Dylan Saunders - The Legend of Hardhead Ned lyrics

[Narration] Once upon a time in a remote Tasmanian trailer park There was born a baby boy by the name of Nedson Willbry One day when Nedson was a baby, his crackhead teen mum Got real distracted watching Teen Mum on the telly and dropped Ned right on his noggin Leaving a bump on the top of his head The little bean stopped squirming And his mum thought he was surely done for So mommy brought the tiny bundle to the forest during a terrible storm And left him for dead in a field of pumpkins and wolves [Verse 1] Just then lighting struck And a cry cut through the night light like a siren on a fire truck Ned survived by the slightest luck, he wasn't a dead baby, Neddy was alive as f**! It was a miracle we're hearing The creatures of the evening came creeping to the clearing To see this little man nugget Soon to be immortalized in poetry just like the man from Nantucket But as the little babe was grown They gave to him their home And raised him as their own He roamed and trapezed from the tallest trees (whee!) He got his steez from the wallabies They all loved him But the Tasmanian Devils loved little Neddy more than all of ‘em They taught him how to spin like a fan 'Til Ned spun himself into a fine young man But one day like a sick disease Loggers crept in and chopped the eucalyptus trees They smushed the cuddly forest creatures And turned ‘em into body wash and sneakers But Ned escaped and yelled angrily That "You abandoned me! You k**ed my family! But God dammit, I can't use your pity" And he snuck onto a ship bound for New York City [Narration] Ned's voyage led him to the deepest, darkest, dankest bowels of that ship He met all kinds of seedy characters on that voyage, like old Japanese men and their wives He had delicious meals of fresh cut sashimi, pumpkin pie And all kinds of delicious breads and cookies and cakes When he was on that voyage he knew what lied ahead So he kept his sights set on New York City And before he knew it, he arrived [Verse 2] Ned almost drowned He kissed the ground But his guts were churned up in this town Where down was up and up was down So the boy from Down Under flipped right around Ned did a cartwheel and stopped halfway And he walked on his palms from that day But city-folk treated Ned like a freak “That hand-walking lump-headed Yeti can't speak” One night walking home Ned was quite shocked He saw a B-boy spinning on the sidewalk He couldn't stop, wouldn't stop Staring at those limbs, spinning like a wooden top Sweeter than a puddin' pop, Ned was home at last And every night he'd watch ‘em dance through the gla** Of the club, and he'd wait there in line for his chance But the bouncer said, freak, you can't dance! [Narration] Oh but Ned, sweet little Ned, he wouldn't get out of line And the bouncer pushed him, and pushed him But to catch his balance, Ned, hardheaded, upside down Ned did what Ned did best He just spun. And he spun. And he spun. And he spun! (Go Ned, go Ned, go, go, go Ned!) Everyone in the club came out to watch what is now regarded As the greatest f**ing head spin of all time Legend has it that Ned's still out there on Bleecker Street Spinning on the curb to this very day