Eddie Izzard - Dress to k** lyrics

1. City of Snakes Eddie runs on stage, jumping around. In heels as well! Yeah. Runs around some more. Yes, I'm a professional transvestite so I can run about in heels and not fall over, ‘cause,you know, if women fall over wearing heels, that's embarra**ing; but if a bloke falls over wearing heels, then you have to k** yourself! It's the end of your life, it's quite difficult. So, San Francisco! singing San Francisco, San Francisco… Not “San Fran,” no, apparently not! I didn't know that, I would've said “San Fran,” but you'd go, “No, we don't like “San Fran,” f** it!” Or what's the other one you don't…? Oh, Frisco! You don't like that either. ( audience hissing ) And you're a city of snakes, I see! ( Eddie hisses ) Everyone goes to a gig with a snake in their bag. ( hisses ) No other cities have snakes as much as you. I've been to New York, no f**ing snakes; Paris, no snakes; London, no snakes. San Francisco, full of f**ing snakes! ( hisses ) We did that at school! So you call it ( rolling eyes ) “The City.” ( mocking sounds ) “The City.” And you don't tell tourists about the weather in July and August. You don't f**ing tell anyone. They're all going around in summer shirts, going, “Jesus Christ!(mimes fighting through fog) I can't see! I can't see! Fog! There's fog!” And it really shifts it, your fog! I saw John Carpenter's film, “The Fog,” seen it a few times, and that fog shifts it. I thought, “Well, that's Hollywood, that's fog moving really fast,” but your fog is that speed! ( mimes running ) Busy, busy, busy! It could be late to get in someone's face somewhere! It runs down the road, doesn't it? Faster than the f**ing taxis! pause Of which there are five… I don't know what that's about. You're a no-taxi city, aren't you? Five taxis, all going, “I got people in.” Hours! (sounds of taxis speeding by ) Then, when you get in, they don't know where they're going. I had to tell the guy, “Get in the back, I'll drive!” He's sitting in the back, going, “Well, I don't know… I've only lived here four million years!” Cable cars are fun. Everyone gets on board and becomes a rhesus monkey. No one talks on a cable car, they just hang and stare… And the guy in the front, with no steering wheel, going, “What the f**? What the f**'s this one?” Pulling levers, levers… Is it four levers that just do f**all? That it? He's always ringing that bell, going, “Help! Help!” ( imitates bell clanging ) Endless bell ringing! What is he, the Hunchback of Notre Dame? The bell… Him and the guy from the stock market are the same person, I think. At the end of the stock market, they ring a bell. It's the same bell. Oh, yes. ( mimes writing ) “Never link those two together again.” 2. Squirrels in Makeup Yes, so I was going to be in the army when I was a kid. Yes. I say that, and people go, “Oh, yeah, yeah!” No, I was, I was going to be in the army when I was a kid. ‘Cause if you're a transvestite, you're actually a male tomboy, that's where the s**uality is. Yeah, it's not drag queen, no; gay men have got that covered. This is male tomboy, and people do get that mixed up, they put transvestite there - no no no no! Little bit of a crowbar separation, thank you! And gay men, I think, would agree. It's male lesbian, that's really where it is, ok? Because… it's true! ‘Cause most transvestites fancy girls, fancy women. So that's where it is. So it's “running, jumping, climbing trees, putting on makeup when you're up there.” That's where it is! I used to keep my makeup in a squirrel hole, up the tree. The squirrel would keep makeup on one side, and he'd keep nuts on the other side. And sometimes I'd get up that tree, and that squirrel would be covered in makeup! ( mimes squirrel putting on makeup ) "La la, la la… Oh! ( mimes squirrel eating ) What?! f** off!" He seemed to say. And squirrels always eat nuts with two hands, always two hands, and occasionally, they stop and go ( gasps ), as if they're going, "Did I leave the gas on? No! I'm a f**ing squirrel!" And occasionally they go, "f**ing nuts! Fed up with them always. I long for a grapefruit." Yeah. So that's very much like the army-- the running, jumping, climbing trees is, not the squirrel bit-- the trees bit. And I was! I loved the army stuff, which is the running, jumping, standing still, “Found you,” ah-ah, flag, “Look,” hat, you know. Bang! I liked all that stuff, the gun thing… I liked blowing up milk bottles. You know, k** the milk bottles. Boom! Explode milk bottles. Yes. It seems fun - there's this thing of power in you hands. There's all this National Rifle Association and everyone in America is - I mean, 13 year olds keep going out and they get hold of weapons from their grandfather's arsenal! "I'll borrow the Howitzer, the M16 machine gun, the Uzi…" What the f**'s the grandfather doing?! This kid down in Arkansas just helped himself to a ton of military weapons, and went and blew away his school! And the National Rifle Association says that, "Guns don't k** people, people do,” but I think the gun helps, you know? I think it helps. I just think just standing there going, "Bang!" That's not going to k** too many people, is it? You'd have to be really dodgy on the heart to have that… ( imitates gunfire noises ) I think they should just try that, you know. But yeah, shooting clay pigeons, I think, yeah, go for that. Shooting clay pigeons, they're f**ers! Come round your house, whiz through ( fly-by noises ) They do nothing, they don't even eat flies! You know? Spiders eat flies, so they're all right, keep them, you know? Flies don't eat f**all, so k** 'em! And clay pigeons - everyone shoots them in the air. Wait 'til they land! Then go up to the clay pigeon... ( shoots ) Much easier. Yeah. So! I didn't join the army, as you might have noticed... Yeah, ‘cause there's not much makeup in the army, is there? No? They only have that night-time look, and that's a bit slapdash, isn't it? And they look a mess! So you can't join, even though the American armed forces have a distinct policy of "don't ask, don't tell" towards the alternative s**ualities. If you're a bloke wearing a lot of makeup, you know… I don't think they need to ask, really! And so you can't join, they go, "No, no, you can't.It's the wrong shade of lipstick for the Army, I'm afraid..." And they're missing a huge opportunity here, ‘cause we all know one of the main elements of attack is the element of surprise, and so what could be more surprising than the 1st Battalion Transvestite Brigade? Airborne wing! The airborne wing parachuting into dangerous areas with fantastic makeup! And a fantastic gun! And the opposing forces going, "f**ing ‘ell, look at these guys! Look at that! They've got guns. They've got guns! Jesus, they've got guns!" Ah, bugger. I was so surprised! Were you surprised? I was surprised. Anyway, so yes, sooo… Also, if you're a transvestite, you get lumped into that weirdo grouping, you know? When I was in New York, there was a guy in the Bronx whowas living in a cave…like you do, and he was coming out and shooting at geese and… ( chuckles ) a lot of weird things going on with this guy; and the police picked him up and they found a collection of women's shoes, and they thought, "Maybe he's a transvestite.” And if he is, he's a f**ing weirdo transvestite! I'm much more in the executive transvestite area. Travel the world, yes, it's much more executive. Like J. Edgar Hoover, what a f**head he was! They found out when he died that he was a transvestite, and they go, "Well, that explains his weird behavior!" Yeah, f**ing weirdo transvestite! ( pointing to himself )Executive transvestite. It's a lot wider community, more wide than you'd think… 3. History Yes, and I grew up in Europe, where the history comes from. Oh, yeah. You tear your history down, man! “30 years old, let's smash it to the floor and put a car park here!" I have seen it in stories. I saw something in a program on something in Miami, and they were saying, "We've redecorated this building to how it looked over 50 years ago!" And people were going, "No, surely not, no. No one was alive then!" Well, we got tons of history lying about the place, big old castles, and they just get in the way. We're driving-- "Oh, a f**ing castle! Have to drive around it..." Disney came over and built Euro Disney, and they built the Disney castle there, and it was, "You better make it a bit bigger, they've actually got them here... And they're not made of plastic!" We got tons of them, ‘cause you think we all live in castles, and we do all live in castles! We all got a castle each. We're up to here with f**ing castles! We just long for a bungalow or something. And I grew up in the 70s, when the careers advisor used to come to school, and he used to get the kids together and say, "Look, I advise you to get a career, what can I say? That's it." And he took me aside, he said, "Whatcha you want to do, kid? Whatcha you want to do? Tell me, tell me your dreams!" "I want to be a space astronaut! Go to outer space, discover things that have never been discovered." He said, "Look, you're British, so scale it down a bit, all right?" "All right, I want to work in a shoe shop then! Discover shoes that no one's ever discovered right in the back of the shop, on the left." And he said, "Look, you're British, so scale it down a bit, all right?" "All right, I want to work in a sewer then! Discover sewage that no one's ever discovered, and pile it on my head, then come to the surface and sell myself to an art gallery." He said, "What the f** have you been smoking, eh? Certainly you haven't been smoking in a bar in California, that's for certain!" ‘Cause you can't! No, no smoking in bars now, and soon, no drinking and no talking! Be careful, California! You're supposed to be the crazy state, the out there, the wild ones, you know? In the future, everyone's going to say, "Come down to the library, we'll have a wild time, shall we? “ ( mimes dragging on a joint ) “Don't know where that f**ing book is, mate, it could be anywhere! There's a lot of 'em about!" Yeah,so, yes, so that was it. There was a spirit of ex-empire, this thing of “things can't be done," whereas in America, I thought there was a spirit of "can be done!" The pioneer thing. "Go do it, what do you want to do?" “I want to put babies on spikes." "Go then! Go!” It's the American Dream! "Hi! I'm Crazy Eddie! I put babies on spikes. Do you want a rack of babies? We've got babies on racks! Mmm, they taste of chicken!" They do! Babies taste of chicken! Cannibals say that human flesh tastes of chicken, so babies must taste of chicken. And chicken tastes of humans. ( nervous laughter from audience ) Good, I'm glad you're coming with me on that. Yes, so this is all true. And so, yes. Soin Europe, we had empires. Everyone had them - France and Spain and Britain and Turkey! The Ottoman Empire, full of furniture for some reason. And the Austro-Hungarian Empire, famous for f** all! Yes, all they did was slowly collapse like a flan in a cupboard. And the German empire, very organized, they'd always build an empire, “ein, zwei, ein, zwei, “build an empire, very Prussian, and then they'd celebrate with a World War! And then lose the whole f**ing empire by the end of the war. In the 30s, Hitler, Czechoslovakia, Poland, France, World War II... the Russian front, not a good idea...! Hitler never played “Risk” when he was a kid...! ‘Cause, you know, playing “Risk,” you could never hold on to Asia. That Asian-Eastern European area, you could never hold it, could you? Seven extra men at the beginning of every go, but you couldn't f**ing hold it! Australasia, that was the one! Australasia, all the purple ones! Get everyone on Papua New Guinea and just build up and build up... And Hitler ended up in a ditch, covered in petrol, on fire, so, that's fun! I think that's funny, ‘cause he was a ma**-murdering f**head. And that was his honeymoon as well! Double trouble! "Eva, let's marry." "Where should our honeymoon be?" "Well, in a ditch, covered in petrol, on fire. I've already arranged it upstairs." "Oh, how romantic, Adolf." "Yes, I thought!" Fun! What a ba*tard! And he was a vegetarian, and a painter, so he must have been going, "I can't get the f**ing trees… Damn! I will k** everyone in the world!" And he was a ma**-murdering f**head, as many important historians have said. But there were other ma** murderers that got away with it! Stalin k**ed many millions, died in his bed, well done there; Pol Pot k**ed 1.7 million Cambodians, died under house arrest at age 72, well done indeed! And the reason we let them get away with it is because they k**ed their own people, and we're sort of fine with that. “Ah, help yourself,” you know? “We've been trying to k** you for ages!” So k** your own people, right on there. Seems to be… Hitler k**ed people next door... “Oh… stupid man!” After a couple of years, we won't stand for that, will we? Pol Pot k**ed 1.7 million people. We can't even deal with that! You know, we think if somebody k**s someone, that's murder, you go to prison. You k** 10 people, you go to Texas, they hit you with a brick, that's what they do. 20 people, you go to a hospital, they look through a small window at you forever. And over that, we can't deal with it, you know? Someone's k**ed 100,000 people. We're almost going, "Well done! You k**ed 100,000 people? You must get up very early in the morning. I can't even get down the gym! Your diary must look odd: “Get up in the morning, d**h, d**h, d**h, d**h, d**h, d**h, d**h – lunch- d**h, d**h, d**h -afternoon tea - d**h, d**h, d**h - quick shower…" So I suppose we're glad that Pol Pot's under house arrest… you know, 1.7 million people. At least he - we know where he is - under house arrest! Just don't go in that f**ing house, you know? I know a lot of people who'd love to be under house arrest! They bring you your food… "Just stay here? Oh, all right. (singing laconically ) Have you got any videos?" You know, you just sit there all day... And Pol Pot was a history teacher. And Hitler was a vegetarian painter. So... ma**-murderers come from the areas you least expect it. I don't know how the flip comes over, but it happens. So, yeah. There was a lot of that, and we built up empires - we stole countries! That's what you do,that's how you build an empire. We stole countries with the cunning use of flags! Yeah, just sail around the world and stick a flag in. "I claim India for Britain!" They go, "You can't claim us, we live here! 500 million of us!" "Do you have a flag?" "We don't need a bloody flag! It's our country, you ba*tards!" "No flag, no country, you can't have one! That's the rules that I've just made up, and I'm backing it up with this gun that was lent from the National Rifle Association." That was it, you know? 4. Royal Genetics And Queen Victoria became Empress of India. She never even f**ing went there, you know? She was one of our more frumpy queens… they're all frumpy, aren't they? Because it's a bad idea when cousins marry! Bottom of the gene pool, you know. You're just scraping the barrel there, “We've haven't got enough for any more of you royals there, sorry.” First rule of genetics: spread the genes apart! But the royals are just obsessed with, "Are you a royal family? Are you a royal member? Well, then you can marry me ‘cause you're same gene pool, and our IQs will go down the toilet.” Fantastic! That's why there's no crazy royals, they're all kind of, "Hello! Hello, what do you do? You're a plumber! What on Earth is that?" So yeah. And after World War II, all the empires sort of dissolved. And we didn't - we came first inWorld War II, but we were financially f**ed by the end, ‘cause there was a period of time where it was just us and the Nazis, and they'd been making weapons for ages! They had a head start! We were going, "Get the tanks out! Get the… we haven't got any tanks? Then get that ice cream van out there! Get it out there! k**! All right,f** it. ( mimes making ice cones and throwing them ) f** off! Everything! Just throw everything at them! Just… that's not… harder! Orange fruities! And Zooms! Throw the Zooms! f** off, you ba*tards! Pots and pans! Get pots… just throw the pots and pans at them!" So by the time America came in - ‘cause you were watching a U.S. cavalry film, ‘cause the U.S. cavalry always comes in right just towards the end of the film - ( sings charge melody ) "Ok, let's go America!" ( charge melody ) "I love the smell of Europe in the morning! So, how're you doing?", we were going, "f**ing ‘ell, where've you been?" "Ah, having breakfast. So, what's going on, hey?" So, America did well, Russia did well, and deservedly so, because half a million American soldiers died, half a million British soldiers died, and about 26 million Russian soldiers died. Soldiers and civilians, and that's just 50 times as many. It's just un-f**ing-believable, you know, and no one mentions it! These are just figures I discovered. That's why they put up…'cause, I mean, Napoleon had been steaming in there 100 years before: "I'm going to k** them, I'm going to k** them, going to… Oh, it's a bit cold, it's a bit cold. Right! Ok, ok, bad idea." And then Hitler, "I've got a better idea, got a better idea… Oh, it's the same idea! It's the same idea, it's the same idea..." So no wonder they set up the Eastern Bloc! They wanted a buffer zone. It wasn't fair, but that's what they did. So that's where they're coming from. And about 20 million Nazi Germans died, but they did start it, they did start that one. And, yeah, so it was that,and France hated them all ‘cause Southern France was collaborating with the Germans, embarra**ing! So since then, they've been kind of spiky and kind of, French... I'm very positive on the French, my family way back was French, so I go with it, but they are kind of, well, f**ing French at times... "All of Europe, you must do this!" "Well… we're not gonna! We're gonna have a sandwich." And Germany and Japan, they do seem to have a natural instinct in a very generalized way for organization and being military, but,you know, there's a very strong Green Party there now, kids with beards, it's getting okay, and I just think Japan and Germany should be the peacekeepers of the world. They should be parachuted in; whenever something breaks out, parachute Germans and Japanese in. They'll go, "Look, we've done this before, we've done the k**ing. Hello! Take it from us, just chill out!" And then, they'd organize peace really quickly. "All right, peace, peace, peace, peace is organized!” It could be brilliant if they could do that. That's their destiny, man! Yeah. Italy invented fascism in 1922. Mussolini said, "Right, we're all fascists!" but most Italian people are always on scooters going, "Ciao!" And they're into football, and life, and they're not fascists, you know? He said, "We're all fascists!" "All right, ciao!" No helmet on… ( imitates scooter running ) All those 50s films, like “Roman Holiday,” it's just like that! Everyone's just cool and hangs out. 5. Strategic Sheep So after World War II, the whole world was going, "Come on, Europe, give these countries back. Come on, we just had a bloody war; let's give 'em back. Britain?" "Wha'?" "What's that behind your back?" "Oh, it's India and a number of other countries." "Give 'em back." "Oh, all right. There's that one there, and there's that one…” “Falkland Islands?” “Oh, we need the Falkland Islands... for strategic sheep purposes!" Yeah. And then it was a case of no empire no longer. But in America, it was different. The founding fathers landed in 16 ( mumbles ). They set off from Plymouth and landed in Plymouth! How lucky is that? "This is Plymouth? We've just come from Plymouth! We've gone round in a circle. Lads, back on the boats." They finally got there and said, "Ah, this is where our God has brought us to! We can practice our religion here, we can raise a family. There's nobody here! Excuse me… There's nobody here! Yes, a land empty of human existence… Who the f** are these guys? ( mimes the headdress) What's all this, please? No, we don't want any of your food, thank you very much! Just put some clothes on!" Meanwhile, that winter… "Excuse me, do you have any food?(mimes the headdress) I love all this, love the idea! ( chuckles ) Yes, I'm sorry, we were a bit brusque when we first arrived, we didn't realize you owned the entire country! But you have no system of ownership? Mmm, interesting! Maybe that can come in useful later… Food! Thank you very much, very nice... Yes, there're more of us coming but we'll keep our promises." So the American government lied to the Native Americans for many, many years, and then President Clinton lied about a relationship, and everyone was surprised! A little naïve, I feel! Everyone f**ing lies! When we were kids, we lied our heads off! "I didn't do it! I was… I wasn't…I was dead at the time! I was on the Moon! With Steve!" And your Dad's going, "I haven't evenaccused you of anything yet." "Oh, all right. Well… what is… what's the que… well, I… I… well… what?" "Did you brush your teeth?" "No… yes… what's correct? Anywa … yeah. I was dead at the time!" Then when you're more mature, you do start telling the truth in odd situations. "I'm sorry, I've broken the gla**, I've broken this… is that expensive? I've broke it. I'll pay for that, I'm sorry." And you do that so people in the room might go, "What a strong personality that person has. I like to have s** with people with strong personalities.""And I've broke other things, I smashed that, and that's gone, and I've just thrown the cat out the window and..." Oh, yeah! So, perjury, you know! If you commit perjury, I don't care, don't give a sh**. I don't think you should because you grade murder. You have murder one, murder two; you realize that there can be a difference in the level of murder, so there must be a difference in the level of perjury. Perjury one is when you're saying there's no Holocaust when 10 million people have died in it, and perjury... nine, is when you said you shagged someone when you didn't. You know, it's... So yes, so in America, the Native American situation, and slavery didn't do very well.And in Europe now we've a new thing: the European Union. 500 million people, 200 languages - no one's got a clue what there saying to each other! But it's the cutting edge of politics, in a very extraordinarily boring way. Because we've got 15 different countries in the European Union at the moment and trying to get them to decide anything is a little bit, "Which… wha… is it… oh no, here, back up, you… oh, you're in with him! Uh-huh, I'm with… Oh, you're with him!" you know. For 18 years we had a government in Britain who was a right-wing government and their policy towards Europe was one of, "No! No! No! I can't! ( singing with his fingers in his ears )" And now we've got a government whose policy is more, "Bonjour! Hola! Tak! Da! ( mimes playing banjo ) Ciao!" Britain needs to be in the driving seat of Europe. In the driving seat, or in the pa**enger seat, that's pretty good, you know, ‘cause you can take a sleep for a little bit... "Are we there yet?" At the moment, Britain's not even in the European car. We're outside the car, at the traffic lights, going, "We're going to clean your windows, all right?" Yes. And we had the Pagans in Britain. You didn't really have the Pagans here. You had the Native Americans and it was much more of a warrior, aboriginal-type existence, and... we had the Pagans. They were into s**, d**h, and religion in an interesting night-time telly type of way. And we had the Druids! Long white robes, long white beards, early transvestites, didn't get their shaving together; and they built Stonehenge, one of the biggest henges in the world. No one's built a henge like that ever since. No one knows what the f** a henge is! Before Stonehenge, there was Woodhenge and Strawhenge, but a big bad wolf came and blew them down, and three little piggies were relocated to the projects. But they built Stonehenge, and it's built in an area called Salisbury Plain in the South of England. The area of Salisbury Plain where they built it is very ( eerie chanting ), ‘cause that's good, you know. It's a mystical thing; build it in a mystical area. You don't want to build it in an area that's ( singing upbeat jazzy tune ). No, there you build Trump Tower. But yeah, so they built it there. And the stones! The stones are 50 foot high, 30 foot long, 20 foot deep, and other measurements as well! And they're not from ‘round there, that's the amazing thing! Remember, this is B.C. ( mumbles). This was before the B.C./A.D. changeover,when everyone was going, “Is it A.D. yet?” ( mimes adjusting watch ) You didn't have to wind your watch back, you had to get a new bloody watch! “Oh, it's A.D., isn't it? f**ing ‘ell!” And the m**m people going, "A.D? Who's he?" Yes. ( hearty laugh from audience member ) Good laugh there! So, yeah, the stones are from 200 miles away,in Wales, so these guys in Wales were obviously carving the rocks out of the very living mountain... "Fantastic, building a henge, are we? That's a fantastic idea! That's a marvelous religion the Druids have got! Yes, got a lot of white clothing, I like that. There we go!" And they smashed out a huge stone and then they put tree trunks down to roll it along on. "All right, walk it along, here we go, here we go." "Help you push 'em along? It's not far, is it?" And the Druids going, "Heave, everyone, heave! Well done, everyone, you're doing very well! You'll love it when you see it. I've seen some of the drawings already, it's very special." After 200 miles… "You f**ing ba*tards! You never told us 200 miles! 200 miles in this day and age - I don't even know where I live now! ( sighs ) I wish the Christians would hurry up and get here!" And they set all the stones up and the Druids still there tinkering around going, "No, that stone and this one - can we swap them around?" So that was the Pagans. And then the Romans came along with their gods that they had borrowed from the Greeks. They invaded Greece,conquered them and stole all their gods... and renamed them with Roman names, ‘cause the Roman gods before that were kind of crap, you know - Geoff, the god of biscuits, and Simon, the god of hairdos… You know, they had the God of War, the God of Thunder, the God of Running Around and Jumping, and stuff. "Oh, let's get some of those! Thank God they've got some gods, ‘cause we have these crap gods, you know?" Yes, the Emperor Fabulous put that into operation and... There should have been an Emperor Fabulous, shouldn't there? "I am the Emperor Fabulous!" "Oh, yes, so you are." "Yes. And my son, Fabulous II, and him… really interesting guy... “ So yeah, and the Romans went Christian and then we had Christianity for about 1500 years. You know, Catholicism, we believed in the teachings of Cathol, and everything it stood for... Then Henry VIII came along. Henry VIII, a big, hairy king, and he said to the Pope, the head of the Catholic Church: "Mr. Pope! I'm going to marry my first wife, and then I'm going to divorce her. Now, I know what you're going to say but stick with me, my story gets better. I'm going to marry my second wife and then I'm gong to k** her, cut her head off! Ah, not expecting that, are ya? Third wife, gonna shoot her. Fourth wife, put her into a bag. Fifth wife, into outer space. Sixth wife, on a Rotissimat. Seventh wife, made out of jam. Eighth wife…” ( makes sound similar to putting babies on spikes ) And the Pope's going, ( Italian accent )"You crazy bugger! You can't do all this! What are you, a Mormon? You can't marry all these people! It's illegal! You can't do all this! I am the Pope, I am the head of the Church, I have to keep up… ciao! I have to keep up standards. What have you been reading, the gospel according to St. ba*tard?" So Henry VIII, who was Sean Connery for this film, said: ( imitating Sean Connery ) "Well then, I will set up a new religion in this country. I will set up the Psychotic ba*tard religion." And an advisor said, "Why not call it Church of England, Sire?" "Church of England, actually. Much better... Even though I'm Scottish myself." So they did! That's the birth of Church of England, the birth of the Anglican Church! Disgusting, eh? That's no basis to start a religion on! Nothing to do with the Protestant church,I mean,Henry just shagged and k**ed a lot of women and then stole all the money off the monasteries. You know, rape and pillage, that is! The Protestant faith was different. That started probably around a similar time, but that was about Martin Luther, this German guy who pinned a note on a church door saying, " 'ang on a minute!" But in German, so, "Ein Minuten, bitte. Ich habe einen kleinen Problemo avec diese Religione." He was from everywhere. So yeah and so the Protestant faith was sort of tacked on by Queen Elizabeth I a bit later. "Oh, principles! Thank God! We've got some principles." Nowadays, Church of England is much more, "Hello, how are you?" Much more a hobby-type... "Hello!" A lot of people in Church of England have no muscles in their arms. "Hello, yes... ( chuckles ) Yes, that's what I thought. ( chuckles ) Do come in, you're the only one today! Now the sermon today is taken from a magazine that I found in a hedge. Now lipstick colors this season are in the frosted pink area and nail colors to match... And this reminds me rather of our Lord Jesus! Because surely, when Jesus went into Nazareth on a donkey, he must have got tarted up a bit…” 6. Jeezy Creezy “We will now sing hymn 405, "Oh God, What on Earth Is My Hairdo All About?" ( drearily )"Oh God, what on earth is my hai-airdo..." There's something weird, something phenomenally dreary about Christian singing. The Gospel singers are the only singers that just go crazy, joyous and it's f**ing amazing! And it's born out of kidnapping, imprisonment, slavery, murder, all of that - and this joyous singing! And the Church of England, well, all those sort of Christian religions, which is mainly Caucasian white people, with all the power and money - enough power and money to make Solomon blush, and they're all singing, ( dirge-like ) "Oh, God, our hope in ages past, our hope for years..." They're the only groups of people that could sing, "Hallelujah" without feeling like it's a "Hallelujah!" thing. ( drearily ) "Hallelujah, hallelujah, joyfully we lark about." It's just not kicking, is it?God must be up there going, "What on Earth is that?" God, who is James Mason. (Imitating Mason ) "What on earth is that, Jesus? Jesus Christ! What on earth is that?" "Don't take my name in vain, Dad!" "Jeezy Creezy, what on Earth is that?" "Don't call me Jeezy Creezy! Look Dad, I went down there, I taught 'em to be hang out, be groovy, drink a bit of wine, they split into different groups! You've got the Catholics, the Protestants, the Jesuits, the Methodists, the Evangelicals, the free Presbyterians, the locked up Presbyterians... the Quakers, the Bakers, the Candlestick Makers... The Mormons are from Mars, Dad, we've had that checked out." "And what does the Holy Ghost think of all this?" "Oh, he's useless, Dad. Got a sheet over his head these days." ( spookily ) "Oh... Holy Ghost! Holy Ghost... Holy Ghost!" "Holy Ghost, this is not an episode of Scooby Doo!" "I would have succeeded if it wasn't for those pesky God and Jesus fellows!" Cause Shaggy and Scooby are interesting characters. They're two of the most major characters in American literature. Because, and I mean this sincerely, and I think it's fantastic, because they are cowards. They are cowardly characters - they believe in cowardice and sandwiches. And can you think of any in the whole realm of the English-speaking literature that are characters like that? Cowardly characters that you identify with. ‘Cause you identify with them, you're with them all the way! "Go Shaggy! Go Scooby!" The rest of the guys who drive the van, "f** off!" Scrappy Doo, a Magnum... ( shoots ) "Thank you, Granddad." ( general laughter ) Well remembered. But Shaggy and Scooby; the only other character, I mean, tell me now if you can think of any character ‘cause I'm willing to learn, but somebody mentioned Falstaff. A Shakespearean character!It's that level of greatness! Falstaff, you sort of identify with him, but he has a melancholy with him. But Shaggy and Scooby are upbeat all the time, saying ( imitates Scooby Doo talking ) And you love 'em! You're with 'em! There's part of us that - Shaggy and Scooby at every stage of the way. So if you travel around the world, and, you know, ‘cause your American foreign policy does give you a difficult time to exist around the world, two tricks: one, say you're Canadian, that helps. It works in Europe, it's very good! And the second is just say, "Shaggy and Scooby." And they go "Shaggy and Scooby!" International credit card, I think! So yeah. 7. Church of England Fundamentals So the Pagan religion I don't know a huge amount about, but it was this earthy thing. Christianity had split into many different areas - Catholicism still has the fire and brimstone,( beating drum ) "Row, you ba*tards!” You know... Original sin! What a hellish idea that is! People have to go, "Father, bless me for I have sinned, I did an original sin… I poked a badger with a spoon." "I've never heard of that one before! Five Hail Mary's and two Hello, Dolly's." "Oh, all right..." "Bless me, Father, for I have slept with my next door neighbor's wife." "Heard it! I want an original sin." "Oh, I'm terribly sorry!" The Anglican faith doesn't have that. You'll never go, "Vicar, I have done many bad things." "Well, so have I." "What shall I do?" "Well, drink five Bloody Marys and you won't remember." Because the Anglican faith had a lack of principles for a long time. You can't get really headstrong about it. You can't say, you know, like the Islamic jihads that we hear bout. We get scared about those Islamic jihads. I think we do a**ume that everyone who is into the Islamic religion is having a jihad every other bloody day. There's a lot of very relaxed Islamic people, and we got to understand - remember, this is very important - and we do a**ume that jihads are just like, you know,everyday three jihads are issued by every individual. It just seems they're everywhere . "The fruit shop shortchanged me! A f**ing jihad on them!" Bump into someone, say, "Hey! A f**ing jihad on you!" "How many jihads have you got going now, Dad?" "Well, 24. God, it's difficult to keep up with them!" I just don't think that's happening. But you can't do that in Church of England, you can't say, "You must have tea and cake with the Vicar, or you die!" You can't have extreme points of view, you know. The Spanish Inquisition wouldn't have worked with Church of England. "Talk! Will you talk!" "But it hurts!" "Well, loosen it up a bit, will you? Fine..." ‘Cause that's what it would be. "Tea and cake or d**h? Tea and cake or d**h? Tea and cake or d**h!" Students with beards, ( mimes demonstrating with picket signs ) "Tea and cake or d**h! Tea and cake or d**h! Little Red Cookbook! Little Red Cookbook!" ‘Cause, "Cake or d**h?" That's a pretty easy question. Anyone could answer that. "Cake or d**h?" "Eh, cake please." "Very well! Give him cake!" "Oh, thanks very much. It's very nice." "You! Cake or d**h?" “Uh, cake for me, too, please." "Very well! Give him cake, too! We're gonna run out of cake at this rate. You! Cake or d**h?" "Uh, d**h, please. No, cake! Cake! Cake, sorry. Sorry..." "You said d**h first, uh-uh, d**h first!" "Well, I meant cake!" "Oh, all right. You're lucky I'm Church of England!" Cake or d**h?" "Uh, cake please." "Well, we're out of cake! We only had three bits and we didn't expect such a rush. So what do you want?" "Well, so my choice is 'or d**h'? I'll have the chicken then, please. “Taste of human, sir. Would you like a white wine? There you go, thank you very much.” “ Thank you for flying Church of England, cake or d**h?" “I asked for the vegetarian." "Ah, yes, the vegetarian, yes! There we go, Mr. Hitler. There we go... Like a bit of wine? Thank you very much...you Nazi sh**head!" So, yeah. So the Pagan religion had very big festivals, remember, on Easter and Christmas. The Christian religion came along and had very big festivals, at Easter and Christmas. Jesus died on one and was born on the other. ( doubting sounds ) ‘Cause Jesus I do think did exist, and he was, I think, a guy who had interesting ideas in the Gandhi-type area, in the Nelson Mandela-type area, you know, relaxed and groovy; and the Romans thought, "Relaxed and groovy?! No, no, no, no, no!" So they murdered him. And kids eat chocolate eggs, because of the color of the chocolate, and the color of the... wood on the cross. Well, you tell me! It's got nothing to do with it, has it? You know, people going, "Remember, kids," the kids who're eating the chocolate eggs, "Jesus died for your sins." "Yeah, I know, it's great!” “No, no no, it's bad, it's bad!” “ No, it's bad! It's very bad. It's terrible! Whatever you want, just keep giving me these eggs." And the bunny rabbits! Where do they come into the crucifixion? There were no bunny rabbits up on the hill going, "Hey, what, are you going to put those crosses in our warrens? We live below this hill, all right?" Bunny rabbits are for shagging, eggs are for fertility. It's a festival - it's the spring festival! Christmastime, you know, Jesus born to a big jolly guy in a red jacket. "Ho, ho, ho! Ho, ho, ho, baby Jesus! And what would you like for Christmas?" "Peace on Earth and goodwill towards men." "Well, what about a clockwork train?" "Oh, yes, much better. Forget peace on earth, I don't care.” And, you know, the Christmas fir tree, there's none of them in Nazareth. The “partridge in a pear tree” song was not sung at the Last Supper. They weren't there going, " 'And a partridge in a pear tree. Five goold rings!' Come on, loosen up, Judas." "Oh, all right..." " 'On the seventh day of Christmas...' Judy, come on, Judy, loosen up." "Don't call me Judy, I've told you!" "Oh! Can you lend us a fiver, Judy? I'm a bit short." "All right, lads, Leonardo da Vinci's painting the picture, so everyone get your positions, here we go.""Jesus, why are you doing the big arms thing?" "Well, I don't know… I just thought I'd do a big arms thing, I don't know." "Well, I'm going to do a big arms thing as well." "Yeah, me too! I'll call that the big arms..." "Look, we can't all do big arms! We'll look like a squadron of Spitfires, for f**'s sake! I'll do big arms and you just look at me and go, 'Ooh, he's doing big arms.' " "All right." "Leonardo, have you got that one? Have you got the painting? All right, now a fun one as well, ‘member...( mocking laughter ) " 8. God Attack The Queen That “Partridge in a pear tree” song, the only bit we like of it is that,( singing )"Five gold rings!" People go berserk at that point! People come running in from other rooms, ( singing ) "Five gold rings!" The rest of it, we don't know; above that, it's just,( singing, uncertain ) "Twelve…monkeys mating, eleven… donkeys dancing, ten pigmies farming, nine… socks… a swimming…( certain ) five gold rings!" This is a human thing. We only like to learn a little bit of a song. We can't be bothered, yeah. The American national anthem I've noticed is a bit hazy in the middle! ‘Cause it starts strong and you finish strong, but the middle bit's a bit, ( singing ) "And fish in the sky, and a big… monkey pie..." I've seen guys up there, halfway through, just losing it. "What the f** is it?" "I came second, I'm from Turkey! I don't know! Would you like some furniture?” But in Britain we don't win many gold medals at the Olympics… because we've chosen not to! It's a political statement! Because we hate our national anthem. Because it's “God Save the Queen,” you see? “God Save the Queen.” Now the Queen lives in a very big house, she has barbed wire outside, and people with guns in front of that. That's one saved f**ing queen, I'll tell you! That's the problem! She's overly saved! She has no idea of the struggle of human existence. We have to work for a living, raise a family… we don't have nannies all running around the place. It's what you've got to do in your life, you know?So it's "God Save the Queen." No! It's too saved. It's "God Attack the Queen," that's what it should be! ( singing ) "God attack the Queen, send big dogs after her that bite her bum. Let them chase after her and rip her knickers off..." That'd be fantastic! Then she'd have to fight the crazy dog with a handbag with a brick inside of it. "Crazy dog! Crazy dog!" "Arrgghh, k** the Queen!" "No - crazy dog!" And maybe she'd k** the crazy dog and everyone in Britain would go, "Hey, fair play to the Queen,- k**ed the crazy dog." And the Queen would have self-respect for the first time in her life! Yes. It would work. It'd be fantabulous. But in America, you win the gold medal, I've seen you at the Olympics. You stand there, hand on the hearts… You and the Roman Empire are the only people who've ever done that, so be very careful! ‘Cause you're the new Roman Empire, you realize that? There's no one else going! ‘Cause the only other big power is China, I supposed, but they're going, “Ah… oh…” kind of thing. 1.000 million, but they're all just getting ready. But you're the Roman Empire, yeah! So you've got vomitoriums and orgies to look forward to… Let the President lead the way! ‘Cause no one cares in America and… I don't know. In Europe, we're just watching you, and going, “What are you doing?” ‘Cause in France they wouldn't care, and in Britain, they'd get shot. If the Prime Minister had done something, everyone would go, ( mumbling sheepishly ). “Can the government say what was happening on the recent affair with the Prime Minister?” “Well, the government would like to say ( more mumbling ).” “Thank you.” But you do sing the national anthem - I've seen you singing the national anthem, and I've worked out how to do it. If you're lost in the middle of it and you're singing the words, becausethe Tannoy systems at big stadiums, you know, it doesn't matter wherever you're singing it. All that people care about is the look,because there's figures on this. 70% of what people react to is the look, you know, it's how you look; and 20% is about how you sound; and only 10% is what you say. So if you look good and sound good, just up there going, ( sings gibberish to a few bars of The Star Spangled Banner ) Big mouth! ( more gibberish to a few more bars ) The eyes! ( more gibberish ) Use that! ( more gibberish ) And keep confirming and denying things. ( more gibberish, up to the words 'Star spangled banner yet wave' )Everyone will go wild! Oh, yeah, oh yeah! 9. Action Transvestite I'm an action transvestite, actually, as well as being an executive transvestite. I'm an action transvestite! ‘Cause it's running, jumping, climbing trees, you know. So I went snowboarding when I was in Aspen. And you look cool when you snowboard, you just look cool, you know? You cannot but look cool ‘cause you're nailed to a f**ing plank of wood. As long as you're vertical, you're going, "Hey, yes!" ( swishing sounds ) Skiing, you can be kinda… ( wobbles about ). There's a lot of that stuff, but this is just ( speeding sounds ). And there's only two positions in snowboarding: One is looking cool; the second is DEAD! Right? Pow! So I was looking cool and I was going 50, 60 thousand miles an hour! ‘Cause you have no idea! The police never pull you over. They never, ( makes siren noises ) "Ah, f**ing ‘ell! ( swishing sound to stop ) ‘Cause the police need to be able to walk up to you in that kind of condescending way. "Ok, Sonny Jim, what do you think you're doing, eh?" And they can't do that on a snowboard, because they have to go... ( jumping with legs together, then wobbling to keep vertical ) "Your tail light's out, and… you've got no… knees." So anyway, that didn't happen. No, I was just going fast, and I fell, and I smashed my head, and... my head was fine. But my neck went, "Oh, no. Oh, no, thank you." So I had to go see a chiropractor in New York, and they're different to osteopaths, chiropractors, because of the spelling. Of course, they're both very powerful figures on the Scrabble board, though... "Chiropractor... chiropractor... chiropractor... 93 letters, chiropractor." And they crack your bones, that's what they do, they crack your bones! And they take x-rays, but it's pointless, because whatever is wrong with you… "You've got a bad back, I'm gonna crack your bones.” “You've got diphtheria, I'm gonna crack your bones.” “Your head's come off! I'm gonna crack your bones.” “It looks like your mother! I'm going to crack your bones. " And then, when they crack your bones it goes ( painful sigh ) and then, “Ahh!” but not sort of ( relief sigh ), but ( disconcerted sigh ). All the way up your spine, "Crack your bones, crack your bones, crack your bones." And they sort of arrange you into a nice, comfortable ( mimes chiropractor's actions ) And sometimes it doesn't crack! Sometimes it just goes, "____". Then they pull a mallet from their belt and they try to make the noise. “Make the noise! I live for the noise..." And they do your head as well, around here, and they get it into a nice position, and you're thinking, "Where the…? No, I don't think it's supposed to go around that...!" In the end, you just trust them, you trust them. They could havetheir fingers in your nostrils, one foot on the back of your underpants, and they're pushing your spine away with a broom. "Well, what's this one about?" "I have no idea." ( sings fanfare ) "Wherever he falls, there shall he be buried." 10. Heimlich Gesture Also, if you're in a restaurant and you're choking to d**h, you can say the magic words, "Heimlich maneuver." If you're just coughing and got some, you say, "Heimlich maneuver," and all will be well. The trouble is, it's very difficult to say "Heimlich maneuver" when you're choking to d**h. Yeah. ( mumbling and coughing ) "Your hymen's been removed?" "No no. ( more mumbling and coughing ) "You need it removed? Right…" I don't know how you remove a hymen... But yeah. No, Heimlich maneuver,developed by Dr. Heimlich who woke up one night, obviously, and went, "A fist, a hand, hoocha hoocha hoocha... lobster! Yes, Hilda! Hilda! Wake up, Hilda!" "Oh, what is it, Dr. Heimlich?" "Why are you calling me Dr. Heimlich? I'm you're husband, for f**'s sake! Loosen up, don't be so bloody Prussian." "Well, what is it, Günther?" "I have invented a maneuver!" "What are you, a bloody tank commander now?" "No! My name is going to be famous in restaurants!" I don't think he actually did it that way. I don't think it was ( snaps fingers ) a wing and a prayer, I think he must have experimented. He was German, organized. ( German accent ) "Ok, Hans, I want you to swallow this golf ball..." ( choking and coughing ) “I cannot breath." “I know you cannot breath. I will now make you breath with the cunning use of..." ( muffled shot) “I still cannot breath." "Ok, maybe not, maybe this will… ( muffled shot ) “Jesus f**ing Christ!” "Ok, then maybe with a frying pan..." Pow! ( Hans coughing throughout, as Dr Heimlich smacks him ) "Must be a combination. No, ok… " "Ok, two frying pans… Frying pan in the bollocks… Bollocks stop… "Frying pan…" ( Hans collapses to the floor ) "Oh, he's dead." Other doctors are going, "How's it coming along, Dr. Heimlich?" "Well, not very well at the moment. It's not really a maneuver at the moment. It's more of a gesture." As the National Rifle Association says, it's not guns that k** people - it's maneuvers. I'm a film nut as well,complete nut on films. I used to break into film studios; there's a studio called Pinewood Studios near London, and I broke in there when I was 15. And I crept around, creeping, creeping, and hoping that some guy with a big cigar might go, "Hey! A creeping kid! For my film, 'The Creeping Kid!' You, you're in!" "Ah, me? Uh, yeah..." But no, it didn't happen! They were filming tall, angular...veterinarians that day... I didn't have my bag… And my hand up a horse's... anyway. So yes! But we've got known in Britain for making the smaller films, you know. Recently, we've been pulling out of that into the more “Trainspotting” area, but the smaller films, they're kind of “a room with a view with a staircase and a pond”-type movies. Films with very fine acting, but the drama is rather sort of subsued and - subsumed or - a word like that. Sub- something or another. You know, just folded in and everything's people opening doors. "Oh, I'm - oh, what? Well, I've - oh." "What is it, Sebastian? I'm arranging matches." "Well, I - I thought you - ... I'd better go." "Yes, I think you'd better had." ( sings morose melody ) And you can't eat popcorn to that! You're going ( mimes trying to eat popcorn but getting frustratedand sighs ). Whereas if the film did any little bit of business in America, if the film did some decent bit of business, then Hollywood would take it, and they'd remake it, and they'd up the budget by 50 million and it'd be called, “The Room With A View of Hell!” “Staircase of Satan!” “Pond of d**h.” And have people open the door, going, "You're f**ing in here all the time! All the time you're in here with the f**ing matches! In here with the f**ing matches! You're f**ing doing and f**ing ( clucking )" "You don't talk to me that way! You don't talk to me that way! You f** my wife? You f** my wife? You f** my wife? You f** my wife? You f** my wife?" "I am your wife!" "That doesn't matter! That doesn't matter! I say again, you f** my wife?" "All right, yes, I f**ed your wife. I am your wife, and I f**ed her." " ( Nonsensical ) f**ing matches - I can't get 'em... I'm going to drive around town and put babies on spikes." ( sounds of babies sliding on the spikes ) “Oh, no! Space monkeys are attacking!” A whole new part of the film that wasn't in the original! ( mimics battle sounds ) "Damn, its jammed!" ( dialing on mobile ) “Janine, I love you really, even though you f**ed my wife..." ( big explosion ) ( mimics eating and drinking everything in sight while watching ) "It's a f**ing handbag. With a brick in it! It's the Queen! Don't know who that is...” Yeah. 11. British Bad Guys We play bad guys in Hollywood movies because of the Revolutionary War. Yes, there's no two ways about it. And the French, who were on your side in the Revolutionary war, they play more esoteric characters. They have characters who turn up and go, "My name is Pierre! I come from Paris. I've come to have s** with your family." "Help yourself... because of the debt of honor to General Lafayette." You know your own history, right? You don't know who he is, do you?! What was it? The Spanish-American War? The French Banana War? What? The Revolutionary War! Hung out with Washington. Lafayette. Street named after him in New York. Forget it! But we play bad guys, like take “The Empire Strikes Back,” from the “Star Wars trilogy.” The d**h Star! The d**h Star… just full of British actors opening doors and going, "Oh, I'm - oh, oh..." "What is it, Lieutenant Sebastian?" "It's just the Rebels, sir. They're here." "My God, man! Do they want tea?" "No, I think they're after something more than that, sir. I don't know what it is, but they've brought a flag." ( cracks up ) "Damn, that's dash cunning of them! Ah, Lord Vader!" ( heavy breathing and in a deep voice ) “Uh, hello."( cracks up again ) ‘Cause he was only impressive ‘cause he had that James Earl Jones voice. ( deep voice )”I am Vader. The Force is strong with you." If he had a much more, ( camp co*kney accent ) “Hello. Look, I'm Lord Vader and just pay a-bloody-ttention, all right? Luke, Luke, the Force is strong with you." "Is it?" "Yeah." "Well, who told you that?" "Some bloke! Yeah, he said the Force was really rather strong with you." "Well, how strong?" "Uh, as strong as a small pony." "Oooh, that's quite strong, that is." The film would never have f**ing worked, would it? 12. The Great Escape “The Great Escape,” now there's a film. A lot of British actors, I'm British, so link up there. Steve McQueen, action hero; action transvestite, linkup there. The story is based on a true story about 76 British prisoners, I think, who escaped from the prisoner of war camp in Silesia, in Poland. They're all experts at escaping; they've escaped from lots of other prisons, and they're all put together, so they say, “Hey, let's work together.” Steve McQueen plays the American guy who is dropped into British films in order to make them sell… in America, that is, because you'd go, “Oh, I'm not gonna see it, it's full of British guys, and what the f** do I know about British things?” I was in… where was I? I did a gig in Memphis, and this guy came up to me, and it was f**ing weird. This guy had two kids, and he said, “You British?” I went, “Yeah,” but wanted to go, “No, I'm from Mars, actually.” “You British?” “Yeah” And he said, “Hey, kids! Jimmy Sue, Bobby Will, Fishy Bob!” No, he said, “Talk British to my kids!” I said, “No, I'm not gonna talk British to your kids, you don't talk… it's English! ‘ello?” And the kids were, ( shaky accent ) “No, Dad, we wanna go see…” ( Slow, slurry ) “No, Dad, we wanna go see the man emasculating a donkey over there.” “Talk British to my kids! Talk, or I'll get my arsenal of weapons out!” So that was fun. So yes, “The Great Escape,” yes. It's all true, and Steve McQueen is there to make it sell, and he's cool, I'm totally into him, I'm a very big fan of Steve McQueen – “Bullitt.” Fog… no f**ing fog in “Bullitt,” does it? That film, “The Rock,” when they're all out in Alcatraz, they go, “We can't send this nuclear weapon to San Francisco, we can't f**ing find it! It's covered in fog! “All right, we'll have to get Oakland, then.” ( people stirring ) Oh, fight, fight, fight! ( in sing-song ) Oakland, San Francisco, Oakland, East Bay! You're not called West Bay, are you? No, you're just( mockingly )“The City.” “Are you going to “The City” today? “I might go to “The City.” And Oakland is just a collection of houses, is it? So… so yes, “The Great Escape.” In “The Great Escape,” they say, “Look, we're gonna do the biggest escape in the history of people escaping from things they shouldn't.“ “Fantastic.” And Steve isn't really a part of this, he's just hanging out, playing baseball, runs with the van, does an escape, gets caught, covered in mud, and stuff like that; but the British are working away, they're digging three tunnels – Charley, Barley and Farley. No, four tunnels, Charley, Barley, Farley and Wally; no, five tunnels, Charley, Barley, Farley and Wally… Nobody expects the Spanish tunnel king! And they're digging away, and there's people in charge of shoveling it up, people putting breathing apparatus in, putting things on trolleys, lighting apparatus; people disguising the entrance of the tunnel so it looks like a kibbutz or something; people saying, “I've turned my uniform inside out, turned up my collar, I've turned my bu*tocks into a hat, and I now look like a German officer… but I have no bu*tocks.” “Jawol, mein Herr. So habe ich linge wenige. Locherbekommen.” “Well done, Simpkins. That's a line from Monty Python, isn't it?” Donald Pleasance is doing forgeries on bits of tin can with a bit of jam. Clang! And on the day of the escape, they're all there, and Steve McQueen has joined up in the escape, and the British have trilby hats on, overcoats, canoe, a bit of a rabbit… And Steve's just there in jeans and a T-shirt, disguised as an American man! He romps out, jumps in a motorbike, knocks a guy off, and within 15 minutes, he's in the borders of Switzerland. This is from Poland! And if you don't know the geography, it goes Poland, Czechoslovakia, Holland, Venezuela, Africa, the Hanging Gardens of Babylon… and then Switzerland, where the Nazi gold comes from. ( imitates people muttering about Nazi gold ) I love the way you do that! Whenever I say something slightly weird, you all mutter. “I'm catching the ferry right now!” Anyway, so yes, so Steve's just damn cool, he jumps on the motorbike, and as soon as he gets on, the music cuts to ( sings action film theme ). The British are all down at the train station. “Can't we do a motorbike? Damn!” “Yes, a train ticket to… Ich möchte einen ticket to nach… London. No, not London! Calais! That's nice and Nazi, isn't it?” “Ihre Pässe, bitte.” “My pa**port? All right.” ( clangs ) ( clanging continues ) “It's a bit clangy and a bit jammy…” “Yes, I'm from the steel and jam area of Stuttgart.” The British are getting ha**led, and Steve is away, and he gets to Switzerland. Remember, Jim Rockford nicks an airplane in that film, and he flies to Switzerland, and he gets about 20 miles away from it in an airplane! Steve is on a f**ing motorbike and he gets there! Before him! What's he got in the f**ing motorbike, jet wings? I dunno! So yeah, all the British are getting ha**led, the Gestapo are after them, people are on rowing boats, some on bicycles, one on a rabbit, in a kangaroo, you know, in pogo stick. Steve's motor biking away… Steve's over the first line of bared wire, “Go, Steve, go!” Into the second line of barbed wire… Nearly makes it, doesn't quite, but lives to tell the tale. Meanwhile, the British are all rounded up and shot in the head! Now what signals is this giving to kids from the different countries, Britain and America? American kids watching Steve, saying, ( shaky accent ) “Steve, you're damn cool! Yeah, I'm f**ing with you, man, all the way! Absolutely! Lived to tell the tale, good on you!” You know? I don't know why he's Australian, but anyway… “Absolutely. G'day.” But we're just watching it and thinking, “We're f**ed! All that planning, the logistics, everything, and we get f**ing blown away.” Chip on my- fish and chips on my shoulder. 13. Engelbert and JFK And Engelbert Humperdinck! Yes, he was the man. That's not his real name; he's from Britain, but that's not his name. There's very few Humperdincks in Britain. He was born Gerry Dorsey, not Engelbert Humperdinck. His parents were not Mr. and Mrs. Humperdinck. They never said, "What shall we call our son so he does not get the sh** kicked out of him at school?" “We shall call him Engelbert!" "Good, that'll work!" No, his name was Gerry Dorsey, and he released songs as Gerry Dorsey, songs such as ( mumbles )which didn't work ‘cause nobody could hear what he was saying. And then his managers, obviously, said, "We're going to change your name, Gerry! It's the name that's the problem." And his name changed from Gerry Dorsey to Engelbert Humperdinck. I mean, I just wanted to be in the room when they were working that one through. "Zingelbert Bembledack! Yingybert Dambleban! Zangelbert Bingledack! Wingelbert Humptyback! s*ut Bunwalla!" "What?!" "All right, Kringelbert Fishtybuns! Steviebuns Bottrittrundle..." "No, Gerry Dorsey, I like Gerry Dorsey!" "No, we can't do it... Who we got? Zingelbert Bembledack, Tringelbert Wangledack, s*ut Bunwalla, Klingybun Fistelvase, Dindlebert Zindledack, Gerry Dorsey, Engelbert Humptyback, Zengelbert Bingledack, Engelbert Humperdinck, Vingelbert Wingledanck…" "No, no, go back one. Go back one. "Engelbert Humperdinck." That's it." And it worked! But he's dead now, you hear that? Yeah, today, on CNN. I heard it as I was just coming out. Very weird, ‘cause Frank Sinatra was just recently as well, wasn't it? Yeah. Hmm. No, this is what I heard on the telly when I coming out. ( inhales deeply and exhales ) It's not true, heh. ( exhales ) No, it is true. Yeah, he was L.A. Something happened. He was in L.A., and that's all I caught… it was just before I came out. So, yeah. ( exhales ) No, it is true. No, he was in a car in L.A. driving along and something hit him or something like that. ( about 25 seconds of pauses and audience laughter, as Eddie nods and denies the truth of this statement ) No no, no, he's all right, he's all right! He's fine! He's cooking, he's jumping, he's doing his thing in L.A. - he's absolutely fine. How do I know? I don't know, I don't know! I think he's got a cold, that's what they said. No, a tan, that's it! But back in the 60s, though, back in the 60s, President Kennedy became the President of the United States of America, and he we went to Berlin, stood on the Berlin wall and he said, "People of Berlin..." ( hearty American )”People of Berlin." I can't do an impression of President Kennedy, so this is... "People of Berlin. Amy dumped…" No, James Mason playing him... ( imitates Mason ) “ People of Berlin, I have come to you to tell you something about the American states. I sound a bit like God, don't I? Yes. But I have come to say to you that every free citizen of the world is a citizen of Berlin. And I wish to say to you, 'Ich bin ein Berliner.' " And the crowd went f**ing wild! Trouble is, "Ich bin ein Berliner" means "I am a donut," and... This is true, and this is what he said, he said "I am a donut!" And, as I say, 70% of how you look, 20% of how you sound, only 10% is what you say. He said "I am a donut" and they went wild! Because "Ich bin Berliner" is "I am a Berliner." But "Ich bin ein Berliner," is - that's the name of a donut they have there. And it's like going to Frankfurt: "I am a Frankfurter!" "Yeah, we've heard about that one, Jackie." Hamburg - "I am a Hamburger, too!" Lucky he didn't do a tour of Germany, eh? "I am a Hamburger, a Frankfurter, and a donut." But the people in Berlin must've gone, "What did he say?" "He said he was a donut!" "I thought he said he was a donut too!" "So what does that mean?" "It's a slang! It's American! He's a donut! He's a f**ing donut. f**ing donut, a f**ing donut, a f**ing donut. He's a f**ing donut. I think that's what it must mean.” “What do you think, Dr. Heimlich?" "Huh? ( coughing throughout ) I don't…I don't know, I have swallowed a football and I can'tget it out. Can you perform my maneuver on me, the me maneuver?" "Huh?" "Hilda, Hilda, get me a map of everything." He also made a speech about space. President Kennedy said, "By the end of this decade, I have decided to put a man on the surface of the Moon." At the same time, our Prime Minister in Britain, Sir Dingly Dang... You don't know anyway, do you? You have no idea! It was Sir Fritz Bunwalla. Engelbert Slaptyback, who was Prime Minister at the time, and he stood up and he said, "By the end of this decade, I have decided to put a man on the surface of the Earth!" And so he did. But it was kinda weird, 'cause we couldn't do the space race. We had no money, you know, rationing didn't stop 'til the year 2001! I still haven't even lived that long. But anyway,we just didn't have any money. So you were getting space rockets, testing them, sending a cat, dog, a fish, a monkey up into space. The fish was interesting! We didn't have enough money to put a man in a track suit up a ladder! I mean, I would've been there, "Go man, go!" " I'm going, I'm going! 'Ang on!" "Just hang on to the ladder!" "Hello, Swindon, I am here. Swindon, can you hear me?" "Swindon here, we are monitoring you on our instruments at the moment, we've got you on a tuba.” “There should be a bigger laugh for that joke, I think." "Yeah, I can't quite understand it; I thought it was really funny. Swindon, a knackered, kind of Fresno town." "They don't seem to be going for it.” “They're obviously ba*tards." "Anyway,Swindon, I'm nearly at the Moon… actually, that's a bit of an understatement, that one. Have you got another big ladder, another bit of ladder? I don't think we're quite at the Moon yet, but I can see right over the top of the houses! Fantastic!" 14. Moon Monsters But they went to the Moon, Neil Armstrong, Buzz Aldrin,and Michael Collins, going round and round, working out the IRA thing. And Neil stepped on the Moon and said, "One small step for man, a giant leap for mankind." Good line but not his line, I don't think… it didn't feel like his line, you know? I bet that was just given to him and he was coming down the steps going, "Small step for man, a giant leap for mankind. Small step for man, a giant leap for mankind. Don't get it wrong, Neil. Don't f** it up. Here we go. I'm a small man with a giant big - sh**!... One man, small giant, two...two mens... What was it?" ‘Cause you gotta say something, you can't go down to the Moon and go, "Oh, it's all sticky! It's covered in jam!" You can't land on the Moon and go, "f**ing ‘ell, I've been in that spacecraft ( stretching noises ) Right, I need a piss." You can't land on the Moon and wind down the window and go, "Is this - Sea of Tranquility? Sea of Tranquility? Is this Sea of Tranquility? Sea of Tranquility? There's no one around!” But he had a sense of humor so he should have used it, ‘cause there was that lunar module there – a fixed camera, just fixed, not panning left or right, just stationary. So he could've been there saying, "Hi, people on the Moon. As you can see, the Sea of Tranquility here, there's the mountains in the distance, there's the Earth! There, you're looking back up at yourselves there. Over to my right, I can see a f**ing monster! There's a monster behind me! ( screaming ) Oh no, help! Get off my leg!" Buzz Aldrin in a monster outfit ( growling ) Neil doing a close-up with… "He's got me, Houston. The monster's got me! He wants cash! He's got my hand up behind my back. I think he knows jiu-jitsu! He wants cash for the release of my life. Send a million… - two million dollars, leave it in a bag by the Sea of Tranquility. I don't know, the North Shore! What the f**ing ‘ell...?" Oh, it would have worked, wouldn't it? But they went to the Moon and they brought back rock. They brought back rock! Trouble is, we've got rock. That was the one thing we didn't need, wasn't it? “Rock, Neil? I don't know whether you looked at the planet before you took off, but it's made of f**ing rock!” “But it's Moon rock…” “Oh, f**ing hell! This is Earth rock, Neil, come on! ( mocking ) Earth rock with special minerals. It's rock, isn't it? Have you heard? On the stock market, rock's gone up three points! No, it hasn't, has it? ‘Cause it's f**ing rock! We wanted diamonds, or sherbet or a squirrel with a gun!” So they went to the Moon and they found rock. They've found ice as well recently, so it's rocks and ice. What an exciting planet! Obviously a party planet. And they went to mars and found more rock, but it's red this time, so… We've got the most boring solar system I've ever heard of…! And I've never heard of any! And no monsters, either! Not one f**ing monster has turned up in the history of looking. ‘Cause we've been ready for monsters, we've been waiting for them for so long! Pictures of monsters, stories of monsters, documentaries of monsters, films, programs, television things- not one f**ing monster! Nothing, not even a squirrel with a flute has turned up. ( sings jaunty flute tune ) “Monster! Very small monster!” “Get the flute off him, that's where he gets his power!” I think the world needs monsters, I think we need them because we've got this thing of… Humans are very good with a little bit of adversity, not too much, but enough. It's like in the Cold War- World War II is better, the Cold War was just a negative thing. World War II had everyone pulling together against something, and there was some positive stuff that came out of it. Now that the Cold War is gone, everything is loose and free. Everyone's a bit obsessed with upstairs,have you noticed? All the films lately, “The X Files,” “Independence Day,” “Armageddon,” “Deep Impact,” “Deep Throat…” All these things. We're all looking upstairs now. And in America, terrorism is starting to happen. You know, the Oklahoma City bombing, which everyone was sure was some Islamic fundamentalist thing, and you found out it was some white guys from nearby. That must have freaked you out something rotten! “These guys from around the corner? They look like us! Oh, f**!” Yeah, bit of a weird one. And the Aryan supremacists have come around with their ideas of “get some chemical weapons and k** people.” And you say, “What's the plan? What does that achieve?” “Nothing, really.” And it won't work – Aryan supremacists, white supremacists, black supremacists, blue supremacists- especially the blue supremacists, they'll never work, because if you get the same people from the same genetic group to all intermarry, hello? Cousins marrying, hello?? IQ down the toilet! Hitler was trying this' first generation of Nazis would have been, “Sieg Heil!” Second generation, “Sieg Heil…” Third generation, “Er… Sieg… er… I've no idea.” The FBI picked up a guy who was trying to access anthrax through the mail. Who the f** do you write to for anthrax?! Is there a big desk, with people going, “More requests for anthrax? Thank you, Jeff.” ( mimes typing ) “Dear Mrs. Stevens, thank you for your request for anthrax, one of the most dangerous chemical weapons known to humankind. We have pleasure in rushing you three buckets of anthrax for your own personal use only…” But this guy was doing it fraudulently, he must have been a bit cunning. ( mimes typing again ) “Dear Sir, my name is Daisy, I am a cow. I wish to take my own life, so please send me three buckets of anthrax, as anthrax is designed to k** cattle and I want to end it all right now. P.S.: I cannot shoot myself as I have no opposable thumbs.” Pedigree dogs and mongrel dogs are proof of this experiment. Pedigree dogs are all inbred, you take the grandmother and the great-nephew,( mimes forcing copulation ) “There you go…” And they're all next to each other in the genetic pool, so they look kinda good, but they just go, “Er… woof…” “And what do you think about the latest doggie situation?” “Er… w-woof… I like meeting other dogs.” Whereas the mongrel dog with a black patch over a white face, furry on top and sleek down below because a lion shagged a whippet… that's the one! That's the one that goes on and nicks your credit cards and drives to the Bahamas! 15. Puberty But I'm going to finish up today by talking about puberty! Which is a, kind of spiky subject, but it's interesting, because there's things like these kids that started shooting people, which you've had in America. Because guns don't k** people, it's just that certain noise they make. It's just a bullet ripping through peoples' bodies. That's what k**s people! Yeah, have guns but don't allow any ammunition. There! We got it! We got it sorted! And they just go ( mimes throwing gun in frustration ) So, yeah. But puberty was… well, before puberty, at school, I didn't tell kids I was a transvestite ‘cause I thought they might k** me with sticks, you know? "Why?" "I don't know, he said a word we didn't understand. And he won at Scrabble with it." So, yes. So most transvestites fancy girls, and you can tell people this. "Yes, most transvestites fancy girls." "Well who told you that?" "A transvestite told me that!" "Probably lives in a cave somewhere." "No, an executive transvestite did!” "Oh, really? Well… fantastico." So, yeah. So I played kiss-chase with the girls - tag a girl, she has to kiss you, kinda s**y. But then puberty came! Puberty came and destroyed my confidence, destroyed my everything! Which, I think, is part of the thing that causes these kids to go off and commit murder, essentially, ‘cause it is such a hell of a gear change. Think about it! ‘Cause before puberty, girls and boys are going, "Girls! ( disgusted noise )!" "Boys! ( disgusted noise )" Then it gets to puberty, and instead they're going, "Girls! Oh…" or, you know, "Boys, boys," whatever s**ual preference you're going, but you just start switching on, sort of… ( interested noises ). And you think, "God, I want to get off with some of these people, I better look my best." And then Mother Nature says, "No, you will look the worst you've ever looked in your life!" ( raspberry mimicking explosion ) "Hold on, where did I get all this from? Jesus! It's ( disgusted noises ). We repulse ourselves! I mean, I used to look in the mirror and go, "Well, I'm not going to shag me, that's for certain!" ‘Cause that's what narcissism is all about, is looking in the mirror and going, "God, I'd like to have s** with myself!" You know? It's all sort of self-attraction thing. And then, when you're at the acne thing, you just go, "Uh-uh, no way!" And parents should tell you the facts of puberty! "Look, your hair's going to go greasy, your face will become a general plague area... Here's a book on the Black d**h... Tufts of hair will grow on your chin, not in a s**y stubble way, but in a continuing plague theme. Down here, I'm not going to even talk about that! But here's a picture of your Uncle Jim... ( getting scared and turning picture around alternately ) Sorry, it's the other way up... No, that's your aunt, sorry... That's Queen Victoria." And it's over months and years, isn't it. Puberty's over months and years. It should be one day, get the f**er over with! Go into school, ( squeakily ) “Sorry I'm late, I don't know why I was late." By the time you get home, ( gruffly ) "Right, I'm going home to get a job with a drill." And that one day at school will be, ( swinging from high to low ) "Sorry, I don't know the answer to that question, I don't... 'Scuse me, can I be excused? I seem to have the plague..." And then I had to chat up girls and I had never used my vocal ability to chat up girls, and when your voice is breaking it's very hard! It's going, ( silkily ) "Why, Susan, I really kind of ( squeakily ) fancy you. ( low voice ) I saw you in the ( squeaky ) playground." I had to chat up girls and I'd only tagged them before and I didn't have the verbal power to be able to say, "Susan, I saw you in the cla**room today. As the sun came from behind the clouds, a burst of brilliant light caught your hair, it was haloed in front of me. You turned, your eyes flashed fire into my soul, I immediately read the words of Dostoyevsky and Karl Marx, and in the words of Albert Schweitzer, 'I fancy you.' " But no. At 13, you're just going, " 'ello, Sue. I've got legs. Do you like bread? I've got a French loaf. ( smacking sound ) Bye! I love you!" So it was all not working very well. And later on, when we become more mature, we have that line, where if you're talking to someone, getting on well, you can say that great line, "Do you want a cup of coffee?" And if they go, "Ah… yeah, okay," then s** is on, yeah? That's the unwritten rule. Doesn't always work. If the President of Burundi says, "Would you like a cup of coffee," you're not supposed to go, "Oh, I'm in here!" "And how do you take it?" "Anywhere I can find it big boy! Oh, just a cup of coffee? All right... I thought you meant 'Do you want a cup of coffee!' So you're from Burundi, are you? Fantastic! Yeah! No, I know, it's near Zaire, isn't it? Near Tanzania, yeah. Yeah. No, I learned them all when I had chicken pox. I have to go now, ‘cause my grandmother's on fire..." But normally it does work as long as you keep the chat s**y. "Yes, I like my coffee hot and strong. Like I like my women! Hot and strong... With a spoon in them. Ah, the curve of the spoon, the curve of your breast! I like to run the spoon ( talking with the tongue sticking out ) across my lips..." Then you're pretty close, yeah? 16. Splashy Splashy And I was a very driven Boy Scout. Very driven Boy Scout! Driven everywhere I was, and... ( chuckles ) This is such a crap joke! Other nights I've never even said it ‘cause I thought, "It's so crap..." I'm just laughing that you laughed. Anyway. But I was a driven Boy Scout. No, I was actually just driven. You know, I was just a… forget this. Anyway, so... Yeah, I had all the badges! I had all the badges, I had my sort of “Landing on the Moon” badge! You know, advanced badges. My “Nuclear Fusion” badge, and my “Menachem Beguin Disguise Kit” badge, which was great, and so I was a top scout! I was a chief scout, had my own tribe and everything, and me and this other guy who was a chief scout, we went on an outing as sort of chaperones for these girls who were slightly younger than us. So it was 10 girls, two boys - pretty good odds for a shy kid. We went to an activity center, where you climb a tree and eat a sausage and it's kind of… It builds your character so you know about sausages. And we end up in a swimming pool, and I'm doing splashy splashy with this girl I really fancy. And she's doing splashy splashy back and I'm going, "f**ing ‘ell, splashy back!" You know, ‘cause splashy splashy is the aquatic equivalent of "Do you want a cup of coffee?" Right? So splashy splashy's going well and I suddenly think, “I know! I'll turn around, I'll do swimmy swimmy, and then maybe she'll do swimmy swimmy too in a kind of chase me-chase me way and then we'd do catchy catchy and underwater s**y s**y!” But I was so elated that splashy splashy was actually working that I just swam like a boy chased by sharky-sharky! I swam, and I swam and I swam, and I was in Egypt when they caught up to me! And that's a long way from England. ‘cause it goes England, Venezuela, Beirut, Africa, Cincinnati, Hanging Gardens of Babylon... It's near Switzerland. So, yeah, it was just… it wasn't working. And I was saving my virginity! You know, it's cool to lose your virginity at 13. Yeah, say, "Yeah, I was 13, she was 25, you know... Yeah... I was an animal! What can I say?" But I was saving my virginity for a woman made out of breasts! And I was getting on! I was 18 and they were going, "Have you done it? Have you done it yet?" "Uh, I'm not from your country." Go on to college, you know, still nothing, and I thought, "Stop saving yourself for some imaginary person who just isn't there! Just lose your virginity! Just find anyone, anyone, as long as they've got a pulse. Or not! Pulse optional!" And I was 21 before I lost my virginity. 21! That's not cool at all, is it? But then I tell everyone about it, so that's quite cool. And I've done it since then.( counts with his fingers ) But the weirdest thing of all was I actually lost my virginity a year before I lost my virginity. Yeah … weird! A year before, when I was 20, I actually had a night of whey-hey-hey-hey! So the next morning it was one of those post-virginity breakfasts, I was thinking, you know. "Hey, just sit there. ( singing ) Breakfast cereal, bacon and eggs. Bit of coffee bubbling away. Freshly squeezed mango juice!" She's going, "You're very chipper this morning." I'm going, "Yeah, yeah, f**ing ‘ell! Yeah! ‘cause last night, ( chuckles, then sings ) lost my virginity!" "Oh yeah, with who?" ( moving head from left to right ) I did this for an hour, and I was going, "With you! With you! What the f** ( clucks incoherently ) What the f** was last night all about?!" You know, and she said, "No!" And we had this conversation, and the words ejaculation came into the conversation, and the world 'premature' as well. And I came back with, "No, ejaculation - mature, mature ejaculation. Not premature, post-mature, veteran ejaculation! Wise, learned man ejaculation! Mature man who does the washing up-type ejaculation..." But she said, "No!" She vetoed it! She was China in the United Nations Security Council… in the United Nations Security Council Of My Virginity. And so it just didn't work! It was… f**ed me off, I tell you. But she's dead now, so... No, she isn't... No, she was in L.A., in a car, with Engelbert Humperdinck, and... 17. Bilingual Encore So that's the end of my show, and I do like to end the show with a kind of "Oh" feeling, and I think I've done that quite well. But thank you very much for being here. I hope you've enjoyed it. Yeah... N ( Eddie comes back and plays with a clapping audience for about 30 seconds ) What? Now I just wanna talk quickly about language, and then we can all go. Yeah, language. They do say Britain and America are two countries separated by the Atlantic Ocean, and it's true. No, they say, “two countries separated by a common language,” that's the line; it's an Oscar Wilde line, I think. And we do pronounce things in a different way, like you say “caterpillar” and we say “caterpillar,” and… You say “aluminum” and we say “aluminium.” You say, “centrifugal” and we say “centrifugal.” You say, “leisure” and we say “lizuray.” You say “baysil” and we say “bahsil.” You say “'erbs” and we say “herbs,” because there's a f**ing “H” in it… But you spell through THRU, and I'm with you on that, ‘cause we spell it “THRUFF,” and that's trying to cheat at Scrabble. “How can we get that “OU” sound?” “Well, a “U” will work,” “What about an “O” as well?” “We don't need it, we're fine.” “No, I think an “O” in.” “Well, all right.” “And a “G” as well.” “What?!” “Yes, a “G” would be good. We need a silent “G” in the background, in case of any accidents or something.” “Well, all right.” “And an “H” as well.” “f**ing ‘ell! Hang on.” “An “H” in case some herbs come along.” “All right…” “And a Q, and a P, and a Z… Look it's a word in Scrabble that's 480 points!” So yes, and we do have slight differences in that arena, but in Europe we have 200 languages. 200 languages! Just count them, I know you won't! And future generations of Europeans – I'm sorry, Europeans, but we're gonna have to be bilingual; we're gonna have to be, and English speakers hate this! “Two languages in one head? No one can live at that speed! Good Lord, man! You're asking the impossible!” “But the Dutch speak four languages and smoke marijuana…” “Yes, but they're cheating! Everyone knows marijuana is a drug enhancement that can help you on track and field to come last in a team of 8 million other runners… who are all dead.” I don't know how the Dutch do it, but anyway, we're gonna have to learn, and the reason for doing it is, one, for being groovy and just getting out there and doing it, but the second is we just lose a lot of business in the rest of Europe, ‘cause German people phone up… “Wir haben fünf millionen Deutschmark…” “Just f** off, will you, mate?” ( hangs up ) “He was speaking German, I told him to go away, I told him to f** off..! I don't know, something about fünf million in Deutschmarks. I told him to get knotted! We don't want any of his deutschy markys… We do? We do want that? Oh, I'm terribly sorry! Oh, f**! Redial…” So yeah, I'm into this, I'm into this idea; it's a positive thing, man. I took my last show, “Glorious,” to Paris and I did it in French, and the French people came and stared at me, with that look in their eyes of “quoi?” Because, you know, there's no standup in France, and they're not used to English people speaking French, but I was doing it as a positive thing, because we could be the biggest melting pot in the world! 500 million people, all we have to do is melt a bit, just move it around… f**ing move it around! It was partly that and partly to just go, “yeah…” ( mocking sounds ) So I did that. And I learnt French at school, up to the age of 16, and then I just kept talking it endlessly after that. And at school, the first page I ever learnt in French was full of things that are quite difficult to get into conversation, thinks like “the mouse is underneath the table” – la souris est en dessous la table. Just slip that when you're buying a ticket to Paris: “Le train à Paris, oui? C'est ici? C'est maintenant? Cinq minutes… la souris est en dessous la table…” The other line was, “the cat is on the chair” – le chat est sur la chaise – slightly more easy to fit in; and “the monkey is on the branch” – “le singe est sur la branche.” Very difficult to get into a conversation! Not a lot of jungle in France… monkeys thin on the ground… thin in the air… just generally pretty trim! And yes, so it just wasn't working. We go to bars and cafés, that's where we go; we go to bars and cafés, and we sit there and we have chats in the café. “Oui, j'aime beaucoup le cafê, le cafê noir and très fort; très choud… ( inhales ) avec une cuillère dedans… ( mocking sound ) Ah, le virage de la cuillère; le virage des poitrines… Je mets la cuillère dans la bouche…” “Je suis le Président de Burundi!” Ah, oui, Burundi! Je le connais bien! C'est tout près de Zaire, oui? Tout près de Mozambique… No, Tanzanie, Tanzanie! ( chuckles falsely ) Oui, je les ai appris quand j'ai les pox de poulet. Je dois part maintenant parce que ma grandmère est flambèe…” If you don't speak French, by the way, all that was f**ing funny, all right? We go and get hotel rooms for the night: “Vous avez une chambre, monsieur?” “Oui, nous avons les chambres, nous sommes un hôtel!” “OK, je voudrais une chambre avec un grand lit…” – a large bed – “avec une vue de la mer…” – a view of the sea – “avec une douche… with a spider.” “Oui, monsieur… c'est chambre 42, monsieur.” “42? Merci beaucoup. Mais, la souris est en dessous la table, le chat est sur la chaise et le singe est sur la branche.” “Quois?” “Il y a un singe sur la branche? Le chat? La souris?” “Ou est le singe?” “Le singe est sur la branche.” “Est-ce que le singe est dans la chambre?” In the end, the only way I could get that line into a conversation was I had to go to France with a cat, a mouse, a monkey, a table and a chair, and wander around heavily wooded areas. “Come on, come on! Someone's coming, someone's coming! Quick, positions! Les positions, maintenant! Boulot, boulot! Tout de suite! Vas-y! Vas-y! “Bonjour!” “Eh, bonjour. Qu'est-ce qui se pa**e?” “Bonjour, je suis Anglais, je suis ici en vacances. C'est très belle ici, les couleurs, les bois, très belle.” ( inhaling ) “Tu est un travesti?” “Oui, je suis un travesti, mais pas un travesti typical. Je suis un travesti executive… Un travesti d'action!” “Très bien…” “Mais, la souris est en dessous la table, le chat est sur la chaise et le singe est… est… le singe est disparu.” Cause the monkey would f** off! He'd do his own thing. He was a bloody monkey! He was a cheeky monkey… and he knew my French wasn't very good, so he'd go off and do things. “Ah, le singe… maintenant… regarde. Il est sur une bicyclette. Il joue au banjo. Et il fume une pipe. Maintenant, il arrête… Il lit un journal, il a on journal… Et maintenant il est dans l'autobus! Il conduit l'autobus! Et Sandra Bullock est dans l'autobus! Il y a une bombe dans l'autobus! Il faut conduire l'autobus plus de 50 kilomètres par l'heure. Et Keanu Reeves! Là! Il arrive dans la voiture! Il a pas de cheveuxet Jeff Daniels est déjà mort… Regarde, il se jette dans l'autobus. Et Dennis Hopper, oh! Dennis Hopper, quel méchant!” That was the film “Speed” in French, which in France was called “La Vitesse!” Or at least it should have been, but in fact it was called “Speed.” Yeah… 18. In Conclusion So in conclusion, ladies and jellyspoons… America, you have the American Dream, you have the American Dream! We haven't got the European Dream yet, that's what we've got to get; we've got to get a dream to build on. You have the American Dream; the dream is to be born in the gutter, and raise, and grow up and get all the money in the world and stick it in your ears and go ( blows raspberry ) The American Dream! A fantastic dream of money in your ears and swimming through fivers. The American Dream! In Europe… I don't know, we haven't got a dream yet. Well, the dream was… ( mimics sleeping and dreaming ) “Oh… get off, you f**in'…! Flag. No!” ( wakes up with a gasp ) “Hilda, Hilda, wake up, Hilda!” “What is it, Dr. Heimlich, you waking-up type person?” “I've dreamed the European Dream. I dreamt that every country in Europe spoke a different language and they hated each other… Oh, that's true, isn't it? Yes.” That was the dream, but now, maybe now, the dream is to be in the South of Europe – to be in Greece, in Italy, in Spain, and to be on a moped with no helmet on, riding along, going, “ciao!” That's a pretty cool dream; it's not much of a dream, but it's as good as we've got so far, and it's pretty funky, ‘cause when you die… you look a mess, but I don't know, I just like it. ( mimics riding on a Vespa ) ‘Cause you're in a f**ing hairdryer. There's dogs walking faster than you! It's just pretty damn cool for me. That's the European Dream, thank you very much. Good night.