didn't, I just..." Bad! Accurate! You'd be in a supermarket and sh** and be grabbing cereals off the counter going: "Mom, can we get this?" "I guess not!" And could be doing three different things, be on the phone with my grandmother, be cooking with this hand have the phone like this and be saying; "Yeah, mama, hold on a second." f** you up and God forbid, my mother be dressed up and had them high heels on. Them pumps, 'cos then she gets boomerang action going on your a**! And f** you up in your room, you won't even know what the f** happened. They can hear you when you're getting ready to walk out the door. And hear you on the bunk beds f**ing around. They got that mother hearing. "Wait a minute, baby." "Let's go." She was the one who did all the disciplining around the house and sh**. Very, very strict house I came from. And I remember when I first went to my first contact with a white family freaked me out and sh**. I went to Fresh Air Fund, ever went to that? where they take a kid from the city and take him to the country and f** their minds up? And I went there, I found some white kids can curse around the house! That f**ed me up! when I was little I couldn't believe that sh**. Because I couldn't even say "dagg" around my house, my father said "sounds too much like damn." I got in trouble for saying sh** the wrong way. I was in the house with Tom Kildea. His mother said "Tom you're a little late” He said: "Come on mom I'm moving as fast as I can sh**." And I was standing like this: And if I tried to pull some sh** like that in my house? "Ed, you're a little late!" "Oh, come on, pop, sh**, what is this! Come on, damn!" My pop just go: [Fires gun] "That motherf**er's crazy!" Pops didn't play man, he didn't play when it came to kids, he ain't f**en with my mother though. My mother would f** him up. My moms one of those sistas you don't hit. You can't hit sistas period. Remember in the old days when you could beat up a woman? Remember that sh** back in the 20's, the guys just smacked their wives in the movies... And they just go: You can't do sh** like that no more. Women be takin' aerobics, and they'll f** you up now! It's scary too, man! Especially a black woman. You hit a black woman she lose her mind! Seriously. They go crazy, you can have a really timid sister for a girl, and smack it be like: "I'm a k** you, motherf**er! You don't hit me like that! You don't hit me sh**! "You don't put your hands on my face! my father don't put his hands on my face!” "Baby, please, stop! Baby, please... stop! Baby, hold on, stop, please!" "Calm down, baby, calm down!" "You don't hit me, motherf**er!" "So get the f** out!" Throw you out your own house, you be so scared you get the f** out too. That's some sh**. You know you're scared when a woman says get the f** out your own house and you leave. I had a girlfriend once, I smacked her and got all cool and sh**. And then she got cool and scared me more and I just left. "I didn't want to do that sh**, baby! But you brought that sh** on yourself" "Dont make me have to do it again." She said: "No, no I did bring it on myself." "Why don't you just go to sleep!" Got the f** out. People are changing. Men are changing too, this sh** the guys do now you couldn't do what they did 30 years ago. In the old days, you had an argument with your girl in the car, she say: "Let me out of here!" Men would say: "No, no, we can't have any of that." And nowadays a woman say that sh**, dude: "Get the f** out!" Somebody broke wind in here! I've been trying like not say nothing but someone farted in this motherf**er. That's some long-distance fart too, boy. I know you get down with your friends have a good time. Especially fellas..ya know they play that game, they play the fart game you know. You know you fart around your fellas and its funny. Dudes be doing that they be gettin in elevators farting and laughing and sh**. It's nasty ! You play the fart game. I think deep down inside people wanna smell other people's farts. 'Cos you smell them. And people always tell you they farted. They say: "I farted." You don't leave, you pause a second. "Yeah, you did!" 'cos in the back of your mind you wanna grade the fart. 'cos if it smells bad enough, two years later you be going: "Remember that fart you made, two years ago ?" The fart game you play. Starts off around the house when you're little. Your father introduces you to it. You'd be sitting in the house on a Saturday morning, watching cartoons and your father make a fart and: "That wasn't me, that was your mother." "Oh, baby, baby ! I want a divorce, uh! You're rotten, baby, sh**!" And you join in, grab your little brother, sit on his head and fart. You ever do that? That's a fun game, you little brother freak out and go: "Waaah" And your father goes: "It's the fart game, you'll play one day son." The fart game, you get your best friend in on that sh** too. You can walk up to your best friend while he's watching a football game and fart in his face. He won't even get mad. He just go: "Ok, you got me." "That was a good one, too ! My mouth was open. My mouth was open on that!" I got a scar, over my eye till this day from playing the fart game in the bathtub. Me and my big brother used to play it. We were poor, we didn't have mr. bubble, we played the fart game. "I think it's smelly !" "I'm G.I Joe, I'm swimming on the water..." And my big brother was sitting in the other end of the tub, and made sh** in the tub. He wanted to add some excitement to the game. He said: "And then a big brown shark came." I jumped up and said: "Aaaaah." Cut my eye on the soap dish, blood gushing out and sh**. Screaming, my mother ran in the bathroom. Seeing my big brother sittin in the bathroom with a piece of sh** in his hand. I was layin at the bottom of the water with blood gushing outta my eye...And G.I. Joe up my a**... My mother: "What the f** is going on over here?" Can I hold somebody's camera. Anybody bring a camera? Does its flash go immediately? Like I don't have to be waiting like my aunt and sh** "Wait a second now !" They try to press it and the sh** don't work they be going like: "There's something wrong with it..." And it go immediately the flash. Are you sure? I'll take a picture of the crowd, for myself. OK, y'all come over here on this now? You know ? I'll take two of them. This ain't no instamatic motherf**er! I got to wait for the flash and sh**! See you got me waiting I should break your sh**. See the brothers sitting in the back go: "All this money and he taking motherf**ing pictures!" "I want my picture took, I'd steal a car motherf**er!" "Hey, man, I said one f**in' picture!" "You're going to ruin my f**ing film, man. Come on, sh**!" "Who the f** do you think you are, man!" I'll see you explain the last one to the guy at the Photomat. "That's a picture of Eddie Murphy's dick..." You know what would be a good picture? Can all the brothers stand up? All the brothers in the audience? Straight up! Everybody up! Straight up ! I'm serious ! What the f** are you doing? Will you, motherf**er stand up? Up! And all the ladies get the cameras up. We're gonna set the record straight here. When I say go...everybody whip out their dick and go: "Wuuuhaaa" Look how fast the white dudes sat down. Some of them still standing. Y'all must be Italian! We got some sh** on us. We got all this sh**! We got some dicks hanging down! Dicks down to this motherf**er! You don't believe it. White people don't believe it. What's funny about it, White people are the ones that made up the rumor. "You know, black people have tremendous dicks, but I don't believe it!" You know remains of the first dick was found in Africa? Big a** piece of bone dick on the floor. "What is this sh** ?" "It's an old dried up dick." "That means the first dick belonged to a black man." Dicks. We got the sh** for it. We got nice a**es, too. We got our sh** on. You see a white dude would be in this suit like this. "All right, man ! All right, maaan !" I got a friend, Doug, there go Doug, my friend, Doug's a** is way up here on his back. Ain't it, Doug? Doug be getting sh** stains on his collar. And in restaurants be reaching for his wallet: "Lemme get my wallet" Coz we got our sh** hooked, all this is hooked up with black people. Chinese people are f**ed all around, coz they got little dicks and little a**es. They do and its f**ed up the way they walk. They be walking all light coz they ain't got no sh** pulling them down. Now, a brother's dick is too big it f**s up his balance so he'd have to do all this sh**.. Everytime you see a brother in a wheel chair he ain't always cripple. He's got big sh** hanging down! That's why all the brothers model they drawers in the newspapers. Think 'bout it. I've been seeing newspapers every sunday morning. A white dude in his drawers...Never have no balls in they drawers. Smiling and sh**. If I had no balls. I wouldn't be smiling this sh**. "I don't have any dick !" Brother be standing there..if a brother models is drawers they need an extra fold in the page. They're selling underwear but this n******gs dick is in my coffee. "Want me stir it for you?" That's some true sh**. What's today's date? Don't go to cook-outs. I hate cook-outs man. Stay away from cook-outs, if you're like me stay away. I don't like my family come by the house, with the relatives I ain't seen since the last cook-out. You got certain relatives you just see at the cook-out. And they get on your f**in nerves every year. My uncle Gus come by the house every year. My uncle Gus is the uncle that likes to work the grill. And don't let nobody touch the grill when he's around and sh**. As as soon as he walks in the house its like: "Get away from that grill you dunna know how to start a fire" "You dunna start no fire, put this fire out. This ain't no fire goddamnit." "Eddie. Eddie go over there get all of that wood I need half a tree. Chop that tree." "Chop down that tree and give me the wood." "And Charlie go get me gallons of gasoline out the shed." "Two gallons of gasoline, you kids roll up your shirt we're gonna start a fire." "Come on, you wanna eat? You wanna eat?" "Then shut up and put it on the fire." "O.k. put that wood on the side there." "O.k. gimme the gasoline Charlie." "Hold the match, when I tell you throw the match on the gasoline all right?" "When I tell you right? We gonna make a fire. We gonna eat. "Here we go pour the gasoline on like this." "We need the hole ...get that goddamn lighter fluid out of here we can't use that sh**." "Using all the gallons gasoline on this wood." "And make a fire, we're gonna eat a hamburger o.k.?" "Here we go, Charlie throw the match." "NOW THAT"S A FIRE!" "That's a fire, look at that, look at that." "He be alright, roll Charlie 'round, roll him around." And uncle Gus is married to my aunt Bunny. My aunt Bunny got a moustache and sh**! You know one of them lady moustaches? It was really cool, back when she was 20. Ladies had them little thin ones and sh**. Then when they get about 40 like aunt Bunny they be havin' a Billy Dee Williams' look. The sh** is bigger than a man's and sh** ! Aunt Bunny weight like 300 pounds. Like real heavy lady and sh**. And the kids were scared of her. You got that kid logic going. I remember my aunt Bunny come by the house. It was like. I was petrified coz she always wanted to kiss me and touch me and some sh**. Soon as she walked on the door was like: "Come here and give aunt Bunny a kiss, baby." Then you go: "Waaaaa!" And my mom would say: "Why don't you go and kiss your aunt Bunny ?" Kids don't give a f**, they go: "She's got a moustache!" Why do kids move so slow when they be crying? "Stop making all that noise!" "I said shut up!" You be mad coz your mother hit you. You be standing there wishing hateful sh** on your mother. "God please k** her !" "I hope she gets hit by a truck and die !" "I hate her ! I hate her! I hate her ! I hate her!" Shut up or I'll come and give you something to cry about. Than my pop starts talking. And my pop is f**ed up every 4th of July!" Black men like to claim the house when they're drunk. Men period I think, like to claim their house. They want you to know that if you drunk and they're drunk. And you in their house, that it's their house. My father standing in the middle of the cook-out saying: "It's my house!" "You know that it is ? And if you don't like it, you get the f** out !" "I don't give a f**!" "I don't give a... I pay the motherf**er bills in this motherf**er!" "And, hey... Kiss my a** if you don't like it!" "Yes ! Yes, motherf**er, yes !" 'cos you know what it is? I'm drunk. So what? Beautiful ! I'm drunk. I'm drunk ! So what? I'm drunk. "You know what? I got drunk in my motherf**ing kitchen, I was drinking out of my gla** in my motherf**er house." "So, f** it!" Then he attacks the whole family, like: "Gus! Gus, can I ask you a question?" "Why is the fire so big?" "Why you made the fire so big? Look at this sh**! Is a motherf**er ridiculous, Gus!" "The fire is too motherf**er big! Why? You're coming in every motherf**in' year, Gus..." "...and you burn out my motherf**er backyard! Why?" "I'm cooking motherf**er hamburgers this big?" "I'm not cookin' no motherf**ing brontosaurus burgers in this motherf**er!" "This ain't the motherf**ing Flintstones, Gus! It's my house, motherf**er!" "Look at Charlie standing over there with 3rd degree burns on em." "It doesn't make sense no. But you take things too far Gus." "I tell you go an inch, you go 17 inches. Tell you go 17 inches you go." "Give a n***a rope gonna be a cowboy Gus." "Why don't you listen. Eddie, get that motherf**ing dog away from my plate." "I'm gonna shoot this dog." "I'm gonna shoot this mother... shut up. I'm gonna shoot it. Stop crying." "Stop crying Eddie, cuz you can get the f** out." "You're gettin' the f**...I know you're seven!" "But you'll be a seven year old walkin' the dog no house motherf**er!" "I hate this motherf**ing dog." "You don't spend time with the dog Eddie." "You don't feed the motherf**er." "You don't pet it. You don't even know what the f** the dogs name is anymore do you" "The dog don't give a f** he don't know his name. The dog is 3 yrs old dont know his name." "Watch this: Coco ! Where the f** is it going? The dog's stupid !'cos you don't spend time with the motherf**er." “I'm supposed to work hard all day and come home to feed the motherf**ing dog? f** no, I'm not feeding the motherf**er!" "You know Eddie, when nobody's home." "When nobody's home you know what I do?" "I walk to the dog and I kick the motherf**er!" "I kick the motherf**er with everything I got, Eddie! And then I giggle my motherf**ing a** off." "'cos I hate the motherf**er! 'cos you don't clean up behind it!” "This ain't Scooby-Doo motherf**er!" "Why can't you clean the dog." "The dog sh**s all over the house. If no one tells you Eddie you dont clean the sh**." "You let the sh** stay forever." "sh** been in the den for 3 months Eddie." It's been in the den for 3 months, you kids go pa** it you act like you don't see it. "And unless you're told you won't clean the sh**." "The sh** is hard as a rock now! It's like motherf**in furniture in there!" "I went in there last week to watch the fight, and said f** it I put my drink on top of it Eddie" "It's a coffee table now! Why can't you clean up sh**?" "My friends come over and they oh that's lovely. It's not lovely it's a piece of sh**." "'Cos my children don't listen!" Then my aunt Bunny would fall down the steps. Almost every year. Ever had a heavy set aunt fall down the steps? Make a whole lotta f**ing noise! It's scary, too, 'cos they'll be calling Jesus on the way down! And aunts don't like to fall straight down the steps like a kid,They be trying to break the fall and hold it and stop the sh**. And that's what makes the fall take a half hour then. Real loud, like: "Lord, Jesus Christ, help my lord, please, Jesus, please!" "Jesus, God, help, my lord, Jesus, help me I'm falling down the steps oh lord Jesus Christ please!" "My shoe!" "Oh lord Jesus God help us!" "I'm half way down now help my lord Jesus !" "Lilian!" "What is all that f**in' noise?!" "Lilian! The b**h is falling down the steps again!" "Lilian! Lilian!" "What's wrong, Bunny?" "I fell down the steps!" "Bunny fell down the steps! Bunny fell down the steps!" Eddie, go get your aunt Bunny something cool for her head!" "What happened?" "Bunny fell down the steps!" "Hey, Charlie ! Aunt Bunny fell down the steps!" "Gus ! What the f** is wrong with your wife?" "Why can't she walk the fryer steps? You come up every f**in' year, Gus..." "... and you burn down my motherf**er backyard and your wife rips down the steps !" "Why ? I work hard to get my place beautiful..." "...and then the motherf**er come over and rips the steps down !" "Look at the motherf**er steps! They're f**ed up, Gus!" "Why can't she walk the steps? You know why she can't walk the steps?" "'cos she's a fat hairy b**h! That's why!" "That's why, Gus! And my children are afraid of your wife." "Eddie's afraid of her! He has nightmares about your wife!" “I went to his room last week, Gus, he was in the bed screaming, Oh, help me, help me !" "I just walk up to him, shake him, ask: What's wrong ? He said: “Aunt Bunny is coming to get me !" "He's afraid of your wife, 'cos she has a bigger mustache than his father!" “But you know what it is, Gus ! I figured out about your wife. And I'm gonna say it…I figured out about your wife. I know where you met your wife. You told me you met your wife 50 years ago on a motherf**ing camping trip...and that your wife was Puerto Rican. Your wife ain't no motherf**er Puerto Rican!" "I thought she wasn't from the first minute 'cos I walked up to her I said: "Hi, my name is Vernon." And she said: "Hello, I'm Bunny. Guni gugu!" "What the f** does guni gugu mean, Gus?" "I don't know what the f** that sh** is as to this day. I thought I learned some new spanish sh**!" I went up to my friend: "Hey, Sanchez! Guni gugu! And Sanchez says: "Get the f** outta here!" I've been walking around for years confused. And I finally figured out about your wife, where you met your wife. "You didn't meet your motherf**er wife on no camping trip!" "Your wife is a Bigfoot, isn't she, Gus ?" "Your wife is a Bigfoot, isn't she, that's why the b**h's mustache is so motherf**er thick!" "'Cos you shaved the b**h down and taught it to speak!" "I know a motherf**in' Bigfoot when I see one!" "You bring a Bigfoot in my home, Gus? On my children?" “The b**h can't talk, she can't walk the fryer steps! She's not trained well, Gus!" “She cannot walk steps. I bet she climb the f** out a tree though, don't she, Gus?" "Doesn't she ? Doesn't she?" "But you had to bring her out here!" “f** her! And your motherf**er children? They're Bigfeet too! They're half Bigfoot, Gus. Cos the motherf**ers is 6 years old and have afros 17 inches long." "They're little hairy motherf**ers just like their mother." “Look at the motherf**ers, you know how I found out they was bigfoot? When I took your kids fishing last week.” “I put the motherf**ers in the boat Gus. And I took the worm and I put it on the hooks. And they both sat there, and put the poles down in the boat. And slammed their face in the water, for 3 mins. And I think what the f** are these kids doin. Then they start movin their heads like this and the motherf**ers come up with fish. I jumped back and said can you believe this motherf**in sh**.” “Then kid took the fish out of his mouth, looked at his brother and said: "Guni gugu!" "I said, what the f** is going on here?" "Normal kids don't do sh** like that, Gus! But I'll tell you somethin' motherf**er!" “You can take your motherf**er hairy fat a** white mustache b**h out the f**. You can go upstairs and get the motherf**in' dog and scoop up the sh**..." "and take Eddie and get these motherf**er long Angela Davis afro-ware motherf**er kids of yours...and put them in the motherf**er guni gugu-mobile and get the f** out !" "And if my wife don't like it she can get the f** out too!" "You missed me, b**h!" Thank you! Oh, Jesus. Oh, sh**... I'm in Washington D.C.! Jesus ! Christ ! This is where Reagan lives. Not far from here. Hey Ron everyone's booing and I ain't said sh**. Well, tell us something we don't know, motherf**er! It ain't like people sit around going "Really does it s**?" sh**'s changing though, we got black politicians now. Who's that boy... Harold Washington ? Harold Washington said: "f** it !" And won. I know he's still sitting around going: "I really won the motherf**er?" And Jesse Jackson seen that sh** and said: "f** it, imma run too, f** it" "Jesse you can win" i see these brothers going. You can win Jesse, coz you're bigger than motherf**ing Harold Washington." "f** Harold Washington." "f** him man, run for president." And Jesse going: "Yeah, f** that sh**." I've seen Jesse in the gym, working the f** out, too, for getting into shape. You know he got a chance he can win. White dudes like to do sh** like that...vote for the wrong dude as a goof. They get drunk and sh** and go like: "Let's vote for Jesse Jackson!" "I just voted for Jesse Jackson !" And next day would be like this: "He f**in' won?" Jesse knows that sh** can happen. He gets in shape. I've seen him running round the track and sh**. I said: "Why the f** you getting in shape like this?" He says: "cos I'm gonna be the first black president." "I have to give speeches like this: My fellow Americans! As your president I feel and dude be going: "He won't stand still!" I ain't hooked up into all that racism sh**. My motto is, life just be happy with the motherf**ers. I ain't into all that racism sh**. Racism ain't as bad as it used to be anyway man…I mean its f**ed up but, they don't call n******gs, n******gs no more and sh**. White people don't say it. Especially when there's n***as around. So I guess I wouldn't know it. I went to Texas to look into racism, about two months ago. I had a show down in Texas, got off the plane and sh**, walked up looking for racism. My friends always told me: "You better not go to Texas! They'll f** you up!" And when a modern day brother here that sh** "What ! They ain't f**ing nobody up!" Brothers act like they couldn't have been slaves back 200 years ago. Its like motherf**ers liked that sh**. "I wish I was a slave; I would f** somebody up!" "sh**..tell me to bale some motherf**ing cotton." "I would have been on the street and sh**.. "He would came up and say ey yo n***a bale this cotton?" "I'd say s** my dick master." "s** my motherf**ing dick." "That's right I ain't baling a motherf**er." The first dude that got off the boat said that sh**. "Bale that cotton." "f** you, motherf**er!" Other motherf**ers say: "We bale the sh**, just keep that sh** away." "Just keep that f**in' sh** away from me." I got of the motherf**ing plane, walked up, Got up, walked up, my bag. All my black sh** on, black leather, big a** medallion and sh** on like this. Little white dude walk up and say: "This your bag?" I said: "Yes, my f**in' bag!" "Why, motherf**er? A black man can't have a suitcase?" And the dude is like: "What the f**'s wrong with this guy?" Wasn't that bad at all. I'm winded. I'm out of breath. Sweating and sh**. [Female audience member yells "Do Mr. Rob!"] ["Shut up, b**h!!" from another member in the audience] Y'all didn't know I was a ventriloquist too. sh** ain't as bad as it used to be. You know who get it real bad now? Chinese people. They are the ones who be getting f**ed over bad. You be teasin' them and sh**. Ever go into a restaurant and order up some food. Chinese dude would be in there and when he leave you do like this: Everybody makes fun of chinese when they order some food up and sh**. And they're nice guys, be all courteous and sh**. Your friends and sh** be laughing. And he look out the back and say: "The food is coming right up." He be in the back watching us: "Very funny. Very funny." "Make a special Won-Ton soup for him..." I wonder if they have, like a McDonald's in China? Chinese people would be walking and say: "Give me a Big Mac and a strawberry shake, a large order fry and a cherry pie." And dude say: "Big Mac, strawberry shake, large order fry and a cherry pie, coming right up." That's a f**ed up language too, chinese. Hard to learn. I wanna learn to speak spanish. That's the sh**. You know what I'd really want to speak? I'd like to learn how to speak french, 'cos that's some cool sh**, French. You can say "I gotta sh**" in french and it would sound good: Just sounds good. I don't like that sh** that Arabic. That the motherf**ers be speaking in the [imitates Arabic languages]. That sh**'s f**ed for me. It sounds nasty and sh**, would be getting like: That's a word in arabic: That means some sh** to them! "Could I have a hamburger cheese roll?" "Never mind, man." "I don't want no hakana on my bread, motherf**er!" Spanish language. You know why I want to learn how to speak Spanish? Coz I was always a Ricky Ricardo buff. When he would get mad of Lucy and be saying: I'd say: "Go on Ricky curse the b**h out." Ricky would lose his mind. Ricky was cool and sh**. For the fifties Desi Arnaz, Ricky Ricardo was a cool motherf**er. He had his baggies on, pointed shoes, in the club Babaloo and sh**. Remember that sh**? You be sittin' there like this: He had a cool a** laugh too, it was like: "It's justa ridiculous !" "Hey, Fred ! How would you like to f** me up the a** ?" TV is all screwed... Any kids here ? I mean, little kids. I don't like you bringing those kids down here. How old are you, man ? How old? Oh, you're gonna be f**ed up when you leave. "Dad ! What's a dick, what is that ?" How old is the other girl, over there? Oh, y'all f**ed up now ! Y'all thought I would be going like this: You didn't know I'd be saying: "A dick this big!" The kid's gonna be waking up and: "A negro's dick's coming to get me mom!" I'mma tell you all a joke you can tell in school, all right, 'cos I've been telling this dirty stuff. Here's a little joke...Y'all can listen to it too. I know lots of times people seen my show then go to work and try to tell and f** my jokes up on the job and sh**. "...and then he said guni gugu!" "And he had a G.I. Joe up his a**!" "Hey, I'm Mr. T, I'll rip your co*k off with my a** !" And dude be standing all: "Yeah, very funny sh**, right..." Here's a joke you can tell at school, when school starts. Everybody be quiet now. Are you listening guys? A bear and a rabbit are takin' a sh** in the woods. And the bear turns to the rabbit and says: "Excuse me, you have problems with sh** sticking to your fur?" And the rabbit says: "No." So the bear wiped his a** with the rabbit. I like that joke. Oh, sh** ! Anybody got cable ? I've been watching a lot of cable lately 'cos I'm so mad with it. Only good TV show now is Star Trek. That's some good sh**! I like Captain Kirk, 'cos Captain Kirk will f** anybody! I've seen him beamed down on a planet, ever seen that when he's f**ed this dream b**h? You gotta be a horny motherf**er to f** a dream b**h! I mean, I'm no racist, but if the b**h is green there's something wrong with the p**y! He'll be f**ing a mutant and: Ship be gettin' all f**ed up. Mr Scott, I like him he made me laugh, he's never cool and sh**. He's the opposite of Spock. The ship be all f**ed up and Mr. Scott say: "Captain, my ship can't take much more of this sir. She's about to blow!" "Let Spock handle it." And Spock say: "Mr Scott, why don't you take the phasers and point them at the dylithium crystals and point them phasers at them and then use the power from the phasers to regenerate the dylithium crystals and we can get out on the impulse power." "Mr Spock ! It just might wax it !" "The sh** worked last week, motherf**er !" I got fed up with TV and sh**, coz I seen all the Star Treks. I start watching cable. I was watching Poltergeist last month. I got a question. Why don't white people just leave the house when there's a ghost in the house? Y'all stay in the house too f**in' long. Get the f** out of the house! Very simple: If there's a ghost in the house, get the f** out! And not only did they stay in the house with the poltergeist, they invite more people over! Sitting around going: "Our daughter Carroll-Ann's in the television set." I would have been gone. If I had a daughter, went down to the precinct and say "Look man, I went home my f**ing daughter's in the t.v. set and I just f**ing left." You can have all this, I ain't going back to the motherf**er. I just came down so when she ain't at the school you don't think I k**ed the b**h or anything like that. But she is inside the tv set you can have all that sh**. Thank you. "Mr. Murphy didn't you try to save your daughter?" Yeah, I'm a man, see I tried to save her I turned the channels the sh** didn't work. I got the f** out. The kid was only 6 years old in the movie, they couldn't have been to attached to her. In the amityville horror the ghost told them to get out of the house. White people stayed in there. Now that's a hint and a half for your a**. A ghost say get the f** out, I would just tip the f** out the door! Lou Walker looked in the toilet bowl, the're was blood in the toilet. And said, "That's peculiar." I would've been in the house saying: "Oh baby this is beautiful." "We got a chandelier hanging up here, kids outside playing. Its a beautiful neighbourhood." "We ain't got nuttin to worry, I really love it this is really nice." "GET OUT!" "Too bad we can't stay, baby!" You know, I wanna say something. I think maybe like 30 years ago there was a woman that wanted to sing, a black lady wanted to sing opera...What was her name ? Mary Anderson? And this place was like segregated and she couldn't sing here. And she couldn't sing in the place. And here we are, like not even 50 years later, A 22 year old black male on stage getting paid to hold his dick. God bless America! I gotta go now. Y'all take it easy, bye bye!