Craig Thomas - Pilot lyrics

[Theme song] Steve is at the table eating loudly and humming with his mouth open HAYLEY: Shut up, Steve. I have a term paper due. STEVE: Oh, yeah, right. Community college. Big girl. Think that diploma'll land you a better section waitressing at Olive Garden? HAYLEY: Will you hit puberty before you're 14? STEVE: Why, you wanna do it with me? You're sick. FRANCINE: Steve, you've only got one sister. Be nice. And, Hayley, Steve's big-boy hair won't come in any faster with you taunting him. KLAUS: Oh, Francine, Liebchen, I love the way you rule with an iron fist. Perhaps you would stick your naughty pinkie finger into mein bowl und let me feel you. FRANCINE: Klaus, I don't think... KLAUS: You're right. When the kids are gone. STAN: No Roger you cannot borrow the car! You think you'd be more grateful to the guy who saved your life at Area 51. If the CIA found out you lived here, we'd have our memories erased. ROGER: Did you see Memento? It's not as good the second time. STAN: You are not allowed to leave the house! ROGER: For God's sake. I just wanna pick up a pack of smokes. STAN: Have you contacted your home planet yet? ROGER: I was gonna do it yesterday, but I got distracted. VH1 was running this I Love the '80s marathon. Did you know Lou Ferrigno was deaf? Somehow it's hard to take him as seriously. Hey, Francine, did you get those Pecan Sandies I asked for? FRANCINE: Roger, I'm sorry. I was at the market yesterday and I forgot. ROGER: Pretty sure I asked for Pecan Sandies. FRANCINE: I'll pick some up this afternoon. STAN: Be careful out there. We're at terror alert orange, meaning something might go down in some way at some point in time, so look sharp! HAYLEY: You know dad, it's great you and your CIA buddies have a system to keep the ma**es paralyzed in fear. STAN: You like shaving your armpits? Cos if the terrorists take over this country, that's the first thing to go. Stan spins around and fires a whole clip into the toaster HAYLEY: It's just toast, Dad. STAN: This time it was toast, Hayley. This time. FRANCINE: It's OK. This one'll be mine. STAN: How's it going with that gal on the lacrosse team I picked out for you? STEVE: Actually, I've decided to go for the bra** ring. Today I'm asking out Lisa Silver - head cheerleader and future Mr. Steve Smith. Yeah, I like the sound of that. Steve Smith. STAN: That's my boy. You hear that? Tell Steve how many girls l dated in high school. FRANCINE: I didn't meet you till college. STAN: But I told you. FRANCINE: Steve, I sure hope she says yes. STAN: Don't worry, she won't turn you down. You're a Smith and a Smith always gets his girl. Stan kisses Francine KLAUS: Resist him, Francine. Resist him! You and I are meant to be. Multi-tasking, Stan pours fish food into Klaus' bowl while kissing Francine KLAUS: Happy hour! HAYLEY: isn't Lisa Silver way out of your league? ROGER: Hayley, don't bury him before he's dead. I think you got a shot, Steve. As long as you don't wear that Shazam! shirt. Roger's chair breaks underneath him sending him to the floor ROGER: Don't everybody help at once. FRANCINE: My goodness, Roger. When was the last time you weighed yourself? ROGER: We can't all look like the anorexic aliens in the James Cameron movies. I'm sorry, Roger, but I'm putting you on a diet. Starting today, no more junk food. ROGER: What? No, not my Frankenberries. Francine, please be reasonable. Roger is climbing on to the table, trying to reach the donuts Francine's confiscating; once again the table breaks beneath him ROGER: Oh, God. I've got a bear claw in my a**. ENT: CIA Office STAN: So that's two million halogen lamps and 500,000 coffee tables. Thanks. AGENT: What was that all about? STAN: We signed IKEA to furnish Iraq. The whole country will look like your first apartment. ENT: Middle Eastern apartment furnished like Ikea There is a middle eastern man with his wife in an apartment furnished by IKEA MAN: I like this. It fits with our hip 20-something lifestyle. Oh, for Allah's sake, put some clothes on! Now, how about a beer? She covers up and in her blindness trips out the window STAN: Check out what I bought online. It's a pencil, and the eraser is stuck up Bin Laden's pooper. Best 40 bucks I ever spent. Stan holds up an Osama Bin Laden pencil topper AGENT: You're in a good mood today. STAN: You bet. My kid's asking out a cheerleader. AGENT: Steve? STAN: That's right. He's just like his old man. STAN: Hey, Marcus. Check this out. The eraser is stuck up Bin Laden's pooper. He thought it was funny. ENT: School Cafeteria STEVE: There she is. Gentlemen, if you'll excuse me, I have a fully developed woman to conquer. SNOT: Lisa Silver? Dude, you're a madman. STEVE: Thank you, Snot. TOSHI: [Speaking Japanese] STEVE: It is a beautiful day for love, Toshi. Thank you. You're cool with chicks. You're cool with chicks. Steve sheds his jacket revealing a shirt with a lightning bolt he then strolls over and confidently snaps Lisa Silver's bra strap STEVE: Hi, Lisa. Did that hurt so good? It's Steve. Steve Smith. Remember me? it'll come to you. Hey, wanna go out Friday night? LISA: It's OK, baby. I can handle this. She restrains her large jock boyfriend before he punches Steve's lights out STEVE: Yeah, baby. ENT: Outside on the sidewalk STEVE: How could she just reject me like I was a nobody? WOMAN: Hey, I love your dog. MAN: Thanks. Wanna come to my apartment and pet my schnauzer? And then we can play with this dog. STEVE: Wait a minute. That's it! I just need to get a dog and women will be all over my jock. ENT: Stan's living room CBS NEWS ANCHOR: in other news, the White House was stunned when President Bush received a phone call from God. ENT: Split screen of God calling George W. Bush on the phone GOD: Hey, George, it's God. GEORGE: Wow! Hey, how you doing? GOD: Good. Doing good. Hey, listen. Big favour. Is there any way that you could kind of, from now on, downplay our relationship a little more in your public addresses? GEORGE:What do you mean? GOD:Well, I mean... GOD: I'll just give you an example. Comments like, "God wanted me to be president". That would be an example of maybe something to just keep to yourself. Just to kind of distance yourself from me a bit more. GEORGE: Sure, if you want. GOD: Great. Thanks. GOD: That's Cheney. I gotta take it. Yes, sir? CBS NEWS ANCHOR: And on Wall Street, the Dow was down again. ENT: Smith living room As Hayley walks through the door an alarm sounds. Stan swiftly tackles her to the ground HAYLEY: Dad! Get off me! I have to study for my term paper. STAN: You know the procedure. HAYLEY: You never search Steve. STAN: I love you, but Steve is not a left-wing liberal who I tried to raise properly but... STAN: What's this? HAYLEY: It's a pack of gum. STAN: All right, it's gum. Hey, champ. When's your big date? STEVE: She was out sick. STAN: That's OK. You'll get her tomorrow. STEVE: Hey, listen, Mom, Dad, can I have a dog? STAN: Absolutely not. It's enough with an alien and a goldfish with the brain of a German. KLAUS: Oh, Francine. l can see your SchmutzpIättchen. STAN: Sorry, no dog. I'm more than happy to get you an Etch-a-Sketch. STEVE: Mom. FRANCINE: Stan, a dog's not such an awful idea. It might teach Steve the responsibility he'll need for when he one day joins the army. STAN: Are you contemplating the military? STEVE: Thinking about it. STAN: Did somebody order a brand-new dog? STEVE: Oh, sweet, Dad. You're the best. What the hell is that? Stan brings in a decrepit and dying dog STAN: it's a dog. ROGER: Oh, my God. STEVE: He can barely stand up. STAN: Well, of course. He's 19. FRANCINE: Stan, honey. Didn't the pound have any younger dogs? STAN: This dog has character. He was around for the Reagan administration. He knows how things are supposed to be. Oh, dammit! He's gonna pee. No, no, no! Nope. Just dust. ENT: Outside walking dog GIRL IN CAR: Hey, dumb-a**! Your dog's half-dead. STEVE: Hear that? That girl talked to me and l didn't even have to talk to her first. Come on, Thor. Let's go cruise the mall. Steve runs off dragging the dog who is lifeless ENT: Stans Bedroom Stan is admiring himself in the mirror, flexing in his tighty whiteys STAN: Francine, you are one lucky lady. You can do anything you want to this body because you married it. Hope you don't take this for granted. Roger is sifting through the cupboards ROGER: No potato chips, no cupcakes. Francine, I'm gonna hawk a loogie in your Oil of Olay. Roger drops a jar and Stan leaps into action with his gun; ready to protect his family from an intruder STAN: Where's your machete? FRANCINE: Honey... take it easy STAN: If l die, you must protect the CIA. Osama, is that you? Stan mistakes the new dog for an intruder and shoots him dead ROGER: Gee, Stan. What gives? Holy Toledo. You k**ed your son's dog. And don't ask me to bring him back with that ET finger thing because that's a load of crap. ENT: Backyard STAN: God, please watch over the soul of this dog and carry him to heaven. Because he sure as hell can't walk. He's dead. Amen. FRANCINE: That was beautiful, honey. KLAUS: I used to have a dog. And legs. And arms. I was an Olympic skier before the CIA switched mein brain with ein goldfish. STAN: What were we supposed to do? Let East Germany win gold? Not on my watch. A man with the brain of a goldfish is shown skiing HAYLEY: Steve's dog would still be alive if you right-wing lunatics agreed to gun control. STAN: You know what I have to say to that? I thought I was going to fart. STEVE: This s**s. Now I'm never gonna get a girl. STAN: Wait, is that why you wanted the dog? STEVE: Yes, sir. STAN: You don't need a dog when your dad is the greatest ladies' man of all time. Come on. Girls love a guy who can protect them. I'll pretend I'm a thief and snatch her purse. Chase me, tackle me and win her heart. Got it? STEVE: Got it, Dad. MALL GIRL: My mom almost caught me throwing up... Hey, my purse! STEVE: Don't worry, young lady. Hey, you! Come back here. Stan swiftly snatches the purse, tackling anyone in his way. Performing incredible acrobatic feats he bursts through the mall gla**, lands on a car, and runs off; Steve can't keep up with him STAN: [With gla** in his face] OK, l got a little carried away. ENT: Hayley's Room HAYLEY: Hey, Jeff. Jeff appears on a ladder knocking on Hayley's window just as she's about to take a bite of a twinkie JEFF: Hey, babe. A guy at the restaurant sent his meat loaf back cause of a hair. But it's cool because it was mine. Picnic? HAYLEY: I can't. l have this paper due. JEFF: Bummer. Well, you know what Shakespeare said. I mean, I don't, but I'm sure you do. See you. ROGER: Chilling with Jeff? Sounds like fun. HAYLEY: Yeah, but this is due tomorrow. ROGER: Hayleykins, obviously l can't leave the house. But if you supply me with Twinkies, Ho Hos, any of your basic white-trash foodstuffs that your mom won't let me have, I'll write your paper for you. HAYLEY: What do you know about Crime and Punishment?. ROGER: That the suffering of man is both necessary and useful, as revealed to us during Raskolnikov's redemption. HAYLEY: You got a deal. As they go to shake hands Roger secretes some kind of disgusting alien fluid allover her ROGER: Sorry about that. Once every seven hours, like clockwork. Stan is hosting a candlelit dinner for Steve and Hillary Duff; he has a gun in his right hand HAYLEY: Oh, my God. Dad, why is Hilary Duff in our house? STAN: She is here of her own free will because she wants dinner with Steve. STEVE: Hilary, could you pa** the salt? STAN: Pa** him the salt. STEVE: As I was saying, student body elections are next week and I have personally been wedgied by both candidates. STAN: Hear that, Hillary? Looks like you're a winner with Steve. HILLARY: Help me! Hillary makes a dash to escape but gets blown up off camera by a mine HAYLEY: You can't go around abducting people just because you're CIA. STAN: Hillary Look out for the mines! What did I just say? You heard me. What did I just say? STEVE: You said, "Look out for the mines". STAN: I didn't have this problem getting girls when I was his age. ROGER: A little observation. Steve isn't like you. You're a powerful guy. Women are attracted to power and Steve doesn't have any. STAN: That's it. I'll rig the school election and make him student body president. ROGER: Wow, can you do that? STAN: Rigging elections is my bread and bu*ter. You know how many votes George Bush actually got in the first election? Seven. ENT: School halls STAN: The key to fixing any election is to cast doubt on your opponent. SHELLY: Vote Shelly for student body president. Shelly for president. STAN: Sure, vote for Shelly... if you don't mind voting for a prostitute! SHELLY: What? STAN: Don't play coy, you cardiganed jezebel. I have photographic evidence of you having s**ual relations with the Jack in the Box man. Stan produces a tampered photo CROWD: Jack in the Box man? He's not even human. Sick. STEVE: Is that really the Jack in the Box man? STAN: Yeah, he's in our basement. Roger is shown stumbling upon a tied up Jack-in-the-box man and screams. A newspaper is shown with Steve as cla** president HAYLEY: You know, I got an A on that paper. ROGER: My pleasure. Got anything else? HAYLEY: Poli sci. Know anything about Henry Kissinger? ROGER: I know he's Jewish, but if you get me some churros I could stretch that into 12 pages. ENT: At school lockers LISA: Hey, Steve. Congratulations. STEVE: Why, thank you, Lisa. Say, I was thinking... Maybe you and I could... LISA: Go out? I'd love to. STEVE: Yes! Oh, my God. Score, score, score, score, score. STAN: Women love a man with power. STEVE: You were right, Dad. ROGER: Hey. Sorry to interrupt. I was gonna take a shower, but we're all out of Prell. Do you mind picking some up? STAN: Yeah, yeah. ROGER: Oh, hey, Steve. Kudos on the bee-yatch. BOY 1: Man, your stream is so powerful. BOY 2: Thanks. LISA: I wish your locker wasn't by the boys' room. STEVE: Yeah, me too. Then again, I am student body president. Steve kicks down the principals door LEWIS: What's the meaning of this? STEVE: Principal Lewis, I'm taking your office. Pursuant to Pearl Bailey High statute 39F, quote: "The president may acquisition any room in school for the purpose of conducting school business." LEWIS: You can read! The system works! I'll be back for my stuff. LISA: You're amazing, Steve. I'm gonna go tell everyone we're going out. STEVE: This is it. I have absolute power. Doris, could you please send in our high school mascot? Welcome. As you must've heard, I have been elected student body president. As such, I can do anything I want. And I want to ride the buffalo. Yes! I'm riding the buffalo. Send in the lunch lady. ENT: Cafeteria STEVE: The lady's steak is not nearly Salisbury enough. Take it back! LISA: You're the greatest boyfriend ever. STEVE: I'm just getting started. Bobby, get here. I want my Shazam! shirt dry-cleaned by third period. Oh, and another thing. All periods will now be called "Steves". Cuts to scenario of 2 boys whispering behind a teachers back BOY 1: I'm cutting third Steve. You in? BOY 2: As long as I'm back by fourth Steve. TEACHER: A statement should always be followed by a Steve. GIRL:Mr.. Phillips, may I be excused? I'm having my Steve. Roger's snaking alone in his dark attic ROGER: Hayley, you are the best. Now, what else have we got here? Chocodiles. Haven't tried those. Oh, my God. How good are these? Dangerous. HAYLEY: How's my paper? it's due tomorrow. ROGER: Got it under control, Hayley. Do not worry. HAYLEY: OK. ROGER: By the way, Hayley. Oh, my God. These Chocodiles. These Chocodiles, Hayley. Oh, my God. These Chocodiles. Oh, my God. HAYLEY: Yeah. They're good. Back to work. ROGER: I'm on it. It is 6:15 am and Roger fell asleep at the computer; multiple chocodile rappers cane be found littered about ROGER: Oh, no! Hayley! Hayley! Wake up. I had a sugar crash and I fell asleep and l didn't do the paper. HAYLEY: What? it's due in two hours! ROGER: I know. I know, I'm a douche bag. But the important thing now is to find a way to buy more ti... Holy frijoles, I got an idea. Roger concocts a plan to dig up *Thor*, Steve's dead dog. The next scene Hayley is carrying the dead dog at school PROFESSOR: Under the circumstances, we can give you another few days for your paper. HAYLEY: Thank you, Mr. Goodwin. KID 1: These chocolate lockers were a great idea. KID 2: Mine has nut clusters. Thanks. STEVE: No problem. I am a river to my people. Hope you're enjoying the computer lab now I've disabled the p**n blocker. KID 1: I never knew Todd's mom had a website. KID 2: Pretty s**y, huh? STEVE: Sure is, Todd. Oh, hello, gorgeous. LISA: What are you doing? STEVE: What? I'm kissing my woman. LISA: I like the perks of dating the school president, but I'm not gonna kiss you. I mean, I'm beautiful and you're repulsive. STEVE: But I thought you liked me. LISA: Yeah. You were supposed to. Angrily Steve barges into the principals office and announces on the intercom STEVE: Attention! There is a new school policy. Anyone caught holding hands, hugging or swapping saliva will be expelled from school permanently. The biology teacher is getting dressed in front of a frog TEACHER: it's too risky right now. I'll come back tonight. STAN: This is Stan Smith. LEWIS: I'm afraid there's a problem with your son. God. This is the gay call. I've been ready for this for years. Stan begins ingesting poison pills LEWIS: No. it's just that he's gone mad with power. He evacuated the school and barricaded himself in my office. STAN: I see. Henry! Antidote! ENT: Living Room ROGER: Hey! How did the dead dog work out? Did it buy us some time? HAYLEY: He gave me till Monday. ROGER: Great. Here's my list. HAYLEY: Sorry. That was too close a call. I'm gonna do my own work. ROGER: What? But where am I gonna get my fix? - Not my problem. You can't do it alone, you don't have the sk**s. You're not smart enough! Somebody'll clean that up. Again Roger secretes a noxious fluid all over the living room Stan is standing outside of Steve's school with police officers and a megaphone STAN: Steve, this is your father. STEVE: Get out of here, Dad. I'm not coming out. STAN: I'm going in. Keep talking to him. FRANCINE: Be careful, honey. STAN: Hey, don't worry about me, kiddo. Stan accidentally punches her in the face and she falls to the ground STAN: Oh! Are you all right? FRANCINE: I'm fine. it's OK. STAN: I just meant to brush you lightly. FRANCINE: I know. STAN: I guess I don't know my own strength. FRANCINE: Go get Steve, honey. Stan scales the building with a grappling hook FRANCINE: Steve, it's Mommy. Listen, honey, you're not alone. When I was your age, I had a huge crush on someone too. Mr. Feeny, my algebra teacher. Such a cute man with a neat little beard. Of course, he didn't take me seriously. But that all changed when his wife found me in their closet cutting myself and sniffing his T-shirts. STEVE: What are you doing? STAN: Stopping you from making a huge mistake. FRANCINE: I told the police we were lovers. He either k**ed himself or he's in jail or... STAN: For God's sake, I got him! Wanna talk about it, champ? STEVE: Dad, Lisa only liked me because l was school president. She thinks I'm repulsive. The worst part of it is she's right. STAN: I promise you, and this comes from years of experience, women are never right. STEVE: I was crazy to think any girl could ever like me. Look at me. I am repulsive. STAN: No, you're not. Look, son, Roger was right. You're not like me. You're not as good-looking or as strong, or as good s**ually... FRACINE: Wait. He k**ed himself in jail. STAN: Dammit, we're having a moment here! Look Son, I'm gonna show you something I've never shown anyone before. STAN: That's me when I was your age. Stan shows a his high school picture STEVE: You were hideous! STAN: Certainly not the stallion I am today. The point is, you'll be fine. You're chock-full of potential. STEVE: Wow. Thanks, Dad. But I don't wanna face Lisa Silver. I got you covered. Hello, INS? Hey, is this Nick? STAN: Hey, Nick, it's Stan. Hey, what's going on? Hey, how did that wire tap on your wife work out? Oh. Sorry about that. Better your brother than some stranger. Right! Moving on, moving on. Right. Say, could you do me a huge favour? You know the Silver family at 419 Elm? Yeah, let's deport them. STEVE: You're the best, Dad. ENT: Dinner table STAN: Great stew, Francine. The peas are like floating survivors from a sunken beef ship. FRANCINE: Steve, you're awfully quiet. Are you upset about what happened at school? STEVE: I'm fine with that. I just wish I was smoother with the ladies. ENT: Steve's room STEVE: OK, Melissa. So I'll meet you at the arcade tomorrow after school. Bye. STEVE: Thanks for the help coach. ROGER: My pleasure. But if you expect to get any b**b, I'm gonna need a bu*tload of Twinkies. Gesundheit? Roger secretes his noxious fluid once more